In-Law problems- Need advice

Melanie - posted on 01/31/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Needing advice....
My youngest child is 16 months. When I was 8 months pregnant, my brother-in-law and his wife had a tubal pregnancy. After that happened, they have wanted nothing to do with me, my husband, or either of our kids. It has been almost 18 months now, and they find every excuse to hate us. (calling me horrible names, didn't show up to our wedding, literally having nothing to do with us) They haven't had anything to do with us at all, and if my husband and his brother talk, its his brother bashing me.
I have been going through this for so long, and they have no relationship with our boys, and I can't keep trying to mend things with them. I have tried numerous times, only to be called a snake, manipulative, and after my husbands money, etc. During this time, my mother in law, defended me, and they quit talking to her also- because "she took my side"

They had a baby girl on Monday and won't allow us to even see her. This is my first niece (I don't have any nephews either) My in-laws wouldn't even send me a picture message of my niece, saying they didn't want to sink in the sand with them. I ended up deleting my in-laws off my facebook friends because they were posting pictures of her, and I feel like I will get attached to a child I will never get to have a relationship with. I was really hoping things would pass, but at this point, I honestly don't know if this relationship can ever be repaired. After all of the hatefulness and hurt I've went through with this situation, I don't even want to try to mend things. Any advice on what I should do?

2 Comments

View replies by

Alexis - posted on 02/01/2013

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Why are you the one still trying to mend things? Maybe your husband should be the one fighting this battle with his unreasonable family?
You can't win 'em all. If you have been a good woman and they cannot accept you (family does sometimes stick together, even when its senseless-like over jealousy of your pregnancy), then maybe its time for you to stop trying so hard. You might not be able to be rid of any of them for good, but I think removing them from your online social life was a good start.
I do not have a very good relationship with my in laws. None of them respect me. They don't love my kids like they love their other grandchildren. My man cheated and they told me to leave him. I did not (our son was 3 months old at the time, I was scared and hopeful). They tell me to get a job (I'm a SAHM) and tell him not to ask any favors (he has two sisters, one lived at home til she was 30- all expenses paid, including retail credit cards, the other has two illegitimate kids and they built her a house and pay her rent and fuel-not to mention they provide unlimited free babysitting but will not take my son to the park)...but I'm the one who is not worthy of their respect because I choose to stay with the father of my children...the man that THEY CREATED AND MOLDED!
I treat them with kindness and respect and I tolerate their behavior, but I do not enjoy it. I dread holidays but I deal for his sake. I do nothing extra and each day I stress less about how they feel about me.
If they have issues with you that they cannot bring to the table and squash once and for all, it might be time to pass the buck to your husband. Let him deal with the drama and you concentrate on your family. Maybe they're holding a grudge about something you're not even aware of. Let it eat at them- try not to let it eat at you any more. Family is important, but true family will respect you, even if they don't like you :) Hopefully you can turn to your own family or friends for some support when you have no choice but to deal with them. Until then, don't kill yourself trying to please them. Giving birth to their grandchild should be enough! I hope things get better :)

Michelle - posted on 02/01/2013

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I was going to suggest putting all your feelings in writing and sending them a letter. Let them know that you are sorry for the lost pregnancy and are so happy that they have now had a little girl.

In the letter ask them why they dislike you so much. Explain that you don't understand what happened to the relationship but would like to try and mend things. Maybe even suggest going to a neutral location to meet and discuss things.

The worst that can happen is they don't even open it but they might, and then they might want to let you know their side.

If they don't then you have to be happy knowing you have done everything possible to reconcile and it was their choice not to.

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