In-Laws?

Ebony - posted on 07/02/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am having a big problem with my fiance's family and I am not even married yet. I love him but at the same time he gives me reasons to want to leave him. He does not stand up for me and he lets the problems that I see and tell him about go out the window. We have been together for 4 years now, but it has been only a year since he purposed. I am in a situation where his mom or any of his family members does not come to see my daughter every once in a while, we always have to be the onest to go and see them at his grandma's house and his family is always there, so no matter if were just there to see his grandmother everyone else is there. I certainly know that it is unfair for us to take here over there when none of them don't come over to our place to be in her environment every once in a while. My immediate famliy is not in California anymore now and it is really hard for me to not miss my family. The only family I have in Cali. is my aunt and her family, but they are in Sacramento and I'm in Stockton and I do not have a car to out there when I want to. I'm to the point where I feel like giving up on him and his family. I put all my effort to put everything to the side and forget about what's been going on, but his family is always giving me a reason to not to forgive them. I'm am now saying that is not her "real" family, because of the situation. I feel that a real family would come see my daughter no matter if they do like me or not, and not only come see her if she is sick or if they want to drop their kids off to come swimming. My family came over more times than his family came and they live right here in Stockton. I know telling my daughter that my fiance's family is not her family is wrong, but at the same time it's wrong and unfair with what they are doing. I pray and pray about the situation, but it gets no where. What else should I do?

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Dana - posted on 07/02/2009

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Check out www.ihatemyinlaws.com It is a WONDERFUL sight with wonderful people going (or have gone through) the same things as you. I have inlaws from hell, so I love getting advice up there. you use an alias so if you inlaws stumble upon the sight, they don't "know" its you. LOL.

My IL's were just like that when my daughter was born. The would not call and ask about my daughter, they wouldn't come to our house and my father in law wouldn't even hold her. She even had to go to the hospital when she was 3 months old and they didn't visit in the 4 days she was there. BTW, Mother in law worked a BLOCK from the hospital. And father in law worked maybe 5 minutes away. Anyway, I finally had it out with them. I told them to act like grandparents and when they did AND CONTINUED to do so, we would be more than happy to bring her over for visits. Truthfully, I don't like having them at our house, so i didn't mind going to see them, but throw that in there. Let them know you are tired of always being to one to go see them. You will sit at home until they decide they want to see YOU and your baby and THEY can visit YOU. I don't mean yelling and screaming at them, but be firm.

Crystal - posted on 07/02/2009

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Well every situation is different and every set of in-laws are different, but I feel your pain. With the family acting like that it's probably a comfort level, especially if they didn't know you that well before you had kids. My mother-in-law has no control in my house unless she causes conflict between my husband & myself first, and then my husband gives her that control. He tells me I should be able to stand up for myself so in recent years insted of turning the other cheek when it's come to my kids I've confronted her head on. She'll never respect me as his wife, but she will respect as the mother of her grandchildren. So maybe they just wants to be in their own comfort zone where they have control, but as far as your man, if he's not going to stand up for you he needs to stand up for your daughter. But I now live 1500 miles away from the in-laws and could not be happier, I figure absence makes the heart grow fonder. We call his mother "Crazy Grandma" around our house. She's going to feel that they are not real family even if you don't tell her. The people who are around and give that baby love are going to be her family and thats what important blood means nothing when it comes to the way babies feel.

Nicole - posted on 07/02/2009

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Unfortunately, I think this is your fiancee's problem. He needs to realize that you and your daughter are his family now and your needs come first. I wish I had more advice to offer! Is he a mama's boy? My FIL is kinda like that. His mother is real manipulative, if it's not her way it's wrong and she'll talk crap about you. In fact, the whole side of my husband's dad's family is like that. Anyway, my FIL will listen to whatever his mom says and when you call him on it, he just says "She's just an old lady". Do you not get along with your in-laws or are you just tired of doing everything "their" way? Next time they want you to come over, I'd make up an excuse as to why I couldn't. It's a lot of work carting a baby around everywhere!

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