Is it a lost case?

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

I really hate to do this, but I really need help. I feel like I am in love with a man that doesn't love me back. He tells me he loves me but I don't see it. His actions are all wrong. I want to feel loved and appreciated. We have been together going on three years, not married and we have a soon to be 5 month old daughter. I do just about EVERYTHING around the house and it doesn't bother me. I am a stay at home mom, he makes the money. I just want to be respected for what I do.

He never says thank you. He talks to me like if I was just some girl, not his girl. He doesn't go out, he's not drinker, he's a good guy. But he takes me for granted and treats me like crap sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I just stick around for our daughter. And when I try to tell him how I feel, we always end up fighting and he makes me feel like dirt for getting upset in the first place. I don't know what to do anymore. I think the thing that kills me the most is that if we get in an arrangement he will go and tell his entire family that I'm this that that and this making all encounters with them awkward. I don't even like going to there home now because I get looks and gets judged. I never did anything to them and they hate me. His sister has even called me names because I told my boyfriend that I wanted to leave him once. What is it her business?

I don't want to continue to raise my daughter in this environment. But I don't know what I can do to make everything right. Do I leave? Talking isn't getting me anywhere? Communication is NOT the key here! What do I do!?

I apologize for putting my business out there but I need advice. Thank you!


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Mary Renee - posted on 12/13/2010




Wow girl. I am in the exact same position as you. My boyfriend will be so mean to me, he'll tease me, push my buttons, call me names and then say it's my fault because I make it "too easy." He'll also "undo" all the hard work I do (like using three bath towels I just washed and folded to clean up a spilled drink) He'll criticize everything I do with my daughter even though I'm her primary caretaker and he only sees her on Sundays because he owns his own minimart and works 9am-9pm ("You're spoiling her" "She doesn't need pajamas!" "She doesn't need a bath"... or giving her blueberries when I only give her a new food every three days)

It's hard because I've told him "It can't be like this anymore" and nothing changes. Yesterday, after ignoring his daughter all day on his only day off to spend with her, he called MY father and told him it wasn't working! Now I need to find a lawyer and pack and get my stuff out. As I'm breastfeeding, he knows this means that the baby is coming with me.

If I were you, I'd leave as soon as possible. I know, I didn't want to do this either. I held on to the hope that we could be a family till the very end. I still hold on to that hope, even though it's hopeless. I can't have my daughter see the way I'm treated. He tells me to shut up while I'm talking to her while I change her diaper. She can't think it's alright for women to be treated this way. I don't have a job, and desperately wanted to continue nursing my daughter until she was one, I wanted to be there for her first steps, and I'm terrified to put her in day care because of this.

If possible, try a trial separation and see if he doesn't realize how much you do for him or how he feels for you. Maybe he'll realize your serious after that. Go through with it so that he KNOWS you're serious. But be prepare for either response. Because if after a trial separation he's still not able to communicate... then he's never going to change and you're better off finding your REAL true love, instead of staying with someone who isn't really your soul mate... at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. We deserve love. We deserve better. I've seen husbands and fathers that change the baby's diapers, and love their wives, respect their baby's mothers and are grateful for the people that brought their children into the world. We deserve this.

Good luck! Hang it there. Message me anytime, I'm going through the exact same thing.

Angela - posted on 12/13/2010




I would suggest you try to deal with hi on his terms. Draw up a contract you want him to sign, in it state exactly how you want to be treated. No doubt he will be slightly bemused by this but you should explain that he has a contract with his employer stating his responsibilities and his employer's responsibilities to him. As your workplace is the home you expect the same right. Don't shout, don't get upset, be very reasonable and firm. Also write confidentiality into the contract banning him from talking to his family about your disagreements.
If he refuses to sign the contract then go on strike, don't do anything around the house that directly relates to his well being. Don't wash his clothes, don't cook his meals, let him fend for himself. It is not unreasonable to expect some appreciation and respect, if he loves you then you shouldn't have to push for it. It should be freely given and unconditional.
It is important to remember that children pick up on these things younger than you think. Your child will react to the tension and will think that's it ok to treat you like dirt. Your child will think that disrespect and unnappreciation is normal in a relationship.

if that doesn't work then leave, maybe he won't know what he has until it walks away.

[deleted account]

I appreciate all your responses. I do hope that things do get better because I am like you Shannon, I just can't leave. I did leave once when he wasn't home and I came back withing a few days. I just don't want to do this to my family. My biggest concern though is that she will be exposed to this. I respect what you said Carolee as to that, but I must disagree with the fact that he is manipulating me and he may become abusive. I have seen the GOOD side of him, things just changed when his family noticed we were getting serious. I personally believe that his family is manipulating him. It was something that I always noticed from the beginning. His family is very close, he is the first child and the ONLY boy in his entire family. The last to carry on his last name. So him getting married and having children to keep the last name, is a very big deal. They NEVER looked at me with respect and I didn't care. Like Katie said "who cares what they think". But now that I have a child, it is a little harder, but they still look down on me and as if I am not good enough. And that is how he too treats me now. Its more like he saw how they treated me and he started treating me like that, thinking that this is the way it should be. I've tried so many different approaches. I even asked him to move. We live in NY and I wanted to move to maybe VA. Not too far, but not too close, in hope that things will help. He is a momma boy. He is still attached to the umbilical cord and of course he said NO. I appreciate again the responses. I have read them all and hope that things do get better. Thank you again.

Carolee - posted on 03/27/2010




It's hard to know what to do when you're not in the situation, but I've been there. I would suggest getting out of it! Your daughter will grow up seeing how he treats you and she will most likely find somebody who will treat her like crap, too. I know you don't want that for your daughter.

He is manipulating you into staying. That's one of the first signs that things could turn (more) abusive. It may not seem like what he's doing is a big thing now, but what about when that turns into trying to take away any and all rights you have as a human being? It will most likely happen, and it will most likely happen slowly over time. I didn't realize that I was in an abusive relationship (similar to yours) until it got to the point where I was basically kept prisoner in a single room. I needed permission to go to the bathroom (with an explination of what all I needed to do in there so he could time me) and I was forbidden to talk to anybody (started with friends first, then family). The next thing I knew, I was forbidden to go to school AND work.

I'm not saying that your relationship will end up that way, but it's DEFINATELY on that path right now! He doesn't respect you at all. I guess there's only one question, and that's one that you have to answer for yourself. How much are you willing to let your daughter see and most likely copy in her future relationships?

Katie - posted on 03/27/2010




Okay i felt like this with my son. Alot of it is your hormons are still off balance and your over thinking alot and you want him to be a father. First thing hun men are not like us women. we can change and be who we have to be with a dime of a hat men cant. Men dont start acting like father till amost year or two. they dont know how to act and they dont want to give up there freedom. Its really hard. ths is one place were you just have to think of the pros and cons and figure out for yourself . we cant make that decision for you. As far as the family who cares what they think there only hearng one side of it. And they have no idea what you went thou and or is still going thou. Taking care of a child is hard enough but to not have surport from your spouse is another.. I wish you the best and i would hang in there and maybe have a date nite for the two of you and try and have a sit down talk were he has to listen to you dont argue.. You willnt getting anything acoplished that way. Juat walk way and cool off and then go back.. Best wishes

Shannon - posted on 03/27/2010




i'm sorry you're going through this i know having a child can really make a relationship harder but it can make it stronger. I'm one that likes to make things work/better so even though it seems to me you'd be better to leave him i cant do that in my own relationship so i'd like to share some things that i've done. I'm a stay at home mom too i pretty much do everything as well but when he comes home from work i have supper ready or about ready then he either does the dishes or he can give the kids a bath this way hes involved he doesnt mind. We've also have mini date nights where i'll go to the library check out some movies and have him choose one for the evening or we'll just sit outside and talk in the summer we'll have a fire. We've gotten a sitter b4 and went to the zoo just to talk i know u said that talking is not working but it is the key to relationships so maybe theres something boggled up inside that somehow u need to get it out of him for my hubby it was finances he doesnt see how we can make it work and he got sooo stressed it was hard for me to sleep in the same bed as him let alone anything else. So i really suggest u find out how hes feeling. As far a his family goes i dont like when ppl do that my hubby does that but its with his friends one time he left and i begged him to stay and told him that if he left all his stuff would be outside and a new lock would be put on the door i know childish but i was really upset that he wouldnt talk to me but hed go to someone else well i didnt get him to stay so when he left i started throwing his stuff out within a half hour he was back and ready to talk turned out he just drove around and he said that i was RIGHT and he should be talking to me. I have no idea if this is helping or if im just babbling i just think u need to talk to him and if hes not up for it that day try a different approach the next day or in a couple days somethings got to give. Best of luck

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