Is it true??

[deleted account] ( 28 moms have responded )

Do you think the saying 'Once a cheater always a cheater ' is true? Why / why not? And does it change your opinion if the 'cheater' was the woman in the relationship and not the man??

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Megan - posted on 05/11/2010

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No, I think it depends on the true feelings you have deep down for someone and your maturity level. I cheated on a guy I was head over heels for when I was 16, yet as I grew up and I was in a relationship with some one I didnt even care about, I would have never cheated just out of self respect and respect for him. I also know that everyone makes mistakes and sometimes dont realize the consequences their actions can have. If you are lucky enough to be forgiven it really makes you appreciate what you have and not want to do anything to lose it, hope this helps! :)

Samantha - posted on 05/11/2010

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People can change. I know from personal experience. Not from within my marriage,but from when before we were married.
I do think it's necesary to take a break after something like this happens, though. It needs to be a change of values & lifestyle for it to be real and permanant. Most importantly, the person needs to be genuinley sorry. If you find yourself making the effort to reconcile things or making excuses as to why they did it such as blaming yourself or their situation, etc, then they are probrably not genuinely ready to commit to you 100 percent.
Good luck!

Kacee - posted on 05/06/2010

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NO people can change. It depends on who you were with when you cheated, why did you cheat, were there reasons that one cheated that maybe weren't being dealt with. My husband and I have had to work very hard for honesty and trust (he was more of a liar than a cheater but they can go hand in hand) and I do believe that people change all the time. That being said, the person who cheated will have to work VERY HARD at regaining trust from their partner. Its not a "ok I forgive you" lets move on type situation. It's very hard to earn that trust again, but it can be done. My husband has earned mine again.

Josslyn - posted on 05/03/2010

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I cheated once in a previous relationship and it burnt such an emotional hole in my life I will never ever ever ever ever and repeat EVER do it again. I learnt my lesson well thank you very much. People can change if the experience causes life changing circumstances!!

Jayne - posted on 05/03/2010

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yes i see your point there is no need to hurt him unneccessarily so you then must just put it behind you and find away to move on. you never no maybe off loading stuff here an talking to other people about it might help.

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Jackie - posted on 05/11/2010

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Its not true at all. I use to be a cheater then I got cheated on when I finally found a guy I dearly loved and I didnt cheat on him. I found out the hard way that it does hurt. I got my karma. I will tell you that I havent cheated since and never intend to.

Michelle - posted on 05/09/2010

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Sally....as hard as it will be for you my dear, he deserve to now the truth. I went threw the same thing, and in the end its loveing someone enough to show all your sides and all your faces. It was very hard for me to om mitt to my now husband the things I did. But I am relived at the fact that the truth does set you free...it better he hears this from you then someone else. Remember Dear lies always have a way of surfacing. And if he is a decent guy you will move forward.

Michelle - posted on 05/09/2010

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No affiance to you Tighler... but I think that statement is very naive. I think ppl take advantage where ever they can and in this take kindness as a sing of weakness...this is why I believe women have so much strength in numbers. We are devoted to a cause whether to promote each other to be stronger women as well as healthy mothers. Cheating is cheating there's all kinds of reasons and levels of sex. I did it because I wanted to and no other reason then this. Sure I can say he wasnt there for me or other junk like that but in the end when it can down to that fine point, I did it because I chose to...Have you ever cheated on someone you are in love with?

Tighler - posted on 05/09/2010

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i don't think it's true. if someone is lead to look in other places for intamacy that obviously is a red flag that the person wasn't happy in the relationship. doesn't mean that they will always cheat in the future. i always give people the bennefit of the doubt.

Michelle - posted on 05/09/2010

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I "cheated' on my boyfriend ( now husband) But men do there best to show the women they love how they feel...think about it the little things he does..does he stay up with you when your tired because you need to talk,is he there for you when you need him the most? Lets face it we truelly are very different from men we run at a much higher emotional level(which makes use awesome!) But its when they deal with what they dont understand. Not to say that they get props for dealing they get props for trying becuase they dont have to!

[deleted account]

Its a generalisation not an absolute truth. It really depends on the individual cheater. I slipped once felt so bad about it I cried for a week and have never even thought about doing it again. My now husband knows how I feel about it and he obviously doesnt believe the saying because he still married me (YAY!) It makes no difference who does the cheating the only thing that matters is why? Why did they cheat and is it something that is likely to be a recurring problem?

[deleted account]

lol no Ive never heard that saying but thanks for the input.
@ Kaycee - how did he earn your trust again?? what kinds of things made you feel you can trust him?

Michelle - posted on 05/06/2010

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I dont believe ppl do change.. I believe circumstances do, have you heard the saying "Go digging for dirt and you will get your hands dirty?!"

Michelle - posted on 05/06/2010

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Absolutely not. And I'm saying this from experience. Before my Hubby and I were married we did things that were considered cheating,but bottom line was we weren't married and now that we are I can honestly say neither of us have the want to cheat or the time!

[deleted account]

i think once you do have done it you will do it again is like this old saying, "once a dog eats poop if he wouldn't see it he will smell it" it doesn't matter if is the woman or the man

[deleted account]

Just from personal experiences if my husband cheated on me I would leave. Once is enough for me I dont want to have to deal with the aftermath of is he telling the truth? do I trust him? it rips a person apart.

Elise - posted on 05/05/2010

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Hmmmm, good question. I do believe if it has happen once it may happen again because hardly anyone ever learns on the first try. But this can also make it hard for redemption for that person. Its by far the global learning experience for this generation.

[deleted account]

Thats sad hey Sheri. I can see how that would happen.
Good on you Jennifer. Im really glad that you worked it out. I know people always say 'leave him!!' if you say that your partner cheated but sometimes its not black and white. Im glad it worked out for you.

Sheri - posted on 05/03/2010

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Peolpe can change, but they have to want to. I heard from my doctor that women often loose interest in sex with their childs birth father after giving birth, and may find interest in an affair due to the thrill in that type of situation

Jennifer - posted on 05/03/2010

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I believe that a lot of the time that is very true. But not always. My husband cheated on me a few times but I mantaged to forgive him. We have been married for 6 years now...together for 10 years! And I know that he is not...and would not ever again cheat on me.

[deleted account]

Thanks for sharing ladies. I understand what you mean Josslyn about it burning an emotional hole in you. I really could never do it again. my husband is a wonderful man and deserves much better. I will be better for him.

Stevie - posted on 05/02/2010

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I think it depends on why the person cheated. If it was something casual that didn't mean anything to them they will probably do t again man or woman. If it was something that happened during a difficult time for the individual or the couple and they did it because they were confused it's a little different but not much. It all comes down to how the person feels afterward I would think, if they feel it is a terrible mistake it's not likely they will do it again but if they feel it was no big deal they will. I think that men and women cheat for different reasons but the outcome is the same either you realize you've got the real deal in your relationship or you just wet your appetite for more cheating.

Kirsten - posted on 05/02/2010

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I really don't believe that because of personal experience. I cheated on a boyfriend, which at the time was the "sperm donor" of my son. I cheated on him when I found a guy that I had known since I was 14. In the end it got me away from him. And a good thing because throughout our 4.5 year relationship he was in trouble w/ the law and in and out of jail. I am now 25 and happily married and would NEVER cheat on my husband.

Jodi - posted on 05/02/2010

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I think it's a tricky issue. Sometimes there are reasons for a person to cheat and sometimes there aren't. If there aren't, then the saying is probably true. If there were reasons, then I think there is a chance of a repeat simply because if they weren't happy in the relationship they should have brought it up instead of being deceitful and hurtfull, that goes for guys OR girls. If my husband cheated, I don't know what I would do, but I do know that I would never marry anyone or date anyone who admittedly cheated on a previous relationship, just not worth the risk for me!

*Lisa* - posted on 05/02/2010

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Yeah Renee like you I too believe that if there is enough repentance shown by the guilty party then the relationship is worth saving. But definitely if he then does it again, there is obviously a serious issue there and he has become a serial cheater.
Good on you Renee for being strong enough to break that relationship off even though you loved him so much. :) I'm glad things have worked out for you.

User - posted on 05/02/2010

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I do believe each person is different. Some people learn from their mistakes (if they consider it a mistake) and others continue. I was dating a guy that cheated on me and I took him back because I loved him a lot. We ended up getting engaged a year later. He was in the Navy and I found out when he was on one of his 6 month sea tours that he cheated on me with a female sailor. After the 2nd time he cheated on me I broke off our relationship. I still loved him and I think part of me still does even though I am happily married to another man going on 7 years now. He ended up getting married to another woman that he got pregnant and now divorced. I still "talk" to him now and then on e-mail and face book. He still is kicking himself in the butt for ever cheating on me.

[deleted account]

I think you are right in some ways Jayne. I definitely believe that people can change. And mistakes can be made and learnt from. It's different if someone feels no regret and has no fear of a higher judgement.
However sometimes I think it's best to just shut up about it. This is the1st time I've spoken about it since it happened and only because I think I dont know anyone online here. There is no way it wll ever happpen again. I've thought about telling him but i think it will just result in me feeling like I got a big burden off my chest but crushing him for no reason. honestly I think its better that he never knows. it was a stupid mistake and I think i would rather die than have him and I guess eventually my whole family know what I did. It sounds cliche'd but I was always a good girl. Didn't have sex until my wedding night with my husbadn! didnt have numerous boyfriends as a teenager. I just had a meltdown a few years ago and felt like I didnt know who I was. like everything I had ever believed about life was a lie. felt depressed about how messed up the world is getting and ended up getting messed up myself. :( I'm offloading all this junk on the net now, sorry to whoever reads this.

Jayne - posted on 05/02/2010

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I think eah individual is different i honestly believe that if you've cheated once t(1 off) yu can learn from it and if you ove your partner you will feel guilty enough not to do it again. However if your a serial cheater and you've had afairs then i think it prob will happen again. I answered your other post "Ashamed" and I'm assuming this is related. as awful as it may be maybe the only way to free yourself from the shame you feel is to own up and be honest with your partner better to hurt him honestly than mislead him with a lie cause you wont have just cheated youd be lying aswell. and it may take alot of work to keep the relationship together and to build up trust. If partner decides he cant forgive you and it ends then you gotta let it go it wasnt meant to be. The only way not to feel guilty is to own up to mistakes and then deal with the consciquences

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