Is it wrong???

User - posted on 05/18/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Ok my mother in law is not the greatest mother out there she is a drug addict and an alcoholic! When I met my now husband he was smoking pot and drinking everyday. I convinced him to stop when I gave birth to my 3rd(his 1st) daughter. It was a big accomplishment and I am very proud of him but everytime his mom comes around she brings drugs in our home and non stop drinks convincing him to do the same and then of course there is the arguments that follow. About 2 months ago we were at her house with the kids we went outside and came back in to find her and her friends smoking pot with the kids in the room I snapped left and banned her from seeing her only granddaughter. Then on Mother's day she had promised it would never happen again so I gave in and let her come over everything was ok that day. I had surgery on my shoulder the next day and she offered to come and help now this is only the 4th time she has seen my 4 month old daughter. We had to go pick her up cuz she don't drive, within 2 hours of being here she called a friend and had a ride to go get stoned! I then snapped again Wait you can find a ride to go do drugs but you could never find a ride to see your granddaughter? So she proceeded to start an argument between me and my husband by convincing him to get drunk and telling him I was having an affair(I'm not by the way). She then took my cell phone and put in her bag so I couldn't call the cops to make her leave my home cuz once again she brought drugs in to it. The next day I told my husband he had too choose it was me and the kids or her that she was no longer allowed in my home that she was nothing but trouble and my children will not have people like that in their lives! He agreed but I have a feeling it won't last. Am I wrong to make him choose between us.

12 Comments

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Jaime - posted on 05/27/2009

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You have every right to provide a safe environment for your children, and if that means keeping people away that do not respect your non-tolerance for drugs, then that is what you must do---don't question your motives when it comes to your children on an important matter like this one. Although I don't personally have a problem with pot or drinking, I would never allow someone to come into my home and smoke anything (pot/cigarettes) or drink to excess around my child. Unfortunately, the decision your partner has to make, is not whether or not to ditch his Mother for his family, but rather he has to decide to change his own lifestyle and clean up his own addictions before he is capable of committing to your choice not to have his Mother around. It is easy for you to say that his Mother can't come around, but that doesn't stop him from going to her and continuing the destructive cycle elsewhere..and that's where your main problem is. Although you said that you "convinced" your partner to stop drinking and doing drugs for a time, the reality is that eventually he started up again and with very little persuasion on the part of his Mother...he has just as much of a problem and that will continue to affect your family until he gets help for it. I agree that you need to stand your ground and protect your children, but as for giving your partner an ultimatum about his Mother...that is only a small piece of the battle you are about to endure.

Shannon - posted on 05/27/2009

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at that point no you are not wrong to set clear boundaries as to what you will and will not accept in your home around your children. PS his mother is not to blame for your husband using it's his choice, and clearly that is a priority in his life. If that was me in the situation i would address his poor choices to him in private before any argument starts. That way it can be discussed calmly. I would suggest you take a look at what your priorities are in this situation regarding your husband. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, but I commend you on being very strong and making helathy choices for you and your children.

Amanda - posted on 05/26/2009

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I don't know that I would have said, "you have to choose between us," but if you are not comfortable having her around you should put your foot down. Just because she is the grandma doesn't mean that she needs to be a part of your child's life. It's sad, but your children should not be around someone who has such negative behaviors. If you really want to let her be involved, only let her come to your home and only if she doesn't bring drugs or alcohol with her. If this doesn't work, then I would just cut her out of your child's life, until she cleans up her act, if ever. It's more important for your children to have positive influences in their lives than to have relatives who are negative. Good luck!

Kate CP - posted on 05/24/2009

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Is that woman INSANE?! I would have kicked her butt! People aren't allowed to even SMOKE around my daughter, let alone do drugs. Wow. They are your children and she poses a threat to them. If she continues to come around you need to call the cops or a lawyer and ask about restraining orders.

Helen - posted on 05/24/2009

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not at all. i would never allow drugs into my home no matter who it is. Stand your ground

Mel - posted on 05/24/2009

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not at all. shes never going to change she is a low life dead beat who doesnt care for anyone but herself, and what you have explained just shows her priorities in life. im glad you hubby agreed but make it stick! she should not be involved with your kids full stop you dont want them growing up involved with that in any way.

Charlene - posted on 05/22/2009

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hya i really don't blame you for making him choose i would have done exactly the same, shes lucky shes had so many chances. you or your kids don't need her she shouldnt be doing drugs or drink around your children or taking them anywhere near them. you dont want your children learning anything like that from her. it is something that must last as your children will see her doing this. i really believe you have done the right thing and i wish good luck for you and your family.

[deleted account]

In my opinion you are not wrong. It is not her fault that he decides to get drunk/high, though. You need to admit that and stop blaming her for his actions. You also need to never allow her in your home or allow your children (all of your children) in her home if there is drinking or drugs involved. Your husband is an adult and makes his own decision. If he allows himself to be influenced in a very damaging way by his mother it is still him making that choice. Your husband may need professional help and probably some therapy. It sounds like you and your husband could both use some therapy, and maybe your two older children too. When alcohol/drugs are involved you can not be lenient and you can't be trusting. It's really an either/or type of situation. You have children that depend on you for safety and security. You can't provide that for them if they are having to worry about your husband and his mother getting drunk/high.

Candace - posted on 05/21/2009

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You are doing the right thing. Your kids should be more important to her than anything else. You need to give her an ultimatum either the drugs and drinking or her grand daughter. If she doesn't stop then you know what is more important. If she chooses her grand daughter then i would personally ask her to take a drug test once a week, but thats just me. I know i would never allow that kind of behavior around my daughter and my hubby agrees with me.

Brittany - posted on 05/18/2009

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Quoting Kimberly:

Hi Krystal. At this point, I really wouldn't even think of it as a choice he has to make, I would think of it as a choice you are making for your children, plain and simple. Your kids come first, as moms not only is that a natural instinct for us, but as we develop more as mothers, it becomes who we are. And you are not only looking out for your child with him, but your other children as well. In my opinion, I can understand the difficulty of having to tell him to choose, because after all it is his mother, but he is an adult and although he has battled his own addictions, he should begin to see how this may effect the kids. His parent was an addict, he became an addict, he should want to stop the trail there and not have that example for your kids. It is not wrong for you to say what you have to, no matter who it is to, when it has to do with your kids.



Kimberly,



That's a great point about ending the cycle of addiction. This is what I talked to my fiance about because him and his little brother were taken away from his mother when he was about 12 and he had a terrible life. I tell him we have to make better decisions so our child and future children will not go through what he went through.

Brittany - posted on 05/18/2009

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Wow!!! The background of your story sounds so much like my life. My fiance's mom is on crack. When I met my fiance (4 years ago the end of this month) he was smoking pot... A LOT and I started to also. Eventually, we made the decision that where we were living was not enough. We were very hard workers, I worked 70 hours a week and we lived in a hotel because we paid 1000 dollars a month and couldn't save up the money to get an apartment. We made the decision to move in with my family because his family couldn't help us (as i said, his mom is on crack and lives with her dealer boyfried and his dad was homeless and an alcoholic), while we were the hard workers and were taking care of ourselves, his family always wanted our help. His mom would call me for minutes for her cell and I would get them for her (even though i didn't have minutes on my own cell), she would also try to talk us into letting his dad stay with us in the hotel, his sister did stay with us for a week while we tried to straighten her out because she's also on crack and got beat up when she went on a "mission." She misses her kids birthdays, school plays, and so much.



Anyways, we moved in with my family and we quit smoking weed. We became pregnant within a week of moving. His mom calls and begs him to come home. She tries to make us feel guilty because she wants to see her granddaughter (who is 3 weeks old now). As soon as we found out we were pregnant, we decided not to move back to where we were from because of the drugs and gangs in the area. We don't want on child growing up there. His mom doesn't understand it, she says that it's worse up here (just because it's up north-we live in delaware, she lives in north carolin- she says the crime is worse up here). It's definately not. She was always saying that we could stay with her... and I told my fiance that even if I visited my friends in NC i would not stay with his mom because I'm not going to bring my child into a house with drugs.



The last straw was the Friday before Mother's Day. My fiance was depressed and called his mom to talk. Because he wasn't talking to me I thought he was mad. He also never would call him mom normally. I would have to nag him to call her for 3 days before he finally would. This made me paranoid that he was planning on taking our daughter and going back to NC. I listened in on the phone conversation and heard his mom talking pure shit about me. She was saying that my 2 week old baby didn't sleep much at night because i was online all day long (WRONG!) my schoolwork was behind because i couldn't get online to do it with taking care of her. She said a whole bunch of other stuff too and I started yelling at her. My cousin almost kicked my fiance out because we thought that he had been talking bad about me to his mom and that's why she was saying all that stuff. He was actually standing up for me though. Me and him talked and he told me that she also told him that he needed to get a paternity test because my baby looks "dark-skinned." The pictures were taken in a darkened room with a cell phone. Well, the next time I signed online she had sent me a message telling me he was going to have a breakdown and we didn't need to be yelling at him (she heard us yelling when he hung up on her). I told her he was fine, we talked and i reamed her for calling my baby dark and saying he needed a paternity test. She didn't comment on that, but she kept saying we needed to come back and could stay with her. All the time before I was always nice to her and didn't tell her why I wouldn't stay with her. This time I did. My fiance called her back and cussed her out and told her that he didn't want to talk to her ever again because she almost costed him his wife and daughter. Like you, I don't think it will last because that's his mom, but I've decided that I can't get mad at him for talking to her but our daughter will not see her because 1. she tried to get her dad to leave her and 2. she's on drugs. I would also make sure your husband knows that you mean serious business about her not being around his daughter. Make sure that you stess the point that if she's at your house with drugs and let's say someone gets mad at her and calls the cops (someone other than you) and they come and find drugs in your house, they could take your children at least temporary. Stress the point that you don't want drugs around your children and that her being like that is not worth you losing them.



I hope yours and my situations get better.

Kimberly - posted on 05/18/2009

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Hi Krystal. At this point, I really wouldn't even think of it as a choice he has to make, I would think of it as a choice you are making for your children, plain and simple. Your kids come first, as moms not only is that a natural instinct for us, but as we develop more as mothers, it becomes who we are. And you are not only looking out for your child with him, but your other children as well. In my opinion, I can understand the difficulty of having to tell him to choose, because after all it is his mother, but he is an adult and although he has battled his own addictions, he should begin to see how this may effect the kids. His parent was an addict, he became an addict, he should want to stop the trail there and not have that example for your kids. It is not wrong for you to say what you have to, no matter who it is to, when it has to do with your kids.

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