Kids before marriage

Annamarie - posted on 04/27/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Sometimes I feel like people judge me because I had my daughter before I was married. Me and her father are together and we talk about marriage it just hasn't happened. Weddings cost money and that's money I don't have. U don't like fitting into people's stereotypes but sometimes I wanna crawl under a rock cause I didn't do it the right way according to society.

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Sarah - posted on 04/27/2013

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First off don't marry because of what others say or do not say (think). A marriage is a commitment. That being said.....don't make excusses why you don't marry. Weddings do cost money, but you can also do a VERY nice wedding for not much money. I had a shotgun wedding.....I was still able to have the wedding I had dreamed of. I had my dress, guys tuxes, flowers, cake, etc. We just figured out how to do it cheaper. My ring is nothing fancy, but that is fine with me. It is the meaning behind the ring and the wedding that matters. The wedding is one day out of the rest of your lives together. Yes you want it to be special and with some of the things you have always dreamed of, but there are many people that have all the bells and whistles for their wedding and then are divorced 5 yrs later. I would rather have the things I really wanted and do without some of the things that were not as important and be married for 60 plus years. So for me when some says that they would/want to be married but can't right now because of cost I feel that that is just an excuse and not the real reason why they are not married. I guess I would rather have people call it for what it is.

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a lot of people now have kids before getting married so it's nothing to feel bad about. if you are already together and living like your are married then a party with a white dress isn't going to make that much of a difference. if it's really important for you to get married though, maybe consider just going down to the closest city hall and doing it there. it's usually pretty affordable

Lauren - posted on 05/03/2013

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Annamarie, I know how you feel. I don't think I ever learned to fully accept others' opinions before we got married--and part of it is being Catholic. That being said, I have an amazing support system through my family, friends and church, so with them, I've never felt "labeled."

Ultimately, you need to find a way to be happy with your life right now every day. We all struggle with that simply because life is hard. But there are also beautiful moments, so enjoy them regardless of what others think. Marriage is a HUGE deal, and you shouldn't enter into that commitment without pursuing forever together. My husband and I met in high school and just got married last year (7 years later) due to a combination of wanting to finish college, insurance needs, costs of a wedding, etc. For us, we knew we wanted to be married, but it's always good to be sure.

That being said, I firmly feel that a stable, healthy marriage is a great foundation for children--and us. Do you HAVE to be married to raise good children? Of course not! But I do believe when you put your marriage as a priority, your children, jobs, etc. will all follow suite. And while I understand many people go through life unmarried, I do think marriage says something about making and honoring a commitment--in addition to any religious connection you might have personally. Showing your children that someone is important enough to outwardly promise to put them before yourself (not abusing yourself, but in love and support) is a great symbol and way to teach them through actions. Just as you can say, "I can still love you without a government-issued piece of paper," you can also say "I love you enough to publicly commit to forever."

I think it's great you're not rushing into a decision on something so important, but when you do know you for sure want to be together forever, don't be scared of the commitment either. As long as you both remain open and supportive--even when it's hard--you'll be great, and your children will see that example and also believe in the powerful bond. I wish you the best!

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Rachel - posted on 05/03/2013

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If you aren't happy, don't blame society for not giving you "permission". More babies are born outside wedlock than in. If you are feeling shunned, its because you know you should be making a promise to your partner for your child. Society "accepting" you, wont make that nagging feeling go away. Go get married. Lots of people throw a reception at a later date. Start securing the foundation of your family now. You'll feel better. Worry about the party later. A wedding is not what a marriage should be about.

Cristina - posted on 05/03/2013

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Marriage is just a piece of paper anyways ! If you are happy and love each other don't let society knock your happiness ... It used to get to me as well as to I had my first son at 19 so as a teenage mom I was already judge by society as it is , so I kind of stopped caring what other people thought in general and just focused on my fiancé and son .. I am now pregnant at 22 expecting another boy next month me and my other half are still not married but I look foward to one day getting married and have my sons be a part of it :) it is very costly and not important now as to we need money for our new born.. People talk but they don't give you money to have weeding so they can't talk ...

Deanna - posted on 05/03/2013

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I had my daughter before her Dad and I got married. She was actually my flower girl.
My parents never got married and have 3 children together (each also with a child from previous relationships).
There is nothing wrong with having kids before marriage.
Weddings are costly. And for what you truly get out of them, that money can actually be not worth the price.

Brooke - posted on 05/02/2013

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Don't worry, you are actually pretty normal. My partner and I had 2 kids, they were aged 9 and 4 by the time we married. And it was lovely to have them involved. I know what you mean about society's views, the odd looks and comments can be irritating. I used to tell them "we'll, it was either a wedding or a baby. Look at my boy.... Would YOU give him up for a last name?" In the end, we only paid $1200 for our wedding, and my family still talks about how it was a lovely relaxed family time, how it was great to see the kids in it too. Every time I look at my wedding photo with the four of us, I smile and think how amazing it was that ALL my special people were there, and I would not have changed that for any amount of approval from snobby witches.

Annamarie - posted on 04/27/2013

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I love my child very much and don't feel I need to be married to want a future with someone. I love the idea of marriage. I grew up in a strict catholic Italian family all well established, married then kids. I have done everything backwards. Part of me doesn't care what society thinks but since my family is all old fashion and follows society it makes me wonder what they really think of me. I would def have a small wedding. I'm not one to have all the attention on me. I'm very simple when it comes to that.

Toni - posted on 04/27/2013

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Dont worry about what society thinks. I know it is easier said than done, but life gets alot happier once you stop caring.
Do you love your child? Are you happy with your relationship? If yes, then you are doing nothing wrong.
According to society I should not have a child at all. I was a teenage mother, not married, and I am alternative. So according to society I was out partying and taking drugs, sleeping with every man i saw, and doing satanic rituals.

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