Lack of a proper support system

Whitney - posted on 03/13/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Okay. I'm 19. Living with my mum. She's a single parent. Been at this parenting business for 26 years (she's had me and my other 3 sisters).

I'm currently 5 months pregnant, and I told her about it when I was just a month. She is a very caring person, very supportive. Problem is, my mother is just that person to other females... other young females. So from I was maybe 14, I've always found motherly love and comfort in other older females, and she's never liked it one bit, but we just can't connect. Never been able to. I know she loves me, but for most of my life I grew up feeling disconnected from her. We've tried counselling and all, and it's still the same way. She connects well with one of my other sisters. And that's pretty much it in the family. I've observed that she is a mother for other distressed females. She provides for me well, but as it comes to emotionally and mentally, we've never connected.

So now I'm pregnant. And she's a nurse. She's all I pretty much have to talk to me about all the bliss and not so blissful moments of this journey. But she's not there. Like, when things happen to me and I have certain concerns, I can't ask her because she is not interested, and she just doesn't want to be involved in the journey. She gets me maternity clothes, and she hasn't put me out (she was very mad and disappointed when I told her I am pregnant). She used to get me milk and cheese, and now she's stopped completely. I feel like she's giving me the cold shoulder, and I really don't know why. My other sister (26) is 8 months pregnant, and she is more involved with her- answering all her questions and so on, and I have to just sit there feeling completely left out. Completely abandoned.

Last night she told me that I should not be parading around her house with my belly naked because she doesn't like seeing it. The fact that she said it and the way she said it hurts me. Because I now know that she doesn't like seeing me around. My grandmother who lives with us likes saying that what if my child is born looking like a monkey, and any time I have pains in my stomach or back, she says maybe I'm losing the baby. This hurts.

Point is, I feel alone emotionally. I can understand that my mother is disappointed in me, but to be giving me the cold shoulder is making me feel so bad. I am happy that I am pregnant though this child wasn't planned for, because now I have to make my life count for something and someone.

At first, my child's father was not very supportive, but now he's doing the best he can to help me. His mother loves me to pieces, and she's very supportive. I can talk to her about any and everything, and I feel more comfortable being around him and his side of family. My mother hates him, my family hates him. But what's done is done. Me and my baby's father are still together, and we love each other. He lives with his mom. And in general we live 2 hours away from each other.

Sorry for making this so long, but I really feel alone and sad at home with my mother and grandmother.

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Kennishia - posted on 03/13/2014

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Hey Whitney! Sorry to hear about what your experiencing but congrats on your pregnancy! I don't know you and your family but from what you written it seems like your mom is really disappointed. My dad was disappointed when I got pregnant with my first son since I wasn't married and other factors and it really hurt me the way he treated me. I was closer to my child's fathers family at that point just like you are. I moved in with my sons dad and his parents, my dad and I didn't talk for a long time. I ended up being abused by my sons dad and now live on my own. I felt hopeless and like I had no support. My dad and I have rebuilt our relationship since but I just wanted to share a bit of my story with you to let you know your not alone I've been there and it's very emotional but hang in there and be strong for you and baby. If you can talk genuinely with your mother letting her know how you feel without saying things that may cause her to try and act defensive; it may help strengthen your relationship with her even if just a little. It's important to stay close with your side of the family as much as possible. Inspire of the negative things they may say or do, it seems that disappointment and not liking your child's father is unfortunately a big reason for their behavior; it's no ways justified but somewhat understanding. Still love them and try not to let any bitterness build up because you want to have healthy emotions and thoughts throughout and after your pregnancy. I Pray for the best for you and your family. Stay strong and be encouraged you will get through this! Muah!

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Whitney - posted on 03/14/2014

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Problem is, (and I don't want this situation between me and my mom to sound hopeless- because it's not), everytime I try to have a sit-down talk with her, she gets defensive, and distances herself away for days or weeks on end. She takes offence and feels bad. And that makes me feel guilty. She's my mom and I love her to pieces. And she is not a bad person. She is great actually. She is very kind and helpful, supportive and loving. I've just never connected with her nor her me on a close level. And we've tried. She's just that person to other females. Prime example- my female cousins. So I don't know. Really. And it worries me that my child won't be loved by her as my sister's or my cousin's children. That because of certain things, and her disappointment (and she doesn't like seeing my belly), she's going to distance herself from my baby (and that wouldn't be fair to him/her).

Whitney - posted on 03/14/2014

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Thank you Kennishia. I really appreciate that you took the time to read what I wrote and respond to it. It is very encouraging. I am still thinking hard about what I want after my baby is born, in terms of the future for both of us.

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