Lazy Husband.....

Veronique - posted on 03/02/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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Hey all moms!

I think i need to vent more then i need advice. My husband lost his job in Oct 2010 and ever since has bee on umemployement. When i was on mat leave ( 2008 till 2010 ) i did all the cleaning and i took care of the kids. So when i started working in July 2010 but sadly i lost my job also in Nov 2010. So for a while we were both unemployed, unfortunatly i got denied for unemployement for the fact that i didn't have enogh hours to get it. Sooooo i decided till i found a job to go and clean homes. The lady i was working for paid me 10$ under the table per hour and i would make about 200$ a week. Not nearly enough for us to make ends meat.

So i just recently found a new job ( early feb ) which pays me very well. My husband is still home because he decided to take the winter off, which is fine because there's a lot of reno's to do in the house. Now here's where i have a serious problem. My husband does shit around the house. I mean really doesn't do anything. I work from 9am till 6pm so of course he picks up our daughters at daycare and brings them home and feeds them, but all day he doesn't do laundry,dishes,clean the floors or anything else for that matter. I so exausted when i get home i just want to relax and spend a little time with the kids.......NO he already has me assign to something like he says the dishes need to be done oh yeah and do the cat litter oh yeah and when your done with that give the girls a bath oh and the garbage needs to be emptied oh can you do a load of laundry!!!!!! I mean the list goes on and on and on. I can't take this anymore and when i end up doing some cleaning around the house he complains that i'm not spending any time with him. So i told him ok i will take care of the cleaning but can you at least do the reno's. He says yes but when i call during the day i ask him so what you doing and he says nothing just on FACEBOOOOOOKKKKKKKK i hate facebook now. I say will you be doing any reno ummmmmmmmmm i have no energy so no. I really can't take this. Why stay married if i will end up doing all the work. I might as well be a single mom, right? I have so much more to get off my chest but i might make circle of moms website freeze up..........HELP ME PLEASE

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Firebird - posted on 03/02/2011

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No wonder he doesn't have any energy, if all he's doing is sitting on his butt, messing around on fb all day. Why are the kids in day care if he's at home? Go on strike. Next time you come home and he hands you the 'to do' list, hand it back to him and say 'nah, I don't think I will...' If he's not working out of the house, he can work in the house.
If you and the kids are hungry, cook for you and your daughters, he can fend for himself. He can do his own laundry too. When you call him at home and he says that he's on facebook, or otherwise doing nothing, say 'oh good, you have time to take out the garbage/clean the floors/change the litter box' or whatever you'd like him to do while you're at work. If he says that he has no energy, TOO BAD!
Of course there's a fair chance that my advice will lead to an argument, but you know what? You're his WIFE, not his SLAVE and you deserve to be able to relax when you get home. That being said, he's not a slave either, I think household chores should be done by both partners, not just the one who doesn't work. But he should definitely start pulling his weight.

Robyn - posted on 03/09/2011

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While i go to work my partner takes care of our son and he will do whatever needs to be done, ie dishes, washing or the dinner. We have a deal that when i come home from work he then can do whatever he wants but as long as he spends sometime with us during the time i am home. Either put your foot down or go away for a week and leave him yo do everything and if you return to the same thing just go away for a bit longer til he gets the hint you are going to stand for it anymore

Bre - posted on 03/08/2011

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I had to read this post!! haha! I know exactly how you feel!!! :)my partner lost his job in nov. 2010 and has also been on unemployment.... long story short....



I never bitched, or yelled at him bc that would be wasting my energy! I simply stopped doing his laundry, picking up his things, making him meals. when he realized he had no clean underwear, he had to make his own meals, I think it helped him realize that I do help him out and he needs to help me out also!



Stop pampering your husband and take time for you when you get home from work!! Obviously you are helping your family out with your new job.



hope this helps and wish you the best!

Amber - posted on 03/07/2011

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cut the internet and take it off of ur phones when he is better connect the web again, my man is the same way, i feel ur pain, tough love is the best at this point, we spoiled them too much at first

Lisa - posted on 03/06/2011

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im sorry but I have to laugh cause I could go on and on and on too!! hey maybe we can be friends! lol Anyways Im a stay at home mom and sometimes really lazy and dont get shit done! my kids r 3 and just truned 1 and im 3 months pregnant so yeah im exhausted at times! so heres my thoughts.....hes a man! There are very far from few men out there who clean! lets face it men are disgusting thats why they need us! lol I know how u feel though im about as fed up with my husband as it gets! For different reasons but the same! I swear I feel like I have a 16 year old in my house at times! lol but all in all I love him and dont want anyone else rasing my kids so I just try really really hard to accept him for him

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Cass - posted on 12/09/2012

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when he asks you to do all that stuff, just say no. tell him to get off his ass and keep his word like a real man would. have you expressed how you feel? does he even care how you feel? this will only, and has already led to some resentment, am i right? its almost abusive how he orders you around the house like a slave, and then blames you for not spending time with him. he sounds like a jerk, my husband would never act that way towards me. tell him to wake the fuck up and look around at what you do for the family. or tell him to get a job, and you can gladly take care of the house work. as long as theres this element called BALANCE. looks like he's found out that he can mooch off of you and your hard work ethic. well, i'd say no more! you deserve to be happy and respected, you only live once so don't waste your years in regret of allowing yourself to be taken advantage of!

Abby - posted on 11/23/2012

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Your husband is a pathetic loser. Sorry, but that's the truth. He's obviously not going to change, whether you are nagging him or not. I say that you divorce his sorry behind and dump him on his mama. He's not a man, he's a preteen boy wanting the goodness in life but doesn't want to have to face the work of having the good stuff. He is NOT depressed because he is having his needs met in every way, but ignores your needs, and lives in his own little world - and is proud of it. He is a bad example for your children, so I say LEAVE now. Real men help out, not sit around like lazy bums just because life isn't going at a smooth pace. Stuff happens.



Now, I am not saying that you should divorce him because of his unemployment, that has nothing to do with his laziness, actually. Since the ecomony is as crappy as it is, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to find a decent job. But he should still be helping around the house and maintaining it since you are working. But, since he's not even trying, he is nothing but a useless jerk. That may offend you, but the truth hurts sometimes. And it's your fault, partially, for putting up with it. And then you go on here and whine about the problem you semi-created. He didn't change overnight. Period.

[deleted account]

I understand (kind of) what you are saying. My husband and I used to split the housework and the cleaning about 40/60. After our son was born I did all of it and all the childcare. He treated it like he was doing me a favor for him to watch our son for an hour so I could take a break. I thought it might change when I went back to school full time but nope it didn't. I still did all the childcare and all the cooking/cleaning. I ended up so fed up, because I Had asked for more help on many ocsassions, that I left. I moved in with my mom for a month and told him we were splitting up. I meant to to. Suddenly he started cleaning and watching our son more.I think that sometimes guys are stupid and don't believe you when you tell them things. Sometimes they need a good kick in the pants. Things are not perfect with my husband and I, but he does help more and he shows more appreciation for what I do around the house because he knows what it would be like if I wasn't

Kelly - posted on 03/09/2011

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I have the same problem, I fixed it by threathening to kick him out if he didnt help around the house and watch the kids. It worked and now he at least does the dishes and takes the trash out and does with the kids.

Alisha - posted on 03/09/2011

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I have been married for a year and a half. So maybe I don't know to much about how this works. We have a one year old daughter and another baby on the way. When I was working and my husband wasn't, he stayed at home and took care of our daughter, cleaned the house, took out the trash, vacuumed, did the house repairs, and had dinner done and on the table by the time I got home. He is now working and I am a stay at home mom and college student. I do the dishes, make dinner and take care of our daughter. Plus do the occasional other house work that needs to be done. He comes home from work and the first thing he does is spends a couple hours just playing with our daughter. Then asks me if there is anything I need help with such as dinner, setting the table, maybe something from the store, taking the trash out and so on. I believe that is how a marriage should be. He also does all of our home reno's. I don't touch a thing when it comes to that cause he has a certain way he like things done. But I do believe that marriage is 50/50 and if no reno's have been made than he has a lot of house work to catch up on along with the reno's until his 50 has been made up!! I hope this helps.

Veronique - posted on 03/08/2011

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To Katie, here in Montreal Canada if your kid is in daycare even if there not there you must pay. So yeah the kids stay home with daddy sometimes but i still have to pay for a full week. The same goes for holidays if a holiday happens to be on a week day and the daycare is close i still must pay.

Amanda - posted on 03/08/2011

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Sorry no advice but I know how you feel...When i was the stay at home parent i did everthing but now my hubby is the stay at home parent and there is no routine for our daughter and barely anything gets done...and because i work in a call center i get told i dont even work because i sit all day and talk...I would give anythinthing to go back to being a stay at home mommy again :-(

Amber - posted on 03/08/2011

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i know how you feel.....my husband is terrible..makes me do everything then complains about how i do it and not fast enough and that im neglecting him and the kids...the exhaustion comes from him. and that is why we are seperated right now till he shows me that he is willing to step up and be the husband and father he should be...good luck girl. my advice is stand up and say something you have to think about you too :)

Angela - posted on 03/08/2011

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I have the same problem with the fact that nothing gets down when my hubby is at home while being laid off in the winter months. Its like I have another child here well teenager because he can cook and pick up the girls from school other than that nothing else gets done unless I scream about it and even then i get all do is bitch about everything. But I work at night and have to sleep during the day most of the time. Like today instead of me sleeping im cleaning even thou i have to be at work tonight. And you wanna know what hes doing??? SLEEPIN like he did anything the past few days oh and did i mention I am 37 almost 38 wks pregnant of course that could be why im stressing so much but I complain about this stuff all the time. And your hubby might be on facebook... mine likes to play COD call of duty on the PS3 like a lil kid.

Lisa - posted on 03/07/2011

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to Maria u are the luckiest women in the world!!! I wish my husband did that he thinks cause he works and I stay home that he doesnt have to do anything around here! Lucky You!

Amy - posted on 03/07/2011

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I'd give him an ultamatum, either share the work load or sod off. I know that ideally you'd like to stay a family but if you're miserable theres no point.

You'll be a much happier person in the long run :) x

Blanca - posted on 03/06/2011

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If he can't sleep and has insomnia and is bored...have him clean then!!!! Maybe he will get so tired from scrubbing floors and washing clothes that he could sleep!!

I don't have any quick fixes for you but I hope you find one!! GOOD LUCK!

Nellie - posted on 03/06/2011

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i would try and talking to him and if that does get him helping then go on strike i dont like my house messy either..and if i worked all day i would wont to come home to a messy house that hes been making messy all day...if your off then yea doin house working is what normally happens lol..but him being on fb all day and shit seems really lazy...id talk to him and see what happens beforre goin to far and makin problems worst before they can get better...my man is kinda the same way but hes gone working for two months the frist few weeks home i dont ask for him to do anything but he sumtimes helps out but hes just getts into madden and wont stop...just talk first then go from there...

Katie - posted on 03/06/2011

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I have the same situation now. my hubby hasn't worked since december 2010, and he always comes up with some kind of excuse to not look for a job. I am SO sick of it! If he isnt going to help, then i dont need him dragging me down. I feel like he is just costing me more money from being home using electricity and stuff! I'm not really in the position to help or give advice, but man do i feel for your situation!!!!

Taylor - posted on 03/06/2011

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First of all there is no reason for your kids to be in day care if he is home all day. pulling the kids out of day care will not only save you money but it may make him to some things around the house. or, it will make him try harder to find a job haha. but if he is going to be at home all day he needs to help you out! talk to him, and if he doesnt listen, dont do ANYTHING for him. go on strike. dont make dinner, dont wash his clothes, dont do his dishes, soon enough he'll come around and start pitching in more.

Tanya - posted on 03/05/2011

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Well...hummm I think it would work well to play hard ball with hime, meaning put him on somewhat of a schedule, don't tell him that. For instance tell him Mondays I want you to do this, this and this. Even write it on a list for him. Try and express your feelings without saying, you need to do this, you are lazy and instead say I really am beginning to feel like you don't care about how I feel and or I am stressed out. I would sit him down and say this is how I would like this to happen tell him about the list and say if this doesn't get done your not doing it and stick to it, let it pile up ect.. it's different because he is not working. Also you guys are tight on money why not cut out daycare! I'm sure you have a good reason, just curious.

Maria - posted on 03/05/2011

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I'm a stay at home mom... so I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry caretaking... My husband works all day, but as soon as he is home, he is all about being a daddy. He helps me to feed them dinner, changing diapers, getting them ready for bed... He will even do dishes after dinner and some nights, clean up the kitchen.
I understand he works all day, but so do I without a lunch break, coffee break, weekends, vacations... So although I do everything during the day, he helps out nights and weekends. We both made our kids, so we both share the responsibility of raising them.
Communication is the key. If he is not working and you are, he needs to help you out with the stuff you would do if you were home all day. It is only fair if you are the main bread winner.

Megan - posted on 03/04/2011

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My husband and I both work full time.. He usually gets home before me and even though we both spend 8 hrs a day at work, I'm the one who usually cooks dinner, cleans up the dishes, does all the laundry etc etc etc ad nauseum. Usually if I ask him to do something, he will do it.. but I'm pretty sure he is going to expect me to do all of these things for him for the rest of his life! I'm not his Mama! I'm only one little girl's Mama! So our new deal is that if when he is home and I'm at work he gets to do all those things that I would do if I was at home. I don't usually make him to laundry, but Sundays he cooks dinner now, and has it ready when I get home, then cleans it all up! I'm happy with even just one day a week.. because if I COULD I would be a a stay at home mom.. but that isn't an option for us. A marriage = team!!! sometimes we all have to do things that we don't want to do! and my man will clean up after himself, dammit!!!

Victoria - posted on 03/04/2011

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My husband and I work crazy hours and I am usually the last one home late at night and my husband does try to do some things, but if he gets on his game or a movie then it is game over! I mean he does alot and does not tell me to do everything, we try and keep if fair, but he is a little lazy and im not saying im perfect, but I try and pick up a little when I get home which is around midnight alot of nights and like I said he tries, just gets of course. So in a way I know how you feel!!!

Lexie - posted on 03/04/2011

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it seems to me, that he is taking advantage of you quite badly. my husband works days and i work nights 5-7 days a week, and we have 5 children. and between the two of us, we manage to get all the house hold chores done. it isnt always an even split, and it doesnt necessarily get done every day, depending on overtime and such, but we both pitch in. I really feel for you but, until you put your foot down, he will continue to use you and mistreat you, not to mention the image he is portraying to your daughters. if your husband doesnt treat you with respect, and treats you like a maid, chances are your daughters will learn that behavior. if you dont put a stop to it soon, you will burn yourself out and not be any good for anyone, especially your babies.

Taylor - posted on 03/04/2011

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I would calmly try explaining all this to him....hopefully he the point. I hope all goes well for you...or your right you may be better off a single mom

Taylor - posted on 03/04/2011

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I would calmly try explaining all this to him....hopefully he the point. I hope all goes well for you...or your right you may be better off a single mom

Kerrie - posted on 03/04/2011

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hi there
i am in a simular situation as you i have a 15 month old daughter and i am working part time.
my partner lost his job at the end of jan and since then he just sits around all day doing nothing and when i get home i start with the house and my daughter while he sits watching tv or asking me to do things that he could quite easily do. to top this off he now says he is depressed.
i also have his 2 sons every weekend one of 14 one of 6 who i keep entertained as he doesnt seem bothered. the 6 year old is very difficult!!
i to am at the end of my tether and i would hate to leave but i have tried talking to him bt never get anywhere it is a nightmare
good luck

Carolyn - posted on 03/03/2011

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doing nothing all day is tiring.. litterally.. thats why he has no energy. probably has something to do with his sleep issues as well. I know what its like to sit on your ass all day being completely none productive, having no energy, and only being able to sleep at best 2-3 hours. the cycle just repeats itself until you actually go out and do something tiring...

chances are he is moderately depressed ( no desire to do anything, inability to sleep, etc) sounds like it. Have you considered having everyone take a "day off" and just go do something fun as a family ? get him out of the house for longer than a run to daycare, having some fun, getting some fresh air, with no pressures of being at home for anyone ? Or try helping him get started on the renos. Pack the kids up and shop em to grandmas for an afternoon and each grab a hammer and start the demo. Its a great way to blow off some steam breaking and smashing things for both of yous. Once a project is started, it might motivate him to keep going with it. If he doesnt , than it can motivate him to get a job and pay someone to finish it.

Winter is probably the worst time to take off. Weather is shit, dark and somber on most days. Alot of people feel like crap on a good day because of the weather, let alone someone who might already be feeling down on themselves.

Just be warned though... renovating a home in itself can be very stressful on a relationship ( we completely gutted our downstairs and rebuilt, losing 50 % of our living space during the reno so the house was a disaster, furniture stacked all over the place, building materials, etc) so proceed with caution !

Savona - posted on 03/03/2011

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Sit him down at a time where your kids are asleep so you guys have that one on one time with each other. Try saying something like.... "What if you were working again and I did barely anything around the house, would that make you upset?"
Its unfair that you should be "expected" to work ALL day and then come home and do your 'second' job of cleaning house and playing mom.
If youre the stay at home parent then you gotta do the housework, maybe not ALL of it, but majority of it, IS your work in my opinion. >.> Like... I can understand maybe if you get home and hes done everything else and asks "Could you bathe the kids?" then ya ok thats not terrible, but asking you to do the laundry, change the litter, wash the dishes, take the garbage out and bathe the kids after youve gotten home from a 9 hour job? nononononononoNO. Perhaps after he lost his job hes come down with some sort of depression?
Could be a possibility, not saying thats the case, you should both really sit down and talk this through if you can.
Hope you find some good answers, *HUG* take care

Nadia - posted on 03/03/2011

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oh wow hunny do i know how you feel! lol i've spent the last 6 years trying to train my hubby and he's pretty good now... when i ask/tell him to do something. if left to his own devices however, nothing is ever done! I'd simpl tell your man outright and bluntly (men tend to not pick up on hints) that since you are working he wil be the housewife. you will expect dinner every night when you get home, the house to be somewhat tidy, garbage taken out, laundry done etc. You might have to actually show him how to do these things (mine had no clue how to work the washer!) and/or leave a to do list every morning. but bottom line, if he's not working outside the home, he should be working IN it!!! And don't forget to praise him lots when he does do something (no matter how small) without being asked... its like training a puppy. By the way, i actually do love my hubby very mch lol!

Katie - posted on 03/03/2011

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Well I would tell him that since he is home all day that maybe the kids should only go to daycare part time or not at all to save the household some money... Even if you don't need to save any money, he may nice like being home alone all day with the kids.. then he cant be lazy. Also, I would have no problem with putting my foot down about the chores and i would tell him exactly what you just said,"I should be a single mom because I do everything myself anyway!" I would tell him he needs to start pulling some weight and do more to take some stress off of you.

Veronique - posted on 03/03/2011

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Yeah, thanks it feels good to talk about it lol. I've told him i don't how many times but i mean maybe i'm to understanding but i get that he doesn't sleep sometimes at night so he doesn't have energy but yeah he does sleep he's still lazy. I mean we don't argue about the cleaning because if it gets done it gets done but if i don't have time it's ok. Sometimes i'll come home and he will have done an intense cleaning on either our room or the bathroom or something like that but it's not consistent. So yeah i'll see if things change but if not i will seriously consider doing this on my own and just leave........Ok maybe not that serious but go on a cleaning srtike,mom strike,wife strike lol

Bonnie - posted on 03/03/2011

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If he is staying home, he should be doing all the things you would be doing if you were home.

Leslie - posted on 03/03/2011

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I understand. i fell the same way i want to to get so mad but i try to stay cool. when im pregant he helps me but when im not he dont wtf is that. i mean maybe you should just tell him look get a job or get off ur ass and do somthing around here because if you dont ur ass is out of here i can do this all by myself and do it better with out stressing over you. just saying i guess im that kind of person if my husband dont like it he know he can leave i love him but im not super woman . Good luck girl.

Veronique - posted on 03/03/2011

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Well that's my point, if you see that the laundry pilled up do a load, if you see the garbage needs to be emptied then to it and so on and so on. Don't wait till i get home at 6:30pm and then have me do it all. I'll give him this, he makes supper for all of us and will feed the girls when he picks then up. Sometimes there in the bath when i get home but just not wash so i have to wash them. He's not a man that demands that the house be in order. He doesn't really care is i don't get to the dishes unless he really needs something to cook with. But i still find it anoying because i don't like my house to be messy. I took such good care of it when i was on mat leave for 2 years and now i don't have enough time :( So yeah i help would be nice.

Firebird - posted on 03/03/2011

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Ok it makes sense that your girls are in daycare, losing their spot isn't ideal. But he messes up the house too, there is no logical reason that he can't tidy up a bit while you're at work. Especially since he hasn't been doing the renos that he promised. As for the insomnia.... I have been dealing with insomnia since I was 11 years old. That's 15 years. Some nights I don't even get that hour of sleep. I still get my shit done in a day. I understand that renovations can be hard work that require one to be alert, but if he can't do renos one day, he can still pull his weight by taking out the garbage and doing a load of laundry.

Veronique - posted on 03/03/2011

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To answer all your questions, our daughters are in daycare because now he started a business which really hasn't taken off the ground yet but will soon. I live in Montreal Canada and 7$ a day care are very hard to find and if we took the girls out we would loose our spot so we kept them in, because him being home was only tempoary. Plus he had told me that he would be working on the house so wouldn't have time to take care of them. I've told him many times that i can't do this on my own that i'm getting burnt out and he says that same thing cleaning is not my job in this house, reno's are......So i told him ok fare enough i will do my part and clean the house and not bitch about it but you have to do your part and do the reno's because if you don't them you're not doing your part. I spoke to him this morning and my husband suffers from insomnia and he really hasn't slept in a few months, ok maybe and hour a night so that's the reason he has given me, so i said ok far enough but for the last week he's back to sleeping 7-8 hours a night so i told him you think you can now get started and he said yes, so now it's really just a waiting game. Things better change cause i'm getting really fed up and i will leave it push comes to shove. I don't see why i need to pull all the weight around here plus work 8 hours a day!!!!!!

Heidi - posted on 03/03/2011

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I was/am in a similar situation. After being laid off in 2008 my husband has struggled to find work and became a slob. It was exhausting to come home to a trashed home knowing nothing happened all day except gaming. He would lie about looking for work.

Things finally changed when I sat him down and confronted him and calmly explained my position and observations. I then told him that I loved him but refused to continue living that way and that I was considering leaving. He has since taken a job working overnight. It doesn't pay a lot but it has changed him. We're still working it out but we're getting there,

I hope things get better.

Brianna - posted on 03/02/2011

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i think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him and explain how ur feeling and how that since hes not working he needs to help alot around the house. you should make a to do list on the calender so that everyday he seeings what needs to be done for example.. monday is landry day so he much do all the laundry or make it so he has to do 1 load of laundry everyday (wash and put away).

Alexis - posted on 03/02/2011

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Why are your kids in daycare if he is home all day? Waste of money and bonding time if you ask me. I would put my foot down and say no to cleaning, tell him your home all day doing nothing so you clean and then you go spend time with your kids.

Ashley - posted on 03/02/2011

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Invite his friends over and explain all the renos your planing now that he is home let them give him shit he should be embarrassed and get to work.

Stifler's - posted on 03/02/2011

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If he's a stay at home dad... he should be looking after the kids and cleaning the house while you're at work. he would probably expect that from you if he was working and you stayed home!

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