Long vent.. Need advice?

Sarah - posted on 08/13/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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This is going to be kind of long so sorry...

I am 25 years old in college for my Associates Degree in Paralegal. Yes, very draining, its still law school pretty much the difference is that I wont be taking the bar exam when I am finished!! I am getting married next year, I have a 4 1/2 mo old daughter, a 2 almost 3 year old daughter, and a 4 year old son. My kids do go to daycare from about 9-5 but most of the time I am either in class doing homework or cleaning the house or running around to get things done or trying to sleep or just THINKING about what I have to do..

My fiance works 3p-11:30p, I tell him all the time that I am so tired. The other day I told him that I would love to feel like a woman again, he said "I didn't make u feel like a woman last night?".. Seriously? Its so much more than sex to make me feel like a woman. I just want to be cute again, not have to worry about if the house is clean, are there clean clothes, clean dishes, kids baths, are the kids fed, do the kids need anything, what do we need for the house, the kids are fighting again, the baby needs to be changed, etc... I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel amazing, i want to wear nice clothes/shoes, i want him to look at me like he use to or even like other men use to, i just want to be a woman. My fiance DOES NOT help around the house but occasionally, when he isn't working he is either sleep or out running around or sitting there watching tv while i am running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to make sure EVERYTHING is done.. He always says "why don't u just sit down?" HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT? Unfortunately i cant do what he does and tune the kids out.. I wish I could but, how realistic is that for moms? He is a great man, but when I leave my kids with him, all i can think about is are they ok? He is a good father, its my personal issues that make me scared of him caring for them.. He does get frustrated but who wouldn't when they never have to deal with it? Maybe its all the horror stories i hear about fathers when they get frustrated with their kids.
My 4 year old son is a typical boy, jumping off the walls, tying his sister up, gathering play guns, building cars out of all of his toys, climbing trees etc.. I love him so much but i get so frustrated with him. I feel like I am unable to give him that extra attention that he needs just like the other 2 get. He is an awesome kid, he minds GOOD, usually don't have to get whoop ins (yes, my kids do get "disciplined" and my form of discipline is whoop ins, they did it back in the days and kids were just fine so.. There is a difference between beating your kids and disciplining your kids, i do not beat my babies) he usually does what he is told the first or second time. He has a mouth on him, im sure he don't realize that he is getting smart but i still correct him and sometimes after i correct him i feel that i was a little to annoyed and got a little to angry..
My 2 almost 3 year old daughter, OMG!!! She is soooooooo much.. She don't listen!! I feel so horrible because i feel like i HAVE to whoop her to get her to mind, I promise I have tried everything, from ignoring her bad behavior to getting a switch to smack her on her behind. I really dont like to whoop her but like i said, i feel like thats the only option i have.. She tests me all the time. Its so odd because its almost as if we cant stand each other but when we are apart i think about her all the time, even before i think about the other two.. She is so beautiful and smart. She will tell me no in a heartbeat she just does everything that she isn't suppose to do.
My 4 1/2 month old, she is overall a good baby, she hardly cries unless she is hungry or tired, but while she is at daycare i think they hold her all the time. So on the weekends during the hours she is usually at daycare, it seems like she cries to be held. But around 6 or so she calms down and will either play with her brother/sister or swing.. So that makes it hard on the weekends to care for all three of them..
Everyone tells me how good of a job i am doing about how good of a mother i am blah blah blah.. But in reality i think i am a horrible mother. I yell all the time. And i am always tired, angry, annoyed, frustrated, and ready to give up. Today i literally had to tell the oldest two kids to get away from me and i sat on the couch with my hands over my ears saying to myself "i love my kids but don't think i can do it anymore.. stop crying please stop crying.. just go to bed.." I don't know what to do, i have thought about going to parenting classes, but not sure if that will help, tried to plan a night out but something ALWAYS happens to screw that up. I just cant take it anymore, i feel so unhappy with my life.....
Please someone talk to me tell me that i am not alone, give me some advice.. I want to be a good mother i really do.. I just don't know how and i am so ready to give up i am so annoyed...

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Jennifer - posted on 08/16/2012

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Hey! My name is Jennifer and I'm 27. I have 4 kids and 1 more on the way. I also have my niece living with me and then I have my other niece and nephew on the weekends most the time because my sisters can't seem to deal with their kids much. I was there once as well and still feel like that most the time. I've taken a parenting class called Love and Logic. There is a book called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years By Jim and Charles Fay. I would highly suggest reading it because it has helped me in many ways. I was a single mom for over a year with three kids and found a great guy who is very supported. I used to be in the same spot you are and decided that if I was going to do it on my own that I would be on my own. I can't tell you that you should be on your own but I can say that you should really sit down and have a long talk with your boyfriend and let him know what you are feeling. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk you are welcome to message me.

Jeannie - posted on 08/16/2012

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I feel like I yell at my kids to much too. Mine are 3.5 and 2. My oldest has medical issues and we almost lost him when I was pregnant with our second. I always feel bad about getting mad at him because there is a voice in my head that says 'you can't get mad what if he had died?' Then my daughter is a drama queen and knows how to use it. She screams all the time and it gets on my nerves! They are both acting like they have the terrible twos. No is the first thing out of their mouths. They really like to misbehave in the store. If you say something to them or heaven forbid pull them apart, someone will say your abusing them. I had a lady actually tell me that I was abusing my son because I was holding his arms while he was throwing a tantrum. He was hitting his sister's head against the cart I told him to stop and he tried to hit me. Tell me which is worse? On the other had if you let them misbehave then you are a bad mom and are teaching them that it is okay. (Okay that was my little vent rant sorry).
I worry about how daddy handles the kids when I am in school (which was one of the ways he realized how much I did and why I couldn't sit around with him too). I also feel like a terrible mom for wanting to go to school just for the break from the kids. I have cried many times thinking I am not a good mom and they would be better of with out me. Maybe they could get someone with more patience or something.
I try and vent to my friend and all I get is a lecture on how good of a mom I am and I need to stop listening to others. Sometimes we just need to vent. Going to school and trying to raise a family is really hard and stressful. Others vent about their jobs and that is what we are doing.
Talk to your fiance and see if he will be your shadow for a day. He has to get up when you do, take care of the kids with you, clean, cook, study (make him read something on his work or anything that is not pleasure reading), etc. Then switch and see what one of his day is like.
Oh just as an example of how your not alone, I told my son he could not come out of his room during nap time unless it was to go potty. He had come out of his room so many times that I yelled at him from down stairs and loudly ran up stairs to make him go back. I found him holding the pot of pee quivering in the corner afraid that I was going to yell some more. I felt like crap and the biggest jerk on the plant! I cried so hard.
As far as feeling like a woman, some of that has never returned but after I took my husband clothes shopping with me he got to see me in cute and not so mommy clothes, he finally understood what I meant and bought some for me and took the kids to his parents the next weekend. We didn't have sex but we spent time together like we did when we were dating. That to me was sooo much better than if we just had sex.
Men are like a kid you have to show them how you want them to act. :))

Crystal - posted on 08/16/2012

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So it seems like you do all the work around the house well what I would do is talk to your husband about pitching in more around the house. I think its easier for men to tune children out or go on with their daily life not realizing the affects it has on the family. Us women have to do it all but it can burn you out and you don't want that to happen. I have a four year old daughter and she is a mess. But when she does things I don't like I sit down or kneel to her level and talk to her about what she did wrong and why its not going to happen again of course it may take a few times and maybe even a time out for her to understand but they eventually will get it but you have to be consistent. You should ask the daycare if they are holding the little one a lot and ask them not to because you have other kids that need attention as well. As far as cleaning the house delegate some chorus for the hubby and stand your ground otherwise his behavior will continue. Start taking time out for yourself every once in awhile find a babysitter and take the time you use to get dressed and bath and look your best even if your just going to see a movie or get dinner at a restaurant. I'm full time student as well but I have two children my four year old daughter and my son is 11 they both help me clean the house since they both contribute to messing it up. I know its hard to get my four year old to help but good instructions usually does trick and making her think its a great thing to clean up even helps more. You are a great mom but we need breaks too that's reality.

Angel - posted on 08/15/2012

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Hi I am Mom of 3! I am a little older. I turned 32 yesterday. I have my oldest that was diagnoised with a mild form of autism, when I was 25. He is 11 almost 12. At the time of his diagnois I had 18 month old and I was pregnant with 3rd child. I was a stay home Mom. I have gone thru the same feelings and I still have those feelings at times. I think every Mom does. Just remember you are doing your best. Also I agree PRAYER is a key factor. GOD has held my hand thru a lot of things. He has showed the good when all I could see was bad. GOD loves all of us!

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Janet - posted on 09/09/2012

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Oh and feel free to message me when you want a ranting partner! lol Or just a friend to listen.

Janet - posted on 09/09/2012

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First of all, you are NOT alone! My situation is a bit different. I am a SAHM and I am also a full-time student. I don't work....yet (trying to find a job). My son's father is the same way. Granted he works a lot, which I always thank him for, however, when it comes for caring for his son (watching him) and picking up for himself, and making feel like a woman...poof gone. He also loves his son a lot, I know it, he knows it but like your fiance he doesn't have to deal with the tantrums (my son is 2 almost 3). He doesn't watch him and I can't depend on him to babysit for 2 hours. If he does (which he never does unless a huge fight erupts), I know what it would be like. Him playing video games while our son sits on his lap. When he's home, he's at the gym working out for three hours, playing a game or napping. I am a patient person, I try my best to understand, but he honestly think I do NOTHING at home. For example, "I work all day and all you do is watch Edmund and school." When I clean the house,he will give thanks but doesn't help keep it clean. I don't ask him to do anything big, put your clothes in the hamper, towel back in the bathroom, don't leave crap on the counter and put it away after you are finished. It's almost like having another kid.... in addition to our son and our 2 dogs.



My son is deaf with a cochlear implant on his right ear. He gets speech therapy 3 x's a week and 2 of those days are at our house and I work with him throughout the day, but that doesn't bother me, he's my son and that's the responsibility I gave myself when I decided to have him. To continue,one of those days is on his day off, and honestly I am embarrassed because he'll leave me there with her alone each time. AND he complains about having to drive me to the appointment on Wednesdays. When I am not playing with my son, helping him improve his hearing and speech I am doing homework, ( I take 4 to 5 online courses every semester) and I try to clean after everyone in addition to that. What is worse is that I've gained weight (which is natural) and I do try to watch what I eat most of the time, but I can't find the time to go to the gym while he works out nearly everyday, then complains I don't care about my body.



So I am like you frustrated about at times I have the urge to punch my bf (not my son, just to clarify lol) in the face. I am not sure how I will hold up when I do get a job or how much help he will be if any.



Sorry I started typing and began my OWN rant!



As for a solution, sit down and talk to him. YOU need a break or your relationship is not going to last. I don't care if it is 40 minutes getting a mani-pedi or w.e but if you don't it's not going to work. If he doesn't start to help out more, honestly, be prepared for this to be your life, and if it is, I don;t feel that marriage is going to be the solution. Lucky for me, my MIL (i consider her a second mom) is more understanding and will give me some time to myself. However, you need to assess your life and think, "Can I handle this being my life?" if not... make a plan and change it.

Amanda - posted on 09/08/2012

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Awwwww.....your NOT a bad Mom! Your a Mom who's spread too thin. I can relate...when I am working I feel angry when I am home I resent the fact that my husband sits on the couch when I do stuff. My kids are sooo much better behaved this last year that I have been on mat leave....which is forcing me to make a tuff decision...go back to work or stay home. Your 2 almost 3 year old sounds like my oldest last year. She was awful when I was working. I think you need to sit your man down and tell him exactly how you feel or write it out for him. I LOVE that you Whoop ur kids. lol I do to when they need it. Also I'd talk to your Dr. Ur baby is only 4 months and Mom's can develop PPD any time in the first year. I did when my oldest was 6 months. I HATED my husband and no one could look after my kids as good as me.

Donna - posted on 08/27/2012

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I am 20 almost 21... I have a 2 almost 3 year old and a 4 month old.... I know how you feel.. My husband works 12 hour days... Some weeks day shift and some weeks night shift... Somedays with out a day off... So, I am always doing everything... Doctors, cleaning, bath, bed etc... He helps when he can... If he works day shift he comes home and cooks dinner for me and takes over with the kids while I finish cleaning... Night shift is all me... I clean cook the whole nine yards... Just keep doing what you are doing... Somethings that helps is doing errands with a friend... So, that you can talk and hang out... Also, clean a little hear and there... Don't try doing it all at once... Prayer does help... I have my days that I want to cry and I have to send my eldest to her room for about five minutes so tha I can breath... It happens... We are human.. You sound like you are a great mom... Just breath sometimes... My daughter has an attitude toalso... The only person she would listen to is her daddy, but I found putting her in the corner helped... She started listening a little better.... Try when you are winding down to maybe find a book (if you like to read) and escape into the book... I do that at the end of the night... Sometimes it isn't bad to leave a little dishes in the sink or leave laundry in the dryer till the next day... Not everything has to be done in one day...

Vanessa - posted on 08/22/2012

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From personal experience I've only ever felt that way when my husband wasn't picking up his slack, you just get more irritated etc and everything the kids do bothers you more than usual, he needs to step up and be a parent, it's so much easier when you are a team, I think it's him not you, good luck

Sarah - posted on 08/17/2012

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Are you asking for him to help or are you walking by him sitting on the couch watching TV and throwing ur arms up in disgust because he should just KNOW to GET UP and HELP? lol I used to be like that (which is why i ask) with my boyfriend and trust me, askings for help is so much easier for everyone
Now if I find myself chasing my two year old while I'm doing dishes, picking up,or whatever it is at the time, and I see my bf sitting there doing nothing ill just ask 'hey honey would u mind picking up the living room while your watching that show?' It works I swear! And that's one less room for me to do!

Deanna - posted on 08/16/2012

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It sounds like you are biting off WAY more than you can chew. Does the house need to be immaculate? Do you need to be in school full time now? I know sitting down is hard, but you need to. Doing too much at once will burn you out. Not a might, but a will. You sound close to it already.
I have to say, mothers have a hard time being selfish. We don't go out to get our hair done, get a massage, etc. Does Daddy work weekends? Go out to a movie by yourself, with a friend. Just something to unwind, something to restart. You need it, more than I think you care to admit.

Lashawnda - posted on 08/15/2012

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I under stand where you are coming from. I'm 25 as well with a 2 almost 3 ye old daughter and she sounds.exactly lime your older daughter. Only difference btw me and u is I am a single mom, 1 child and her father is not in her life so I it ALL by myself so I know what you're going through. I don't get to plan nights out because there's no one to watch.her for me. But trust me you are a good mother because you're doing the best you can do in your circumstances.

Janessa - posted on 08/15/2012

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I believe we all have days and periods like that. Prayer is the only thing that helps me. As for your fiancee, this is hard, but guys just are different, focus on what he does do, and praise him for that, you'll get better results, prayer also helps me with that. I ask God to help me know what to do and he tells me. He also helps me to calm down, and feel peaceful. I yell a lot less now with 4 kids than I did with 2 because I have had so much help from God. We were never supposed to do this alone. We can get help. Parenting classes can help too, or counseling, but I have found getting help from the direct source, through inspiration is the best way.

Amber - posted on 08/15/2012

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I know exactly how u feel! I go thru the same thing... I have 2 lil girls, 2 1/2 and 4 and I love them to death but they drive me crazy.. I get so depressed cuz theres so much to do and I can't do it myself, he helps if I fuss and yell and then we end up fighting and I hate that.. Dont think ur alone, ur not!

Rachel - posted on 08/15/2012

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I have to ask you one question. If he isn't playing an active father, husband or caregiver now, what makes you think that will change when you are married? If you can't throw all your crap into one pot and sort through it together marriage wont be anything but another thing on your to do list. Marriage is 2 people working together to make 1 super person. It isn't only love but also respect for one another. He loves you enough to tell you to sit down and relax but doesn't respect you enough to get up and help so that you are able to comfortably take a minute to sit and relax.
I have an enormous amount on my plate along with an 8yr old boy a 2 yr old girl and a 1 yr old boy. My husband manages a music store and works some long days. Sometimes he gets 2 days off but not usually. He comes home and I don't expect him to jump into me mode and start cleaning or cooking or doing homework, but what he does do is help me round up the kids, sits with them at the table while I finish their dinner helps me set them up and then relaxes until our dinner is ready. He helps me put them to bed only when I ask but if not he stays and cleans up the toys while Im upstairs going through bedtime routines. We then fall back together to relax. I normally have to get up at some point to switch laundry or start dishes but thats my list. The important thing is he pitches in so Im not running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
You are a good mother, what you need is a complete partner. Even then you will yell, and get frustrated and angry. Give it 20 yrs ;)

*Kathy* - posted on 08/14/2012

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By the sound of it u are a good mother, don't worry those are the perks of being a mommy... But if I were u I'd have at least one day to my self, find a babysitter, mom, mother-in-law, sister, friend?? And talk to ur baby daddy. He has to help out more. When he's watching tv or just being lazy I would just say hey, can u do me a favor? Can u do this and this? If he says no than I would really have a good talk with him... I'm not in ur situation, but I can imagin what it's like. I think that going to parenting classes would be a great idea, take ur soon to be hubby with you. They give great advise there. My Bestfriend was kind of in a situation as you, and going there has really helped her out. Also, they give you advise there about your little one with the attitude. Have faith, like I said ur a great mommy, have a day to ur self, and if you plans somehow might get changed because of ur kids, have the daddy handle it, he is the parent to...

Djice9054 - posted on 08/14/2012

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I am sorry about everything you are going threw. There is not much I can tell you is to ask him to help a little more around the house. I have a 4 year old as well and he doesn't get much attention like I would love to give him because I have a 1 year old and I am pregnant with twins, but when I can I sit down and watch t.v. with him, play cars, just a little things like that. When you get frustrated walk the room take a deep brealth. I understand how you feel I go threw it all the time too. Tell your Fiance' look I need a break, your going to worry i worry when I leave my husband with my kids, but you need that time away from the stress. I wish you luck. i know I am not much help but not sure what to tell you besides ask your Fiance' for more help. I was a single mom for 3 years and it was so hard. I thought I was going to lose my mind, as much as I love him I wanted him to just stop acting up. But when he huged me and said mommy I love you it took it all away. I am only 22 years old I had to learn how to walk away. If you ever need to talk you can message me.

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