me and my husband recently seperated should i let him see our son be born?

Teisha - posted on 09/12/2009 ( 116 moms have responded )

10

25

0

In hope of saving our marriage but not sure about the akwardness of him being there since we been seperated for 3months. really need some advice from all aspects

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

April - posted on 09/15/2009

1

29

0

I've been in a similar situation like you. When I had my first son I was no longer with the guy and wanted nothing to do with him. But I did let him in the room to watch the birth of his first child. I did have others in the room to comfort me and keep me calm it helped alot and I really didn't even notice he was in there. Just remember when your in labor all your going to think about is getting that baby out to make sure everything is ok. But you should definetly have him in there but also have some one else like a close friend or parent to ease your mind and keep you focused on that baby. Good Luck!

T_cjones108 - posted on 09/18/2009

340

50

60

as a kid that was raised not knowing my dad i would tell you that yes he should be there!!!!!! u both are going to be parents and both deserve the experiance! u both are adults and need to be loving caring parents to that beautiful baby!!! good luck!

[deleted account]

What do YOU want? Would you feel ok with him there? It is not just a matter of does he want to be there, you are the one that is giving birth. Like said you should not put too much hope on it that it will bring you back together but you should see it as a chance that he sees his child born which i think is something very special.

Deane - posted on 09/15/2009

10

12

1

of course u should. especially if he wants to be involved.....it may be hard on you but ure baby deserves to have that experience and so does his/her dad....the drama is between the two of you hun!! hope that helps a lil

Doralis - posted on 09/15/2009

11

31

1

Yes please let him see his son be born if he asked...that is a very touching moment and you never know how much he will appreciate it and what might happen after that. Maybe it will bring you guys closer, maybe he will realize what he has A FAMILY and that he needs to get it together so that he won't loose his family.

116 Comments

View replies by

Lisa - posted on 09/19/2009

73

24

9

well, I don't know your situation, but if you two can be civil and polite/ friendly with eachother...I would say let him be there. if he was a jackass and was hurting you or you kids emotionally/physically, then no. If you're having just couples' issues, it would be better for all of you to have him there. It will be a good way for him to remember that he has a commitment to this baby, and to you. you could also use the support. no one wants to go through all of that without anyone there, and who better than the person who put you in this position? It also helps to think of it this way - half the baby is his dna...we get to create the baby and will always have that closeness, but it isn't ours alone ( and thank goodness because it's a hard job to do with two adults!) he should love the baby as much as you do. i wish you luck! Talk to him about it and see what he wants.

Lindsey - posted on 09/19/2009

16

25

0

YES! If he wants to be there, he needs to be part of it just as much Good luck with everything.

Sandi - posted on 09/19/2009

13

25

0

If he wants to be in the room during the delivery then I say that you should allow him to be. He is the father and has a right to be there to see the birth of his son. The only time I would say for the father to not be in the room is if he wishes not to be there or if it's going to cause a stressful situation on the mother. I hope this helps and good luck!

Caronne - posted on 09/19/2009

24

6

1

I say most definitely let him be there. If you & him cant get it together that doesn't mean the children have to suffer. He is still their father & need him. While my husband & I were still engaged, we found out we were pregnant. Then things didn't work out & we separated. During that time I still had doctor appts & once was hospitalized for a fibroid. I thank him all the time for being by my side as a friend & concerned parent. I don't know how it would have been without his support. Now we are happily married........

Katie - posted on 09/19/2009

6

12

1

Having him be there won't save your marriage by act alone. That said, the birth of your child is an amazing thing, and if he wants to be there to see it you should by all means allow him to.

Kerri - posted on 09/19/2009

425

37

53

i think that you should let him in but then at the same time if you think its going to be stressful with him in there you dont want tot be stressed so you shouldnt have him in there!

Jamie - posted on 09/19/2009

40

12

0

id didn't allow the farther of my youngest to be there.it was so peaceful and easy.it's up to you. he's not really missing out,just b/c he doesn't get to be there during the birth.he has the child's whole life,to get to know him/her.

Hayden - posted on 09/19/2009

62

32

8

Well it's really up to you if you are trying to work on your marriage I'd think yes because that is a BIG thing and if you work everything out he might hold it against you but if it has been three months and it's not gettin better well they face reality call it quits..and move on with life...but still the choice is yours you really aren't gonna care who is in the room during labor ne way...

Chasity - posted on 09/19/2009

180

23

14

If he wants to be there then yes. Its not the babies fault for the seperation and the father and child have an importamt moment after birth where the bonding is crucial just like baby and mother. If he is all together a good person and he wants to be a good father then I say he has every right to be there....besides the birth of a baby can be a beautiful thing and your husband will be amazed that you went through all that to give him a beautiful son.

Satrina - posted on 09/19/2009

6

15

1

Yes, just because you sperated from your husband doesnt justify him not being able to see his child born. Thats like him saying my and my wife seperated should i take care of our child or let some one else do it..... (and men does do this) I mean he still is the dad, dont take that away from him. Sometime we have to learn how to seperate our emotions for ourselves and our children. Trust me I cant stand my 2yr old's dad but i have to be cordial because in the end it still is his dad..... I know this can be hard but you can do it...:D

Andrea - posted on 09/18/2009

1

27

0

sorry but if it will cause you to be up tight or stressed then no. giving birth is a beautful thing but its important to be calm. hope this helps some:)

Katherine - posted on 09/18/2009

7

45

1

a friend of mine had the same issue with her second in the end he could be at the hospital and see her after she was born but don during the labour she said it was a good decision for her but you have to make up your own mind good luck

Megan - posted on 09/18/2009

6

9

0

if he wants to be you should let him however your baby is his too, me and my sons father separated when i was 2 mo and still to this day we dont get along but he was there when his son was born: even though i coudlnt stand him it wouldn't have been right to not let him know when i was in labor or not let him decide to be there or not. even if you guys can't get along just remeber that it's not about you guys anymore it's about the little one. you will be ok if hes there believe me if i could after what him and his family did to me and put me through he had no right to me but that still wasnt my decision since forth it wasnt only my child. think about it is he gonna be in the babie's life? yes? if so do you want your baby asking you down the line why wasnt dad in the pictures why wasnt dad there, are you going to tell them because you didnt want him there because you guys had issues. thats harder then spending a day with him. besides when your in labor do you want to brake his hand or the one beside you rubbing your back?

Danielle - posted on 09/18/2009

1

18

0

of course beacuse if you guys end up staying together thats a moment that he can never get back plus u dont want him to hold that against u for the rest iof your life.......and its nice to have someone do all the work in the hospital and when you bring him home do you can get rested lol

Miranda - posted on 09/18/2009

83

23

2

If he wants to be there, I would let him be.

Although it may be awkward, you can never go back.

I was with my fiance for almost two years when I got pregnant, and we broke up during the pregnancy. Because I was mad at him, I refused to let him be in the room. Now, we're together and I get to hear about it all the time how he missed out on her first breaths. (first child for both of us) I regret it greatly. Just because the two of you can't figure out your problems right now, doesn't mean that he should miss out on the birth of something he created!!!

Just my honest opinion but depending on why you split, he might not deserve to be there.

AND if you're at all considering getting back together, I REALLY REALLY hope you'll let hiim come. Otherwise, you'll get to have the guilt trip thrown for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!

Kris - posted on 09/18/2009

40

7

3

If you still love each other why not try to work out things between you and him. For me even I'm separated with my kid's father I still give him the right to be father to them will never take aways that. As my kids needs to know their father as well.

Kiara - posted on 09/18/2009

12

6

0

Boys always need their father around. If u want to save ur marriage let him be there but only if he's gonna be supportive.

Ashley - posted on 09/18/2009

1

8

0

If there are reasons that make you feel completely uncomfortable about him being there, that is something to consider. During labor and delivery you need to have a calm and supportive environment. No more stress than labor already is!! But, if he wants to be in his son's life, as a real father figure, I think that it would be a good thing for him to be there at his birth.

Rachel - posted on 09/18/2009

15

29

0

i say for sure it is a big thing for him as well as you i remember when my husband and i had are first child and watching my husband cry for the first time it is a true bonding moment for the father as well as for the mother.

Ragen - posted on 09/18/2009

3

16

0

Personally, I think that is a situation you have to let your heart make, 1. Will it affect ur son when he is older knowing you would not let his dad in the room to see his grand entrance to the world. 2. Will you be emotionally ready to give birth while your ex stands there knowing how much it does or doesn't hurt being able to hold his hand and experience this with him spiritually. 3. Will this bring you guys closer in the long run. 4. Does he want to be there? There is so much to decide, but as a mother sometimes you have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it....I don't know what I would do in your situation just be sure this decision won't effect you in the labor room.... much luck

Selena - posted on 09/18/2009

18

12

2

i dont know why you seperated but unless he acts like he dont want nothing to do with the child i would definatly allow him to be present.... there is nothing in the world like seeing your child be born.... me and my husband were split up when i had my child we were seperated through most of the pregnancy then we got back together later... anyways point is i let him be present... my son is the only child he has ever wanted and he was just excstatic to be able to be there to see him born..... i think that it is important for every father to be there especially since they dont bond for 9 months like we do

Katie - posted on 09/18/2009

6

20

0

He is a part of the baby that you are carrying so most definitely he should be able to see the birth of your son! I would recommend having someone else in the room as well for the support that you need if you don't feel that your husband can give you what you need. Hopefully he can though. The separation is between you and him and should not affect the kids involved...he should still be able to be active in the lives of your children! Who knows it may just help you two with your marriage....having babies does some crazy things to people!

Ginny - posted on 09/18/2009

1

4

0

I believe you should let him be in the delivery room with you when you have your son. The bond between a father and son begins at birth. And if you still have doubt about having him in the room when you deliver or about reconciliation with him..... Take it to the Lord in Prayer.

Melissa - posted on 09/18/2009

64

4

5

He's still the father of the lil one. He should be there to welcome him into the world.

Crystal - posted on 09/18/2009

1

4

0

WOW YES MS ROSARI GONZALEZ TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH....BUT I SAY EVEN IF HE JUST WANTS TO BE THERE FOR THE BIRTH BUT NOT SURE IF HE WANTS TO BE A DAD I THINK U SHOULD STILL LET HIM CAUSE U NEVER KNOW WHERE HE WILL BE IN UR LIL ONES LIFE DOWN THE ROAD...TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!! AND HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT WITH HIM THAT HE WAS ABLE TO BE THERE AND THAT CAN WORK IN YOUR FAVOR ALSO :) AND WHEN UR LIL ONE GROWS OLDER YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SAY YES UR DAD WAS THERE AND WHATEVER THE OUT COME WITH UR LIL ONES RELATIONSSHIP W HIM WILL BE ON HIM

Denise - posted on 09/17/2009

1

5

0

For dad's bonding to their child is a different experience than it is for mom's. A dad needs to be physically "there" for his child to feel a part of it. I say that if you want your ex to be a part of the child's life usually what's best for the child) you should let him attend unless there is some reason that you or the child would be in harms way if he did. Let's face it, he has already seen that area and I am sure that the baby will be his primary interest. He does need to make that bond with his baby as soon as he can or he will feel as though he is already loosing something with baby. Not a good start for a dad that wants to be involved.
My ex and I get along so much better apart. We have a mutual agreement when it comes to our children and in the end it works out best for the kids as they don't have to deal with the mom said and dad said all the time. I have seen some kids go through such turmoil in their lives because of situations like mine and yours.

Rachael - posted on 09/17/2009

45

50

11

Absolutely! you say let So I assume he wants to be there? That will be the most important day of either of your's lives and it is unfair to the father and the baby to miss it just because you do not let him know. You never know what will come of your relationship once your child is born. Babies have a way of changing people.

Tammy - posted on 09/17/2009

20

17

3

i reackon u should let him as it such a wounderful thing 2 see your child been bored i dont reackon any parent should miss out on it

Sarah - posted on 09/17/2009

296

5

21

I think it depends. Does he upset you when he is present? The reason I'm asking it because you don't need any added frustration or anything. You need to be able to concentrate on haing the baby. If he wants to be there and you guys can get along for this experience that would be great.

Christina - posted on 09/17/2009

15

27

0

Just a quick note: If u r truly wanting 2 save ur marriage DON'T KEEP him FROM ur kids!!! Unless there is a question of safety, he needs 2 b welcomed into all aspects of ur kids' lives!!!

Candice - posted on 09/17/2009

2

26

0

yes because you should cause they baby may bring you guys closer not say a baby kepts a man but a real man only wants whats best for they child n thats a loving fam

Crystal - posted on 09/17/2009

5

21

0

me and my ex husband now were seperated a few months before i had my litte girl. I still to this day now married to a new man and have another child i do not regret letting him be there when our daughter was born. It is a very neat experience and even though are marriage did not work maybe him seeing his newborn child will help things.



Also, you do need support in the room during labor so I had my mom with me and that was the neatest thing for me and my mom to be there together and bond with my daughter when she was born

[deleted account]

i think he should be there. This is just a bumpy road... and All types of people make all types of mistakes. I believe watching something and being around something as beautiful as a child being born should be shared by both parents... The kids will get older ,and even if you are still seperated by then, they will ask "daddy what did u think when you first saw me?" tis a shame when he would have no reply. You don't have to like him right now, but if your tryng to save what you have the answer is not to keep him away from a wonderful breathtaking experiance like his son being born. I have a little girl and my husband melted when he saw her and his heart became more caring and sweet, that was15 months ago, then when our son was born 2 weeks ago, he couldn't believe his eyes that his legacy was right there before him and the manly things they would get to share just like his dad and him. In closing i will say that memories are all you have.

Good Luck
Hope this helps.
Peace Love and Happiness

Amanda - posted on 09/17/2009

4

17

0

There are a couple of things that I think you have to ask yourself. 1) Does he want to be there? 2) Will his being there put you in danger in any way? 3) Will you be able to concentrate on labor without arguing or getting upset? If you can answer these things and know that you will be fine, then ABSOLUTELY he should be there. Even if, for whatever reason, your marriage doesn't ultimately work out (not to say that it won't) the child the two of you made will be here forever. He is a piece of both of you and so long as it's safe for you, then you shouldn't, in any way, deny your husband the right to be there to see your son enter this world. It is such a beautiful moment that will only happen once in his life. I'm sure it will be hard for you, and that really sucks. I was with a friend of mine for the birth of her son. She and the baby's dad were not getting alone so she elected not to call him for the birth and it is something that she regrets even now, 2 1/2 years later.

Brittney - posted on 09/17/2009

7

18

0

i think u shuld let him b there it is his son too n unless he has put the baby in danger than he shuldnt loose the right 2 c his chil n especially the birth plus u have 2 keep the problems between u n ur ex between onli the two of u n leave the baby seperate i went thru a similar situation my husband n i went 2gether wen i was pregnant but hes was there for the birth he even cut the cord n it helped bring us 2gether

Denise - posted on 09/17/2009

8

23

0

I seperated from my childrens father after 7 years of marriage, and had he been around I would've let him see our last child be born. It isn't right for anyone to deny the other parent their natural right of being involved. Once you begin this pattern, it only causes more problems down the road. Besides, think of how you would feel if you were in his shoes and got denied that opportunity. I am assuming that the two of you want to remain civil for the remainder of this childs life, so that you can both be productive parts of his/her childhood. In that being said, always treat the other parent with the utmost respect, even if you dont think they deserve it. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by doing this. As a matter of fact, the ONLY time I would say that its okay to exclude another parent would be if they would pose a harm to you or the child...for example, if they were always drunk, a drug addict, or abusive.

Hannah - posted on 09/17/2009

2

24

0

I think you should at least give him the option to be there. After all, it is his baby too. The birth of a baby is a miracle within itself, so you should set aside all differences at least for that moment to take part in what God has given you. Hope everything works out :) God bless!

Stephanie - posted on 09/17/2009

21

7

2

I completely agree with Rosario's repsonse. In addition i hope you want to reconcile because you still love him. coming from a family where my parents only stayed together because of us kids, was more hurtful then helpful to us. we could tell when things weren't good between them. Never stay together because of children. You can be a better parent seperated/divorced then you can togther if things are bad in the partnership. Good Luck

Ellie - posted on 09/17/2009

1

14

0

I really think the more mature and adult mannered you should let your husband see your baby be born. No one should ever have to miss out on a birth, Aspecially when it is your own child... Set some boundaries and let him know what he can't do and say!

Andrea - posted on 09/17/2009

5

17

1

Although things have gotten rough between the both of you. He should still be able to see his child born its and experience worth being a part of. And i strongly feel the bond amongst the two of you may grow from it.

Destaynee - posted on 09/17/2009

5

6

0

Well Im not married.. nor have I been, but I beleive wether your together or not its still his son too and he should experience him being born. Especially if it's yall first child together. Also having him there during the birth may bring yall closer and make yall realize how much yall love each other and appreciate each other. I think its a good idea.. if not its worth the try!! Good luck!

Shayna - posted on 09/17/2009

30

19

8

Of course. It is his child to. Maybe if you aren't comfy with him in the room, have him in the waiting room until your baby is born. Im sure when the time comes though, you'll want him there.

Amanda - posted on 09/17/2009

120

14

8

you should let him be there dont punish your son for his dads mistake you will want him in his life

[deleted account]

i suppose it depends on why you seperated.. but keep in mind it is his child too. it is ultimatly up to you though

Alana - posted on 09/17/2009

37

41

0

i would only tell you,,,if he is going to make the situation less amazing...dont have him be there.

when i had my first son, his father chose not to be there...it broke my heart cuz i was all alone with just my mom and my best friend...but in the end...i think it would have just been awkward. we had been together for 5 years at this time.

i would tell you that its something maybe you and him need to talk about. dont let him in there unless ur happy with it!!!!! you might regret that!

Robin - posted on 09/17/2009

227

20

19

Quoting Teisha :

you mom's are such a big help for me and 80% of you guys vote to let him be there. He wants to be there but we been arguing and disagreeing a lot. Now i love him and want it to work but its a big struggle and kind of undecided about looking at him while in pain and he walked out on our family we already have a little girl and thats why i kind of feel this way like he abandoded us. And he tries to be supportive and i push him away cause of the issues.


But that is YOUR feeling of pain and hurt, has NOTHING to do with this baby being born, also NEVER express that feeling to your daughter, its not fair to the dad, or to her to put your own feelings on her, if she has expressed that on her own fine,



But as I have witnessed in my life there are two sides to every coin, and he didnt walk out on his kids, BOTH of you split up, only one parent gets the kids, that is not fair for you to say HE walked out, unless he is not visting with his daughter or has no interest in her or her life. If my step daughters mom ever said that about my hubby I would be furious, because he only gets her everyother week end, and he for 7 years drove like 50 or 75 miles or something like that to come get his daughter, and always makes sure he pays his child support FOR HER SAKE not his ex, and any time he can have her extra he is right there.



The point is he doesnt want anything to do with his ex BUT HE IS A GREAT DAD, I always said if something happened between us (because there have been some VERY close calls) that I would never keep him from seeing his son or this new baby comming, I would try to arange a parenting plan that gave us 50/50 custody and time with the kids, and not have either one pay child support, because that is just a drain on one or the other.

Robin - posted on 09/17/2009

227

20

19

OF COURSE, I know from being part of a mixed family it can be awkward, but its not about YOU AND HIM, now its about THE BABY, its his baby too, and I think he has the right to see HIS SON being born, sorry I dont mean for this to come accross mean or anything Im just trying to make a couple points, but this isnt about you and him anymore, this baby needs the love and support of BOTH of his parents, When your son is older and looks at pictures of his birth, and asks why his daddy wasnt there are you ready to explain that YOU didnt want him there, and the possible anger that your son may feel, because he SHOULD NEVER feel torn between his parents, I have seen this happen with my nephew, its not fair for one parent to make the other look bad, and its the childs right to love both of his parents equally, with out a guilt trip,



what if your parents were split and they tried to turn you against one another, Im sorry but I would cry all the time, because its not my fight. Its not the dads fault that he is not the one able to carry his child and give birth, but if it was the other way around, ask yourself WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TOLD YOU CANT SEE YOUR CHILD BEING BORN? NO, I bet you would fight like hell to be able to be there, set your differences and pain aside and make it about THE BABY.



I hope this helps, I have learned that my hubby is very kind to his ex for the sake of his daughter, and part of the agreement is that neither parent is allowed to bad mouth the other one, I know this may sound harsh but if you dont let him there to see HIS son being born I think its selfish and taking away from what your son needs which is BOTH parents.





Im sorry even though Im a mom myself, I think its very sad that dads dont seem to have ANY rights to THEIR child, PLEASE THIS NEXT COMMENT IS NOT TO START A DEBATE BUT TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT FATHERLY RIGHTS,



If a mom wanted to have an abortion, the father gets no say in whether HIS child lives or not, my hubby was the obviously better choice for his daughter, he had a stable home of several years and a stable job and his ex, had no job and living off welfare, she has now been married FOUR times and has 2 kids from 2 different dads, and lives off child support and welfare, if she lived with us, not only would she have a stable home but it wouldnt be a drain on our economy, because WE would support her NOT THE STATE.



Sorry I kinda got on a soap box

Carmen - posted on 09/17/2009

1

18

0

I say yes, as hard as it is now (for you).... from the moment your child is born, it's not about the two of you anymore, it's about your child. If your X wants to be there, then it is best for your unborn to let him be there. It's not easy to have that frame of mind, but whatever has happened in your relationship, your child has nothing to do with the outcome. Hope this helps and good luck!!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms