Mother in Law ALWAYS muscling in!

Hayley - posted on 08/26/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Hi. We are a new family in the sense that my daughter from a previous relationship is 11, and my partner and I have only been together for 2 years. He is new to relationships - being 41 and never being in one. And obviously children in the dynamic. The problem is his MOTHER. She tries to tell us how to raise my child (we are not living together yet), expects us all there every Sunday for breakfast at 7:30am (she lives 20 minutes away) and she is FOREVER butting into events we plan for just us. The final straw is I have planned a weekend away for just him and I to another city about 6 hours away. My daughter is with her biological father for that weekend, and I have planned the whole weekend with his brother and sister in law who live in that city. I am driving and paying all expenses and she announces she is coming along to see the family too. They will be here for the school vacation 2 weeks before that, so it is not like she is not going to see them. We tried to suggest at lunch yesterday that she flies up, and she is adamant that she is coming with us. Not only that, she phones the sister in law and tells her that WE asked her to come with us to babysit THEIR kids!! There is no space and I have spent the evening looking at Hotels for us to stay in, but this ads substantially to our costs for our trip. I really do not know how to tell her to back off, and that she is not coming with!!!!

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Kaytee - posted on 08/27/2013

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He needs to deal with his mother...and if he doesn't you need to run like hell

Michelle - posted on 08/26/2013

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I agree with Firebird. Also in the future don't tell her when you plan things.
You could even tell her you are leaving at a certain time but really leave an hour earlier.

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Rachele - posted on 09/04/2013

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I think you should simply tell her that it is meant to be a romantic adventure away for your partner and yourself, period. If she wants to go, let her know you can give her a drive up, but after that she has to find some place for her to stay, and that she will be chipping in for gas for the drive as well. Make sure she understands the time you and your partner are there is for romance and adventure, not to spend time with her every moment. If you are daring enough, mention the intimacy that is meant to happen between her son and yourself, which was why you didn't originally want to invite her along. Say you would love to go another weekend, just her and you, and do some shopping in a nearby city perhaps, so that you 2 girls can have some fun yourself. Whatever you do, don't just be her doormat.

Jasmine - posted on 09/01/2013

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My dear,
Sounds to me that you are very blessed to have a mother in law that actually cares about you and your family, and wants to be involved in your lives. There are so many women out there that have hard, rough relationships with their MIL.(Which affects, to some extent, the relationships with their husbands) They wish that they could hear from them or even see them be more involved with the kids. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not easy trying to tell someone, especially your mother in law, that you would just like it to be your little get together. My advice, since your looking for advice is, don't sweat the small stuff. Weigh things out, is it really a big dea that shes therel? like really? if it is, then get your husband to tell her. Its his mum after all. another suggestion is that she could stay with your sister in law! bottom line is, everything in life will have its ups and downs. We should always choose to look at the positives and weigh things out. Consider yourself very blessed to have a mother in law that cares! yeh, she may be over bearing, so what! appreciate her and maybe that will open doors where you could have a heart to heart with her and tell her how your feeling. work on relationships, life is too short to be bickering about the small stuff. believe me, your husband will appreciate it very much. It's his mum after all and he does care for her as well. Dont try and shake something that doesn't need to be shaken girl! Remember, one day your going to be a mother in law as well and that baby girl of yours will always be your baby girl, age and time will never change that. You are going to want to see her and her family as well. So. Put yourself in your mother in laws shoes! She might be lonely and just wants to feel like she is part of the family and the events. Give her a hug and thank her for her efforts of keeping relationships. Go and have fun, don't let something small affect your weekend!

Rita - posted on 08/30/2013

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I agree with Michelle. Try not to tell her things, don't say anything more than is necessary. But also you got to get your hubby on your side. Being 2 years into the relationship, he may chalk up your feelings to new marriage adjustment but be adamant that this is affecting your happiness/family. For people who have problems with boundaries - your MIL - the closer you live, the easier it is for that person to bug you b/c they're always within driving distance.

Kaylea - posted on 08/29/2013

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I have the exact same problem with my mother in law. Everything you have mention she has done plus worse !! And it sucks to say but it'll never change. She'll always see her boy as her baby and there will be no way after 40 years of being the only woman in his life to now depend on someone else to make him happy and do all the things she did for him. The only way for it to stop is for you partner to put his foot down. If you say something like I have in the last it'll only cause tension and if she is anything like my mil she will try to turn your partner against you.
I hope you can get it all sorted out and live a life with your own family without her butting in.. Looking forward to hear how it all goes. Good luck :)

Firebird - posted on 08/26/2013

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Just put you foot down and tell her plainly and politely that she is not going with you and the matter is not up for discussion.

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