Mothers of only children?

Ryan - posted on 01/22/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of an only child. I love him dearly and he is an amazing kid, but I'm not sure I want more children. Any thoughts??

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Ann - posted on 09/19/2010

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Hi,
Having an only child (or as I prefer to say, "single" child) has been an incredible experience for my husband and me. As a mother though it means that it is much harder having one than it is having two, three, four or more children. It means you are responsible to be your child's playmate when no one else is around. It means that when you go on vacation you always invite a friend along so they will have someone their age to play with or as a teenager, to hang out with. It means holding on loosely is harder (since he/she is the only one you have) and it also means that when it's time to let go it is much more difficult than it is for mothers of multiple children. It also means that you try and not feel guilty that you couldn't or chose not to give your single child siblings since the day will come when your child will not have a sibling to share happy times as well as sad times with. But it also means that you gave birth to the most incredible human being ever known to you and you have an incredibly special bond that a mother of multiple children will never know. I know all this since I am the mother of an magnificant young man that is now a senior in college. I have given much thought on this topic over the years so I was thrilled to see this post and so honored to be able to write about it from my perspective. I hope it helps some other mothers out there of single children. I am so blessed to have my son. I thank God everyday for him

April - posted on 01/08/2011

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Speaking as an only child myself, I'll tell you that growing up without siblings was difficult for me. I spent nearly all my time alone or with adults, and it made school hard for because I didn't interact well with my age group. Now, I'm not saying your son will have the same experience if he's an only child. My thoughts? Go along with what life throws your way. If you have more, so be it. If you don't, I suggest finding a play group of some sort so that your son knows how to interact with his peers productively.

[deleted account]

I'm surprised no one has brought up how expensive children are. I live in california, I have a 3 yo son who I adore. i want another child. I work, so does my husband, we have ok jobs, but we are living paycheck to paycheck. not because we are frivoulus but because that is how life is. we have to have help paying for PART TIME daycare from family because I had to take a huge paycut. we can not afford another child. If we have one we could lose our house... is it worth that?
I also grew up an only child for 13 years of my life, before my sister came along. Yes it was lonely sometimes, but in the end both of us felt like only children because of the age gap.

While I understand where everyone is coming from, I have to be realistic... unless by some miracle someone can give me enough money there is no way I can afford to put another child through daycare, and quitting my job is not an option...

Elfrieda - posted on 01/10/2011

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I've never heard anyone say that someone with only one child is not a "real mom". What a terrible thing to say!



My son was really hard on us for the first 6 months of his life. This made my husband and me consider having only one, since neither of us want to ever go through that again, even though both of us wanted at least 3 before he was born! Now that he's 13 months, it's easier to imagine, also babies are different so the next time might not be so horrible.



I had one sister growing up, and we were close then and now. Even so, I always wished for more siblings! It felt lonely that there were only two of us. And if one of us died, the one who was left would be the only one like her, if that makes sense. It really scared me when I was younger, and kind of still does. I have piles of cousins, and I'm really close to about 9 of them. Cousins are great because they're like friends who HAVE to love you, haha, but there's nothing like someone who grew up in the same family. I want to have 3 or 4 so that they will have company, either born to me or adopted.



My husband is on the other side. He has seven siblings! That was too many kids for his parents to really pay attention to him as a person, but his family is so close and take care of each other. Six out of the eight all live quite near each other. Family gatherings are awesome! My son is grandchild number 10 out of 12, and I'm so glad that he will have lots of cousins on my husband's side. My parents dote on their only grandbaby, and my sister on her nephew, but I think it's not good for him to be the centre of so much attention.



That's my reason for wanting more than one, and actually more than two. But you need to do what you and your husband think is right. One of my cousins always said she didn't want children, but got pregnant by accident. Now she has a very smart 4yearold daughter, who is a really great child. Her parents are very pleased with her, but will certainly not be having more. And I think she will be fine. There are upsides and downsides to every decision, and when you make yours, don't let people make you feel bad about it.

Jacquie - posted on 01/08/2011

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When I got pregnant I said one and done and I meant it. Now that my son is 3 months old I really mean it. While I love the little clothes and I worry about his social health I know that whats best for my family is to only have 1 child. I respect others decisions to have more than 1 but I am happy with my 1. I get a lot of flack from people saying I'll want more or my kid will be a brat or I am not a real mom and blah blah blah but I don't care what others think. I am a good mom and I know that so it doesn't matter what others think.

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Robyn - posted on 01/10/2011

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Do you know anyone who is an only child, other than your child? I would ask them as well. I have one daughter who was born Feb. 2010 and I know that I need to have another. My father was an only child and hated it. Of course he was spoiled, and still acts that way to date actually. haha But he felt it to be pretty lonely growing up, even with having friends. I have 1 brother and 1 sister, and not only learned a lot from them, but also always had someone to talk to if I couldn't talk to friends, or my parents and we will be friends for life. I think at least 1 sibling is very important for your child. So my husband and I are mostly going to try and conceive another baby, for our daughter and for us... it was such an amazing experience with her- so we are very excited to go through it all again!! My opinion is definitely, yes! :)

Alecia - posted on 01/10/2011

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I have always wanted 2 kids and now that i have my daughter id like to have 3 :p loving my daughter so much makes me want more kids. that way i dont smother my one daughter with all my love!! i dont fear that i will love my daughter less or my other child(ren) less than she. she is 16 mnths old and i hope to be or become pregnant and have a baby this year. but if u feel one is good for u than go for that. i dnt judge anyone for having one kid or no kids, but like Jennifer said, if u have one kid and something happens to u then they have to bear that burden on their own. i have comfort in knowing my brother is there if i need him and vice versa....just a thought

Stifler's - posted on 01/08/2011

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I didn't want any more. But I am pregnant again. It's not a crime to only have one!

[deleted account]

i only have one boy and he just turned two. i have considered having another baby but i fear that i will not have the time for my first born or the room in my heart for another. i am a very hands on mum and would wear myself thin trying to make them all feel equal so for now i am chosing to wait til he is in kindy or school before i have another one, i figure that would be easiest for me.

April - posted on 01/08/2011

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Wow, Christina. My mother had 6 after she had me (she was 35 when I was born, which was a contributing factor). I would have loved a sibling myself but I don't believe I ever asked for one. Lol.

Christina - posted on 01/08/2011

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Coming from being an only child myself, the older I got the more I wanted a sibling. It came to a point where all I asked for christmas was a brother or sister. Unfortunately my mom had 9 miscarriages and was unable to have any more. It's always fun to have a little companion :)

[deleted account]

I realize this was posted quite awhile ago, but wanted to chime in. I am a mother of four children, but I was raised as an "only child" and although it was fine, I have always dreamed of having a sibling. I really feel alone at times...especially when I'm at family functions with my husband and his family. Although, I have to say, it was nice to not have to worry about sharing my stuff. I was a kind child and I was very well-behaved. I could converse with adults and I preferred visiting the adults over playing with my cousins when we visited family...I felt more comfortable. Yes, I had plenty of friends, but now having children of my own, I am seeing what I missed out on. When my parents get older, it will be my responsibility to care for them as I have no siblings to share the responsibility. My parents divorced the year I got married...I had nobody to talk to who was going through it too. A loss of a parent will be my loss...just me. Although it's a parent's decision alone, and this may be too blunt for some, but...having only one child is a selfish decision. You are putting your child at a disadvantage...I know...I live with that decision every day.

Gabrielle - posted on 09/19/2010

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i feel exactly the same way. I only had my daughter 11 months ago, but i dont think i will be having anymore children. I have an older sister who has 3 kids, a brother who has 1 child and my partner has 2 young brothers so she will not be alone x

[deleted account]

The thing is if something happened to your child (God forbid) having another child would not take away from your pain.  If you are happy with only having one child you really shouldn't have another child.  There is no reason to have another child if you don't want to.  I know many only children and they are happy.  It sounds like you are truly happy with having only one child. 

Sarah - posted on 01/29/2009

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My baby is 16 months and My boyfriend and I have decided not to have anymore at least for a long I am just afraid that it would be unfair to her to have another one right now. But when she is like 10 or 11 I might want another one.

Trudy - posted on 01/29/2009

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I asked the question of a friend not too long ago who has 3 children "how can you love any other child when you love the one you have sooo much?", I too couldn't imagine having another child that I would love as much as the first.  Her answer was "you just do".  I guess you could ask yourself..."How can you not love a child?  If that makes any sense...LOL it did in my head! Anyways, my husband and I have talked about it too, we have one child who we absolutely adore.  Our decision to have another will depend on whether we feel we can devote equal time to each child. 

Brandis - posted on 01/29/2009

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i feel that way too. i kinda want another one. but i fear that i will be more attached to a new baby than i would to my son who i just absolutely love.

Brandis - posted on 01/29/2009

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i feel that way too. i kinda want another one. but i fear that i will be more attached to a new baby than i would to my son who i just absolutely love.

Ryan - posted on 01/29/2009

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These are all really helpful posts. Thank you! I guess I keep thinking that someday he will be the only child left to deal with taking care of my husband if we need it. Plus, what if, God forbid, something should ever happen to our only child? These thoughts drive me a little crazy...

Emily - posted on 01/22/2009

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My husband and I talk about this issue a lot. When I was pregnant peolpe would always ask how many kids we wanted and the answer was 2-3. Now that our son is here (now he is one) it is really hard to imagine another one , at least anytime soon. For now we have decided to enjoy him and give him our time, and maybe in the near or far future we will have another one. I always thought I wanted a bunch of kids, but now I realize that one is good, at least for now. The main reason I think I really want another one is so my son has someone to grow up with. I have many family/friends that are only children and they all say "don't do it to you child, they need someone to grow up with", and I do agree with that, because I could not imagine life without my sisters. And lots of other moms I talk to say what Jillian said, that it is scary at first and you can't imagine how to spread the love, but once that second baby is there it is as natural to love as the first one was!

Amy - posted on 01/22/2009

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Hi Ryan-  I am the mother of an only child and I am happy with our decision.  I loved being pregnant and miss the tiny clothes and all of that, but my husband and I have both talked about our vision for the rest of our lives and we both agreed that one perfect little boy was enough for us.  We have had to shake a lot a criticism off our shoulders regarding our decision. "He will be a spoiled brat" "Your not a real parent until you've had 2 kids" .  I would die for my son, I stay up with him all night when he is sick, I live to see him smile and learn new things and I am just as much a parent as anyone else.  We also work very hard to ensure that he never feels entitled to anything he is given and he is a very kind and giving child.  Make sure that you give him plenty of time to learn to be social, I find that that is the only advantage that kids my sons age with siblings have.  My son lives in a world of adult manners, where everyone takes turns and shares, kids with siblings already know that that is not how things work for kids and they know how to get what they want.  My son struggles with that and sometimes won't get a chance to join in because he just waits for his turn until the game is finished.  The more he is exposed to free play with children the more he learns he has to go for what he wants.



 Whatever you decide, make sure it's right for you and your family, no one knows better  what's right for your life than you.  Good Luck.

Sarah - posted on 01/22/2009

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You should only do what your heart tells you to do. But keep in mind that close friends and family are important and as he grows he will relish those close to him.

I'm a single mother of a six year old boy and I do not know if he will always be a single child or not. But I go out of my way to do playdates, and activities so he doesn't feel so isolated. =)

Jillian - posted on 01/22/2009

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Hi there,



When I had my daughter I thought this is it we dont need anymore children. I didnt think if I had another child I could love it just as much as my first born. It became sort of a fear of mine. Well 5 months after my daughter was born I got pregnant not a planned pregnancy either. I cried and cried because I was so upset that my daughter was going to feel left out. My sone is now 10 months old and my daughter is two. I couldnt imagine my life with out either of them. The love is different with each one. Not more I do not love one more than the other but the love is different I really can not put words to it. If you are considering or thinking about more I would definately go for it. My two children get a long great and I know they will be best friends forever.



Jillian :)

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