My baby's father and I aren't together. Would bringing other men around my son be wrong?

Dianna - posted on 09/15/2009 ( 52 moms have responded )

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My son is only 16 months old right now, but he already recognizes people and knows whether or not he likes them. His father and I get along great and are very close friends, but aren't together, even though we spend some time together. I'm dating, but am afraid to bring these men around my son if things were ever to get serious, in fears of confusing him and whatnot. Am I being irrational?

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Alyssia - posted on 09/22/2009

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Irrational to consider the damage that could be done to him, not at all. As a legal professional in Family Law I have seen varying degrees of this situation and you never know a person completely...so to assume that a person is going to stick around is never a good thing. Dating when you are a single mom is the LAST thing you need to be concerned with. Raising your child and setting a good example for him as a respectable woman is your number one priority. In your down time without him, go out and be you. Meet people, party and have fun...leave it at that for now. One step at a time. =) Good Luck hun, you are already on the right track by being concerned with doing the right thing!!! Good for you!

Yaya - posted on 09/15/2009

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No you are not being irrational, you are thinking like a mother..Remember you are suppose to have a life but if you are just dating do not bring men around your son, however if you find that someone special that is trustworthy and family oriented you can gradually introduce him to your precious son....Always promote stability for yourself and advise your friends that you prefer not introduce your son to a person who is not going to be a permanent part of his life.

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You're being smart, girl! I have seen so many friends go through this. Even if you get serious with someone, still best to not integrate them into your family life because who know what might happen in a month, a year... and then your son will have a hrash lsesson to learn about people leaving his life and not understand why.

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2009

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I became single when my daughter was just 1yr of age... I started dating not too long after, but did not introduce the man to my daughter until I knew he was going to stick around. I, like you, didnt want men coming in and out of her life.

So, i got a baby sitter for when I had dates, and didnt have the man in my home until I was comfortable.



Worked out great, as we have been together 2yrs now, and are expecting a baby of our own!

Charee - posted on 09/21/2009

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Not at all. My husband is not my daughter's birth father. We met when she was about the same age. The only advice I can give is, be sure you are serious about this person and he feels the same about you. Once a child gets attached to a person its hard to explain to them where they went. He might only be 16 months old but he knows. Make sure you are happy. Thats the most important thing. =)

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Elizabeth - posted on 09/22/2009

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i understand ur worry on him meeting any of ur future bf..but i agree w them as i wouldnt..i only let my daughter meet my male friends if i have no intentions w them cuz i dont want her to learn love growin up as havin multiple men..i want her 2 have a great idea of wat a relationship is..& she comes before any man so i tend to bail out on a date or something if there is no1 to watch her

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2009

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I wouldnt let anyone that you are dating around your child at first. I think you need to get to know this person, his past his issues before you introduce your child to them.. I am still with my babies father, but if we were ever to split, I would make sure that she knows who her daddy is.. I would have pictures of him in HER bedroom for her to look at. If and When I let somebody meet my daughter. I would make sure that she still knows who her daddy is and that this person can just be her friend. Again I say talk to your children... my daughter is only 14 months old, and though she cant tell me with words that she understands everything that i am saying to her I know that she still understands me.. Communication is the main thing. trust me your child can understand you.. But I Would let whoever it is that you are dating know that you have a child and be honest say you arent comfortable letting them meet at first until you get to know him better.. Make your child number one in a relationship. AND IF YOUR CHILD DOES NOT LIKE WHOEVER YOU ARE DATING DONT FORCE THEM TO BE AROUND EACH OTHER. Watch your childs body language around the person.. listen to your child if they are telling you that they do not like this person. i've seen dangerous things happen to children when it comes to dating people...

Kimberly - posted on 09/22/2009

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yes i do keep them away from him intill you really know them and give it time because when you first meet people you dont know there true color right away ..

Brownsugar - posted on 09/22/2009

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i understand what u r saying none of the guys ur dating have to see ur son unless ur ready to get serious with someone u right u dont want to confuse ur baby boy because they do pick on things very quick so choose wisely and be careful with ur decision

Rebecca - posted on 09/21/2009

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I am going through that now. We recently split up and all I can say to you is what I'm going to do. I will date but I most definitely wont have him meet my son til I know it's getting serious. It would be wrong to continuously confuse him with people he might not ever meet again. Especially if he got attached to them.

Stephanie - posted on 09/21/2009

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my 2 oldest sons have a different father to my youngest i think the only time your son should see another man is when you have decided that you want to have a relationship with him

Jackie - posted on 09/21/2009

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NO, you're not being irrational. I had 2 children when I first met my husband and it was months before he met them. You have to put your kids first. If the men you are dating aren't willing to wait to meet your son, then they are not worth your time. IMO

Robin - posted on 09/21/2009

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IMO I dont think you should unless you have been with the person for quite some time and plan on getting married, I say this because I think my step daughter is really having a hard time because her mom just got married for the fourth time, and that will send VERY mixed up messages to her,

Im not saying dont go on dates, but do it away from your son, unless you know for a fact that you will be together for a long time, after my hubby and his ex divorced, he didnt date for four years, one because he was still hurting, but the other reason is he didnt want his daughter to see him with a different woman every other week, I was the first one he dated then married since his wife has left.

When I hear of moms/dads bringing around lots of other men/women it makes me sad for the child, its very confusing for them, your child should know YOU as mom and his DAD as DAD, they also get easily attatched emotionally and are torn and feel hurt when they dont see them anymore if you guys dont work out. In their mind they cant put it together and then think that it was their fault they are gone or something is wrong with them that they didnt love him enough to want to stay.

Gabrielle - posted on 09/21/2009

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First of all I think it's good that you and his father have a good relationship. If he's a strong presence in your son's life then I don't think there will be any confusion. As far as bringing men around him, just use your good judgment. If you think the guy is a good person and you want your son to meet him then that's ok. Just give yourself time before you introduce someone. You're not being irrational - you just want the best for you son. :)

Leslie - posted on 09/21/2009

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I applaud the consideration that you are giving this matter, it says a lot about your sense as a mother. It is extremely important not to bring guys around your little one until you are 90% sure you want to spend a very long time with them. (For me that means marriage, but I know that not everyone does that anymore.) I am married, but I've watched a family member be quite careless in this department and her son is 3, so you know he sees what's going on! The consequences are HUGE when you allow a guy to be in your child's life when you aren't sure where the relationship is going. It's true that you can't be completely sure about someone until you see how they interact with your child, but I would take things gradually for sure. Do some casual get-togethers at a reasonably spaced rate. This gives everyone time to think about things between interactions and talk about them and any issues that might come up, but most importantly it protects you little one from getting too attached too fast.

Jessica - posted on 09/20/2009

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i was a single mom before i met my husband he is not my first sons father.. keep the guys u date away until you decide to get serious with them kids do get confused easily.

Betty - posted on 09/20/2009

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If you meet someone who you feel is going to be around long term than it should be fine for your son to meet him.
Since you are good friends with his father maybe you should talk to him about it and see how he feels about it. You don't want to damage the relationship the two of you have because it will make thing very hard for you.
Ask anyone who is divorced with children and you normally hear terrible things. I'm a step mom and my husbands ex does not get along with him anymore. He has to go to court constantly and it sucks.

Gracie - posted on 09/20/2009

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Just my opinion, but, me personally, I would not bring other guys around my son unless the guy was serious and we have been dating for a while. You don't want your child to see with different guys all the time. Its not a good example for your son. And besides, you don't want your child to become "attached" to someone and then the two of you split up. It will not only hurt you, but your child too!

Amanda - posted on 09/20/2009

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Quoting priscilla:

i wouldnt bring home a diff guy everyday or have men spend tha night.. but as far as you bein serious wit somebody yes youre gonna have to bring them aroun your son bcuz if tha man dont like your son an vice versa it wouldnt be a good idea to get too serious wit that man.. jus introduce him as mommies friend an dont be like makin out or nothin in front of your baby also make sure tha dad knows because you dont want him to jus finf out from someone or on his own 


I completely agree, i was a single mother, and hesitated to bring guys around my children until i knew he was someone that i wouldnt mind getting serious with, but how he interacts with your son is very very important and speaking from experience can be a deal breaker. Try meeting at the park or somewhere that he can play that is less personal at first and see how they get along. And remember we are all Mothers, but we are women too, and wanting to date or finding a sitter is ok dont feel guilty, and also talk to the babies father, just to let him know that you found someone that you want to let your son meet so he has a heads up, after all you would feel better if he did the same for you. Good luck and have fun.


 

Sheretta - posted on 09/20/2009

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I believe most single mothers are stuck in this predicament. You want to live your life, but at this point your life is your child's life. Many times I have felt bad for wanting to go out or have a day to myself, but truth is you have to have a break and live life in order to be fully functional for your child. Breaks are a must and social gatherings with people other than play groups and family, your age, is a good thing as well. I believe everyone on this thread has the same idea; do not bring everyone you meet around your child, and if you and the other person become involved on a serious level, you trust him, and your child knows the distinction between biological dad and mom's friend it's fine. Me myself, I made a vow to dedicate myself to my son, and I think it's more of the unknown and a fear of something new in my life....I haven't dated since he was born. Many of my male friends always talk about their mothers who brought these different men around like revolving doors and I REFUSE to do that. I don't even let guy friends or anything touch him because I feel his dad does a good job and I respect him.

Crystal - posted on 09/20/2009

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Meeting people is never the problem, as a single mom dating i find the confusion comes in when the child sees the affection between his/her mother when it isn't the childs father. I am dealing with the obsticale myself right now. My daughter instists on calling my boyfriend daddy, he doesn't have a problem with it but until it's hard to let that happen. keep your chin up it gets easier.

Rachel - posted on 09/19/2009

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Dr. Phil says date 6 months before you let your child meet a significant other.

Khalilah - posted on 09/19/2009

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you should only bring around the one man that is going to be there, weather its a relationship or remaining good friends after a break-up. no matter how young your child is he/she should not be part of your relationship unless its real...

Chasity - posted on 09/19/2009

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I think that as long you are serious and exclusive with someone it is fine. Just don't bring several guys around you dont want him to get close to someone and then have that person just one day disappear (if things dont work out).

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Personally, I would discourage it unless you and the man are very serious. My older brother is 12 years older than I, and when I was 6 and he was 18 he met a girl and started bringing her around a lot. I got really attached to her, and when they split I was hurt and confsued about why she didn't want to see me anymore just because they weren't together. My brother never brought another woman home until they had decided to get married. It's not fair to do that to your son-to let him get attached to people and then pull them out from under him when things go sour. I realize that your son is a big part of your life, and if someone is with you then they need to be willing and able to love, protect, and help out with him, but right now he's far too young to understand why he never sees someone again, so it might be best just to keep any men you date away from your sun until or unless things are serious enough for you to think this man will be there permanently.

Allison - posted on 09/18/2009

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Trust your gut, I was a single mom for 5 1/2 years. I dated one guy for 2 years and she got attachted to him, another guy for a year and then after that my husband I didn't introduce to her until I knew that this was a forever thing. We are expecting our second together and she is thrilled. And she calls him dad, it took some time, but hey I'm far from perfect. You have trust your gut and do what best for you and your son. If he sees his dad on a regular basis and he knows who he is. There's not much to fear knowing that you have a friend.

Miranda - posted on 09/18/2009

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You're not being irrational at all! I agree with Talena, make sure you trust him completely and treat the guy as your friend around your son at first. Don't kiss and cuddle too much or he might get confused. Maybe when you go on a date, have the guy come over fifteen minutes before you're wanting to leave and play with your son. Then, go. That way, you get a chance to see how they interact. If your son doesn't like him, he's probably not good for you either! Good luck!

Talena - posted on 09/18/2009

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No, I don't think you are being irrational. I was in your place with my first child. I waited until I was sure I could trust the guy before I took him to meet my son. They one that met him I married. Just remeber being a mom comes first. If the guy can't understand that then he is not the right guy! Good Luck!

Mellody - posted on 09/18/2009

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Your not thinking irrationally. !!



I think that it would be hard to have many different men around your son, but only if you act as though each new guy is your son’s new father. I wouldnt suggest bringing every man you meet around you son but...I don’t think there is anything wrong with introducing a man you are dating to your son.- As long as its not a fling or one night stand.

Because if your getting serious with the man you need to know that your son is comfortable around him, and that your comfortable with having this new guy around your son. Just keep in mind that you don’t want to confuse your little boy into thinking that every new guy is going to be you sons father.

Also remember until your son is older, and understand what a father is, he probably wont know the difference.

I’m not with my daughter’s father, I don’t talk to him at all, and he’s never met her. She doesn’t know what a father is. I’m not dating or seeing anyone is any way. But I have many friends who are guys that are around her all the time. I don’t think she's confused or believes that each one is her father. To her they're just some one else to play with.



My advise would be to let your son meet your friends and anyone you might bring around him on a regular basis, as long as you trust the person and know that they will be around long enough to let your boy become emotionally attached.

Don’t be afraid to let a man who you are friends with; be around your son either. If he is your friend, you just have to explain to your son that hes not his father. So that he is not confused. Because its good for children to be around men who will be positive role models. They might not be a real father but a man who is your best friend can provide that “father figure” that your child will want or need.

Lacey - posted on 09/18/2009

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I dont think so. I think SEVERAL men around your son would be a bad idea. But one that you trust and your ex has met and likes would be just fine. I'm a single mom of 4 and 3 are girls. I dont have every guy I date meet my kids. I dont want them to worry or think that guys come and go. I want a stable man around them to show them how good men act and I want the same for my son. Not all men are good men. It's a hard thing to decide. Ultimately, you need to decide whats best for you and your son. If you get a bad feeling from one then you dont want him around him. I hope you find "the one" and gain some peace in your search. Good luck

Stacey - posted on 09/18/2009

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I dont think your being irrational at all, your a mother and your concerned for one. I was in the same situation 5 yrs ago with my hubby now. I had a 18 month old daughter from a previous relationship but I did not introduce her to the guy for quite a while and it all worked out anyways because we have been married now for 5 yrs but I was also concerned about confusing her and such. So I think that if you trust the guy and know that its going to last then no problems.

Rachel - posted on 09/18/2009

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i think you should wait to see if it's going to be serious or not cause you don't want to bring another man in and your son get attached to him and them him leave.because your son will be wondering where this person is

Lavine - posted on 09/18/2009

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I read Steve Harvey's book, Act like a lady think like a man, and he made a very good point. You should allow your kids to meet your potential guy friends because if the kids don't like him that is a good indication that you shouldn't proceed. if u like someone, and think it is a good idea, do it! The worst thing that could happen is the kid doesn't like him and u move on....You r a package and they also need to know what they r getting involved wit as well.

Alysha - posted on 09/18/2009

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I am also a single mom, and do not let any men around my son (who's 10 months old) until 1 i know for a fact i can trust them and 2 i know that they'll be around for a while. yeah sure he's met a couple of my long-time guy friends, but he has yet to meet any guys that I've gone on dates with...this is however your own choice...but seeing how your child is over a year and already recognizing people, i would suggest using your own judgement. being a mother you know what is best fro your child :)

MANDY - posted on 09/17/2009

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i never let any man get around my kid until things become serious, they would kno i had a kid but i wouldnt let my kid be around them due to the fact of attachment. my childs father wasnt in his life so i didnt want him latching on to every tom, dick and harry that came along, cause when u break up it only hurts ur child. u r def doing the right thing.

Ashley - posted on 09/17/2009

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You are not being irrational. It is very good of you to consider how your actions will affect your child. I have been a single mother since my son was 3 months old. I have been dating, but have not brought any men around my son. Being a single mother is hard, and I think to keep your sanity you have to have a social life. Until the relationship becomes serious and you trust this new man around your son, then it is better to keep those 2 parts of your life seperate. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Kristina - posted on 09/17/2009

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I think that it is ok to bring someone around only if you know for sure that it is serious because if it is not serious then it can be very confusing to a little one.

Shelsea - posted on 09/17/2009

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as long as its someone you are serious with. it would actually be a good idea if you start getting real serious to bring him around your son so he can get used to him or maybe he might not even like him and that could be a deal braker for you. good luck!!

Nadine - posted on 09/17/2009

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No not at all. My husband and I are still together but since having our daughter had lots of discussions about if God forbid something happen and we split that we did not bring anyone we are dating around her untill it becomes very serious and we talk to the other about it so we can together explain to our daughter that we both still love her no matter what and can show that we are both still there and that just this new person is there now too and that it's ok with both of us that they are there.

Jamie - posted on 09/17/2009

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You shouldnt be bringing your son around men until you have been exclusivly dating someone for 6 months. Havingmen go in and out of his life is not a good thing. he will grow up thinking thats how it works.

Heather - posted on 09/17/2009

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You're just being a perfectly normal, and caring mother. There's no reason why you should hold yourself back from introducing a man you're dating to your son. Your ex is very active as your son's father from the sound of it, so there's no reason to worry about confusing your son. And if things get serious, and you decide want the boys in your life to get to know each other more, just have a discussion with your new man alone, first about it. Set up some guidelines. And make sure you make very clear, to your guy, what role you want him to play in your son's life. A big, future step-dad type role, or a smaller one where they can just be buddies. Either way is fine, and just depends on your situation. I went through the same anxiety and stress when I started dating again, after divorcing my daughters father. I'm remarried now, but I didn't allow my husband to get to know my daughter AT ALL until we had been dating for 9 months, and I was as sure as I could be that we were in it for the long haul. Now THAT'S going a little overboard! But that's what personally made me comfortable. And as long as your son's happy, healthy, and well cared for, there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't come up with a plan that makes you comfortable as well.

Sarah - posted on 09/17/2009

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i say if you can get time away reguerly so then you can do the dating thing if for some reason they do happen to become more serious then introduce them as a friend and gage your childs responcebut i do belive that the whole sleep over thing should wait till you know for sure that thats who you want to be with for a long long time kids can get very attached to your new partner so just be careful thats all good luck darl x x x

Danaë - posted on 09/15/2009

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first you have to be sure you're gonna have that person around for a while if not for ever. Remember that kids remember everything and you don't want to give your child the wrong impression, Also there are a bunch of sick people out there and you don't want to bring one close to your son, so just make sure you know this person very very well before you can bring him around your innocent child.

Nicole - posted on 09/15/2009

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No you are not I am in some what of the same situation except. my babies dad and I aren't together and were good friends but since my son was born he doesn't even talk to me he just wants to show him off like he did anything other than help create him.But when i found out that I was pregnant with him I was Already in a relationship with some one else. And my son lives with me and my now fiancee who was there for me the entire time I was pregnant and even when i was giving birth to my son he sat at my side for four days before I finally gave birth and then he was by my side when they told me I was having a c-section. so after my son was born my fiancee and I decieded to let the real father be a part of his life but he did take his responsiblity seriously and Now my son calls my fiancee dada not his biological father. so I no where you are coming from but as long as his dad is present then he knows who daddy is. I f you want to talk more you can email me at littlemissattitude2008@yahoo.com

YVETTE - posted on 09/15/2009

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I was a single mom for about 9 years and If you decide to get serious with someone yeah it should be ok. but also you need to remember that you probably wont decide if you want to be serious with someone until they have been around you and your child to see if he is that 1, so it really is up to you. Cause you might decide this is the one for you and then when its all 3 of yall, it doesnt work out for you. But jus be cautious of everything, cause i didnt trust nobody around my kids.

September - posted on 09/15/2009

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I'd say that bringing a man around your child that you know you are going to have a serious relationship with would be just fine but bringing several men into your home while you are dating is not ok and will confuse your child. I'd be sure that he is the one before introducing him to your child. Good luck finding Mr. Right :)

Priscilla - posted on 09/15/2009

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i wouldnt bring home a diff guy everyday or have men spend tha night.. but as far as you bein serious wit somebody yes youre gonna have to bring them aroun your son bcuz if tha man dont like your son an vice versa it wouldnt be a good idea to get too serious wit that man.. jus introduce him as mommies friend an dont be like makin out or nothin in front of your baby also make sure tha dad knows because you dont want him to jus finf out from someone or on his own

Trish - posted on 09/15/2009

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I only let my son meet guys that I know will be serious. Its not worth it for your son to get attached to someone who won't be around long. Be careful who you bring around. I learned that lessons the hard way.

Ashley - posted on 09/15/2009

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No, you are a mother and right now, you control who comes into his life. I myself am an single mother and also dating. Don't bring everyone you just met into his life. If you feel that you and whomever you are dating will go much farther. Give yourself time to bring others around your child because you would not want him to get attached to everyone.

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