My children are calling my ex

[deleted account] ( 56 moms have responded )

Okay here's the scoop. I am 23 years old with 2 children, a 6 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. Me and their father are separated and both me and the children father have remarried. He currently has a 6 month old son with his wife and take our 2 children overnight on the weekends and I have no children with my husband.

My problem is that when my ex's wife came and picked up my children my daughter ran to her yelling "Mommyyy!" And it honestly bothered me a lot to hear her call another woman Mommy. Now when I heard this I didn't say anything I just kissed them good bye and called their father to talk to him about it.



When I spoke to him I told him how I felt and he told me that both my son and daughter call her mommy and they do it when they are with him and they didn't force them to do it. I asked him if he could correct them especially my 2 year old daughter. He responded with No! that he didn't care, wasn't going to do anything about it and that I was acting childish. He also said that my son says to him "My other daddy Raph" when speaking about my husband to his father but I told him that he only says that when referring to him and that when the kids are home they call my husband by his first name and nothing else.



Well I don't know what to think, I am very hurt by this and pissed off by the fact that my ex don't care at all. I asked him nicely to just correct our children when they call his wife mommy and he won't. Whats even more troubling about this is that quite a few times my daughter has came home from her fathers house calling me by my first name which both me and my ex's wife both share, Ashley (but she spells it Ashlee).



Why would she be calling his wife Mommy and calling me Ashley? I find it strange and I also feel like its confusing to my daughter. I need someone Else's opinion about this because I don't know what to do. I feel like he is doing it on purpose and its either I let it go on or doing something about it.







I just wanted to update my progress:

I usually just ask my son about the things he does and who he visits while he is with his father, never asking my son details about how his father treats him and his sister or what goes on at his house but with my son telling me that him and his sister are being forced to call his wife mommy I started prying a little into what goes on at his father's house and my son has told me some disturbing things that go on there, he also told me other things about how his father and his wife treat my children. I once again confronted my ex about it and of coarse he denied all of it and said my son was making it all up. I have to say that I do believe my son because I am sad to say his father does have domestic violence record towards me but that was also 4 years ago.

But I looked into the local laws in my area and the one statement out on child custody laws that does apply to me is "If there is no court order, you should use your judgment about allowing visits, as knowingly putting a child in the care of a person who presents physical danger to the child could be considered neglect" I don't have a custody order with my ex and I am currently trying to find a play therapy councilor in my area but I am currently having no luck. I am trying to figure out what to do, I don't want to out right tell the kids father you can't see the kids because of what my son tells me, just in case he is possibly making it up but I don't want him to take them until i can get my son into therapy so he can speak to someone else about what is going on. I am also worried that if I stop him from seeing the kids that he or his mother (who hates me) tries take me to court for custody or visitation. How would I prove to people and courts that my children shouldn't see their father without traumatizing my children in the process? I know his mother and his whole side of the family wouldn't believe me thinking I am trying to "brainwash" my kids, In all honesty it sounds selfish but I like it when they see their father because it's like a mini vacation for me and I get to relax for the weekend.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Betty - posted on 08/28/2010

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I'm sure when she calls you Ashley it's only because they talk about you in front of her. I hope they don't call you that when talking to her directly.
I've been a step mom for the last two years and my step daughter calls me by my first name. At first I would just not respond when she called me mommy(kinda mean huh?) until she learned that she doesn't need to call me that. Now when she calls me mommy it's either by mistake or it's a term of endearment(not because she thinks she should).
They probably started calling her mommy because of the baby. Now that she's a mother people are calling her 'mommy' around the baby out of instinct. The kids pick up on that and want to feel like part of the family over there so they do the same. It's your ex's choice to let them call her that and I don't think there's a way to correct it without his support. I know this must hurt a lot and I don't envy you at all.
You may want to avoid doing transfers with the step mom as much as possible to protect yourself from further pain.

Brandy - posted on 08/31/2010

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I normally wouldn't suggest this, but this seems like a very delicate time for the kids. You and the father need to take the children in for "play Therapy" with a therapist. They will not feel forced , because play therapy is very different from therapy. A professional opinion on how to handle this so as not to confuse the kids worse is the best solution in my opinion. I do not agree with long term therapy! Address this problem and then move on. The children will say things to strangers that they can't say to you or your husband because of a natural loyalty and love children have for their parents. They don't want to upset either of you and this will cause some serious stress that they just shouldnt have to go through. I did this with my son and I will say that therapy for issues like these should not last for more than 4-6 months. Otherwise it is just being brought up over and over and the kiddos never get to move on. This is just what worked best for me and my son.

Mel - posted on 07/26/2012

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In almost all situations, I disagree with lowering yourself to their level. However, in this situation I have found a perfect solution. It works almost every single time. Never in front of the kids! Start by referrring to yourself as his wife/girlfriend. If he or she says, "YOUR not the wife." then you say well she isn't the mother. They can say well she is the stepmother and its different. You can agree. You can tell them you agree that exwife and stepmother are not the same as wife and mother. She isn't their mother, she is the STEPmother. You are not the wife, you are the EX-wife. If they continue to pretend prefixes do not matter, you will to.

Or call him your husband/boyfriend.

I never heard it again..

Betty - posted on 08/31/2010

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Your son throwing fits before transfers is very typical and it doesn't really mean anything bad is happening. My step daughter has been doing the same thing for the last year before comming to our house and before leaving to go to her mothers house. Her therapist says it's because of the anger both parents display toward eachother.
As for the kids saying their step mom told them to call her mommy. All I can say is if my 5 year old step daughter ever got caught calling me mommy and her mom confronted her about it she would blame it on me without hesitating because she doesn't want to be in trouble for it and want's to display loyalty to her mother.
The best thing you can do for your kids is let it go. Even if they are being forced to call her mommy it is only going to cause them more distress by showing them that is bothers you like this.
If you have the chance to talk to the step mom without the kids around just tell her off. Most step moms are quite intimidated by the bio moms so that could be all it takes(; I know that's all it would take for me. haha!
Kids this age DO lie especially in this kind of situation. Just try to remember that.

Heather - posted on 08/30/2010

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See me I would have hit someone honestly. My ex, his new wife, both if this was happening to me. I have a step mother, but I was also 18 when she became my step mother. So I knew and understood and noone could intimidate me to call her otherwise. I would do what everyone else said though honestly if trying to be civil. If you have to have a pow wow with your ex and your children if you need to. No new spouses as she may try to intimidate them or they just may be intimidated with her there in general. If you need to get a mediator. Maybe have your son talk to someone who isn't family, a third party about what is going on. Cause if she is doing something that is wrong to him/them, I would do something about it. And if you have him talk to someone, I would only ask about something pertaining to what she does to him if they don't call her mommy. Everything else really let it stay between him an whomever he talks to. For your daughter, try to make it simpler since she is only 2. How you are her mommy, and daddy's wife is Ashlee. Try to explain that Ashlee isn't her mommy in terms a 2 yr old would understand...If possible. I am sorry you are going through this. Like I said, if my fiance now did that I would slap someone if he wouldn't correct his new wife. But then again I have a bit of a control issue when it comes to anyone doing anything wrong to my kids. I don't care who you are.

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Cheryl - posted on 05/13/2013

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Interesting but it is your duty to protect your children or the authorities could blame you also. You do not want child protective service to get involve. They will take them and put them in a strangers house and then you and the daddy will only have supervised visits at the foster care service office. Just keep searching and talking to someone about it so you won't be blamed for anything. You can check with legal service it is free to people with a certain income.

Cristina - posted on 11/20/2012

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Here's an easy one that'll stop the Mommy-calling: "who you calling Mommy? That crazy bitch?" haha Just kidding. Pend a lot of fun sweet time with your Little Cuddle-Bug and strengthen that bond so it's unbreakable by anyone-ever. Worked for me and my babies are so close to me that nobody ever comes even close to their Mother :)

Ells - posted on 10/20/2011

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i know what u mean...it's a hard situation. seek profesisonal help. ask ur gp to find a therapist, explain ur concers to as many people as u can, it's the best to get proof in case u will end up in court.
i just come out an 18 month court battle with my for custody of my son and believe it...it was hard but i won because i found the right people to help me and i expressed my concerns to as many professionals as i could to get their opinion and support.
good luck and if u need a chat im here x

Crystal - posted on 09/03/2010

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Ashley im very sorry to hear this.... he needs to respect u as a mother as u said both children call ur husband by his first name and when he said no to u and that he doesnt force it apon the children which im absolutely sure he did cause y would he say no... but in the long run ur children know that u are their true mommy...if he wont stiop them there is no way to help....and no u are not childish about the situation...most fathers dont feel the way mothers do about the children...maybe next time when they say that when she is present u should correct them right infront of her and say no that is so and so cause im ur mommy......might sound a lil bitchy but at least she will know that u dont like it and she might have some decency to correct them too....but i hope everything goes well in the long run....

Malinda - posted on 09/03/2010

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First of all I got very emotional reading your letter, I am seperated from my kids father also and we both have someone else in our lives now..I have a 8 year old boy, 6 year old girl and a 3 year old girl. I would be very angry if my children called his girlfriend or wife mommy, if I were you I would sit down with the children and explain to them who you are and who she is and who your husband is and who thier dad is becaues they are obviously very confused and you can tell them that they can love this other woman like a mommy but she is not thier mommy and should not call her mommy....I think that would help clear things up with them alot and when she comes and picks them up and they call her mommy just nicely correct them and say you mean miss ashlee not mommy I am the only mommy you will ever have so you better get use to it lol. I hope it helps good luck.

Irene - posted on 09/03/2010

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Wanted to add I don't think its EVER ok to force the kids to call a stepparent something they don't want to. I would never force any name on my biokids or my bonus kids! (We go with bonus kids or bonus mom/dad because "step" has such negatives to it.) Now in regards to that if my own kids decide to call my ex's wife mom, yes it may sting a little, but I'm ok with that and would be thankful that they felt loved,cared for, and safe enough to call her that. I would NOT be ok if they were forced to call her that though. Just my opinion, but as I said in my previous post your feelings should be taken into consideration.

Irene - posted on 09/03/2010

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I'm both a biomom and a stepmom so I truly can understand both sides of this. I love my bonus kids just the same as my biokids and try to do just as much with them and for them. There was a time they wanted to call me mommy, their mom was not ok with that. What we did, the kids, my dh, their mom and I, found a nickname for me. My bonus kids now call me Mimi. To them Mimi just means bonus or step mom. They will even say no that's not my mommy, she's my Mimi. Lol My suggestion is to talk to your ex and if you can all of you sit down with the kids and pick out a nickname for their stepmom. Make the kids understand that you know and understand that their stepmom is special to them and that you want to help them come up with a special name, just for her. Then its a win-win for all involved.

Jessica - posted on 09/03/2010

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He claims she is mean to him and Tell's my ex to hit the kids when they are miss behaving.

This is an issue right here. First of all, you need to talk to your ex and set some ground rules for discipline. You are the parents, you decide how it goes. She does NOT get to undermine your authority as their mother and change your disciplining techniques.

Secondly, once you have established the ground rules, tell your kids that if she ever tries to 'spank' them or does anything that you deem inappropriate as punishment for your children, they should tell you straight away.

If she continues to try to discipline them 'her' way then you need to tell your ex that it stops or the visits stop. Then get onto a solicitor asap.

Just because she is a mom herself, doesn't mean she can undermine your parenting efforts and make your children feel intimidated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'against' step-moms or anything of the sort. I just feel that as their primary carer and biological mother, you need to set the standards for your children, not her. If she has a problem with it, tell her the ways you discipline them and try to encourage her to use these methods instead.

Kimberly - posted on 09/02/2010

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I would see if you could get a court-appointed guardian ad-litem lawyer if you get taken to court for any reason. That is a lawyer for the children. Also, I would seek counseling for your son. It might reveal some of the things that are going on in his life and if anything bad is happening, there is an obligation for the counselor to act on it. At least that is how it is in my state.

Heaven - posted on 09/02/2010

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I don't know if anyone has suggested this, but I think that you and them should have an adult conversation. Request a meeting between the 3 of you. Sit down and discuss this problem like adults. You can tell alot about a person by their actions. If what you say is all true, then my belief is that the stepmom is jealous of him having children with you. She may want them to call her mommy so when they are out in public, they look like 1 big happy family! Like I said, I would address the issue, leaving all remorse and anger at the door. Talk about what bothers you, and then tell them to walk in your shoes. If they get defensive at anytime, then end the conversation immediately. From there you may want to see about setting up some counseling sessions for all of you! Get a mediator involved to show your ex just how bad it makes you feel. He is obviously blowing you off. Don't forget that this is not just about you, it is about your kids. They may come to resent her for this. If so, she may then retaliate against them. So you need to nip it in the bud.

Ashley - posted on 09/02/2010

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well i know where you are coming from but from the other end..i am a step mother of two girls..but i have been more of a mother than their real mother..long story just put it this way my husband and i have sole custody of the girls and their mother just moved over 6 hours away to be with some new man...but back to the subject..i can imagine that it hurts sounds a little fishy to me too...how do u get along with the step mother?

Georgina - posted on 09/02/2010

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i am in nearly the same situation as you,where my on who is 9 calls his stepmum mom,he has only recently started doing this but unlike you i am not on speaking terms with their father so i couldnt call him to query it,it is very hard to hear your children call another person mommy,but at the end of the dxay you have to grin and bear it,just remember that youi are their mommy no-one else,its just a word and you will always be their mom

Tamara - posted on 09/01/2010

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I have a 3kids to 2different dads my oldest goes between my house and his dads and his dad is getting married and it dosnt bother me that my son will be calling her mum at the end of the day he knows I gave birth to him, could it be that your ex is just causing trouble and doing it through the children, coz my ex does from time to time.

April - posted on 09/01/2010

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well..I don't have an ex, but while I was seperated from my husband...my daughter would call other woman mom or other men dad, but we both correct her and tell them their names...she does call my bff mum, and a few ex friends mommy, but thats ok cause they are in her life..she does start to say their names for the most part,but it can be confusing for her at times.. but the important thing is to stick with it(correcting them) even when no one else helps. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Just try to understand that they are young and it may happen from time to time..maybe the reason they call her mom is because she treats them good, just how a kid feels really and I am sure that maybe he may not help the situation by not correcting them and on top of that kids pick things up that they may see or hear. Try not to take it too harshly...In time they may understand, but hopefully they are being good parents to them...

Nicole - posted on 09/01/2010

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I come from a split family, and even though my dad and my "step mom" are now divorced, I still consider her my step-mom, though call her by her real name!!! The same goes for my mothers husband, When I talk about him, he is Frank my step-dad. Now my parents were never married, but I was about 15 or 16 when my step-parents came into my life. I asked my parents what I should call my step-parents, as well as asking them what they would like me to call them, and they all told me to refer to the step-parents in whatever way I was most comfortable with. Now if me and my boyfriend were to split-up and he were to re-marry or get with someone else I too would be offended if my son came home and called me Nicole instead of mommy, but once he was old enough to understand the difference, I would tell him the same thing my parents told me, to call the "step-parents"(for lack of a better term), whatever he was comfortable with!!!

And I know from experience that if your son is throwing a fit before he goes to his fathers, it is not just a stage thing!!!! He obviously not comfortable there and he is trying to make everyone notice that he does not want to be there!!!! I would try some kind of short term therapy to find out why he will not tell you why he does not want to be there or see if he will open up to someone else!!!! Good luck and I hope everything gets better!!!

Francesca - posted on 09/01/2010

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Be careful! Remember that this is about whats best for the children and NOT about you and him.



Think of your kids new step sibling? What about if you had a baby with "Daddy Rolph"? Mom and Dad are the titles you would want them raised with.



Don't think of it as your replacement, but rather another nurturing women who overseas your children on weekends. Clearly she is one of those "good step moms" who welcomes in the former children into her new and growing family. You should be so happy. Many don't.



Ultimately you have to think about why it bother's you. Jealousy? Do you feel left ou, or replaced? Is your feelings more important that the goal of your children feeling like they have two wonderful and secure homes?



I don't mean to be harsh but I come from a blended family and remember my own mother being selfish and loosing perspective about it. To look back on it, it was very disappointing.



As for your children calling you by your first name, that is not exceptable. And you need to let them know that. Before jumping the gun and assuming its your ex, lay down the law with them. After, have a conversation with your ex and his wife. Your all bound to these kids and all deserve to be respected.



Good luck!

April - posted on 09/01/2010

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good luck with this one. my only suggestion would be to repeatedly call the step mother by her name on random conversations. maybe even have a picture of her and point to her as her name and even make a game out of it to get the name in her head for the face might help. also with you be called by your name i would ignore your daughter untill she calls you mommy then respond. because thats the only name you have when it comes to your children. so why answer to your name. best wishes!!!

Tiffany - posted on 09/01/2010

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First of all, it's normal to feel upset about this. I would be very hurt. It is a good thing that your daughter loves her Step Mom, but I think it is up to you to gently correct her when she calls you by your first name. Let her know 'I'm Mommy', but don't make her feel bad about it. Now if the step Mom is forcing them to call her Mommy, that's not okay at all. Maybe you need to set up a time to sit down with your ex and his wife and discuss this. You all 4 should be parenting together, and if this is bugging you they need to respect your boundaries. Eventually though, chances are that they will end up calling her Mom too. It's a very hard thing. Just every time your daughter calls you by your name just keep reminding her that you are her Mommy.

Mary Renee - posted on 09/01/2010

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Blended families do come with a lot of quirks, both my parents were divorced as were my boyfriends.



My boyfriend's biological father was Italian, and his step-father was white and so he called his real father "Papa" and his step-father "Daddy."



I think because your children are so young, this is a confusing time for them and the last thing anyone wants is for them to end up feeling bad about getting comfortable with their step-parents (although it would kill me for my daughter to call another woman "Mommy")



Maybe you can speak to their step-mother directly and work something out where you sit down with the kids and say "I am called "Mommy" and she is called "Mama Ashlee"" Or something like that to make it clear for them with out making them feel bad. Kids that young need clarity and stability in their lives so get together and come to unified solution with the stepmother and the kids will follow that.

Melissa - posted on 09/01/2010

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You really need to talk to your children, maybe explain you are mommy because you had them in your belly and that makes you mommy. I have dealt with this as well when my daughter was younger. She calls my fiance Daddy Donald and her dad Daddy. It seperates the two to her, but she is clear of who is who and so is everyone else. You are MOMMY, do what you can to make it clear to children, if not to their dad.

Chrissy - posted on 09/01/2010

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Ok, I am at the other end of your situation. My bf's son calls me "mommy", we tell him that I am not his mommy and that his mommy is at home. (he is 3 btw) He knows that I am not his mommy, but he feels comfortable calling me that. I do also have 3 kids of my own, so he just might be calling me that because they do....we don't know. My oldest's father's gf told my daughter to call her mom because their kids were calling them by their names....she came home and told me what was said and I told her that if she wanted to then she could, but NO ONE was to tell you that you had to. So, I do agree with everyone about her making them call her mommy...it's not her place..but if they do it on their own, what harm is it really? Are your children being cared for? Are they loved? That is all that matters really. If my children started calling their dad's new gf mom, would it upset me? YES, it would...but I also would know that they wouldn't just call her that for no reason....that they are loved there just like they are at home....all I can say is take it in strides...your kids know who mommy is...Good luck hun!

Kerrie - posted on 09/01/2010

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on an added note
my partners son is 5 and he regularly calls me mummy to which i gently correct him and say i love you as my own but im kerrie....
he understands this and carries on as usual

Kerrie - posted on 09/01/2010

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u are not over reacting at all
they are your children and they only have one mummy..your x partner should be supporting you with this as it will just confuse your children as they are so young.
im not sure how easy it will be to get it through to your children not to call her mummy as they have already been doing it and they are too young to understand but its worth a tryim not sure how u go about it though if your x wont help.
i would suggest them correcting the children everytime they call her mummy but if they wont i dont know what to suggest sorry

Nicole - posted on 09/01/2010

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any respectful lady would not allow your children to call her mommy further more talk about you to the point where they call you by your first name.

i would be hurt and i wouldn't let it continue. as hard as it is if this was something my children were doing i would send them to live with him full time...if they wont know me as mommy and they want to call another lady mommy...fine she can be mommy but do not come home crying to me.
its hard but that is something i would do and if didn't teach them a lesson of who is mommy i would be torn apart. the though of having a new baby would also cross my mind one that the other cant have . as selfish and wrong reason to have another but in a way i could see me feeling like that if it got to a low place.

i am from a divorced family and as much as my real father was a douche bag to me growing up and is now towards me. yes i do call him by his first name but not around him. as much of a better father that my mother's boyfriend has been to me over the years i do not call him dad. he is still just dan. there are times when i slip and call him dad but i quickly correct myself.

my step mom could never replace my own mother. i do not even refer to her as my step mom she is my dads wife or just Carla. now her grand children i do call my nieces though they are step. but the eldest was 4 when carla met and married my father and then later the youngest was born and it was just easier to explain it to them that way. and i care about my nieces much more then i think they realize though i really do not care for the rest of them all that much.

but i can understand. i have a sister and she resides with my father and does not contact me or my mother. my mother has told me she feels like she only has one child now and was in tears. the rotten things my sister has done to my mother and never come around though it was my mother helping her at the time...its a pity. and my father he just sits there and says bad things about my mom all the time. and i am stuffed in the middle having to hear degrading things about her when she does not speak of him at all.

there will come a time when they will realize who is in the wrong. and sadly they will be almost adults when they realize it. and maybe like my sister they could never wake up to smell the coffee

Emily Jane - posted on 08/31/2010

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Difficult situation..unless you know exactly whats happening at your ex's house then its hard to say...
in regaurds to the lil 2 year old..shes too little really to even understand the differnce...but the 6 year old..maybe sitting down with him and telling him that youre mummy and that ashlee is daddys new friend..or along the lines of that..for a childs mind...
if youre ex is reluctent to correcting the children then just you soley telling the children everytime that your mummy ...and do it a couple of times when they slip up..and have eye to eye contact with them so it really sinks in..my 3 year old son calls me Emily..for no other reasons at all..and i just do the same thing..and its seemed to turn him around :)
hope everything works out for you!

Ashley - posted on 08/31/2010

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I have a two year old step daughter and a 2 and a half year old son. At first she couldent say my name and only called me mom i always corrected her weird as it is my name is Ashley too but also always responded to her she knows who her mom is but i also dont want her to think im going to ignore her anyway i dont think you should worry to much unless she is forcing them and i think that anoughter word for her would work my son calls my boyfriend buba lol he started it and we just stuck to it maybe talk to her and see if she could find a different word for the kids to call her like me me or something. My son calls other women mom all the time he calls his babysitter mom because he cant say her name she will outgrow it and it dosent make u any less of a mom and the baby tummy thing also may help her understand but im sure she knows your her mom its just a word important yes but just a word i hope things work out for you the split families suck but we have to make it work as well as we can so the less stress on the kids the better. I wish you luck

Evi - posted on 08/31/2010

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our little family is in the same situation. its not that your children like the other women more really they know who you are, who their actual daddy is and such dont worry. i know it is hard but we tried to correct our little man and tried to explain but he felt so bad after correcting him . every time we corrected him he felt like he;s doing something wrong and i think it started hurting him and we were afraid that if we continue to keep correcting him it will in the long-run hurt his self confidence. like he cant do anything right. it is hard to hear and i feel for you, really.but sooner or later they will be old enough for you to tell them who is who and why you and their actual dad have special names (mom and dad) ... either way, excepting it, talking about it, or going completely against it, i hope everything works out for you . feel better and just dont get upset with them . it probably just the easiest way for them rather then preferring her over you ♥

Courtney - posted on 08/31/2010

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This is a very tough situation. My son's father has two daughters, both of whom asked me if they could call me mom. I told them both that that was a question that needed to be answered by their own mother. I told them I am their step mother and i would always love them like my own. I felt very uncomfortable with them wanting to call me mom because I did not want to step on the toes of their real mothers. Now i can see where she may want the kids to call her mommy because she has a little one and doesnt want that child running around calling her by her first name, mimicking what his/her brother and sister says. However, she should have thought about that before marrying and having a child with someone with small children.



Maybe you should tell your ex husband that you would like to have a mature conversation with him concerning your children (yeah i know that comment seems laughable:). Tell him that out of respect for HIM you did not allow your children to call your new husband daddy and that you would prefer that he show you the same respect. Maybe yall can come to a compromise that the kids can call her a different knickname.



I have a different perspective on this than most because in my situation, my sons father and i broke up on severely bad terms that landed him in prison for a very long time. Therefore I am no longer considered the girls "stepmom". Maybe you should bring up to your ex that he nor you nor anyone else can predict the future and what if something happens where him and his new wife decide to divorce. That would make the children feel like they have lost someone they care enough for to call her "mommy". I love my stepdaughters very much, but I am not able to be in their life as a maternal figure.



I think what you have done is right by not allowing your children to call your new husband daddy. Your ex should really think about things like this.

Caitlin - posted on 08/31/2010

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My step-daughter calls me Caitie or Caitlin and I wouldn't have it any other way. In front of the kids my husband will call me mommy, like if Hailie has a question he'll go "Go ask mommy Caitlin". But she knows (as does her mom) that I am not her mommy but her step-mommy. That way my daughter and our son when he is born know I am still mommy and my step-daughter doesn't have to be put in a awkward situation.
I'd be upset if I heard my kids calling someone else mommy. You carried your kids for 9months, had them, and are raising them. I agree with everyone, try correcting your kids and try to get them to understand you are their mommy and your ex's wife isn't. It isn't going to be easy but hopefully you can get this worked out...
Good luck hunny. I hope everything works out for you...

Tah - posted on 08/31/2010

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just gently correct yout children, and let them know the difference,"" i knowLisa is really nice and you have fun with her but lets try calling her Lisa"....and the other woman should not allow your children to call her mommy if you have a problem with it, it's out of respect for you...she would feel the same way, talk to her about it woman to woman, she should understand now that she has a baby and if they ever seperated she would feel the same way...

Chrissie - posted on 08/31/2010

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I hear ya sister. My son calls his step mom Mom all the time. Felt like someone shot me in the stomach the first time I heard it. But she has an older daughter that calls her mommy so its a learned thing. It hurts and it sucks but its life. If she is forcing hem to call her mommy thats not cool. In mine and my ex's court papers it actually says that neither parent is to encourage the child to call anyone else mom or dad. It has to be the child's choice. If you are that unhappy about it talk to someone in your legal system.
Sorry you're going through this =[

Rachelle - posted on 08/31/2010

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if you have a custody agreement with your ex it prob states in it that they are not to call her mom and it is your exs responsibility to make it stop. i would read my papers. if all else fails try talking to your kids. i wouldnt threaten punishment but just a casual converstion the day before they go to daddys about how it hurts your feelings and maybe come up with a name they can call her (not that harsh one you use in private either lol)

Melissa - posted on 08/31/2010

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I have a 8 year ols daughter her dad and I have been split for 7 years now. Everytime he got a "new girlfriend" he would have our daughter call them mommy out of spite that was when she was young, I would tell her that's not mommy I am. Now that he has remarried though I am in the same problem as you my daughter is forced by the "new wife" to call her mommy! She refuses to answer to her name, I have spoke with both and told them how I felt about it they don't care, I do tellmy daughter that "the new wife" is not her mom, she is "Christa"(sad I hate the woman so much I tell my daughter she doesn't have to say step-mom either there more story behind this though.)just Christa . Both of them(dad and "new wife") say they didn't force her she just chose too,well my daughter had a video cam recording in their house one day and she was with "new Wife" and as my daughter said her name 4 times she didn't answer but when she said "MOMMY" ...."new wife" instantly turned around. I can't stop her from doing it but I do redirect her on the subject also "NEW WIFE" ( I want to use so many other words here) has posted on her FACEBOOK.... I love my girls and my daughter's this and that(she has another kids by my daughters' dad)but this was even before new child came around they had our daughter call her mommy.Also "new wife" post that she is working on baby # 3 sheonly has one, mine is not hers here and one day informed me in front of my daughter "she would be a better mother to her then I would any day!" This kinda makes me feel like one of those crazy movies where the sitter,nanny, or CRAZED lady is trying to steal my kid. I don't make my daughter or for that my son(differnt dad BTW) call other men daddyout of respect so why should it be allowed for them to forced to call another woman "MOMMY"!

Ashlea - posted on 08/31/2010

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I would NOT stand for that at all! By no means should they be calling her mommy. Ever! I have two step parents and I do NOT call them mom or dad! And, if I ever became a stepmother truly I would NOT be honored for them calling me mommy...I would be offended as I KNOW that I did not have them myself. And, if their daddy tried to make them call me mommy I would leave! But, that's just me. I don't even tolerate my brother calling our step dad...DAD...when I'm around...last time I smacked him and told him he had a father as do I. From that point on he never said it again. But, with your children's ages...they are not lying to you by any means...children your age don't have the capabilities of lying unless if they are being made to by them!

Jennifer - posted on 08/31/2010

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I would definately sit down with your 6 year old and talk to him, he should be able to understand. I kind of understand what you're talking about though. I have a similar situation. My dad's wife calls herself "Mimi", which was one of my grandmother's name and it kind of hurts my feelings when she calls herself that, my daughter is 18 months old and has never called her mimi, we dont make a big deal out of it, and we never refer to her as "mimi" just Carol. My suggestion is whenever you refer to Ashlee always call her just that, Ashlee! Good luck!!!

Melissa - posted on 08/31/2010

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I understand where you are coming from. For the first year of my son's life, his biological father wasn't around and I had been with my husband since he was two months old so he had started referring to my husband as "daddy." I never corrected him because I felt he needed a father figure. Now he is almost 4 yrs old and his biological father is starting to really come around and I know it hurts his feelings to hear Andy call my husband daddy. But he also calls my ex daddy. To Andy, he has two fathers who love to shower him with affection and as much as it sucks for my ex, he accepts it because at this point, trying to explain or correct him would only confuse him. Ultimately, if your kids are being forced, I would leave it alone just so that their time over at that house won't be miserable. They will grow up and see who is who...kids are great that way. :0)

Johnna - posted on 08/31/2010

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I understand how you must feel about them coming home and not calling you mommy, this would hurt any mom who cares for their children. I am currently not in the same situation as you, but I grew up in a split household and really you shouldn't worry about them calling her mom as well. I call my step-mom "mom" and my step-dad "dad". I love all 4 of my parents. I don't believe anyone should force the words on the kids, but if they choose to call her mommy, it should be ok.

Celeste - posted on 08/31/2010

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This sounds like a hard one!!!! But I think the best approach is going to be finding the silver lining since your ex doesn't agree with you - and be happy that your kids feel safe and loved in the other environment. Going to the other parents and always feeling like you don't belong can't feel very good but it sounds like your kids enjoy being in both homes. Creating a happy and safe environment is most important and though your 2 year old is confused now - you can never be replaced and no matter what she calls you ( including the things she may say at 16:) she loves you!!!!

Andrea - posted on 08/31/2010

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take a deep breath. i think he mening your ex probably refers to her as mommy when talking about her. it hurts but i would just keep renforcing it with your children that u are there mommy!!! no one can replace you good luck!

Jessica - posted on 08/31/2010

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I am not sure how I would handle this since I am not in this situation but I can see why you would be hurt and upset by this. I think it is a bit ridiculous that your ex does not seem to care about how much this bothers you. Those are your children. You are their mommy and both your ex and his new wife need to respect that.

Shelane - posted on 08/31/2010

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My folks are divorced and in my culture its very disrespectful to address someone who's with your parent by there first name (especially when they're married). I ended up calling my Dad's wife "Tita" (which mean auntie in tagalog).

Maybe your children can address her with some other title rather than 'mommy'. "Mommy" is a very special title.

Katrina - posted on 08/31/2010

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Maybe for your 2yo, you could explain that she came from your tummy and that makes YOU her mummy (tummy, mummy - bit of self explaining with the rhyme there) and because she didn't come from Ashlee's tummy, Ashlee is not her mummy.
Ashlee is mummy to her 6mo because he came from her tummy.

This might work well - I haven't had experience in such a matter so it is only my thoughts.

Also, using a mediator of some sort sounds like a brilliant idea - particularly if your son is not willing to tell you the repurcussions of him calling his SM Ashlee. This would be good for two main reasons. 1. They will not feel like they are tattling between the two families and 2. If there is something untoward happening to discipline them from calling them by their first names, you have someone out of the picture to give evidence (rather than you finding out what happens and other's just saying it's you making it up and you want to get back at them for some reason)
Did that make sense? Sorry I got a bit waffley then :)

Good luck with it all :)

Mitch-Ash - posted on 08/30/2010

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Hey Ashlee,
I have been with my husband since his twin boys were 3, they are now almost 8. We have a 3 yr old daughter together. I NEVER let my stepsons call me mum. I am not their mum. I am their Step-Mom and I am there to be their friend and guide them as much as I can over the next 10 years of their life. They have a mum and they know that. A couple of times they have slipped the tongue and I also didnt answer, but sometimes if they say "Hey Mum" I answer them and before I even finish answering it they are always like "Whoops, I mean Ashleigh" Its not that I wouldnt like for them to recognise them as a mother figure its that I know how I would feel if my daughter started calling another woman mum. I wouldnt like it and wouldnt stand for it. My advice would be to go to their house, you and your husband, without the children and speak to them on a calm, normal level. Or even meet them somewhere in public. Explain to her in front of your ex husband what the kids are saying and ask her how she would feel if theie marriage didnt work out and her newborn grew up with another "mum". If it is hurting you, which I can totally understand, then I think you need to work out how it can be stopped. Either that or u can be a bitch and make the kids call ur new hubby DADDY in front of your ex.....

Charlena - posted on 08/30/2010

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Well she is in fact their stepmom , would you feel better if they ran to her saying " hey stepmom " ? If i was a stepmother and the kids called me mom i will feel honored that they were comfy enough with me to even consider me as their mother . Your remarried as well your kids never call your hubby dad ? EVER?

Some battles should never be started and this is one that you need to let go . dont make it a big deal and start tension between everyone . Im going to have to agree with your ex hubby on this one . sorry

[deleted account]

Yeah I would love to punch them both in their face's especially when I know he's lying threw his teeth lol. But I'm just afraid of what lies ahead of me, If I go the route of him not seeing the kids. I know him very well and I know he's not going to do anything about it, simply because he really doesn't care. His family and wife on the other hand may try to fight me through the courts to see the kids and I really hate to put my kids thew that and myself. I think that may be the way to go though because my son doesn't want to go to his father's and actually cry's and throws fits and hides because he doesn't want to go, I think something may be going on. :o/

[deleted account]

I tried to explain to my daughter that I was her mommy and she was her step mother but she didn't seem like she understood what I was saying. As for my son hes old enough to know the difference but he said that she doesn't like it when he calls her by her first name. I tried to ask why? and what happens if he calls her Ashlee and he got quiet and won't tell me. I told him that next time he see's his father not to call her mommy, to call her Ashlee and to say I told him too and if she didn't like it to talk to me about it.
But I'm worried because I think they are intimidating my kids especially if he won't talk to me about it.

Melanie - posted on 08/30/2010

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First off, I think it's messed up that, knowing it bothers you, he won't correct it. And your daughter coming home and calling you by your first name can be common for kids her age, but someone had to teach them your first name. If you didn't then they must have. I don't have any recommendations, sorry. I just wanted to inform you of my opinion on the matter.

[deleted account]

children this age DO NOT LIE.

I have had step parents, and I have always called them by their first name, because that is what I was told to call them. The only reason I could see your children calling her "mommy" is, as they told you, that she makes them.

Your husband is going to side with her, his wife. In all honesty, he might not even know she does this. It could be that she tells them to call her mommy when he is not around, so is not aware of it.

This needs to be stopped.

I really don't know what to tell you. You have to explain to your daughter that there is only ONE mommy, and that is you. you should also tell your daughter that you know Ashlee wants her to call her mommy, and this hurts your feelings, because you are the only mommy. Reassure her that if she tells her to call her mommy again, she should tell her that she only has one mommy.

I am so sorry you are going thought this, I would be heartbroken.

[deleted account]

I actually talked to my kids about it they told me that my ex's wife forces the kids to call her mommy because she doesn't like them calling her by her name. When I called my ex and told him about this he claims my children are lying and making it up. i don't believe him because why would my 2 year old daughter and my 6 year old son lie about that or even have a reason to make it up and I know understand why shes calling me ashley, it's because she's being forced by another woman to call her mommy. I don't know what to do, he's not admitting to his wife making my kid call her mom and my children both my children say shes making them do it. And another reason why I know its going on is because my son doesn't like her at all. He claims she is mean to him and Tell's my ex to hit the kids when they are miss behaving.

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