My daughters father is using his disablement to not pay, and I'm left to nothing. What do I do when the courts doesn't do anything?

Lanea - posted on 09/17/2012 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Maddie's father is using medical paper work to not work, but he recently left disability pay. He is using some way of the system to not pay child support. The state did not suspend his license cause he needs to get to apts and to take care of his child. He is recovered from his problem. he is gaining weight a sign on health. im a med major, im not stupid! The thing that sucks is I know he is lying about half of the health crap, i have friends telling me oh i saw him her and there, doing this and that. POINT IS: THE State has my case on hold cause he has no means of paying. but he wont work cause he 'cant', but if you cant work then why get off disability?!?!?! What can I do???



I'm debating to sue him for full custody and no visitation (cause he is a verbal abuser in my face and follows me places)

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Jacklyn - posted on 09/19/2012

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To add on to deidras post if no one on the birth certificate your fiance can legally adopt her, unless there is a court order establishing paternity he can't I'm assuming if there a court order for support they had to establish paternity, if not I'd go for the adoption

DeAnn - posted on 09/20/2012

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If there's a court order for child support, then your daughter should get social security if he's on disability. I had a friend all through high school that got SS payments because his mom was declared disabled because she couldn't hold down a job.



I don't think there is a state that would put a child support order without establishing legal paternity. You have a case for adoption if he never went into a court room and was declared the legal father. Your lawyer will be able to guide you through it.



Your ex is an ass, and it hurts to realize you made a mistake in judgement of someone's character. I feel you. Keep your chin up and if he does do or say anything harassing or physically does anything to you, file a police report.

Lanea - posted on 09/19/2012

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yeah i do need a lawyer. actually going to set up an apt for next week, this is really tuff. im ready to just back out of the child support. but im not going to move until i get advice from a lawyer. oi

Deidra - posted on 09/19/2012

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If I am reading your posts correctly he has no rights as it is, you said he's not on the birth certificate. If you have a fiancé and you are planning on marrying this person there should be no reason why you can't petition the court to allow him to adopted your daughter. This will elevate your issues with your ex. Then it would be up to you and your husband to take care of your daughter and all of her needs. If he wants nothing to do with her don't push it. Good luck with your future.

Jodi - posted on 09/18/2012

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My ex moved interstate last year, and QUIT HIS JOB because he wasn't seeing enough of his step-daughter, and my child support dropped to virtually zero. Believe me, my first reactive thought to that was WTF? You piss off interstate, haven't seen your kid in 10 months, and you quit your fucking JOB because you don't get to see your step-daughter? Does anyone see anything WRONG with this picture? Believe me, I KNOW how you feel.



He is a verbally abusive prick too. Towards me. But not towards his son.



He still gets to see his son. My son can figure things out on his own. It isn't my right to make that decision for him. Just as it isn't your right to make that decision on behalf of your child. Unless your ex is abusing your daughter, and putting her in danger, you do nothing.



And sorry, but your OP DID focus on the money. If it wasn't about the money, I fail to see how him being on disability is even relevant to the visitation issue.



And if there is no court order, you should have one. But you shouldn't fight for no visitation IMO.

27 Comments

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Ashley - posted on 10/25/2012

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if you dont want her to see him because he is not paying child support, that is wrong, and is only going to hurt your daughter. if you dont want her to see him because he is abusive, i cant blame you. and if he only wants to see her because his mom wants to see her, than maybe you should contact his mom and set up visiting times with her, and cut him out as the middle man. and if that's the case, and you do what i said, then i imagine he wont be asking to see her, and after so long with no contact, you can get him for child abandonment, and have all his rights taken away. that will also give you the option of letting your husband adopt her if that is what you all feel is best, and if he is willing to do that.

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Sorry to sound like a bitch, but its not about the money! Its about your child. Forget him, forget his money,if hes not paying stuff him! Go out, get a job or a new man and move on, forget about him and his lack of fatherly duties and cash. Your child deserves someone in her life to be in her life, not someone to pay you who isnt even in her life.

Liz - posted on 10/16/2012

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Full custody, don't even bother getting into a tiff about it, getting stressed out over what he says she says only angers you. Get yourself an investigator, only then will you get the answers AND hopefully illegitimate evidence that hes sustaining cash flow or other means of income. BUT ... then again he could just be living off his partner too so be sure before you take action.

Tiffany - posted on 10/05/2012

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I understand your frustration. My sons dad is in jail and has had beat me severely. My son which is 4 knows none of this. And I'm not going to tell him. As he gets older he will realize. Now my daughters dad, she is 10. He pulled the whole disability thing. Judge felt sorry for him cause he's a loner we have joint custody. I work and pay him child support. I don't tell my daughter and will never tell her while I was in labor he was more concerned about getting high. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. I don't care for either dads but they are there dads. Kids are not dumb as they get older they begin to see things. I don't need to tell them. Be happy you have your kid. I receive no child support. I'm supposed to but I don't. I pay. Funny how things work out.

Melissa Marie - posted on 10/03/2012

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Yes your daughter should get ssi and if you start claiming he isn't the. Father you will have to pay his support payments back.

Melissa Marie - posted on 10/03/2012

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Yes your daughter should get ssi and if you start claiming he isn't the. Father you will have to pay his support payments back.

Melissa Marie - posted on 10/03/2012

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I thought your open was all about money also and how you wanted to vindictively stop visits.



My ex was a pos to me he kidnapped my kids and verbally abused me he tried to force me to do things to him and for him and never paid child support but I would Never hurt my children by dening them from him or his family even now that his rights are severed.



I have no help for your problem.

User - posted on 10/02/2012

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Wait..how do you have even get intimate with someone that treats you like that? i'm happily married now. But a longtime ago i had a bf who punched me and, thank God i was drunk at the time i laughed in face and dumped him the next day..Thank God i was drunk because i was in pain for about 2 weeks. He beat the crap outta me, bruised my ribs dragged me down the stairs ect.

Lanea - posted on 09/20/2012

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my story has not change just went into a lot more detail. sometimes a decision can dawn on someone in the middle of something else. my choices have just been better directed. validation or not, sometimes people need to reach out and get opinions from others or hear the voices of others to help make a final choice.(common human nature) and your right it is a choice i will live with.

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2012

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Which is why I said I'm confused because you changed your story a couple of times now, I am not quite sure what you are asking, and I am not quite sure where you are going with this. I strongly suspect you already know what you WANT to do, and you are just wanting to validate it. I am not judging you. But I am not going to validate your actions either. But ultimately, it is your decision, and it is your decision to live with.

Lanea - posted on 09/20/2012

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Jodi.... no i do not wish to have my cake and eat it too. like i said the start was a miss communication on my part cause it was the wrong question to ask. you dont know how i feel. your only reading this. I know i make mistakes and so did her father. things change to the point where you have to leave people behind. idk about you but sometimes there are cruel people in this world. I am only protecting my child. My to be husband wants to be that figure in her life... and it was all his idea. I didnt want that on him, but he insist cause he loves her. So JODI sometime yes there is going to be a case when a woman can use things like my situation that i may be able to get out and leave. You dont know him, like i did. friends for years, then one day im in the hospital drugged up (what the hospital gave me) he shows up and apparently asked me out... weird but i went with it. It took a month in a half to get out of that relationship cause he is controlling, if its not his way then your going to get smacked, everyday i did something wrong apparently, so he would yell and scream till i cried. when i tried to run from him he would some how find out where i was and would drive there to find me. my friends had to take it into their hands and tell him to leave me alone. THAT WAS NOT THE FRIEND I KNEW. I was scared, and with the way he still acts that way, punishing me and my child. No i will NOT let this continue any more.



SO PLEASE stop trying to be judgmental. I know i miss communicated. you should have read that in a post after or so after yours.

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2012

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Well, I am confused then. There is a child support order against him, and she is complaining that he can't pay it, but she wants to claim he isn't the father by using the fact that he isn't on the birth certificate to her advantage? This sounds a lot like having your cake and eating it too. You can't have it both ways - claim for child support purposes that he was the father, but then deny it when it suits you!

Jessica - posted on 09/19/2012

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Jodi, she has stated that The FATHER never wanted the Child and only see's her so that his Mother can see her! In my opinion i would get the full custody then tell the father if his mother wants to visit her she is welcome to, leave him out of if just dont tell him you dont want him in her life cos he may make life hard for you if you say these things??? I would see if you soon to be husband is able to adopt her cos he sounds like a great guy, and if your ex calls you names and yells at you and does things like that make sure you write down everything or save it if it's messages sent to you, You are not ment to care what he says but it hurts and it's unfair when you are raising his and your child without his help at all, I would not want my child near anyone who was like him hence why my ex's family do not see my son cos they are rude and horrible to me!!!!

Lanea - posted on 09/19/2012

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they did not do a paternity test and he is not on the birth certificate. you think i may have a chance? i think i just got excited.

Lanea - posted on 09/18/2012

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let me make this clear, my post was just more so me confused with the situation. and im not complaining about money. I DONT NEED IT. i have everything covered.

And about his disability, the state told me he voluntarily left his help. I know how darn hard it is to get it.



I am trying to figure out what to do with what is right for my child. And if i choose to not have visitation (CAUSE THERE IS NO COURT ORDER FOR SUCH) then im not going to let her over there. I feel that he is dangerous from past and now. Its not bringing out the abuse it was always there. my point is he choose to tell me she is NOT important to him, then Why the hell am i going to let her go over there and feel confused.



Look im not trying to get mad. but i obviously started this post wrong.



I dont hate my Ex, im only upset cause of the mean and cruel things he says. HE is the one mad at me.



understand this i am a calm and peaceful person trying to figure out what to do about my situation. And I'm not going to let a controlling ex control my life. And I could go ON about this but it just seems that in judgmental eyes people are only going to tell that im whining or complaining. I just want my child safe.



think about if your ex told you that your child isn't important to him, but his second child is. you would be upset too. (but in my case im only upset cause she is my world and to say my child isnt important is just WRONG)

Jodi - posted on 09/18/2012

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"but how am i to tell her when she is older that her dad told me to my face that she isnt important to have what his son and girlfriends child(nit his child). "



I guess I am a little confused as to why you feel you have to tell her this.



"Honestly I feel like he is the one punishing our child cause he hates me. "



He doesn't HAVE to like you. Stop caring what he thinks about you. It is over. He doesn't like you. If he did, he'd still be with you. He's your ex. It doesn't matter whether he likes you or not.



Yes, what you are saying makes sense. I understand why you feel that way. But it is not your place to make the decision to remove her father from her life.



With regard to the disability, I don't understand how it works, so I can't really comment. BUT, you can't remove him from her life purely because of money. If you don't want him around, you BOTH need to go through legal channels to have that decision made by the courts, and have VERY valid reasons why he shouldn't be around his daughter. It really isn't your decision to make.

Lanea - posted on 09/18/2012

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and another thing... if god forbid if something were to happen to me, I do NOT want her to be with him. My family would never see her again. that is was i am so scared of.

Lanea - posted on 09/18/2012

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I dont WANT to stop these visits. but how am i to tell her when she is older that her dad told me to my face that she isnt important to have what his son and girlfriends child(nit his child). His mother wants to see her not him. her father told my dad that "(he) doesn't have responsibility to her cause has other important things to do. And helping her with homework is not one of the important things to do. "



He is very physical and verbally abusive to me. He holds a grudge cause i didnt get an abortion like he wanted, I left him cause he was abusive (literally left to the safety of a friends home). and he just wont open his eyes that im only trying to raise my child. everything i do is wrong in his eyes, yet he never sees her. maybe one day and one night a month. but its always with a text says ;'hey mom wants to see maddie' thats not a father wanting to see his child.



Honestly I feel like he is the one punishing our child cause he hates me.



Now i am getting married, and he is an amazing man. He has been in maddies life for 3 years. He buys her clothes, food, everything... cares for her as his own. she calls him daddy. With all the chaos of Maddies father, we just want to move and be done with the pain. I'm a med major and one day plan to go to medical school, and with the way her father is going he is going hold me back. I dont want his money no more, i just want him gone. He isnt on the birth certificate and he doesnt want to care for her, so why cant i have the man who wants to be in her life to adopt her.



that is my whole reason to sue for full custody and take her to a better life and not stuck in his trash town of hurt and abuse.



does this make any sense? I'm just trying to figure out if im moving right. not saying that you are right or wrong in your opinion. but back to the disability, he said ''if i cant have my money neither will you.'' why would you leave disability if you need the money? (cause he doesnt want maddie or me to have it.)

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2012

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Welcome to my world......



Quite honestly, there is nothing you can do. You're going to have to get a job. If you think about it, if you were together, you'd need to get a job too, right?



DO NOT punish your daughter by removing visitation. Child support and visitation are two totally different things. You don't have the right to take her daddy away from her just because he isn't able to pay right now.

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