my husband puts me down all the tme, wont get a job, generally makes me unhappy but refuses to leave

Carina - posted on 07/19/2010 ( 43 moms have responded )

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wot do l do

enough ls enough

l'm so unhappy

he tells me he dnt love me dnt fancy me

l'm 25 weeks pregnant and have 3 boys frm prevlous abuslve relatlonshlp

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Angela - posted on 12/13/2010

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I think an important but slightly overlooked issue in this is why you keep forming relationships with abusive men. Perhaps you need some behavioural therapy to change your thining about relationships. Is this how you believe a relationship is supposed to be? Do you not feel good enough to be treated well? Was your parents relationship abusive? Always bear in mind that it is your relationships that shape your children's impressions of love and what they think constitutes a healthy relationship. Don't let your children grow up to be abusive to their partners. Break the cycle, get some help. Good luck to you

Ashlea - posted on 07/23/2010

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You need to leave him! I know it's going to be hard but you don't need that extra stress in your life. You need to think about you, your unborn baby, and your 3 other kids. Do it not only for yourself but for them as well. Good luck!

Teri-Lyn - posted on 07/19/2010

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since he refuses to leave, leave him, i know from experience that its easier said than done but trust me its worth it, neither you or your children need to deal with that sort of behaviour and believe it or not there are real, decent men out there, good luck sweetie i wish you all the best

Kelly - posted on 01/23/2011

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he must b a total wanker 2 cheat on u, he isnt worth the oxygen. i mean ur wot 24, beautiful and u have 4 gorgeous kiddies. u deserve so much more than a useless muppet. tbh ur better off on ur own, concerntrate on u nd kiddies as thats wots important, good luck with wot u decide 2 do x

[deleted account]

When push comes to shove, what's more important your house and materialistics possesions or your children. Leave! The state has programs to help if ya need it. Do you want your kids to watch this beahavior and learn it and possibly become just like it? Its not fair to them get out!

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43 Comments

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Jessica - posted on 08/23/2011

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Hauntingly familiar this one.

Wait for him to get going(you know, the yelling and such) with a friend nearby(I actually saw one of my husbands tantrums coming and had a friend over ahead of time), then have the police cart him off. Stanp a restraining order on him while he is locked up and change your locks. I didn't find out he cheated until he was gone... but I would suggest getting proof of that. It will help your case. If they don't LIKE him they are more likely to TAKE him.

hope it helps.

and to the ladies out their saying "you should not have married him" or anything of the like... you should know. they do NOT "start off" acting like this.

thank you. I have said my piece. later ladies.
hope you find your way.

Kayleigh - posted on 01/23/2011

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File for divorce, then change the locks, then get a restraining order... the cops wont do shit, sorry. as long as you are married to him you wont really get any help unfortunately. and when you do get Divorced, if you want to keep the house you will most likely have to pay off his half of the ownership or you will be forced by the courts to sell it and split the proceeds.

Hate to be like this, but you shouldn't have married him in the first place.

sorry this is such a hard place to be...

Fortunately if you can prove his adultery and abuse it can help with the divorce case and you may walk out of it with more than you expect...

Nohblee - posted on 01/23/2011

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Honey you need to pack your things and go, even to a shelter for women if you cant find a house, but try family and friends, But the best thing you can do is leave. Good luck though

Candace - posted on 01/22/2011

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My advice to you is that there are shelters throughout the country that do provide housing for at risk women and children especially if the mother is pregnant but I strongly reccomend you seek help through local congregations and community action agencies not with unreliable agencies like cps that sometimes do families more harm than good also if there is a local women's crisis center they should be able to help you

Carina - posted on 01/21/2011

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have actually found out he was having an affair! should see the state of the bird he was with!!!! twat!

Heather - posted on 12/13/2010

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I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I can't comment from experience. But I hope things turn around. Best of luck to you and your children.

Carolyn - posted on 12/13/2010

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well i know when my parent divorce the house was sold as part of the divorce even though my mom had 3 kids.

My name is the only name on all documentation relating to the house as i purchased it before being married while single, but , atleast where I live, it is now matrimonial property because it is where we are living as husband and wife , if we were to divorce , i can kiss half of it goodbye.

just be prepared for anything, the best thing the OP can do , is talk to a lawyer in your area who will be able to give your all your options in accordance with the law and be able to guide you better than anyone here on CoM.

Amanda - posted on 12/13/2010

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I'd have to agree with almost every post on here! File divorce first off. There are legal aid lawyers who go off your income if you can't afford a general one. You are stressing yourself out and that's not going to be good for baby or your other children. He's a loser and you don't need him around your children. But unfortuantley you can't just kick him out, unless your name is the only one on the house papers. If that is true than you can have police escort him out. And until the divorce is final, you are going to get permission to keep the house with your children until the divorce goes to court. My mom got my parents house because my sister and I lived with her. And since you are probably the only one supporting the family than you are the main provider. You need to keep documents of everything he says and does. This will be used against him later on. You could also try calling a Domestic shelter and someone there may help you out as well. Best of luck and remember you're doing the right thing!

Carolyn - posted on 12/13/2010

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Mary Renee is on the right track. Unfortunately, in common law or legal marriage, the home becomes matrimonial property and regardless of who's name it is in, belongs to both of them. One has no more rights to be in the home than the other. In most cases , the house has to be sold, and the money made split between the parties, unless there is another agreement made in division of the assets.



Contrairy to what many think, having the kids does not entitle someone to possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars more in familial assets over the other.



you need to file for divorce and start the proceedings.



you can leave and have the house sold and put a down payment down on another. If he is not working, this leads me to beleive that you are working ? or bringing in some kinda of income in which you are able to support an entire household, and pay the mortgage, property taxes and bills there for with one less person to feed and clothe you should be able to afford it on your own.



I am sure the police will tell you as well that they canot evict him. If there is a domestic disturbance complaint then he may be removed for the short term, but alot of places now charge both parties, because so manies times the police are called repeatedly to the same place, and no charges are ever laid and they end up back there over and over again. so many times the police just charge both.



He has a right to refuse to leave his home as much as you have the right to refuse to leave yours.



its a bitch but thats usually how it is.



head to a lawyer and look into divorce and your options.



and if he is a super prick, he could actually fight you for alimony payments as you have been supporting the household. Its really awful what can happen to some people and how unfair it can be. get legal help now.

Leila - posted on 12/13/2010

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I would ring the police and have him removed. Emotional and verbal abuse is as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. Try to be super strong and think about your litlle ones, it is horrible for them to see and hear, and you can be a great mum without a man. There will be a nice guy out there that you'll just stumble across when you're not looking for him. Put yourself and your kid's first mate. Hope you find the strenghth hun xxx

Mary Renee - posted on 12/13/2010

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Who owns the house? Have you filed for divorced? You can't expect him to leave until you file for divorce and then the courts will decide who gets the house and then if he doesn't leave you can call the police.



I think that because he's your husband and you're legally married, you can't kick him out of the house until you file for divorce because when you're married, unless you signed a prenup, the home is joint property between the two of you.

Holly - posted on 07/23/2010

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i would leave him if he is going to be negative like that towards you! your kids doesn't need to see this either because that is telling them its okay to be like that towards women when they grow up, especially pregnant women! you are 6 months and don't need that type of energy from a negative trashy mouth person! tell him if you don't like me then so be it but you will never find a women like me in this life time when im gone! he will think twice and hopefully change that horrible childish attitude and be a man for his family!

Michelle - posted on 07/23/2010

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Do you have family close? Any scary brothers or guy friends? I would change the locks one day when he is gone and have someone there for support. If you have to call the cops and get the paper work ready for a divorce. Is both your names on the house lease/morgage? You might try too get a restraing order if he won't leave. I know it will be hard but you have to think of those babies you got. You don't want your boys to grow up thinking this is the way to treat women. Be strong I wish you all the best. I don't know where you are from, but if you were close enough I have some scary brothers and friends that would help in a heartbeat. I'm not kidding, they don't like abusers at all. Abuse is abuse whether it is phisical, metal, or emotional. Please do what you can. I wish you luck and may god be on your side.

Shayna - posted on 07/22/2010

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If your home or rental property is in your name and he refuses to leave call the cops and they will be more than happy to escort him from your home.If he shorly can't get the hint then, I would get a restraining order against him, unless of course you now fear for you and your children's safety.

April - posted on 07/22/2010

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Carina my friend has recently wemt threw the same thing. she called the welfare departnment and got info on how to get into a house for abused woman ... that is always a choice and a way out if needed... if they house is in your name evict him and maybe stay with a family member till his time limit is up.. call the cops and report him for abuse... dont give up hun.. your kids dont need to see this or they will grow up being just like him.. i'm sending prayers your way for you and the kids..

Kimberly - posted on 07/22/2010

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Call a locksmith to change the locks when he's out. And call the police for a restraining order, siting the abuse. You don't need him and neither do your kids.

Amanda - posted on 07/22/2010

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Yes I agree with Teri-Lyn, things will only get worse from here. He is doing that to you because he is unhappy with himself and wants you to be unhappy too and control your feelings. I have a three year old with a man from a previous abusive relationship and that is how the abuse started...just get away from that loser while you still can, especially if he doesn't have a job, what can he really offer your child? Besides a bad example...

Keara - posted on 07/21/2010

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I am so sorry that you have to go through this at all, let alone during pregnancy!! My heart goes out to you. I agree with most of the comments already posted, talk to a lawyer or go to legal aid, talk to your doctor, call the police... have him removed from the home... if you have any brothers or close male relatives or friends or really anyone who is willing to help out for a bit, I'd just pack his bags and throw him out... Just have someone there who won't let his verbal abuse escalate to physical abuse... and most of all think of your own, and your children's safety... best of luck to you!!

Donna - posted on 07/21/2010

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I really feel for you. I have been in so many crappy abusive relationships. this last one is stalking me and wont leave me alone. I am with a great guy now thank the gods. In the past i have called the police and put restraining orders on men. if the house is in your name then call the police and have him evicted. since you have the kids then you will be granted the house anyway. dont let this POS do this to you. you are a beautiful individual and deserve better. my heart goes out to you. stay strong

Rachel - posted on 07/20/2010

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That's really sad. No woman should be treated like that and that is bull crap that he won't get a job. I am sort of in that situation but mine involves my husband and smoking pot and he does not help me with our 3 year old very much because he has always a place that he needs to go to. Also, that he just got a job because a friend is a manager there. I would leave especially if I had the money to. Your kids are more important than anyone else.

Christina - posted on 07/20/2010

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Leave! He's a no nothing jerk who has no respect for you! You deserve better!

Callie - posted on 07/20/2010

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I agree with Teri-Lyn...Leave him, you should never have to feel like an emotional punching bag at his expense. I was in a abusive relationship and in the end I knocked him out (punched him in the face) and he never saw me again.

LaToya - posted on 07/20/2010

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Some men just can't handle what their wives look like when they are pregnant. They want you to have their babies without losing your figure, which is almost impossible. Don't let him get you down. You are a beautiful woman and very strong for having children. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was carrying your child, he would be whining like a little baby. If he doesn't appreciate you, he doesn't need to be there. Kick him out and do what you have to do with your children. There is a man out there that can appreciate what you do as a mother and will find you attractive even when you're in labor making all those ugly faces and screaming like the exorcist. Once again, you are a beautiful woman, as is all of us who are pregnant, and you deserve someone who can appreciate it and treat you like the queen you are.

Katrina - posted on 07/20/2010

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Simple. Call the police and have him escorted out of your house. File a restraining order. This is your home and he is not supporting you financially.

Kelina - posted on 07/19/2010

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If he won't get a job then you shouldn't be depending on him financially and you can get him thrown out of your house. Emotional abuse is still abuse and it's definitely not necessary in your life. You've got enough stress with a baby on the way and 3 older children. You also need to think about the example this is setting for your kids. You need to stand up for yourself, and for them. Even if he's not abusive towards them yet, chances are he will be.

Sarah - posted on 07/19/2010

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I agree with all of the above suggestions and resources to use are any of you kids in school cause you could maybe talk to someone at their school too they would know some of the resources available in your community.

Rachel - posted on 07/19/2010

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it is certainly better to be alone and out of an abusive relationship, than have a negative nancy around all the time who brings you down. Especially since he is not even working and supporting you financially, there is really no reason to stay in something like that. It sounds like a bad deal all the way around...and everyone deserves better than that, as well as your children!

[deleted account]

if this is your house and he wont leave when you tell him then call the police.. after that, if needed get a restraining order from him going onto ur property, which im assuming it is ur property.. in ur name i hope?.. if it isnt then u leave

Carolee - posted on 07/19/2010

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Look into what steps you need to take to have him legally evicted from your house.

Delia - posted on 07/19/2010

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It would be a bad choice to leave your home. It would show instability and irresponsibility because you have children in the home you need to think about and since you can't afford to leave as well. (check out Welfare if you do leave).
-On the other hand you have children and one on the way. So, I would seek out information about what my rights as a mother in an abusive relationship are, and there's a of help out there that will cost little or nothing. A lawyer would be a good place to start, a lawyer will be able to help and even get your husband to pay the bill in the end. You can also seek information from CPS (child protective services) which is free.
-For now keep record of when he is verbally abusing you, months he won't try finding a job, talk to friends, family, and your manager for support and also so they know what's going on -you'll need proof in writing from them if you decide to get a lawyer and it will make your case stronger. Also, if you do have family near by see if the kids can stay with them from time to time to keep them away from the fighting or see if your kids friends parents will let them stay overnight. Also tell your OBGYN what's going on, she/he will be able to help you, if your husband is always there slip her a note or give it to the Nurse or call her and tell them what's going on when you're at work- I will also help to have the doctor on your side of the case and will be able to monitor your baby and you better too.
All these things are very important key points to get out winning.
Message me any time, and good luck.

Domitila - posted on 07/19/2010

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Im sure you can have the police kick him out of your house and a restriction order can keep him away from you, prychological abuse is also domestic abuse. I hope this helps

Heather - posted on 07/19/2010

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I am so sorry to hear whats going on. I would not want to leave my house and what I have for all that. I would tell him straight up what the problem is and really give him no choice. I know its hard but you dont need to be with someone like that and your kids dont need that in there life either. What kind of role model is he to your kids when he is not working and trying to provide for his family. I hope things work out for you. Keep me updated.

Carina - posted on 07/19/2010

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cnt afford to leave hm, dont see y shd lose my house and lve on the streets because of some jumped up lttle mummys boy who s too la3y to get a lfe

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