My In-laws have refused to give me back my son

Lucy - posted on 01/26/2012 ( 47 moms have responded )

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My in-laws have refused to give my son back. He is three years now, his father took him to his parents while he was only 2 and half years since then i haven't bothered them about taking him but now i need to be close to my son but they have refused completely. What can I do? please advice.

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Mommy - posted on 02/02/2012

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Everyone is so quick to judge her, based on her 3 sentence question. Why are we all assuming she is in a position where her culture is the same as ours? Maybe where she is, calling her son "the boy", is how they refer to their child. Or maybe, wherever she is from, she is unable to exert control over the in-laws, due to cultural reasons. Let's give her a chance to fill in the gaps before we start assuming she is a terrible mother who just dropped her kid off, and/or has some drug problem that makes her incapable of caring for him. Did anyone think that maybe he was sent to live with his grandparents because they have limited education where they live and she wanted to give him more opportunity for early education?



I'm not denying the fact that the more negative assumptions can not be true, but let's not be so close minded.

Jesse - posted on 01/26/2012

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If He had been living with them for the last 6 months and you have been fine with it, why do you want him back now! my step daughter has been living with me and my partner full time for just over 12 months now and I WOULD NEVER GIVE GER BACK JUST BECAUSE BIO MUM CHANGES HER MIND AND FEELS THAT SHE NEEDS TO BE CLOSE TO HER! you can not just want your child when it suits you it turns people lives up side down and it is not fair to your child or the people that he is now close to! If you do fight for him back then i hope that you are planning on keeping him. also don't be angry with grand parents they are doing what they think is right for your child.... and from the sounds of things they are! there is no way in hell that anyone would be having my daughter for 6 months with out me been "bothered"

Misscraig - posted on 01/30/2012

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The boy!!! Are you kidding me lady you are reffering to your child as the boy!!! No wonder they wont let you have hime back.

Katie - posted on 01/30/2012

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Kimberley, I was thinking the same thing. "The boy"? Are you wanting him back for tax reasons? Because your friends are having kids now? I'd love to know the reason you "haven't bothered with it" until now. This is outrageous to me! You haven't bothered with it?! This is your CHILD! Unbelievable. Seriously.

Jodi - posted on 01/30/2012

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Lucy, what country do you live in? I think this is important to the type of response you are going to get.

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47 Comments

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Cass - posted on 12/09/2012

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this story doesnt add up, to be honest, motherly qualities are completely absent on this one. why do you suddenly need to be close 6 months later and not straight from birth? im not sure its your childs best interest to be with you, if suddenly its convenient to "bother with" picking him up after a few occasional visits. i dont know, you guys should see a lawyer and get child services to investigate the situation and get a professional opinion. seems weird that the grandparents have a reason to keep the son from you guys

Brittany - posted on 11/25/2012

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And you know what? I give mad props to Lucy for doing what was best for her child. She knew she couldn't give the child what he deserved and needed and that is called being SELFLESS!!! Most mothers would keep their child if they couldn't give them the care their deserved and you know what that is in my book? SELFISHNESS!!! I give props to anyone who even give their child up for adoption because their know that that's the best interest of the child. If they were to keep them then that's being selfish!!!! Oh and again to the mothers who are extremely judgmental, selfish, and heartless please let me know how to be perfect!!!!

Brittany - posted on 11/25/2012

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Lucy,

Again, none of us can tell you what to do. Only an attorney can and you need to go to one if you haven't already. I would also like to say that the post above was ONLY to the women who were being judgmental and saying hurtful things. You obviously know who you are when I say that. Lucy, good luck with everything and remember that your children are your first priority :)

Brittany - posted on 11/25/2012

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Lucy,

Bottom line, you need to talk to an attorney if you haven't already. I don't know your situation just like the rest of us don't so you need to talk to a professional. I would also like to tell you to not listen to half of these heartless women on here. I could never imagine leaving my child for that long, but we don't know your situation like I said. Every situation is different and it doesn't mean that you don't care about the child. TO ALL THE JUDGMENTAL MOTHERS ON HERE: CAN YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW TO BE SO PERFECT?!?! Seriously! I just said that I could never imagine being away from my kids that long, but every situation is different. I'm serious I'm not even close to perfect and I would love to know how to be perfect so PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!! I don't know how people can be so cruel, judgmental, and heartless. I hope your mistakes in life come bite you in your ass hard if they haven't already!

Antoinette - posted on 02/29/2012

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Just take your child, if you must get a police escourt! You can not kidnap your own child if he is yours and you or your husband haven't been declared unfit parents then their will be no problems.

Kristen - posted on 02/19/2012

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i Dont know ur situation i read everything it was all a little confusing but i did catch that u said leave so correct me if im wrong ur in the military i hav a 3 year old i looked into going into the military i liv in ohio our laws these are our laws national guard was the only branch i could go into and not hav to sing mi rights over of mi son it was just a family care plan basically saying if i was deplayoed at any time mi sister inlaw would take mi son for that time that i was gona all other branches i wulda had to sing mi rights over to some one completely and i chose not to cuz i was warned but eachg branch its very hard to get ur kids back after that even if ur doing it for them so get a lawyer and fight good luck

Jessica - posted on 02/13/2012

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Where do you live? In California heres the deal... if you did NOT have a verbal agreement that the boy would stay with his grandparents until you are stable then return to you, you will be viewed as leaving the child and even though you have not legally signed over your rights the child resides in their home and therefore you can NOT walk in and take him out, you would need to go file and speak to a judge and gt court ordered custody. You need to know your local laws and talk to a police officer none of us are going to be able to help you and give you any advice, we do not know where you live and you let your son live there they didn't just babysit him for a night and not give him back thats where YOU conflicted things. Call your local police and have them help you. I don't mean to judge either but its just weird that you let your son go because you were fighting with your husband but you guys are still together and I'm assuming have a better relationship but just left your child for 6months... did you need a break from being a parent?

Jennifer - posted on 02/11/2012

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Go to the police station in the area your child lives in and ask them what you need to do to remove your child from their grandparents house to ive with you again. Even though he is yours you can get in big trouble for taking him out of where he is currently living... custody issues or not... His grandparents house is now his home and the authorities will not take kindly to you uprooting him

Jennifer - posted on 02/11/2012

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Just gonna say, she did mention it was her husband that brought her son to his parents.. and here in Canada I know a teenage girl who had her parents babysit her 9month old daughter overnight so she could go out. The teenager lived with her parents. She never called home until 4 pm the next day and her parents refused to let her back in the house to get her daughter. I personally took her to the cop station and they got CSA involved and phoned her parents to find out their side of the story. They then told her she wasnt allowed to go back home because her parents didnt want her there and she was not allowed to get her daughter because she "abandoned" her... she had to go through months of "probation" in order to even see her daughter.

Nikina - posted on 02/10/2012

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when you go and visit just pack his things and leave. he's your son at the end of the day theres no askin your in-laws for permission. Jus pack him up and go. cuz how are they going to stop you. If it gets violent then the cops will interfere and give you your son.

Mommy - posted on 02/10/2012

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Maternal bonding Main article: Maternal bond Of all human bonds, the maternal bond (mother–infant relationship) is one of the strongest. The maternal bond begins to develop during pregnancy; following pregnancy, the production of oxytocin during lactation increases parasympathetic activity, thus reducing anxiety and theoretically fostering bonding. It is generally understood that maternal oxytocin circulation can predispose some mammals to show caregiving behavior in response to young of their species. Breastfeeding has been reported to foster the early post-partum maternal bond, via touch, response, and mutual gazing. Extensive claims for the effect of breastfeeding were made in the 1930s by Margaret Ribble, a champion of "infant rights," but were challenged by others. The claimed effect is not universal, and bottle-feeding mothers are generally appropriately concerned with their babies. It is difficult to determine the extent of causality due to a number of confounding variables, such as the varied reasons families choose different feeding methods. Many believe that early bonding ideally increases response and sensitivity to the child's needs, bolstering the quality of the mother–baby relationship—however, many exceptions can be found of highly successful mother–baby bonds, even though early breastfeeding did not occur, such as with premature infants who may lack the necessary sucking strength to successfully breastfeed.



Paternal bonding Main article: Paternal bond In contrast to the maternal bond, paternal bonds tend to vary over the span of a child's development in terms of both strength and stability. In fact, many children now grow up in fatherless households and do not experience a paternal bond at all. In general, paternal bonding is more dominant later in a child's life after language develops. Fathers may be more influential in play interactions as opposed to nurturance interactions. Father–child bonds also tend to develop with respect to topics such as political views or money, whereas mother–child bonds tend to develop in relation to topics such as religious views or general outlooks on life.



In 2003, a researcher from Northwestern University in Illinois found that progesterone, a hormone more usually associated with pregnancy and maternal bonding, may also control the way men react towards their children. Specifically, they found that a lack of progesterone reduced aggressive behavior in male mice and stimulated them to act in a fatherly way towards their offspring.

Mommy - posted on 02/10/2012

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You can still bond, with your son while he lives with his paternal grandparents by frequently visiting him, and making sure the time you spend with him, involves sharing joyful moments with him, like fun activities/games/play, going somewhere fun, and showing you care by giving him cards and gifts on his birthday and at Christmas, and Easter. My eldest daugher who is almost 9 years old, and who i raised from birth, as a baby/small child had/has a bond with me, her mother who raised her and as an infant/small child she formed an equal bond with her paternal grandmother, who visited her but did not raise her. Your son formed a bond with you, before he was born when he heard your voice in the womb/grew in your womb, because your voice/your body was familiar to him from your child as a new infant having been familiar with life in the womb/a need for his mothers voice at birth/after birth as that was familiar to him . Even if a baby or child looses a bond with his maternal mother through seperation, so that child can form new bond/s through getting to know new person/s raising them. With the right approach it might be possibe to get that bond back again. Babies/children when emotionally secure, can begin to bond with a few other family/members/person/s besides a parent/s if bonding is a frequent but gradual process, not a rushed process of expecting the child and person/s to have an instant connection.

Emily - posted on 02/10/2012

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Well, im not sure where you stay but i know in S.A. they can't legally keep him unless there is a court order. U can take him back.

Lacieann - posted on 02/08/2012

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Okay, that clears things up a bit.



Why was he with your in-laws for six months? You said leave time, are you in the military? Do the in-laws have some sort of guardianship or custody agreement that makes you unable to just take him with you when you visit them?

Keri - posted on 02/08/2012

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Show up with the cops and his birth certificate. If there's no custody order, go get him back.

Lucy - posted on 02/06/2012

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I live together with my husband. I don't use drugs and I have never tried.

Most of the time I usually talk with my son through mobile because I can only visit him during my leave time. The reason as to why I wanted to take my son with me is becoz I want him to start school and to be near me so i can tuition him after school but they refused and till know they haven't sent him to school.

Joycelyn - posted on 02/05/2012

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As his mother, you have that right! You carried him and gave birth to him, but from what I read, you have got to be more serious about this situation. This is your son! As much as my kids drive me crazy, I can't stand being away from them. Your son needs you and you need him. Get the police involved, the courts, anyone who can help you! Don't let them take your pride and joy away! You have got to fight the good fight!

Ashli - posted on 02/04/2012

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I lost custody of my 3 yr old due to i made the wrong person mad. and they called ocs on me and had me arrested and my child taken. my daughter lives with his parents while they are good to my daughter, too spoiled if you ask me, but none the less i am fighting to get custody back and have been fighting for about a yr now. I wouldnt let my child go willing,and I just don't understand why you havent bothered trying to get ur son back for a year until now. You should have made it clear to them you would be coming to get your son after u were stable again. I have made it crystal clear to myinlaws I am coming for my child neither hell nor highwater will stand in my way to get my child back. and if there is no courts in place with ur situation then you can call the law and report him stollen if you have to. and as for me i am filing for custody back this june.

Dusty - posted on 02/02/2012

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If there is nothing legal saying that they can have him, then you can get them charged with kidnapping, or you can take them to court to get him back.

Lacieann - posted on 02/02/2012

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Why do you need do be close to him now? Were you dealing with a drug problem or other emotional issue that made you unable to take care of your son for six months? Are you now capable of providing a stable, healthy home for your son? Why haven't you called your son by name, why do you only refer to him as "the boy"? What are the reasons his grandparents give for keeping him?



We can't give you any real advice until you answer these questions. Right now it seems like you're being selfish and don't actually care about the well-being of your son. I hope that I'm wrong about that, but there seems to be no reason why you should have him back now, he's been cared for by his grandparents for 6 months and you didn't care then, why the sudden change of heart?

Ebere - posted on 02/02/2012

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Lucy, are you Nigerian? Here in Nigeria, we kinda do things a little bit differently but the first mistake you made was taking your kid to your inlaws..if I had a conflict with my husband and for some reason, I didn't want my kid to be around all that, I'd take d kid to MY PARENTS'..is there more to the story?? If you don't mind me asking, how long did the conflict last?? Why isn't your husband moving to get his kid back if you two are living together? Are you living together??

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2012

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Look up you state laws first. Second if you haven't done anything to jeopardize custody then file a petition with you local probate court. That's all you can do for the moment.

Michelle - posted on 01/31/2012

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That is not a reason to leave your son their cause they don't want to talk about it/ They have no rights over him, no way would I ever just leave my son with anyone for any time and just say they wont give him back. Stand upto them your his mother and father and if you love him FIGHT FOR HIM

Angela - posted on 01/31/2012

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take them to court, i have just lost my son to my mother. she had taken me to court and you have to talk to someone, but if there is more to this you need to be honest with them, you will get your son back most likely. good luck hun, its hard i know. but your right you do need to be with your son and he needs his mommy just like mine needs me. let me know if this has helped you at all

Megan - posted on 01/31/2012

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honestly as long as they have no custody order just take your son. he is yours not theirs. if they don't have guardianship or custody they have no right to keep him. if they refuse to give him to you take a police officer there with you and get him.

Cynthia - posted on 01/30/2012

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if you wanted your son in your life he would be. seems to me you have abandoned your baby and seeing someone occasionally does not make you their mom. being mom is about much more then this. you havent bothered them about taking him for 6 months. r u kidding me???????

Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2012

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You need a lawyer, because they may have guardanship or custody over him and you don't know. You allowed them to keep him for a year without being around. That gives them leverage to show the courts that you neglected your son. I hope things work out for you.

Maren - posted on 01/27/2012

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To me it seems that they have no standing custudy order. So all you need to do is next time you go over to visit is just take him with you. Buy a new carseat if you have to and have it ready. When you are ready to say good bye pick him up and walk out.

Mommy - posted on 01/27/2012

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Judging by your choice of words, I am assuming you are not living in the US or Canada. Maybe this is a cultural issue, in that the in-laws have more say than the parents since they are elders? Either way, come hell or high water, I would be getting my kid back.

Medic - posted on 01/27/2012

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You have not answered any of our questions.......You only go occasionallly? I would not let you take him either.

Melysa - posted on 01/27/2012

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if neither you nor your sons father live there they can not keep your son go to the police and tell them that they refuse to return your son after you got back on your feet I assume that they had him while you got into a safe home that was not available for whatever reason previously

Anne - posted on 01/27/2012

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get a lawyer & tell you husband to grow some balls. seriously, if there is no court order giving them custody they have no rights. just take him, you don't have to ask permission

Lucy - posted on 01/26/2012

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We have been visiting them occationally I together with my husband, but this time round we had decided to take the boy with us so he can go to a school nearby. The boy himself he doesn't want to remain with them because everytime i visit them he keeps on asking mummy will we go together and when I leave him he cries alot. I think for them they are forcing him to stay. My husband has tried talking to them about the issue but still they don't want to hear that. What can I do?

Nokuthula - posted on 01/26/2012

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My in laws are also like that they always try to take my son away from me. I wrk and live in JHB, my hubby & inlaws are all in DBN. I have always fought to keep my baby with me. I know they love my son but I can't let my baby be raised by another person. I don't know wat your situation is but maybe u needed time to sort yourself out to be a beta mother. Don't fight with them bcoz they have taken good care of him when you couldn't. You need to talk to them and make them understand that u are now ready to be a mother that your son deserves, thank them. Don't burn the bridge bcoz you will still need their help, support etc. You need to try and maintain a good relantionship with them for your son's sake. GOOD LUCK I hope all works out for the best

Brittany - posted on 01/26/2012

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You really need to clarify your question, it's hard to understand. First of all where is your husband now & why did he take your son there in the first place...I wouldn't let my fiance take my son to his parents for 6 months over a conflict... Personally if I was in your in laws shoes and you were not bothered by not having your son for 6 months & woke up one day and decided you need him closer I would be reluctant to give him back too...Your story just isn't clear enough to offer advice!

Medic - posted on 01/26/2012

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What is a house girl? Why didn't you want him then? You cannot just decide when to be a parent. He apparently has a life and stability there no wonder they do not want to give him up. Is he your husbands child?

Anne - posted on 01/26/2012

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which country are you in? (house girl?) do you work? why can't you look after him.

your in-laws have had him for 6 months now & it hadn't bothered you until now? what are the local laws, can they claim you abandoned him?

Kaitlin - posted on 01/26/2012

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did you sign over rights? If not, he's still legally yours. However, if you still need stability, if you need support (what does your husband say about this? Is he still your husband?) maybe seek group therapy/councelling? I don't know all the ins and out of that situation.

Lucy - posted on 01/26/2012

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I didn't have a house girl to look after him and at the moment we had a conflict with my husband so he thought the best way was to take the boy to his parents. That was the reason

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