My kids are spoiled!! Their stepdad of 8 months just pointed it out!

Julie - posted on 07/18/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of 2...5yrs and almost 4yrs...ethan is 5 madisen 4. i have known seth since madisen was a year old and we would hang out, have dinner and go to movies on occasion. we started dating 8 months ago, and so far things have been gouing well for us. just the other day he got frustrated when i asked the kids to get dressed for bedtime and klike every night they started whining and crying that they didnt want to go to bed. anyway he got upset and so i walked away trying to give him some space to cool off and settle down. i went and did the dishesd and then headed for the shower....when i got out of the shower he was gone! he ended up not wanting to talk about it and was at the bar having a few drinks. thats not a problem cause he probably needed the time to himself...btu he didnt even say anything before he left!! i was mad and hurt. he wouldnt answer my calls but he texted me and when he finally did come home we both ended up apologizing. but he pointed out that my kids were spoiled and they dont have to earn anything. i agree on most parts of that statement but i dont think my kids should have to tie their shoes in order to have things.....or stuff like that. i want to help him understand that all kids get to the whining stage and dont want to go to bed. i am trying to start making them earn their stuff but is their something too extreme? where should i start? any advice would be much appreciated....thanks

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--- - posted on 07/22/2009

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ok they are 4 and 5, honestly what does he expect them to do? aside from dressing them selves and picking up their toys and other simple chores there isn't a whole lot they can do. Preschool aged children should not have to earn things. I don't mean let your kid whine and be disrespectful than buy them toys and treats but they shouldn't have to be perfect to enjoy basic child privileges. dose he have his own kids? I am guessing not or he wouldn't have over reacted and hid out at the bar over something so meaningless as a little bed time whining.

Julie - posted on 07/22/2009

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thank you so much, i appreciate the kuddos. we are doing better now we had a few great nigths with no whining and they kept their room clean, i also explained to the kids what is happening on a daily basis so they better understand why we cant go to the park everyday or have whatever we want. this seems to help

Jennifer - posted on 07/19/2009

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I know we all have different parenting ways but I am a single mom with just a single child and time outs dont work for me she will throw the biggest and I am not exaggerating the BIGGEST fits I have ever seen and spanking and yelling doesn't change them so I started to take things away and that has helped more than anything my child does not know how to tie her shoes either but she is also very slow learner and I don't try and push her to hard I do want her to still be a child so many people are making their kids grow up way to fast and I dont see it fair yes I want my child to do well in life but dont let yourself get overwhelmed and your a awesome chick for letting him breathe he is probably just as overwhelmed as you are on trying to figure everything out so you two talking about it will do more for the kids than just one trying and the other running away! kuddos to you!! and don't push them to hard take it one step at a time for your sanity your mans and the babies!

Julie - posted on 07/18/2009

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thanks again. i will try a little of everything and take it one step at a time. find out what works best for us. everyone is different and i appreciate all views on this subject.

julie

Jamie - posted on 07/18/2009

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They are totally old enough to have things taken away and understand. Mine sometimes lose dessert. Or a favorite toy. They got past the whole time out thing it quit working, both my kids are to indepentent and when put in time out even without toys they will be fine sitting there. Taking away toys and privliges was the way we had to go.

Julie - posted on 07/18/2009

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Thanks Nikki. I will try your suggestions. They learn by example so i guess i will just have to stay consistent and show them examples of other kids that have to do the same things. Thanks again. I hope i can be a great mom for them and i hope i raise good people. a 5 year old is not an incomplete 10 year old he is complete at every age in his life and with age comes wisdom

Nikki - posted on 07/18/2009

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Julie it took me the whole 3 months of summer to teach my son to tie his shoes! You dont have to push your son just encourage him to keep trying. Maybe work on it with him before bed and when he wakes up so that he can gradually get the hang of it. As far as taking away there things i never really had to do that with my son. every now and then we will put him on punishment and he cannot watch tv for a day. We have to keep in my that there are still very young and may not fully understand their behavior. communicate with your children and explain to them why there are consequences for there behavior. I always tell my son that in order to be a good person he has to do good things and that really seems to put things into perspective for him. I use cartoon characters sometimes to get my point across to. we just have to get on their levels. Again you have to find what works for you and your kids. It took a long time to get my son where he is now. he would complain about cleaning his room and i would get him books from the library about kids who had to clean their rooms before going out to play so that he would understand that i wasnt picking on him and so that he could see that other kids his age have to clean their rooms too.

Julie - posted on 07/18/2009

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I know i have been babying them, i also know they need boundries and rules, i appreciate your comments very much. thay do clear their own dishes and they keep their things in their room just not clean. my 4 year old does more than the 5 year old and i know i babied him more because he was my first. thats no excuse i understand, their stepdad plays with them and talks to them like adults too, he really loves them and tries to teach them all about stuff they are interested in. I know i need to take the stand and lay down the rules i just wonder if its appropriate to start taking their stuff away? i know kids learn at different ages and i dont want mine to fall behind, but what if he lacks coordination to tie shoes? if he tries and just cant do it should i wait and not push it just try a few times a week till he gets the hang of it?

Jamie - posted on 07/18/2009

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Your kids are 4 and 5 and are totally capable of doing chores. Mine are 3 and 4 and have chores. Both clean thier own rooms, both clear thier dishes from the table, they also have to pick up all the dirty clothes in the house and make sure the shoes are lined up properly. Simple chores but they make a difference. Your 5 yr old should be able to tie his own shoes, thats not a chore its part of growing up. I think along with the spoiling, which I dont quite see in your post, I see you are babying them. Try to make bedtime fun so they dont whine, my DH sits down with the kids every night for 15mins and just talks to them. They enjoy this, yes he plays with them when we all get home from work but its one on one time and he talks to themlike adults.

Nikki - posted on 07/18/2009

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That is almost exactly how it went with me Alicia. Only it was my sons father making the tough decisions. It didnt really hit me how much babying him was holding him back until he started school. He would come home with his lunch still in his lunchbag not opened because he could not open anything himself and no one would open it for him. I had to quickly teach him how to do things on his own to help build his confidence and so that he would not miss lunch. Teaching our kids to be independent helps us as well as them.

Alicia - posted on 07/18/2009

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I agree with nikki. When I met my sons stepfather my boys were 4 and 5, and it was the same scenario, they didnt tie their shoes, get themselves dressed, wipe their own butts, and always gave me a hard time about going to bed and eating and everything else in between. They were my babies though and by no means brats or bad kids, I just babied them too much. Patrick and I dated for 9 months before he ever met my boys, I wanted to be sure that he was going to stay in our lives once he did meet them.. and so did he... anyway, when he met them they hit it off the three of them, but the way I babied them really got to Pat, he really thoought that for boys of their age they should be doing alot more stuff for themselves. We talked about this a few times, seeing him disipline Mitchel and Garret sometimes got to me, not because he was rough or mean but because they would cry and cry and cry every time they were put in time out, or made to tie their own shoes, or get dressed on thier own....I hated seeing them like that, but like Pat told me they were waiting for me to break down, because I always did. I knew in my heart that he was right, and before we moved into our new place all together as a family the boys were on a great track, they went to bed when it was time, they tied their own shoes, got dressed on thier own, and didnt give me as much of a hard time about things as they used to.... The thing is that you have to trust your partner, your allowing him into you and your childrens lives as a stepfather, so you have to understand that what hes telling you really is in the best interest of your kids. Its your job as a parent to make sure that they are able to function properley at any age group and that they have the confidance to do thigns on thier own. As long as you stick to your guns and dont back down, or go back on things you say and really stick through on everything... it will all turn out great. In the end, my boys have more respect and love for Patrick than they do their own father, because Patrick is stern and loving with them, but he also respects them and treats them the way they should be treated, as well hes never gone back on anything hes said, a promise, a punishment or other wise.

Nikki - posted on 07/18/2009

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I have encountered this problem as well. My son used to do the same things with his aunt until I decided to teach him that it is inappropriate to always ask for things. This helped a little bit but unfortunately when they are not with us we cannot control every aspect of their behavior. I had to teach my son what to expect when he is home and what to expect when he is with his aunt. I also had a talk with hi aunt and got her involved in helping make him more independent. I started asking her to limit the amount of things she gave him and also asked her to maybe have him help her clean up at her home on the weekends even if its only his things. I think having her get involved in helping my son be more independent helped a lot this may work for you too. it is a work in progress though as you try things you will find out what works for you and each kid.

Nikki - posted on 07/18/2009

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HI Missy. I had the same problem when my son turned 5. he has always been spoiled because he is an only child and a severe mamas boy! once he turned 5 and started school his dad and I started realizing he was not as advanced as the other kids at school. most of the could tie their shoes and open their own snacks and our son could not. We had to recognize that we were hindering his growth. As they get older we have to teach them to be independent. We started gradually teaching him to make his own bed and straighten up his bathroom and now he is better about keeping his things clean than we are lol. I think 5 is a good age to start teaching our kids good habits. My son isnt as spoiled anymore and understands that the things we provide his are a privilege to have. Maybe this will work for you. Many start having them do lil things in their rooms so that they become gradually more independent. Hope this helps.

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