my sister is trying to tell me how to raise my son

Brandy - posted on 07/23/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Ok, so im a new mom and i live with my sister and her family until my fiancee gets back from afghanistan. my son will be 2 months old on the 1st of august. He is already eating anywhere from 5-7 oz every 3-4 hours. so in between this time, like an hour or two after he is done feeding, i give him in pacifier. whenever my sister is holding my son, she takes the paci out of his mouth and tells me that as long as we are living in her household, he isnt allowed to use it. I told her i give it to him because he constantly wants to suck, and i believe a pacifier is better than a thumb, because you can always take the paci away. you cant remove your childs thumb. she tells me that his teeth are going to grow in messed up if he uses it. he is only 2 months old. none of her children used them so she thinks that she can tell me that i shouldnt let mine use one either. she also tells me constantly how to dress him, how i should hold him, that i should let him cry for long periods of time to strengthen his lungs. i just dont know what to do, because she is EXTREMELY controlling and wont really let me put my two cents in about anything. help?

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Candice - posted on 07/27/2010

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Letting him scream for long periods will not strenghen his lungs. What it will do is hurt him mentally and emotionally. The paci thing is just icing really. Some kids need one, other do not. My girls never needed one, but my son (9m) NEEDS his. He's extremely sensitive emotionally and uses it to relax.
If your son needs a paci, he needs a paci.
Just tell her Look here! He's my baby and I want to parent him my way. Your way owrks for your children, but it may not work for mine. Let me figure out my own way!

or something.

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Jasmine - posted on 06/17/2014

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She may mean well...but do something about it now because it will NOT get better on it's own. My sister and I have been very close...closer until the last 2 years or so. I went through a lot with my 2 oldest children and I allowed my sister, 3 yrs younger than me, to be involved in a lot of their discipline , and we were also just a close nit family, together all the time. Her oldest is 12 and youngest is 9...my oldest is 21 and now about to have my 1st grand child, and my youngest is 11(I have 4 ages 21,20,15,and 11) I was blinded by my loyalty and love for my sister and didn't realize that #1 she really wasn't ready to handle teenagers, #2 we have totally different parenting styles in most areas, and #3 it would get to the point that she now has little to no real respect for my as a parent, my choices, or the boundaries of my own relationship with my children.Because of some issues in upbringing, my sister is not the easiest person to talk to, so we are pretty much stuck in this situation that is driving a wedge between us. 2 Days after I gave her the news that My first born child was pregnant with my first grandchild...she called to let me know that my daughter would be naming the baby after her. She has also instructed my daughter in some issues with the father and her present situation in a way contrary to how I have already advised...it's very frustrating. I wish I had put my foot down in the past...she may have been mad at me for a time...but it would have been resolved much quicker and with much less damage to the relationship.

Rhiannon - posted on 07/28/2010

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I am with Nikkole on this one! I have 4 sisters, so believe me when I tell you sometimes you need to pretty bloody obvious when you let them know they have overstepped their bounds. If she wants to raise another baby, she can have another one herself. You are staying there out of need due to circumstances with your husband, not because you are a moron or need help with your child.
But reasonably, you are living with her so being so forthright might have unpleasant ramifications. You definately need to sit down with her and explain that she has NO RIGHT to tell you what you can and can't do with your child, regardless of living arrangements. Be clear, honest and most of all, firm with your beliefs on what is right for your child. If she has a problem with it she can boot you out and suffer the consequences! That being of loking like a complete and utter bitch with no human compassion or feelings for her family! (though frankly she seems a bit this way now!)

Nikkole - posted on 07/28/2010

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if it was my sister i would tell her to fuck off but that just me, and my sisters know better not to tell what to do. i would tell her to back off and make it every clear that he is your son! not hers. i wont let her hold him if she is going to take his binkly out of his mouth.

Alana - posted on 07/28/2010

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stand up 2 her he is ur son u will do wot u think is best 4 him my son had a dummy from 4 weeks on he was a baby tht just wanted 2 b on the breast all the tym so i brought n the dummy he was a big baby n didnt need 2 b feeding all the tym like he was i agree with the other mums is there neware else u can live ? hope u sort it xx

Katrina - posted on 07/28/2010

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I agree with all the previous posts but will add one piece of advice told to me several times...You CANNOT spoil a baby under 6 months of age.
Pacifers etc. can be dealt with as they get older (usually can be weaned off "cold turkey" within a week).
Also, with the crying thing - definitely do not leave him for long periods of time at this age. (You don't need to pick him up straight away but don't leave him either.) If his cry starts wavering he is seriously stressed and at that age, they don't know if your in the same room, the next room or if you have left them forever. If he is getting to the point of wavering then it is going to take him longer to destress when you get him (and will then want his paci more urgently)
Just tell her to get stuffed and raise him as you feel he needs raising. You are his mother and know best (mother's instinct and all that).

Also, if you have the option of living elsewhere, from the situation, it sounds like you would be less stressed even if you were by yourself.
Remember, if you're stressed, baby will be stressed too. and that is not a healthy thing for such a young bub.

Shelina - posted on 07/27/2010

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you have to tell he to f*** off and stand up to he its not her baby its yours and you will do what you want with him i know its hard but i had to do it to my parents tell her if she dont stop telling you how to raise him you will leave. and as far as the paci its better then the thumb i know cause my dentist told me so cause my daughter is a thumb sucker and she wont take a paci even if the doc says its better for her and she is 4 so lol well hope this helps

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She's your sister, not your mom. Is there anyway you could live with someone else, or live on your own? That would be the only way I can see to maintain a healthy relationship with her.

Cyd - posted on 07/27/2010

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You definately have to stand up for yourself. My SIL trys to do the same thing and I finally had to say something. According to her my son was "going to suffer from a vitamin deficency" because he doesn't eat all the vegetables under the sun. She didn't think to ask if we had taken him to the Dr. to address the issue or if we were getting him the nutrients in other ways. She actually had him assesed by a Dr. while he was on vacation with his grandma and her without informing us.

I agree with what Nicole said. Let her know that she has her own children to raise and suggest that the time spent telling you what to do is taking time away from her own kids.

Nicole - posted on 07/24/2010

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Your going to have to make it clear to her that this is your child and she has hers that she can raise. Let her know your greatful that she is letting your stay there till your fiancee returns but she can't tell you whats wrong or right for your child. My mom hated that fact that I gave my daughter a paci. Said all the same things that it would ruin her teeth and i would never get her off of it. By the time my daughter was 7 months (around there) we kept losing them and she didn't even care to not have them. I agree though when they are that young the sucking is comforting to them and keeps them calm (at least it did mine) so I would just do what you feel is best for your son. Its nice for people to help give you advice when your a new mom but not when they try telling you exactly what to do. What makes her the expert anyway? I would listen to what your childs dr tells you and as long as they don't see harm being done in your child for the long run then thats all that matters.

Shirley - posted on 07/23/2010

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Is it necessary that you live in her household while your fiance is overseas?

Has she always tried to be controlling/authoritative to you?

I recommend in-your-face honesty. When my firstborn was only a few weeks old (I was only 19), I had to stand my ground with my MIL and an older woman at church. They constantly recommended and berated me concerning my daughter's condition. Their advice did not sit well with me, and upon counsel with my pediatrician, it turned out to not be doctor-approved advice anyway. We still lived with the in-laws at the time, but I knew that my daughter was MY responsibility. In the end, me standing up for what I knew to be best for my child garnered respect and admiration from those same ones who didn't feel I was ready or able to do the job right.

So, I encourage you to do what YOU feel is necessary.

Lacye - posted on 07/23/2010

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you will have to put your foot down. tell her you appreciate her trying to help but he is your son and you will do things your way. she can't tell you how to raise your son. if she keeps on, get your son and walk away from her when she tries to start in on you. she will hopefully get the hint.

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