Naughty 10yo HELP!!!!!!

Danielle - posted on 10/26/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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HELP!!!!!
My 10 year old step daughter has been behaving REALLY naughty for nearly a year now and we don't know what to do anymore.
We have taken everything out of her bedroom leaving only books and paper and pen ( Dr Phils Idea) and that does not make any difference, we stop her from going to friends that doesn't work we just dont know what to do anymore it's putting a strain on her father's and mine marriage.
Any ideas would be fantastic

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Sarh - posted on 10/27/2010

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If you have taken care of her for so long, I believe you do lover her, but w/her behavior it is making you sort of regret it...? That has to be so hard on her and you all. Has she been pushed aside from your child being born? W/her behavior it may be hard, but try to keep her as involved as possible!
Growing up I would tell my mother's partner that I hated her and I wished I had never told my mother that it was ok for her to move in w/us etc. I had called her a b***h and all kinds of other names! Now I am an adult (21 yo) and she is my son's godmother. I honestly think it is a girl thing! My little cousin tells her mom and dad (her dad has been my father figure since I was about 1 1/2yrs old) all the time that she hates them, wishes she was never born, all sorts of hurtful things... so do some other kids of people I know who live w/both of their biological parents.
I'm not trying to justify her actions or words, but it truly can just be a girl thing.
Maybe try a reward system? She behaves for a day gets something she has wanted. Then make the time longer and longer that she has to behave. It may sound silly, but if I behaved for a week, I'd get a movie that I wanted. I also had just my bed in my room (no bed frame) and some books... didn't phase me either! My mother and Amy (her partner) always made me right "I will not....". Started at 25 times the first time I did that particular thing and increased each time. When I had to write I had to sit in my room w/nothing and I could not leave my room until they were all finished. I hated it, but I eventually had them done.
I'm not sure if this will work for her or not. I really hope you find something that works!
Here is a link to some books that I have heard have really good ideas in them. Maybe something in here will work for you? http://www.positivediscipline.com/

Brittany - posted on 10/27/2010

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..."do i love this child?"

Maybe she's wondering the same thing. It sounds to me like she feels that her mother didn't want her and you wont want her either some day. Kids that age think that way and will unconsciously do things to make sure that you react how they think you will. She is probably feeling really bad about herself and that no one wants her especially when you and her father get reasonably mad over the things she does and she probably feels like you don't care about her sometimes when you are taking care of the baby. It's not your fault and she doesn't really hate you. Kids that age say that to their parents when they hate themselves.
She's going through something really tough and you have to try see her her world through her eyes. Try talking to her and tell her that you love her and you are not going to leave or give her up. Praise her as often as you can, even the smallest things like, "you did a great job helping me pick up, thank you!" and give her a hug or even telling her that she's so smart and you're proud of her when she does her homework. Maybe take her to a movie or do something else that she likes, just the two of you. She might not want to at first but if you are persistent and you keep showing her that you really do love her and care about her and you are going to keep loving her even if she doesn't love you, she will start feeling better about herself again and she will stop misbehaving.

Best of luck

Aurora H. - posted on 10/27/2010

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okay i don't know how alot of people feel about what i'm going to suggest. My husband and I talked about this for a long time if our daughter ever got the age where she is just misbehaving we would spank her. I don't mean with a twitch or a belt. just with hands, a good ol'fashion smack on the bottom. Thats what i would do, its not child abuse unless you leave a bruise or welts that lasts for two days. It might help. I know it did for me.

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Danielle - posted on 10/27/2010

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Ok here is the story her father and i have been together nearly 8 years, when she was 7yo her mother gave us full custody. Then in 2008 we recieved a letter from a lawyer saying that her mother wanted no further contact with her it interferred too much with her dating other guys! We have had her to concellors and therapy and nothing works. Thats when it started really just little things to start with like stealing food off others and just normal misbehaving then last year i had a baby which she thought was wonderful and then recently she told me that she wished i had never married her father and she hates me. I have looked after this child since i was 17 i am now nearly 25 and sometimes i wonder why did i do it? There are way too many examples to say on here of her behaviour but on Monday she bought home $60 worth of chocolates to sell as a fundraiser for the school but on the bus trip home ate half of them.
I just wonder if her father and i can get through this because i am asking myself do i love this child? I know thats awful but its the way i feel. Even our families are starting to distance themselves from us because of her behaviour.

Sarh - posted on 10/27/2010

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Is she rebelling against something?
Have you had a baby recently (w/in the last yr of her behaving this way)?
Has something changed?
Are there problems w/her biological mother? If she is in the picture?
Have you guys tried talking w/her about what is wrong?
And what is/are examples of her being REALLY naughty?

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