need advice

Keista - posted on 08/17/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I need some advice. my kids don't have their grandfathers in their lives. one grandfather died when my husband was 10 years old and their other grandfather doesn't come to visit them. this is kind of a long story of what is going on. when I was younger my mom kept me away from my dad i guess the reason why is cuz she cant trust him. and over the years my curiosity was growing higher about my dad. my ex step dad described my dad to be a very bad guy who absolutely hates me and would kill me as soon as he saw me. well one day i was at a lake with some friends and i found out that he was at the same lake that i was. i freaked out cuz i thought that he was going to kill me. so i was crying cuz i was terrified of him, even tho i didn't know him at the time. one of my aunts yelled at him and told him that he was scaring me. which i think that might have hurt his feelings. i don't know. and now i can actually be around him. i have tried so many times to get to know him to see if he was really this bad guy that i heard he was. well i met him and he wasn't that kind of guy. but i try to spend some time with him so that he can meet his grandkids and so that i can get to know him. but every time i try to talk to him he ignores me. and it breaks my heart every time he does that and that my kids cant have a grandfather in their life. i think that the reason y he ignores me and my kids is cuz of his wife i think that she is just trying to keep us apart. i have tried multiple times to talk to him but nothing is working. now im wondering should i still even try to talk to him since he is ignoring me or should i stop? i keep trying cuz i would really like to have my father in my life and for my kids to have a grandfather in their life.

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Lena - posted on 08/27/2013

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I understand your desire for your kids to have a relationship with a grandfather but have you stopped to think about WHY your family was so adamant about keeping you away from your father in the first place? Even if he appears to be a nice guy to you he may have some very dark secrets and may be best that you don't have your kids around him.

Jessica - posted on 08/20/2013

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I actually have a very similar situation, and I believe it's all about perspective. Short background: never met my father, spent my life "running" from him, always heard terrible things about him. I used to fear that he would show up at my school as a child and threaten people in order to get to me. Turns out he just really couldn't care less about me. He WAS a terrible person from what I understand but after he got out of prison he's basically just a dead beat. I tried contacting him and got a few replies but it's now been at least a year since I've heard from him. And you know what? Who cares!! Your kids probably won't care much(mine don't), they probably won't even realize a "grandfather" is missing unless you make it a big deal. If it comes up in school (grandparents day or something) just emphasize the grandmothers and glorify the deceased grandfather they never got to meet. I've learned that DNA has nothing to do with family ties. If there's another elderly man in their life(maybe a great uncle) make him the surrogate grandfather. How many times have you heard of kids calling close friends of the family "aunt" or "uncle"? Same concept. As long as your child is loved by those around them, they're not missing anything.

As far as you wanting a father I say the same thing goes. I am lucky enough to have an amazing father in law and although I don't call him "dad" he basically is. A "dad" figure doesn't have to be blood related to you. I've had many male role models come into an out of my life through the years and rather then focus on what was missing, I always found a way to be thankful for what I had. A friend of my moms(or boyfriend), a male teacher in school, a coach, an uncle. Anyone can help fill that void.

Good luck! Just keep a positive outlook and you'll be fine!

Chet - posted on 08/17/2013

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Wow. That's a lot! The thing is, you can't have a relationship with somebody who isn't prepared to make themselves available to you. Maybe if you send cards for holidays and things, and give him some time, he will eventually warm up and come to you. Have you thought about helping your kids develop a grandparent type of relationship with another older relative, neighbour or friend of the family? If you look around you may even by able to find a volunteer program that matches families with seniors who don't have any family close by.

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