Need to vent!! Resenting my husband.

Charity_knox - posted on 12/08/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am a mom to three kids ages 5 and 2- 2 year olds(twins). I work part time and am a SAHM. I love my husband and he helps out sometimes. He has some hobbies that take up lots of time at times. I think it is great he has fun hobbies like hunting although sometimes he is gone for days and weeks at a time. I sometimes start to really resent him. I get overwhelmed sometimes with disciplining and cleaning up after my dear children and I think where is my husband? I need his help really really bad today. Today my house is a total and complete disaster and I would have loved to have my hubby help clean up for an hour and help before he left all day and is taking a day off work on Monday to go to.
I feel like I am falling apart and I need time to spend with him and I need family time. I start resenting my husband and I want to cry. I know he deserves and needs time away and so do I. I just feel as this hobby is more an important than ME and our Family. I beg beg and beg to go on a date with him and he laughs. I tell him how I feel so overwhelmed and want to spend more time and he blows it off and I really want to cry. I feel neglected. He is needed at home when he is out away. I need his support sometimes and it is really frustrating because I feel abandoned at times. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. What worked for you.

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Charity_knox - posted on 12/12/2013

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I do have hobbies. However, my hobby is running and I often get up before the kids are up to go for a run and enter in running events. Often, I take them with me in the stroller however I think we all agree with a high of 12 degrees the kiddos would not be enjoying it. Still, I am the one who does these things when the children are sleeping or find someone to watch them. I do not get to freely be gone without a worry to go on a 2 day run:) I invite people over often. I have ladies group/play group once a week at my house. I serve on my community board. I also work part time. Help set up and plan community events.If your impression is that I am miserable because I never socialize or leave the house I would have to say you are mistaken. I also do hunt some as well so I have tried working together as a hobby. I had a Deer, Elk, and Antelope tag this year and we took the kids on our excursion together Winter sucks because yes my hubby is out every free moment for other animal hunting season and I can't help but he happens to be extremely stubborn. SO it is pretty darn hard to not feel neglected and left behind sometimes. I am not perfect. I love my kids and my husband. Sometimes, I really need his help and he is out with his hobby which takes up a whole lot more time and money than mine. ANyways.... Thank you all for your help!

LalaBoom - posted on 12/12/2013

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So you're allowing your husband to go enjoy these hobbies while you stay at home with zero hobbies.... How is this his fault?
Hell! If I was a husband and my wife said I can take a hike for days/weeks while she watches the kids, you honestly believe a man will think twice about saying yes? LOL

Get yourself a hobby. Literally. IF you won't get yourself a hobby, at the very least, divide the child-rearing responsibilities. Don't ask him to do things, bring a list of things that you would like some help with and ask him WHICH of those things he will take over. If he refuses, then you simply don't acknowledge his refusal and assign him his duties...... these are his kids too and his responsibility- that's not up for debate or negotiating. THAT worked for my husband, me being non-negotiable about my needs and the girls' needs.

For example at home:
If I'm doing the dishes and cleaning, then my husband watches the girls. If he does the cooking and dishwashing, then I watch the girls. Whoever was watching the girls then has to do the dishes after we have all eaten.
He has boys' night and I have girls' night. If I bathe the girls and dress them, then he has to either put them to be, or bathe and dress them the next day. If I get up multiple times at night cuz the youngest wakes up, then I take a nap during the day or take it easier and vice versa.

Make a stand, I'm sure your husband loves you, but he won't take "begging" and "asking" seriously. Be a little more assertive in this case....

Cc - posted on 12/11/2013

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And two year old twins!!?? Tell him he can go out on these trips when they're a little older! sheesh

Cc - posted on 12/11/2013

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I had similar issues with my boyfriend when our son and I moved in with him. Like Amelia said, it took lots of nagging and arguments for him to understand how angry I was that he could just put on his coat and say he's going to chill with the boys and come home really late at night. I was cleaning, feeding, bathing, putting baby to sleep, getting up for night feedings, and then getting up in the morning to take baby to the baby-sitter and go to work and school. I finally picked up a book called Boundaries by John Townsend. It's Christian-based (not all Jesus talk but it quotes some Bible passages in it here and there), so if that's okay with you, I recommend it. It helped me put things into perspective and learn that I can't change anyone's behavior but my own. Changing my behavior can elicit behavior change in others. It touches on setting boundaries with spouses, family, and at work.
Another thing that helped was when I heard a comedian on Nick Mom say that she figured out a man's secret...he doesn't care!!!! We care too much and they don't care. i was laughing but I realized sometimes I just have to be okay with leaving the kids with their dad even if it means they will eat too many chips and may not brush their teeth before bed. I need to get out sometimes for my sanity and it helps to have friends that are moms because we completely understand each other and there's no pressure to get all dressed up and go to a club until 4am. We may meet up and have dinner and some drinks and go back to our families. When I started to go out more, dad realized the responsibilities involved in child care and started to help out a wee little bit more.
I think weeks at a time for a hobby is a bit much though. i don't know anything about hunting so maybe its necessary, but damn. Maybe ask him to keep it to a 2 night out at a time max and ask him to only do it once a month.
Good luck!

Sara - posted on 12/10/2013

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I have the same feeling.... except my fiance has his man cave that he retreats too. I find my self doing a lot of the disciplining, cleaning house, etc while he is in his man cave. I work and right now he's out of a job where he could be keeping up with the house work but he's not I resent him all the time. He'll go as far as doing the laundry but I am the one who sits down and folds it. What has worked in the past for me is to just talk with him and tell him that I need his help with the kids house work and everything else. He will start cleaning and helping out more often but I do have to remind him that I do need his help at the house. I am also a college student and there has been many nights where I've had a ton of homework to complete and he sits in his man cave while I deal with homework, putting the kids to sleep, and what ever else needs to happen. There have also been times where I've straight up told him that he needs to stay in the house and help while I finish homework at least while the kids are still awake!
Talk to your husband... communication is key!!!!

Sanchezjasmin12 - posted on 12/10/2013

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We went to a class at church for marriage and it helped out. You could get the videos and workbook on eBay or amazon. Its called marriage on the rocks. Very very helpful.

Jessica - posted on 12/09/2013

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Read the book for women only, it's on learning the inner lives of a man! I'm serious this book helped me so much on how to understand him, how to talk to him, and how to make him feel needed and wanted.

Brittany Deanne - posted on 12/09/2013

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Well I am expecting I'm three months pregnant and my husband absolutely is distracted constantly to the point where I even sleep by myself and yes I feel alone too a lot especially with all of these confusing emotions I'm having sometimes to cuddle or go out together might be the cure to all of these heavy emotions but hey we gotta be strong for our families! ")

Charity_knox - posted on 12/08/2013

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He has gotten better from when our firstborn was born. He is good in so many ways but, I feel so left behind sometimes. It is true when I am away with friends the few times I do. I think about my kids. If I go somewhere I try and make sure the house is clean and dinner is ready or if anything it is after the kids are asleep. So it is hard to comprehend that I could freely go away for 12 hours or days at a time (non work related) for fun and not feel guilty and think about my kids. I guess it is hard to comprehend that he may not actually think like that. Today the house was a wreck and it was a high of 12 degrees so the kids and I were cooped up which makes it worse. I decided not to pick up anything in the house, the dishes left in the sink and a mess. I took a nap and I felt a little less resentful. I am waiting for my husband to come home and I plan to get him to help me clean,ugh! We will see. I just hope maybe he will feel sorry if he sees the state of the house,lol. Anyways......

Amelia - posted on 12/08/2013

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I have, at many times, found myself resenting my husband too. We've been married for 8 years and it's only normal. Especially when "us" women (well, most of us) have a hard time leaving them and our children at home to go and do something for ourselves.

When we first got married he always went out with his friends and in my mind I felt like he was leaving me behind with our 2 small children (at the time) while he got to go out. I voiced my feelings about him going and leaving us.

It did not happen overnight but eventually all my nagging, bickering and b*tching got through and he is exactly where I want him to be, at home, with me. He has his moments where he feels the need to go out and socialize with the guys but it has come down to only a few times a month.

In my opinion, you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him how you really feel. Do not let the issue go unresolved because that's not good for the both of you. Get his attention and then figure out something that works better for the both of you whether he goes hunting twice a month also treat yourself to a nice time away with friends or family. Us mommies need "me" time too!!!

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