Not married with a baby?

Natasha - posted on 07/02/2009 ( 38 moms have responded )

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So my boyfriend and I have a 3 1/2 month baby and we have been dating for over 3 years and lived together for about 2 years. I was wondering if anyone else has the problem when people are asking you when are you getting married......we plan to in the future but are in no hurry right now. Anyone else going through this?

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Charlie - posted on 07/05/2009

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yup we have been together for 5 years , we have a 7 month old , we were planning on getting married but i fell pregnant so we are gonna wait till our son is old enough to be apart of it , i dont think it matters if you have a child before marriage , that is if you want to get married at all lots of people dont these days and thats fine we are lucky enough to live in an age where its our choice weather you want to or not i usually find its older people or religously devout people who go all up in arms about it . people like that make me laugh , it must be hard living life everyday stressed out , with cortisol levels rising all because some stranger is perfectly happy living their life the way they want to and not to their standard , lol , sad really .

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[deleted account]

Yep. I'm in similar situation but don't plan on getting married. I have given up trying to explain to people our reasons for our choices, and usually just change the subject. Most of our family and friends have stopped bothering us about it now.

Sandra - posted on 07/08/2009

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I dont wanna confuse u more but i am 23 i got married when i was 18 and my divorce was just finalised :( I am now with my current man...have 1 year old twins together and he has Indian heritage so of course it is frowned upon in his culture to have kids b4 marriage and divorce is practically non existent! (says the divorcee) His parents are in India and they are always telling us to get married get married! You know its not the most important thing in the world. We will if we want and when we are ready. I have had my Big fancy wedding and i dont want my partner to feel he just HAS to marry me and have some lil thing coz his parents want him to. I want it to be special for him coz it is a special day. You get married when your ready darl! Dont feel you should to make other people happy! As long as you, ur partner and child are happy its ALL that matters! Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 07/07/2009

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I have a 2 1/2 year old little boy and separated from his dad 2 years ago. (It was the best decision I had ever made!) 2 years later I am with a beautiful person who is supportive; although we don't live together and see each other perhaps once a week, it keeps the longing and yearning ripe. My mum helps out a lot... and living under her roof it makes going out to dinners with friends and the movies a little easier.

Paige - posted on 07/07/2009

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I know exactly what you are talking about i have a 5 month old daughter and have been with my partner for just under five years. We have lived together for over two years and it has amazed me at the number of people that think its important to ask if you are going to get married. I want to get married, but not just because i was pregnant or because we now have a child. Marriage is hard enough these days without doing it because others are pushing it upon you! Do it when you and are you partner are ready and for the right reasons. Its only a piece of paper, yes it makes it offical, but its not going to change the fact that you both love one another and your child!

Lillian - posted on 07/07/2009

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My husband and I have only been married for three years. We have been together for 8. People used to ask me all the time when we were going to get married. I wouldn't rush it some people live together for years and years before getting married. We got married when the time was right for us.

Nicole - posted on 07/07/2009

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I get the same crap. We have no real interest in marriage as it is generally more for religious puposes than anything and we are the most non religious people on the planet. We are happy as we are so why change it? Plus I can think of a thousand other things to spend money on anyway :)

Natasha - posted on 07/07/2009

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Thank you all for your responses....Some day we will get married but right now my little sister is planning a wedding in september so i think it gives me a reason to wait a while longer. We are very happy and i dunno what a piece of paper and a set of rings will change any of that.

Anastasia - posted on 07/07/2009

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OMG it's horrible!!. we've been together for 5 years now living together, basically, from the beginning, coz things at home with my mum were horrible. my partners relatives (especially his mum) have been on our arses about marriage for the last 3 years. our son is 8 months and they got even more pushy while i was pregnant... i would like to get married one day but no time soon and my partner doesn't want to at all, i will have to work on that ;). I really think people need to butt out and mind their own business, coz it's not their choice.

Dana - posted on 07/06/2009

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i am asked that constantly and yes it is very frustrating! its a different world..women have babies without being married all the time now...i usually just say we are working on some issues before we tie the not...or not for awhile. i don't let it bother me..its usually the older people who ask but it was different back then..

Lisamarie81m - posted on 07/06/2009

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I have been with my boyfriend or as I call him my "husband" for 10 1/2 years we have 2 boys 6 and 3 1/2. I think people have stoped asking if we are ever getting married, And I dont think many people really botherd to ask in the first place, in time we might. I know it was a big issue with my first son, I was 21 and it was planned but to some they thouhgt we should get married and I didnt want a shotgun wedding, as long as you are happy it doesnt matter married or not jsut raise the children with love.

Charlene - posted on 07/06/2009

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i dont think marrage realy makes a difference these days as long as things are stable for your child. me and my partner have been to gether over 2 years we have a lil boy who is 11 months and i am pregnant we are engaged but have no wedding date or anything yet we are going to wait till we have the money lol and the children are a couple of years. i would love to get married now if we could but not on anyone elses terms its something tht doesnt need to be rushed.

[deleted account]

Don't worry about what people say. In 2007, the biggest baby boom on record now, 40% of babies born were born to unwed parents. My daughter was one of those babies. Since then we have gotten married and had another baby. It's especially bad with the 'folks' from the 40-50-60's generation. Good Luck, but tell them to BUG OFF!

Krista - posted on 07/05/2009

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My husband and I did not get married until our daughter was 3. I just laughed the questions off, ignored it, or if I was in a spiteful mood, would give sarcastic responses.

Carrie-Jo - posted on 07/05/2009

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My fiance & I have been together for almost 9 years now and we have a 10 month old son....We actually just got engaged before Christmas, after Damian was born. We are always getti ng asked about when the big day is, but right now money is tight and honestly, I dont see the big deal in not getting married. We are committed to each other and our family, neither of us are going anywhere but home to each other.......we dont need a piece of paper and a set of rings to prove ourr love to each other, so whenever we have the money we will get hitched but until then , I just tell people we are not in a big rush! Besides, now a days there are more people in relationships having babies who are not married then ever before so now it is the norm...

Megan - posted on 07/05/2009

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I have been with my now husband for almost 3 years, we have a 3 and 1.2 month old too, and we have been living together for 2 also. We decided that at this point in our lives we wanted to get married, not because of what people would think, just because we love each other. so i threw a wedding together in 4 months and we got married about a month ago. Dont worry about what people think or may say about you, because seriously now a days (especially with young people) the norm is baby first and marriage second. Don't pressure yourself to marry when you both were not ready before baby, because you will just put a strain on the relationship. Just take each day as it comes and enjoy it and be happy that you have what you have! good lucK!

Jessica - posted on 07/04/2009

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and have been basically living together for the last year. We are now expecting our first baby on August 17th. When people ask me if we're planning on getting married I just tell them that it hasn't been discussed and will not be until the time comes. My BF got out of a 3 year marriage before we got together, so I'm not in any rush to pressure him into marriage just because we will have a child together.

[deleted account]

I was in a similar situation when my daughter was born. I let the pressure get to me, and my daughter's dad and I rushed in to getting married. Unfortunately things didn't work out and we ended up separating when she was about 4. I think if we hadn't rushed into things, it may have worked out differently. I'm not saying we'd still be still be together, things could have ended up the same. But if we weren't "locked in" or stuck with each other maybe we could have worked it out or at least gone our separate ways before we became bitter and angry at each other. Anyway, my point is, don't let anyone else pressure you. Do what's right for YOU when the timing is right for YOU and don't worry about what anyone else says. :)

Christine - posted on 07/04/2009

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I totally understand as well. When I was pregnant with my son we didn't have the pressure too bad but there was also a "loose" plan to get married sometime after. Then three months after having him we found out we were pregnant again so we decided to wait on the marriage. That's when we had family stepping up and sharing their opinions, also telling us that if it's the money not to worry about it. Personally, I didn't want to be trying to plan a wedding while taking care of an infant and being pregnant. I would have been too tired to enjoy it anyways.

To move this story along we ended up first having our kids, second put our time, energy and money into buying a house and THEN we got married. Given a second chance I would do it the same all again.

Amanda - posted on 07/04/2009

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Yes. My boyfriend and I are also in a similar situation and all I can say is, the pressure can sometimes get to you but ultimately you need to consider what is best for you and your family. Financially, and even emotionally a wedding can be a major undertaking. You'll find that most the people who are trying to put that pressure on you aren't even considering that. Just enjoying your little baby and when people try to rush the whole thing for you tell them you want to focus on baby and being new parents.

Jess - posted on 07/04/2009

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I have been with my fiance for a year and a half and we are expecting our first in 5 weeks. I find friends ask more when we're getting married and we were planning to get married at the end of this year till we found out i was pregnant so we have post poned it till the following year at the end. Family and friends asked a few times and we have just said to them next year sometime lol

Nicole - posted on 07/04/2009

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I have been with my husband for 6 years, we have a 2 year old son and we only got married last September. We got married in our own time, in spite of being constantly asked when we would marry. Don't worry, many many people are in the same realationship boat; loved ones seem to think it is necessary to marry asap :P.

Tanya - posted on 07/04/2009

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im 22 and been with my bloke for 8yr this july and we ave a 3yr old daughter and we r getting married nxt yr we did'nt really ave anyone say when r u getting married we got everyone one sayin wats the point of getting married now ur like an old married couple but i want to get married befor avin any more childern x

Jenni - posted on 07/04/2009

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My fiance and I have been dating for 2.5 years, engaged for 2, and have a 1 year old. We had already set a date well before I was pregnant, and since we are getting married for love, not because we had a kid, we decided to not change the date. Our date was set for a reason, it is special to us. Only 4 months left!!
If this helps anyone, we are spiritual, but not religious.

Nicole - posted on 07/03/2009

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I say that if you are both happy with how things are then who cares what everyone else thinks!! there is no law that says you NEED to get married if you have a baby. In fact I think that is why so many marriages end in divorce, because the couples get engaged or married just because they get pregnant or already have a child together. People should only get married because they feel that that is what they need to do to express their love to one another. But I know a few couples who are happy as could be and have been together for over 20 year and are not married.

Samantha - posted on 07/03/2009

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I have the exact same problem. I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years (I'm only 23) we have been engaged for over a year and I have a 9 month old daughter. His parents ask when we are getting married and so many other people ask as well. I am in no hurry to get married. We don't have the money right now and I would like a nice party not just going to the Justice of the Peace. I just try and ignore it. I have had some people get angry at me because I have a daughter and I am not married. I think it is absolutely ridiculous

Tala - posted on 07/03/2009

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OMG YES! I am so going through that right now, I am 6 and a half months pregnant approximately 27 or 28 weeks and everyone from my close circle of personal friends, to ym church family to my family keep asking us when we are going to gbet married. I keep hearing how it wouldnt be any different but i disagree, we love eachother but we aint ready yet. We have decided to wait until the baby comes to decide if we want to then because we may feel different. We will live with eachother till then but if w change we may move in our own places because i dont want to take steps backwards lol

Tara - posted on 07/03/2009

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Me and my BF have been together almost 3 years now. we have a 6 month old son and we do all live together and are considered "common law" anyways. but we do (well I do, I dunno about him lol) feel the pressure to be married. mostly from his family. his mother is VERY religious and didn't even want us to have our son without being married. his sister in law is always hinting that we can have a backyard wedding at her house if its money we are worried about...

I wouldn't mind being married, just waiting on my BF! lol

Ashley - posted on 07/03/2009

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my bf and i have been together for 2/12 yrs....we have a yr old son and another one due in 2 wks. nobody bugs us about it because they know we will eventually get married when we have the money for it. we have dicussed it numerous times and we both know we want to marry eachother. in canada if you have a child you are automatically considered common law the day the baby is born if not then it's 3 years. so to the government we pretty much are mrried except for the rings and peice of paper!

[deleted account]

I get this a lot as well. My man and I have been together for 6 1/2 yrs and everyone always asks us when we will get married, especially now since we had a child and another one on the way. We just dont feel like you need to get married to show your love and committment for someone and to everyone else. We tell people we will probably just elope someday, but when and if that ever happens we are not sure. I also tell people that I dont want his last name(as a joke) and they usually leave us alone for a bit.

Cassie - posted on 07/03/2009

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ive been with my partner 4 yrs lived together for 3 and people ask me quite often ,and i would love tie the knot but sometimes people got realise its when others are ready to im ready and luke isnt so its not happening yet and maybe its the same for you and your partner. the problem also is people assume cause you have a child(ren) you should be married.

Louis - posted on 07/03/2009

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..unfortunately, we live together with his parents and this does not arrange things.. In Mauritius the tradition is big marriage and we must invite all families ans relatives and we cannot afford all this now. Signing these papers is not what is important for me but church and we need money for that. That's strange.. God did not ask us to pay to marry but this is how it goes nowadays..
Well, may be one day

Natasha - posted on 07/03/2009

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My finace and I have been together for 3 years, now our son is almost 2, we have lived together for a long time now. We are engaged, but married isn't high on our list of priorities.

Erin - posted on 07/03/2009

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Yes, I too am having this problem. My fiance and I have been engaged for two years together for 5. My son is now 17 months old and we get that question all the time. We have no hurried plans to marry. I do get weird looks though, but I figure why rush it will happen when it happens. What matters is that we love and are committed to eachother.

Melisa - posted on 07/03/2009

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oh yeah, i am lol. me and my boyfriend of 5 years just had a baby, she is 4 months now. we have been asked the same thing and even tho we know we wanna get married we are also not in that much of a hurry to do it. the way we see it is we basically are already married we just dont have the piece of paper stating it.

Rhiannon - posted on 07/03/2009

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My parnter and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We have a 1 year old son and another baby due in September of this year. I moved in with him before we were a couple, and things progressed from there. More often it is family that ask about when we will get married.

Whilst I cannot wait to get married and have a special day for my partner, myself and what will be our two children then, it is certainly not our number 1 priority right now. We basically just cannot afford to do it until we save money, which is nearly impossible with only one income and soon to be 2 children.

When family ask, I tell them they will get the phone call to say we snuck away and did it already when the time is right. That usually keeps them quiet for a while!

Louis - posted on 07/02/2009

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Yes, I have a 23 mth old girl, My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than 4 years now and we live together since only 6 months. I was living at my mother's place before that. When we began to live together, his parents started to harass us about mariage. I secretely would like to marry.. but not the the same purposes of his parents..

Vicki - posted on 07/02/2009

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Personally, no, I am not in that sort of situation.

But legally speaking (at least here in Canada), after living together for two years you are in a "marriage-like" relationship. I wouldn't worry about the pressure. You shouldn't feel like you are forced to marry.

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