not ready for overnight stays.

Claire - posted on 03/12/2011 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I have a 4 month old son and my partners mum is nagging for him to stay overnight, i dont think he is too young but i do have a few issues that im not sure if im being silly about and im worried its going to start causing issues with my partner.

I guess my first is i have only met the woman a handful of times, maybe 6 at a push, as lovely as she is she is like a stranger to me and would spend the whole night worrying.
He has alot of problems, he has herschprungs disease and currently has a colostmy bag and it bothers him when it starts to get full yet she never thinks to empty it and i think she thinks because he only pees in his nappy she doesnt really need to change it (and thinks when hes crying he just needs a cuddle, hes not hes uncomfortable and there has been a few times ive had to step in) i worry that he will be there crying about it and theres nothing that i can do about it.
My partners sister (22,who i have met less times) is always writing on facebook to her friends about how when she gets him on her own she will bring him round to their house which i am in no way comfortable with, i dont know these people. but if im not here i dont know where he is?
My other issue is they live a good hour and half away, i feel its too far to be parted that far yet.

My partner thinks im being selfish as i let my mum have him overnight a couple of times, my mum lives about 30 seconds away round the corner and knows everything about him, his different cries etc.

am i being silly or does anybody else have some solutions to this problem?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christina - posted on 03/12/2011

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. Your son has a lot of medical problems and if his dad's family is not taking it seriously, then your son's health could be jeopardized. Let them know that you will be glad to let them have your son overnight when they attend a dr apt with you for your son so they will know how to properly care for his health issues.

Sarah - posted on 03/12/2011

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You are NOT being silly! My daughter is 19 months old and she still has never been away from me overnight. For a few hours so my husband and I can have a date night, yes, but overnight not yet. My husband is also nagging me to let our daughter spend the night with his mom. I just don't know if she can handle it. Whenever she babysits we get at least one phone call from her asking something stupid like, "She's crying, can I give her her binky even though it's not time for bed yet?"
However my husband's mom is moving within walking distance so maybe in the next few months I'll let her take the baby overnight since she's so close.
I would also feel uncomfortable with someone I don't know well taking my daughter around to people's houses that I don't know. Actually...that happened once and I blew my top! My husband and I went out and left our daughter (5 months old at the time) with his sister at his parent's house. When we went to pick the baby up his sister and our baby were gone and we had no idea where she was! Turns out she took our daughter to her boyfriend's mom's house (who we never met and we didn't even know her name!) I was furious!
My daughter doesn't have any health issues and I know my husband's family well... I still won't let her go overnight and there's nothing wrong with that. So you...with a baby who DOES have health issues go overnight with people who don't really know what to do in case of emergency who live over an hour away and who you don't really know well...you are NOT being silly or selfish. You are being a good mother. Maybe your partner's mom can come spend the night at your home a few times to get to know the baby better and to learn what to do in case of emergency? It'd be a start.

Amanda - posted on 03/16/2011

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no u are not being silly, i think u should invite them over...a lot so to get to know them and so they can get to know ur son...tell them what u think and feel and let them know how things are suppose to go with ur son...if u do not feel comfortable letting the sister take him to anyones house then let her know...if she ever takes him that the friends would have to go to her....or however u would like it...sounds like they are nice enough and maybe they will understand but don't let anyone push u around..u know best for ur son but if they really want to take him and to be there then they should be fine with coming around to get to know u and ur son better first...

Sebrina - posted on 03/14/2011

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Just so you can hear it from my side :-) I have spent 1 night away from my 2 year old son. He was 22 months old, he was with his father and I was in the hospital having my second son who is months and I would never leave them over night unless it was for an emergency. I couldn't bare it. When there old enough to ask to sleep over with someone maybe then I will think about it. I have left my oldest boy while I worked for about 8 hours a day when he was ten to 13 months then I stopped. I didn't like someone else caring for my baby. I say listen to your instincts. If you really feel ready then do it. But if your not comfortable then don't do it.

My best friend has two girls the same age as my boys, She has left them before and has no problems. People are different.What works for her might not work for me or you. I hope this helps.

Jodi - posted on 03/12/2011

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I don't think you are being silly, but I do think it is time to get to know your partner's family better so that you can work towards feeling comfortable with it.

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27 Comments

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Queet - posted on 06/21/2013

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No you are not you now have mothers intuition and its there to any four month old newborn with or without special health needs should be at home or wih those yYou can trust. Its not his call and he should be supportive of you and the baby his mother has raised her kids and should also understand..

Alisha - posted on 04/26/2011

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My daughter did not stay overnight at anyone's house until she was like 2 years old! You certainly have 100% rights to say no and that you don't feel comfortable, babies are not meant to be away from their moms especially at night! Stand your ground and say I will let you know when I think he is ready. Especially if he has special things he needs. You are not being selfish at all, you are being your child's mom!

Jessica - posted on 03/18/2011

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The first time i ever let my son stay over night was when i was in the hospital having his little brother he was 3 and 1/2 and it was with my cousin at my parents. I had no choice as their father wanted to stay with me and the new baby. I still worried the whole time and called often. As my son had open heart surgery when he was born even though he only gets a once a year check I still worry. He is your baby and if he has any problems at all and is that little you need to go with your gut tell your guy that when he is older and does not need as much care you will let him stay then. Good luck .

Kerrie - posted on 03/18/2011

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my in laws are really hassling to have my daughter too. she is 15 months old so some might think she should have stayed out over night by now but i am really not ready yet

Alisha - posted on 03/17/2011

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You have every right to be protective of your little one! My son is 18months and I dont let him stay places either! I am giving in this weekend to my Fiance's sister I trust her and she has three kids of her own so I know he will be fine.

Linda - posted on 03/16/2011

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i dont mean to offend anyone- each to their own , but hunney in my opinion hes your son , he came from your body , your mother in law raised her son ,time for you to have your turn- you certainely arent being silly , your being protective , tell your hubby to grow up and stick by you and the chpoices you make for your son. your not being nasty to anyone you just have your childs best interests in mind. plus one and a half hours away is too long to travel if something went wrong. another thing is with your own mum you canstep in anytime without feeling like your hurting their feelings or dissrespecting them. even tho who bloody cares if they are hurt hes your son! its a hard situation , im in a similar one , my partners mum hasc a brain tumour and is half blind and has diabetes and she expects to take my daughter out on her own and have her overnight. my daughters almost 2 and spo far shes has never had her on her own or overnight , but to be fair , my mum doesnt get the privelage either which she understands and in my eyes , my daughters got plenty of years to spend with her grandparents let me raise my daughter before i have to leave her to go back to work.bloody men will never understand the bond between mother n child.lol.

Tanya - posted on 03/16/2011

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That's not silly at all. I live next door to my mom and don't like to have my son away from me overnight. The first overnight he had there was when I gave birth to his brother when he was 17.5 months. And he's totally healthy! And my mom watches him while I work! So if you're being silly, then I'm plain ridiculous (and I don't think I am).

Brandee - posted on 03/16/2011

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You are NOT being silly or selfish. I have been with my husband since 2000 and now 11 years later, I don't feel as comfortable with our 2.5 year old son staying with his parents like I do when he is with mine. All 3 of us even lived with his parents for 10 months in 2010. Eventually the day will come that your child sleeps away from home, but it does not have to be anytime soon. Just make sure the baby is on a good schedule and that they know what that schedule is. Maybe you guys could drive over a few time and have a date night near their house so that you get more comfortable with them.

Laura - posted on 03/16/2011

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i have exactly the same problem except my son is 7months old and his grandmother (lola) lives 5hours away and she keeps insisting in her school holidays ( she's a teacher) she will borrow him for a few weeks... like u iv met her only a few times and have continued to say no ( much 2 the lola and sisters of my partners disgust)
i think that its ok for you to say no even if there not happy with it as he is your baby and like you say she is a stranger and cant care for him the way you like. your not silly and i found my solution is she can have aiden over night every now and then but she gets me to.. ( which annoys her even more hehe ) untill your son is used to her and she can look after him the same way you like (the way your mom does) maybe you can sujest she visits him regularly once a week and let her take care of him while your at home then you can guide her into your parenting skills :)
hope this helps you im trying to train my mother in law at the moment also and seems to be going ok however to his family im still the OA Mother ;)

Megan - posted on 03/15/2011

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you are deff not being silly! My daughter is almost four months old and has not been away from me yet, I am very uncomfortable with the idea actually. I am the same as you with my partners mother, she wants to keep the baby, but I dont want her too because I dont know her all that well and she doesnt really try to get to know me. I have been around her maybe 4 times at the most, and she never calls or asks about her tome, and when she comes over she just mainly talks to my boyfriend. It has caused alot of problems for me and him bcause he thinks I have something against his mother, which is not the case at all, its just that leaving my daughter with her would be like leaving her with a stranger right now. It makes things really hard because I have no problem leavingher with my mom, but I am kinda dealing with seperation anxiety in some ways.

Stephanie - posted on 03/15/2011

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You are not being foolish or selfish. I had a hard time letting my mother in law take my daughter overnight when she was barely 2 years....I can't imagine her taking a tiny baby. And this is when my girls are healthy and sleeping through the night, and we live 20 mins away from her!
Like others have said; you are the mom. You are the one who is ultimately responsible for him. Your partner needs to respect this decision and tell his mom and sister to back off. Stay strong, your mummy instincts are right and it's good to listen to them!!

Casey - posted on 03/15/2011

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Youre not being foolish. You are a concerned mother who has a right to worry. If it were me in your situation, I would say no to them. If you are not comfortable about it now, just think how you will feel when hes actually away from you. Youll worry yourself sick. Hes too young for that and with his condition, he needs you! Not inexperienced people!

Sunny - posted on 03/15/2011

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my son is turning 4 in april, and he still hasn't spent the night away from us and it will not happen anytime soon.

Jennifer - posted on 03/15/2011

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Okay first of all you are his mom and you have to follow your gut. This child is depending on you to do so..
Second of all, if she forgets to change the colostomy bag, the baby can get an infection. Your partner can get mad, but you are protecting your child. Let the sister talk on facebook all she wants. But, if you don't want her to take your child where you don't want the child to go, she needs to understand this and abide by it, or not get your child. No mom should ever be in fear that her child is in danger or being taken somewhere she does not want them to go. Stand up for yourself and more importantly your child. You are their voice and being a special needs health child the baby relies on you more than you know. Your partner's family does not understand, so either they do it your way or it's no way.... Maybe you can have them over more to get a feel for your child. This way you can teach them the importance and severity of it all. If they still insist on non-compliance, then by all means keep the baby safe. If they cannot understand this and your partner won't back you up, then they are not as caring as they let on. You carried this child and gave birth to them. You have a bond with that child no one else will ever be able to have or duplicate with them. Just remember it is about the child's health and safety. You are in your right to do all the protection you need to do. If you don't want the child to spend the night over there, don't let the child be there without you especially. If your mom knows, then that is your comfort. You child is too young for others to interfere...not that they should ever be able to change your mind..but a colostomy bag is serious...you need to open your mouth and assert that inner mom that you can be and stand your ground. Don't allow that behavior from his family with your child. Just dont' do it.

Jennifer - posted on 03/14/2011

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You're not being silly. My son is 9 months old and has spent 1 night away from home with my sister, I text her pretty much every 5 minutes, even at midnight. I wasn't ready for it.

Maybe suggest you, baby & hubby stay overnight there and his mum can take the baby in her room? So that you can still hear him crying and if it continues, you can step in. Maybe do that and humor her want for alone time by going to dinner with your hubby then coming back to stay the night. That's what I would in your situation.

Liz - posted on 03/14/2011

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Another thing I would suggest too. Perhaps writing a 'list' as a reminder of what to do when so she knows the routine you have established with your son. Perhaps having it in writing will remind her of things she doesn't otherwise seem to think of.

Something we had to do with the in laws when the twins were younger. Silly, but it helped.

Claire - posted on 03/14/2011

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Thanks, my son has only spent 2 nights away, and that was only because i was very unwell and couldnt get out of bed and with all his health issues i didnt want to pass anything to him, it was difficult leaving him but reasuring he was just round the corner, in a house i have a key too with somebody i trust completely, to me that makes all the difference. My SO is going to try and explain to his mum how i feel, hopefully she understands, he was in hopsital for the first 6 weeks of his life so kinda feels like ive just got him home to myself before everyone wants to take him away again :( Going to stick to my gut feelings on this one though, i feel to strongly to give in to this.

Jess - posted on 03/14/2011

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NOt at all. you are the mom you have the natural instinct. and it is usually right. you go girl

Sebrina - posted on 03/14/2011

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I just took the time to read the section on health issues. That for me is an absolute NO WAY! I would never ever. No body can have a mothers instinct. That mothers instinct saves lives.

Claire - posted on 03/14/2011

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Thanks everyone for such great responses, really reasures me that im not being silly. its so nice to hear that everyone agrees with my issues.
Im going to definetaly try to spend more time with the family to get to know them a bit better. recently found out the SIL only wanted him to stay one particular night knowing that MIL was working first thing so she would get him all to herself, neglecting to tell me that part, i cant drive and hate the thought of her taking him places and not knowing or being able to do anything about it or able to go and get him, wasnt too happy and very glad i hadnt agreed to it!
I have spoken to SO since then and tried to explain my issues to him without offending anybody and as much as he says he understands what im saying he still makes me feel guilty saying things like "my mum will be upset she cant take him"
We are moving home next week so agreed to the compromise that she looks after him for the full day Saturday while we move as long as we can pick him up before his bed time, i think this is a reasonable compromise? keeps everyone happy and ill be kept busy to take my mind off worrying!
I have shown my MIL many times how to empty the bag and made several comments like hes probably wet but dont know if she would do it without me bringing it up.
I know she would never leave him uncomfortable on purpose, she loves him so much and i dont doubt he wouldnt be cared for but a "cuddle from granny" isnt always the answer. She is the loveliest person on earth so would hate to hurt her feelings, just something well have to work on i guess.

I think my main worry is the distance, not being able to drive and knowing my little boy is so far away if he needed me and not being able to get to him, im sure we will get there eventually...

Liz - posted on 03/12/2011

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I don't think you're being silly at all. I have b/g twins that will be three in June and a son that will be one in July. My twins have only stayed overnight at my in laws a few times but that was due to us being at the hospital when our youngest was sick. They've only spent the night at my parents house when we were there because my parents arn't ready for that yet. As for my youngest he's never slept away from us. I personally don't believe in starting that at least until he's a year old. But that's just me. If my babies had a health issue like that and I didn't feel comfortible with how someone else treated it I wouldn't want him/ her to sleep over either.

Ally - posted on 03/12/2011

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Absolutely not being silly! There is not a chance that I would let someone that I had met a handful of times and lived an hour and a half away, watch my basically newborn child...and mine did not have the health issues that you have described. I'm a nurse and have see the nasty infections that can occur when a colostomy is not cared for properly..and infants are esp succeptible to infections. As for his sister...if i thought some 22 year old would be driving my 4 month old over to her friends house to "show him off" without my permission, hell would freeze over before she would be able to watch him. My mom lives 20 min away and mother in law lives about 8 min away and she was 21 months old before she stayed overnight with my mom and 26 months before she stayed overnight with my mother in law (and when she did she fell out of bed and broke her collar bone)! your instincts are right on...what we started doing with my mom/mom in law before we left ours overnight is we stayed at theirs house over a few weekends and went through the bedtime routine with them several times so they would know exactly how to do everything and so i could see them do it and feel comfortable. Maybe that could be an option..esp since you live so far away :)

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