OK quick question??

[deleted account] ( 8 moms have responded )

OK quick question?? I was married to my kids father and am still married but we have been seperated for almost 2 years. Our son passed away 4 years ago since then he went off the deep end. The Girs dad has not seen them since Jan 2009. He was in jail from jan till april 12th for his 5th DUI! So my question is do I try to find him and invite him to see his kids? I dont think I should have to hunt him down. We have a no contact order due to a drunken visit he made in October to the house. I have since then changed my cell phone # cause all he dies is harrass me and beg me back. He is now contacting me through email. But has not once asked about the kids. The emails pertain to how horrible I am and him begging me back, and how much he has changed and so on. So my question is should I have to remind him and chase him down to see his kids?? and if I dont does this make me a bad mom? I am unable to file for divorce right now due to it being to expensive. But it is very near in the future that I am going to have the finances to file.. the next chore will b finding him to get him served. Because he is allowed to know where I live but i am forbiden by him to know where he lives. So ant suggestions?

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Jenny - posted on 05/03/2009

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no stop lookin for him.if he wants to no his kids then he will find u and ask to have some time with him. but i think he wants u for one thing really. which aint fair for u. im a single mum.the father of my son ask me to give my boy up. i told him where to go. im really sorry about ur boy. never let him use u in any other way. just let it be u and ur kids, im sure u and ur kids are doin just fine without him. to me u sound like a great mum ur lookin out for ur kids

Kyle - posted on 05/03/2009

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If he is that much of a danger that you have a protection order, you probably already know the answer to your own question! Shouldn't he be in trouble for emailing you? If he did see you or the kids, wouldn't he be in violation? This situation sounds all too familiar, I had a co-worker who was treated the same way. If he's in violation of that order by emailing you report him. It's no good if you aren't going to report the violations. You are NEVER a bad mom for protecting your family!

[deleted account]

I dont think you should need to chase him down to , number one REMIND him that he does have kids, and two to actually see them. you cant force him to be a father if he doesnt want to be. you shouldnt have to do his part of the effort to get him to see his kids.... im going thru that with my daughters 'father'. for the filiing for divorce and you not knowing where he is or anything.... at least here, I believe that if you dont know an address they (them being the court lawyers and all them) find him and serve him with the papers and all that.... dont quote me on that but i believe thats how it works here..

but yeah don't make his part of the effort for him, it sounds bad, and i know some places do the entire 'a bad father is better than no father at all' kind BS in court, but honestly its just gonna hurt your kids even more if hes coming in and out of their lives, drunk and saying how horrible you are and everything.. I say just dont deal with him until you absolutely HAVE to (ex. the divorce court etc.) if hes not willing to put the effort to be a 'father' to your children.

thats just the way i see it tho.. good luck!

Anna - posted on 05/02/2009

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you are tollaly doing the right thing. more moms need to protect there kids. you are doing a grate job keep it up :)

[deleted account]

I totally agree with the both of you, Rachel he knows where I am at because this is the house we lived in whem I kicked him out. I totally agreee with the fact that I should know where he lives but in all honesty I dont care.. We have been seperated nearing 2 years and I have never been happier. Samatha I use to give him random drug tests, and he failed 2 in a row and I made him leave. He got so desperate the last drug test I gave him he tried to squeeze my daughters diaper into the cup, so i took the cup away from him, and told him I was gonna have to watch him pee now!! Things got really bad that night after I told him that. I have no desire to be back with him. We are over for sure. Where this is all coming form is I was reading another post about should u let your kids see there dad. And there was jsut tons of bashing back and forth about whats right and whats wrong in letting the dad see their kids. I feel what I am doing is right. Some people may not.

Samantha - posted on 05/02/2009

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I would not allow him to see the kids until he sobers up and attends some AA meetings. In the mean time, its in the best interest of your girls that they not see their father like that.

Rachel - posted on 05/02/2009

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And if he emails you to tell you how horrible you are, then why would he want you back?

Rachel - posted on 05/02/2009

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I don't think you need to remind him about his kids, nor chase him down to see them, it doesn't make you a bad mother at all, just a mother who cares for what's best for them. I would definitely not take him back either, for me men never change. Just curious, why is he allowed to know where you live but you're forbidden to know where he lives? shouldn't it be the other way around?

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