Please help, I need advice.

Kristin - posted on 01/20/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I need advice, help, courage, anything! I have been married twice, I am 29 with a beautiful 7 year old daughter. My first husband was abusive towards me and in and out of jail/prison. He is the "sperm donor" to my daughter. He got locked up before she was born and didn't meet her until she was 17 months old. I gave him a shot to be a dad but that lasted about 2 months. I realized my daughter and I deserved better. And we found it with my current husband. He is a great guy, has helped me to overcome the many issues that I am still dealing with due to my ex. I am seeking therapy to help with those issues, but that isn't what I need help with now. I haven't been able to share this or ask for help with this for years, needless to say it is making me very depressed, and I will admit a little unstable. It's not good to bottle things up! I am not in love with my husband, I have never been in love with him and he knows this. We get along just fine, my daughter adores him and he feels the same about her. I want him to adopt her, we all do. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. I have mentioned this to him, trying to be careful with my words so I don't hurt his feelings more than I have to. I care about him a lot. But I married him because he wanted to, not because I wanted to. Just like with my first husband I married him because the law couldn't use me against him. I feel terrible about this and we just had a, I guess you could call it a discussion, a few weeks ago. He asked if I wanted a divorce and I said yes. Of course he was floored and couldn't believe it but I told him gently that my heart is no longer in this relationship. I told him he deserves someone that loves him like he says he loves me. Well he talked me into staying with him. More for him than for me again. We aren't intimate, he wants us to be but I just don't have the drive. I feel numb when I have to be intimate with him, I feel nothing. I have been faithful to him our entire relationship of 5 years married for 3 1/2. But now I have met a man, just a passing by casual conversation, "how was your vacation?" kind of thing, literally. But there is something about him that I cannot stop thinking about. I don't know the mans name but I find myself hoping to see him, willing him to be where I am so we can strike up a small conversation. The only thing I know about him is that his daughter goes to school with my daughter. I get the feeling that he hopes to see me as well because I catch him looking my way when we are across a room dropping our kids off. I know this is a lot but I have held this in for so long and have had nobody to talk to about it. I am a massage therapist, my husband makes all of the money. I'm still trying to build my clientele. I can't support my daughter and myself if he leaves us but I don't want to make him feel like I'm taking advantage of him. When we had our discussion i mentioned that I planned on leaving him this year but not until I saved money for both of us. I do the bills and I planned on using his money for him and whatever I make for me and my daughter. I'm sure that sounds cold hearted but I wanted him to be set as well. He deserves someone that will be in love with him. I'm just not that person even though he hopes i will be, or at least will get to a place where i might be. I know I am not in the relationship that I am meant to be in. But I don't know how to get out of this one without hurting him, his family and possibly my family. I want him to be happy but its not with me. I'm not happy and I don't want my daughter to see that you have to stay in a relationship for the other person. Everyone deserves to be happy. Please help me! I need advice.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2013

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Leaving or considering leaving any relationship whether it's for the best or not is going to be hurtful. But we live ONE LIFE. We don't always get second chances in life but we as humans NEED TO BE HAPPY. Follow your heart. I know that is so much easier said than done but you can't go wrong with that.

Leah - posted on 01/20/2013

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I have had my bad relationships in the past ...it can be hard to figure out what you need to do for you and your daughter ... i have three boys and my oldest .ashton says "mom i know youll make the right choice for me because you love me " ...in that you have to love your self and accept any choice or actions for those choices you make trust in your self ..for your self and your child i do hope it works out for you but no matter what happends keep your head up and even if it gets rough stay strong for her show her you dont need a man to make your lives complete but if he is a understanding man he will stay in her life and still love her even if your not together any more

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Kristin - posted on 01/20/2013

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I'm just not sure how and when I should make this decision to move on from this relationship. It's been so hard to consider especially without any advice from anyone. I've kept this to myself but I can't anymore. I just can't talk to anybody that I know, I don't want to put anybody in the middle of this. I know he will always be there for my daughter, he sees her as his own. I trust him to take care of her but when it comes to anything else I don't trust him. He has lied to me in the past and hid things from me. He's never been unfaithful as far as I know, and I don't believe he would cheat on me, but lately I find myself hoping he will so I can get out of this. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy, sweet, caring, he's taken care of my daughter and myself since we met. But I'm not attracted to him anymore, haven't been since the first time we were intimate with each other and that was in Sept of 2007. I could honestly say we have probably only slept together around 100 times since then and that could be pushing it. I've thought about cheating to see if I felt something with someone else but I can't do that to him. We are very distant and he knows that and respects that part of it could be because of my ex so he backs off. But I just want to get out of this so bad. I just can't take care of my daughter financially yet. Luckily I live in a house that belongs to my sister so rent would not be an issue but everything else car, insurance, phone, electric etc I wouldn't be able to cover. Not unless I found a roommate but then I run the risk of moving a crazy person in with me and my daughter. Do I wait until I can financially support us or do I tell him to leave and try to hang on as long as I can?

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