please help..sons father is seeking full custody?

Erica - posted on 09/24/2011 ( 93 moms have responded )

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My sons father was so emotionally abusive when I was pregnant and wanted me to abort I didnt so he just denied that my son was his, finally around 6 months he got a paternity test done. ive always allowed him to see his son but he rarely did. he controlled me he would ruin all my relationships and friendships when my son was 11months we decided to make things work we moved in together and he was so physically abusive and he is in the military and he would threaten me with his guns. that only last 3 months i fled and he scared me to come back.. while visiting he pushed me and took my son. the cops were looking for him and he avoided them, my son has never been away from me and his older sister he had my son for 6 days i got a temporary order but he got visitation i dismissed that case and he was left with no visitiation i got a noitfication from the city that they placed a no contact order on him and he cant come around me or my son that is just the pre trial hearing for dv and his hearing isnt til nov 1st. we have a custody hearing on oct 3rd what are his chanced of gaining full custody?he is hiring alot of lawyers and trying to exhaust me

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Shannon - posted on 11/18/2011

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Absolutely request from the court to order supervised visitations and a psychiatric evaluation. Don't agree to do the supervising yourself! Write a formal letter to the superior officer on the base to which he is assigned explaining the situation and asking for their help in resolving it. Make sure your letter is very well thought out, neat, typed, with no grammar or spelling errors- be professional and courteous. Document everything you do, and for Heaven's sake- DONT GO BACK TO HIM.

Kelina - posted on 10/30/2011

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if you can call do it. If not, go. Don't take that chance. If it has been moved then you can come back on the right date. Good luck!

Chatwattie - posted on 02/03/2013

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Once there is domestic violence involved there is no way he can have full custody.The court needs to protect the child the abusive parents so don't worry and just make sure every time he comes around u or contact you by phone as well call the cops and make a report so u can have it to back your case up in court trust me it will help.

Kat - posted on 11/07/2011

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i DONT believe anyone said him being in the military was a bad thing. ONly what I said was that since he is such an unsavory person, if she has to wait til he is deployed and take custody that way then she SHOULD DO IT! Just because you are in the military doesnt mean you are a "good person". And if THAT moment is her best chance to get custody then why not take it. I think you should reread what was said. Wow...We alll know that there are people in authority (police, judges, MILITARY and or RICH) that use that "status" or position to get over on the rest of us. My ex was once military too! He ALSO threatened me with a 9mm in MY house. While my daughter was less than 2months old. HE ALSO pushed me twice WHILE SHE WAS IN MY ARMS. Does that mean all of military are losers and bullys? NO i have another ex who has served in Iraq AND Afghanistan (got injured and is going back) and he is the sweetest guy! Although a lil messed up in the head now for doing that "duty"...i would trust him with my life and my kids! So please dont get all feelings on those of us who arent military. THEY ARE SCARY PEOPLE WEN THEY USE THAT AGAINST US! TRUST ME!

Destiny - posted on 10/16/2011

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How did your case go on Oct.3rd??? I went thru the same thing and trust me all judges know that kids belong with there mommys! I hope it went well!

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Nancy - posted on 03/01/2013

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They will put you on trial and try to make you look as bad as possible.There are no reports of violence against him from you.Go to his C.O.Even in the coast guard there is a c.o. You can see if you can talk to him.Let them know whats going on.He's already been ordered to a psych evaluation so that's something.I hope things keep going well for you.You may be able to get a copy of the unfounded complaint he filed about you through cps.That way you can show that he's now harassing you and using a government agency to do it.If there's any proof that he wanted you to abort the baby that may help too.Look for anything however small it may seen to you may actually be what you need.

Nancy - posted on 03/01/2013

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If you can print out these text messages that would be a big help.Plus if there's anything in there with a threat in it,that would help.

Nancy - posted on 03/01/2013

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Start looking for a lawyer who'll help you and possibly take payments if you can't afford it all at once.Have all documentation,any police reports,anything.Don't let him scare you.That's what he wants.He's trying to get you to back down.You have a baby to fight for so don't back down.My daughter looked for a lawyer who would wait for payment and found one.They are out there.Dig deep and find that strength.Not only for yourself but for your son.He doesn't have anyone to fight for him but you.Don't give up.

Wendy - posted on 02/25/2013

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Erica - posted on 03/17/2012

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his lawyer bad mouthed me brought up every aspect of my past they did everything and now I did everything with out a lawyer, its far from over but I can breathe for a little I got copies of polive reports, he called cps on me and they closed the case adn found nothing so i submitted that I submitted dr reports. and took my son to a hearing a speech place and he scored higher then average. I have worked my butt off but its been worth it

Erica - posted on 03/17/2012

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sry guys I have been so out of the loop running in circles over this situation.. well as of now he has court ordered dv classes for one year they ordered a full physch evualtion and he has supervised visits for three months at a center.. this is just temp our trial is in june. I also had to testify in his criminal trial it was the most horrific and most embarressing thing ive ever been put through.

Ashley - posted on 11/09/2011

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I have a very similar situation to you and my ex didnt recieve anyhting with my child. your situation is a little worse so if this judge has any sense he/she will give him nothing and you everything! just make sure you keep doing the right thing and stay away from him bc if you keep going back to him then they are going to see it as a grudge like you guys are fighting again and it will all be over in a few weeks. so just keep your distance from him take care of your kids and you will have nothing to worry about!

Jessica - posted on 11/07/2011

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I really don't want to hear that him being in the military is a negative against him. It is not. His behavior towards his child and his child's mother is all that matters. My husband has full custody of his daughter. He is in the military and I used to be active duty right along side him. His ex-wife just filed to try to get her daughter back, using the military against us. She was denied. The way the order was worded, basically said she was an idiot to try using that against us. Please do not use that against him. Only his horrible behavior and anything else he may have done.

Jennifer - posted on 11/05/2011

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Being that I have been through something similar I will tell you that it doesn't matter what type or how many lawyers he has, not only will they not take a child from a mother unless it is proven that she is unfit, but the nature of his job will also factor in since he is likely gone a lot. I don't know what state your in but most states have either help at the courthouse for people who are doing it on their own, but also there are a lot of mothers rights groups that have attorneys that help for free or very low cost, women in your situation. Good luck and I hope you get the help you need. AT the very least he will likely get visitation, but you need to log in one book, EVERYTHING that has happened with dates and times, and everything that happens in the future, calls, threats, abuse, anything. That is considered legal proof if it is all written down. Also, if I were you I would request a psych evaluation from the court and anger management from the court. The other thing I know coming from a military background is that the military has a very very low tolerance for that kind of behavior. You can call his squad leader and file a complaint and they take it very seriously, they also take child support very seriously. You need a good support group behind you and you need to stay away from him. Don't let him scare you into seeing him or going near him, that will just look bad on you and make the court think you really arent afraid of him, and that you even maybe made it up. If you have to transfer the child never go alone, always, every time take someone with you, if there is no one to take, meet at a police station or with the base police. Most abusive men escalate. Your duty as a mother is to protect your child, and his mother. I hope you get a decent resolution soon.

Carlie - posted on 11/02/2011

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You mean you aren't exhaused already?!! :) File a restraining order. File a bunch of 'em. File until your hand falls off, and then file until the other falls off. Take that to court. And when you tell the judge you filed 'em until your hands fell off, well then honey....that wouldn't be a lie, would it? Nope. Ok, so you dismissed a case? Yeah. I would NEVER do that again. The judge will ask you why you hesitated about that. Good question. Your dude sounds like he may have PTSD. My ex-husband was in the Army, and 18 months AFTER he came back from Iraq, he beat the snot out of me. I plotted and planned and became the person I never want to be again: I gave him everything, and I mean EVERYTHING he wanted from me-for two months: emotional favors, financial favors, and even sexually. Took me 2 months to plan and plot and slowly die inside while I waited for the EXACT moment. And when it FINALLY came....I left. I left him high and dry. And I would do it again in a heartbeat, if it meant my personal sanity and staying alive. I left with NO money, NO possessions, and NO plan for the future. Sometimes that's just what you have to do. I mention myself in your post, because my ex was military as well. People think military personnel, lawyers, cops, doctors, etc. don't lie, cheat, and/or steal. But they do. And they do, because they are human as well. They aren't above the law. They aren't above God. Having said THAT, I would find out if he has been treated for PTSD. This could be a factor in the judge CONSIDERING placement for custody. You would want the judge to CONSIDER anything and everything. And he will. But you need to give him something to consider. The more the better for you. I would also ensure you record the visitations, if they are still being allowed. In most states, as long as one person is aware they are being recorded, then it is admissable in a court of law. That one person can be you. He does not have to know. I'd verify that with your state laws and policies, however. I would also bring a witness or protector EVERYTIME you bring your son for a visitation with his father, your husband. Record your phone conversations. Save your texts. Save any filing paperwork with the police. Get copies of your cell phone records, showing any calls he has made to your number. Most cellular phone companies (like AT and T), will send you copy regardless, at no charge. My best advice? STOP HESITATING. It will not bode well for you with the judge to continue to do so. PRAY. If you are doing everything you can to protect your son-and yourself-then you are doing your best. Let him exhaust you. After 5 long years, I am exhausted as well. But recently, God answered my prayers. And let me tell ya......it was the emotional validation I had worked so long and so hard for. Sounds like you are trying very hard for your son-and you. Good for you. Your son NEEDS you to be the leader, because he can't be. YOU are giving your child a voice. I don't know you "from Adam", but if you are doing all the things you've mentioned so far, then I admire your determination. I admire ANYONE who is afraid to do the right thing, but does it anyway, knowing they are putting themselves at risk, but does it for the greater good. In this case, it's your son. God bless ya dear. I hope you get the resolution you need. :)

Krista - posted on 11/01/2011

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Ive been a little MIA some medica, issues withmy little one. But i was reading to get caught up on whats going on.not sure what your decision was for going to mediation but it can be a good thing but also a bad thing. I had to go three times cuz my ex was retarded and would agree to things then when we would go back to court he would change is mind but yes it helps you guys co e to an agreement at the same time i think he can just use it to try and get his way like just not agreeing to anyhting which does make him look bad. But the last mediater i saw gave me a booklet of different custody exchanges and said if we couldnt decide then the judge would pick. So if you do go to mediation make it all about your son they dont carw what you want you know your ex hasnt been around him abusive history ect. I think waiting for the judge to kinda make a decision like if you propose something and hope the judge will aprove it Its tough at this point because you have a dv hearing going on as well

Erica - posted on 11/01/2011

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He had his criminal trial for the dv today I guess they asked for a contunuance.. he was givin a deal if he pleads guilty.. so his laywer and him need more time to decide if he wants to plead guilty

Marci - posted on 10/31/2011

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I see that a lot of people have already talked about Legal Aid, which (at least where I live) will help you with Family Court if someone is trying to take custody from you. As far as where the case is heard, we just had this happen to us, because we moved, a new case was filed in the county we live in, the mom fought jurisdiction, and got it transferred back to where we are from, because the judge was willing to accept it, and they say that the other court has an interest in the case because they have previously presided over it. If you have everything filed in the same court, it would be hard for them to change it and move to a court that has never heard anything about this. It doesn't sound like he has a chance at custody, and if I was you, I would be asking for either no visitation for him, or at the very least supervised visitation so that your child stays safe.

Kat - posted on 10/30/2011

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WHATEVER u do DINT miss it! U could call first thing in the morning and ask the clerk if maybe they just hadn't taken it off yet. Could just be a clerical error or was too late to "delete" from that day. Otherwise I WOULD show up. U being MIA in court can NEVER bode well.

Erica - posted on 10/30/2011

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so i asked for a continuance of our court date tomorrow and they agreed to it last week she sent me a letter saying she continued it til 11/14 i checked the docket and it is confirmed for tomorrow?? what should I do?

Kyra - posted on 10/30/2011

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His chances of gaining full custody after he has been inconsistent and you have taken full responsibility for your son since he was born, is slim to none so dont worry about that. Please, Please, Please express your concerns of his past behavior towards you. The court needs to know this so that they make sure the child will not be in any harm while visiting his father. They may require him to take parenting classes, anger management or even have supervised visits! Good Luck honey bun, these custody battles can get ugly i've been there done that, so keep your head up.

Kat - posted on 10/29/2011

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Sadly they arent concerned with what he does to YOU. only to the child. Try to get evidence of his actions threatening the child's safety.

Kat - posted on 10/29/2011

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if you reject it you will look like you dont wanna cooperate. and you are prolly right. BUT they may think that YOU may reject and be trying to use that against you. LOL did that make sense? sorry.

Kat - posted on 10/29/2011

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YOU BRING UP AN EXCELLENT POINT. Is he on active duty? like CAN he be deployed at any point? if so that is ur ace in the hole! First i dont see him getting FULL custody, lawyers or not. you kan get a PD at the very least. Also, even if you have to wait til he is deployed that is your moment to head back to court to get FULL custody of our son. I have seen lots of news stories on soldiers (DONT GET OFFENDED BY THAT WORD PLS!) losing all custody of their children because they are deployed.

Rose - posted on 10/28/2011

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he wouldn't be able to have custody bc of his record and he threaten you with a gun and then be abusive i wouldn't let him i would get a lawyer and and tell come then

Cathy - posted on 10/25/2011

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not sure what state you are in but most judges usually try to keep the child with the mother unless the mother is unfit. If you have proof of his abusiveness I would gather it up and if there is anyone who seen it first hand. I wouldn't worry to much because the guy sounds like a nut and if all you are saying is true and you are a good mom doing the best you can gor you son and you have no bad back round with a good lawyer you should be fine. But if you have a back round or anything against you you should def get yourself a good lawyer. Good Luck!!! Wish you the best you and your son are in my prayers

Kelina - posted on 10/20/2011

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well with mediation things could get resolved a lot more quickly. You do however have to agree to go with the decision of the mediator and i'm not sure you can appeal it. I wouuld look into that though because i could be more wrong than when i thought the moon was made of cheese lol. Is the next custody hearing in your area? Could you possibly go anywhere to get some free legal advice? If he's willing to play nice it might be something to consider but i would be wary.

Erica - posted on 10/20/2011

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I recieved a letter via email from his attorney and they want to take the case to mediation.. what do you guys think I should do I think they want to do this because they feel they are losing?

Kristen - posted on 10/20/2011

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Based on what you said about him not having any kind of custody, he has no chance of getting full custody. In all the states I know about, the mom has to do some pretty hardcore stuff to lose custody of her kids.

Kristel - posted on 10/16/2011

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1. file reports, if you dismiss them they are useless to your case.
2. Have an excellent support system, you need your friends more than you need someone who will abuse and take not only advantage of you but your children.
3. Yes easier said than done, but you are a mother, you NEED to defend your children as well as yourself for your CHILDREN.
4. Make notes with details each time something happens, write the time, date and place, keep it in a journal.
5. Do not under any circumstances let him back in, abusers do not change, they change how they play the game to get back to where they started. You can not trust him and need to devote yourself to your children. If he is in the military you can file a report to his immediate supervisor or rank above him.
6. By filing a claim or report you are defending you and your children, whether it seems pointless or not, he isn't going to defend your side, and you need to.
8. Lawyer or no lawyer documentation will provide more solid evidence than his lawyer can about how he is not abusive.
9. There are support groups you can seek.
10. If you don't leave him and let him back in he wins. People have died from letting abusers keep tricking them back into their lifes, and their children also pick up their behaviors and have disorders from it, and a harder time with relationships. You need to be strong.

Priscilla - posted on 10/14/2011

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At the end of the day its about your child. Courts always want the child to stay with the mother so you already have that on your side. If you just moved, you have your new location on your side, because no one would want to see your child moving back and forth. In the meantime, just focus on your new life out there in Seattle. Check into school, apply to a few jobs, and that'll show that you are trying. But at the end of the day, it's out of both of ya'll hands, so as hard as it is, try to stop thinking about it. These things do take times, and there could be quite a bit more hearings. So don't let it stress you out because our children can tell when we are stressed. Put that energy into you and your family, and don't give him the satisfaction of getting you worked up. You having your parents there just show that you have a good support system, so look at it as a plus not a negative.

Kelina - posted on 10/14/2011

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probably because everyone has a different opinion and while you're getting a lot f support, it only takes one person telling you something discouraging to make you panic. I might suggest closing this thread and maybe starting a new one after the november hearing to let us all know how it went. TRy not to think about the hearing too much over the next bit. Just be with your kids 100% and try not to stress. there's nothing you can do but keep your ground, and keep calm. And if it makes you feel any better, while i was attempting to write this post, my son got hold of a thermometer and broke it and while i went to take it away from him, my daughter (10 months) got hold of the computer and slobbered all over! lol now i have a drool screen :)

Heather - posted on 10/13/2011

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You being his mother and him not really being there the whole time should play a big part. He may end up with visitation but I doubt that he will get full custody. I just went through all this with my ex. A year of family court. Feel free to message me if you need to ask anything or just talk. If I could give 1 peice of advice......STAY POSITIVE!!! :)

Tracey - posted on 10/12/2011

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Sorry Jasmine but he has to prove a constant and continuing change in circumstance with the mother since the inception of the placement of custody and not only that but also that the change is having a mental, physical, or emotionally negative effect on the child.

Tracey - posted on 10/11/2011

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Don't sweat this! He can ask for whatever he wants and pay as many attorney's as he wants to try to get, but in the end he will look like an idiot. You can not hide or deny the facts and, bottom line, even if he were a saint, he would have to prove you unfit to change custody. It is stressful, I KNOW, I'm going through it myself (but my ex doesn't have those issues, he just has no basis for a modification of custody). Let him do what he wants, don't argue with him because it will only stress you out. Let him try - that's as far as he will get!

Erica - posted on 10/11/2011

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so he had a hearing today in selah were the original nco was ordered and they dropped mason from the no contact order, but there is still a nco here were me and mason live. does that usually happen do they usually take the child off of the nco. and is that gonna be bad for me in out custody hearing?

Krista - posted on 10/10/2011

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Aww im soooo happy for you erica. I knew things would go welll again for the november hearing just be prepared with facts and prooof and stay positive and strong it will go your way i feel soo happy for you its so wonderful

Erica - posted on 10/10/2011

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ya he told me from the start if i didnt stay with him this is what he would do.. i wrote a very detailed declaration to the court about all past abuse, there is a no contact order he cant see me or mason, til 11/14 our next court date, what should I be prepared for on that one its our second

Priscilla - posted on 10/09/2011

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Im glad everything went well so far! They, being the court, might give him joint because he is still the parent and to the courts eyes may not be a risk to the child. But hopefully due to his past actions, he has to start off with supervised visitations, or no overnight, because I would be terrified that he would run off with the baby again. I hope everything goes well for you.

Kristin - posted on 10/09/2011

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I went through the same thing with my daughters "sperm donor", I call him that because he's never been a father. He was abusive to me, and I met a great guy when my daughter was 22 months old. He talked me into getting an injunction for protection due to the domestic violence I suffered while we were together. I went to an abuse shelter and filled out paperwork for the injunction, unfortunately you have to describe what was done to you in detail but the judge is the only one to see it. Tell them you are fearful for your childrens and your lives. I now have an injunction against my ex husband, I have full custody and he has no visitation rights. The abuse shelter also sent me to a free attorney that represented me at that hearing. Call an abuse shelter and see what they can help you with. The judge will be sympathetic to you because you sought help and want to protect your children from your ex. I wish you nothing but good luck and I just want to say that coming from where you are right now, it does get better!!

Cerise - posted on 10/07/2011

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He sounds like every other abusive dad out there. He has anger problems and he is going to try to always control the situation. Most abusers view their kid as a possession instead of a person. Super sad. Good luck to you.

Erica - posted on 10/03/2011

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ya i couldnt believe how bad his lawyer was..i literally said about three things and every case before ours every mother got custody

Danielle - posted on 10/03/2011

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that is so cool. im so happy to hear that :) i swear men are so stupid when it comes to these things. they think they actually have more rights than the mother and actually think they stand a chance against the mother its rediculous. but yea you absolutely have nothing to worry about with the next hearing so dont stress

Kelina - posted on 10/03/2011

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AWesome I'm so glad tohear that! I'm glad it went well for you, i hope the one in november goes as well for you as the one today did.

Erica - posted on 10/03/2011

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I went to my hearing today they put a no contact order on him here in my county and there is still one in the county he lives n he had the most horrible attorney in the world. and the judge pretty laughed him out of court. we have another hearing 11/14 and hopefully it goes the same way, I was more prepared then him and his lawyer.

Danielle - posted on 10/03/2011

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hi erica sorry i didnt get back to u sooner. but to prove ur unfit he has to have proof like pics and videos it cant be based on what he says its not proof. and its not easy to prove a mother is unfit.. this man i know was trying to get full custody of his kids becuz the mother tried commiting suicide in front of the kids and she is a druggy and the court still gave her full custody. u need to get a lawyer some way

Erica - posted on 10/02/2011

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hes in the national guard is that the same thing? hes trying to prove im unfit

Jennifer - posted on 10/02/2011

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If he's in the military he can not have custody. I had to leave my reserve unit because I refused to give up custody after my divorce. And in order to leave without a dishonorable discharge I had to prove my ex was an unfit parent.

Erica - posted on 10/02/2011

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NO i dont have a lawyer my hearing is tomorrow hes lied about EVERYTHING and I have text messages to prove everything.. I really would love your help.

Danielle - posted on 10/02/2011

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there are no chances he will get full custody. i jus went through a custody battle with my sons dad and the only thing he is entitled to is visitation nothing else. trust me in the eyes of the court the mother has full paternal custody. the most he can get is joint custody and even with joint the mother has the upper hand. our battle lasted over a year. it barely just ended last month and it started feb of last year. it is very exhausting so exhausting that there were times i wanted to just give in cuz i wanted it to all end but dont DO NOT give in. and dont be itimidated by all these lawyers he is getting. get yourself a good woman lawyer. my first lawyer was a man and a huge waste of 4000 dollars i dropped him by the 3rd hearing because he wasnt fighting for me at all so i got a woman lawyer who was very very good and actually scared my sons dads lawyer it was funny but in the end everything worked out. jus stick to your guns and do not lose your confidence. and especially with him being abusive and the fact he didnt even want anything to do with your son is a big red flag in the eyes of the court. you need to put all of the crap he is doing out there when you go to your hearing. do u have a lawyer? i would really like to help you cuz i have gone through this too

Andera - posted on 09/30/2011

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absolutely none, Courts tend to look to the mother for full custody unless the mother is a complete failure. But considering the fact that he's shown to be physically and mentally abusive and his history with the cops, and the fact that he's in the military, No dice on his side. I doubt he'll even get a decent state of visitation. You can push for him to have supervised visits with a counselor, even arrange to have him pay to see him every time he goes. You're the mama, you have nothing to worry about. :)

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