Problem with MIL...

Shelley - posted on 06/10/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Please help me... I have a severe clash with my mother in law... it has got to the point where I hate even the thought of her visiting or us going round to her house!

She is always making rude, and nasty remarks towards me as a mother! Everything I seem to do makes me an "over protective mother" even just down to checking my 3 month olds temperature to see if he needs a blanket while sleeping! She still mocked me!

I am a fully breastfeeding mother, who finds it hard to express right now as i seem to have issues letting down, so unfortunately overnight stays or even babysitting while we go out can't happen right now... but she seems to think that I am saying this as an excuse for her not looking after him! and that she would soon find a bottle from somewhere, but that is not what I want for him!

She remarks on my weight, on his weight too, by saying I over feed him... she asked me when i was gonna give up breastfeeding as I shouldn't be doing it as his age!!

She regularily tells him that we don't love him as much as she does!

But the WORST thing is when she has him for cuddles and he starts to cry... she says that she loves to hear him cry and refuses to hand him to me to be fed!!! it is like her cuddle with him is more important than being fed... she says to him that you can't be hungry, and stop looking for mummy! I have to physically take him from her! All of my other friends and family don't think twice about saying "off to mummy, you are obviously hungry!"

She tells this all to her friends in front of me to embarrass me on purpose, making out that i must have some screw loose cos he can't stay with her, saying... "she thinks I have never looked after kids!" yes you have looked after a kid 17 YEARS AGO AND THINGS ARE DIFFERENT THAN THEY USED TO BE... PLUS YOU ARE NOW IN YOUR 70'S AND DOWN A BOTTLE OF WINE EVERYDAY AND YOU WANT TO LOOK AFTER MY CHILD!!!! I am sooooo frustrated and depressed and don't know what to do!!! My partner has had words with her and nothing works... explainations as to why we do things this way, go in one ear and out the other!!! Please hlp me, before I put the woman on her ass or say something i might regret

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wow. she sounds alot like my mil though mine is crazy but in an innocent way....she does all that kind of stuff but in a fruitloopy way, so i can't call her on it....you have got to ignore her and stop going round there, for your sanity and health and protection of your bub! the way i look at it, is that she's your partner's bloody mother so he should make the effort to call her or see her, not you.
if all else fails and she can't keep her mouth shut i would definitely have a go at her.
good luck! i've kept this brief coz i could bitch all day ;)

Vera - posted on 06/17/2009

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God Only knows I hate my mother in-law as well & things got worse when we had our child. Of course with Sam being the only grandchild on both sides of the family, the grandmothers are in competition always!, Thank the lord that she wasn't my mother I would have turned to drinking daily if she had, Actually thinking about her makes me want to pour a drink! On the rocks! Its hard when you have relatives that you cant stand.. Most of the arguments between my husband and I have been about his family. I always told him, that if he cant get them in check they would probably be the reason we eventually divorced.... You have to find a good balance. My husband and I figured it out finally. The secret to In Laws... MOVE AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE!!!.. It really works. Just visit once a year after you have already had a good ol' strong drink. And that way you still are looked at in the family in a positive light because your visiting and trying...=0

Toni - posted on 06/17/2009

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I think the best thing to do it come right out and tell her this is your child not hers and you have the right to do WHAT EVER YOU THINK IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. She can either stand behind you and do as you do or she is not going to get the chance to have those special times with him. I would be honest with her & tell her you will raise your child the way you feel best. It may not be the wy she raised her child but it is your choice as the childs mother to raise your child not her child. If that does not work then your partner needs to put a foot down. After all this is his mother not yours. Until he sets things straight things will never change. GOOD LUCK!

Guggie - posted on 06/11/2009

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oh dear that is a tough situation because clearly she is being disrespectful and even borderline abusive, but on the other hand you want to respect her and not bow down to her level.



i recommend reading the book '''toxic inlaws" for insights on what to do.



one thing you can do right now is begin setting boundaries.

Brigitte - posted on 06/11/2009

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Put her on her ass. Make a list of things she does that seems abusive to you, then make sure your husband is on board. Tell her very politely that you do not appreciate her behavior, and that if she insists on doing these behaviors you will refuse her a visit. Each infraction equals one less chance to see her grandson. She will respond wiht extreme anger and accusations. Do not give in. This is called setting boundaries. It is extremely difficult, but since I have an abusive MIL, too, I understand. You ARE ALLOWED TO DISAPPROVE OF HER. As your children's mother, you are their guardian, and their well-being supersedes her opinions and preferences. Choose to accept her bad reactions, but refuse to allow her bad behavior in your home.

I must stress politeness- otherwise your responsible requests will seem like emotional blackmail. If she cannot respect your rules for people who will be touching your child, she is not a safe person to be around, and therefore she will not get to see your children.

Brigittassen.

Mel - posted on 06/10/2009

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and dont forget that you as the mother know best and dont feel pressured into doing something and dont let anyone talk you into doing something that you are not comfortable with

Mel - posted on 06/10/2009

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all i can say is she sounds like a very lonely lady. alot of older women do this when their life isnt complete and they need something to do with their time and they cant seem to help themselves. i think Kylie is right though cut ties if she doesnt change then maybe she will realise what she is missing out on. i remember my baby was fussy with other people for a very long time and the first time my cousin held her she just said no your not going back to mummy ive had 6 kids i dont give a shit you can cry all you like. she didnt realise my daughter couldnt afford to be throwing up her feed because she was underweight but she still keep lettng her scream she took her to her neigbours place one of her friends and she think up all over her floor. i know my partner didnt say anything of course because she is my cousin but he wasnt that happy that she had lost the feed we had worked so hard to get her to keep down. anyway good luck with her but realy she sounds like she doesnt deserve to be a part of your sons life

Kylie - posted on 06/10/2009

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if you and your partner have both told her straight out her attitude is hurtful and over bearing then the only thing you can do it cut ties. Your immediate family is top priority, she sounds like a nutcase and its probably safer and less stressful for you and your child to tell her to stay away because she is not needed or wanted. It sux you have to take it to that level but it's not your fault.

Melissa - posted on 06/10/2009

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I vote for put her on her ass! Lol I would lose my mind if I were in your shoes. If she can't abide by your wishes on how you would like your child to be raise then she doesn't get to be part of his life. She had her chance to do things her way back when she had her son, now it's your turn. I have issues with my mother in law as well but I just mostly think she's a drunk who doesn't have a clue. Can't stand her to be around my son but I deal with it for now. Best of luck!!

Kate CP - posted on 06/10/2009

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I agree with Jocelyn: stop visiting her. He's your son and if she's can abide by your rules she doesn't get to see him. Period. She can call you a bitch all you want and just tell her to shove it. If she doesn't like it she should listen to you and let you be his mom and stop insulting you. Does she think this will improve y'all's relationship or something? The way some women act is totally beyond me. Blah! I don't like this woman and I haven't even met her!

...yea, I'm on my period. Sorry. :/

Jocelyn - posted on 06/10/2009

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well the moving idea is a start! but i say just stop letting her visit/ visiting her. as a grandmother she has no rights to your son at all, so she can make all the fuss she wants over you not letting her see him, and there is really nothing she can do about it, except maybe realize she needs to shape up!

Shelley - posted on 06/10/2009

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I know... sounds god huh? lol!

Funny thing is, when I was pregnant, we were like best mates! but now... i just can't stand her, she is coming round later too and i am thinking of pulling a sickie so she doesn't turn up.

I just find it hard to believe that something that should be and is sooo magical is turning into a nightmare!

Will try and have a word again defo... so thanks for the advice... slapping did seem like such a good idea at the time! :)

Corinne - posted on 06/10/2009

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rant away! you need to vent! thats what these forums are here for! juststart being very firm with her and, like a 2 y/o, tell her the consequences of her actions if she doesnt straighten up! i still vote for the move idea! hehe jk

Shelley - posted on 06/10/2009

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I swear she is a fruitloop though! I caught her implying to him that she was his mother... and the looks she sometimes gives him creep me out... like she is jealous that I have him and she doesn't, she can't even talk to him without having her face an inch away from his a tickling his bottom lip with a dirty unwashed finger! I tell her to wash her hands first and she just laughs at me... but apparently, i am over reacting and I am pathetic according to her!

Sometimes I feel like just packing up and running away from everyone... why can't i be free to be a mother to my child how I want to be?

Who cares if I am making a rod for my own back by holding my baby when he cries or wants to play?

God, i had better stop ranting or i will soon start to sound obsessed as much as she is!

Ashley - posted on 06/10/2009

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My mother in law tries the same things only not to that extreme she tells me what to do most of the time and with my first son she called me a bad mother and i told her that she needs to back off if i wanted her opinion i would have asked her for it. As for your situation i would say to her until you can respect me and the way i am raising my son i dont want you around him or me.

Corinne - posted on 06/10/2009

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LOL oh my! you poor thing! iwish i could relate to you but my MIL rocks! i actually have kinda sort of similar probs with my mom though! thankfully she lives in TX and im in WA now! the only thing you can do is completely express how you feel and everything to her one more time! talk to her like shes 5 if you have too! how it makes you feel when she does things or says stuff, etc! also reassure her she will have plenty of gma moments soon enough! you wont breast feed forever, and anyone knows this but maybe she needs to hear you say it! if she refuses to listen then you can resort to tough love! let her know that ifshe doesnt start respecting you as a parent and listening to you, she is no longer welcome! its going to be damaging to you and your family if she continues the way she does! truely, i would be mean enough to pack up and move a few hours away! lol im so sorry you have to go through this! dont stress though..youknow its you and YOUR (of course hubby) family and no one elses! so tuning her out and letting it roll off your back is always a good idea!

Leanne - posted on 06/10/2009

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can i just say wen i had my 1st my mother in law then tried 2 ave my son off me by sayin that i was an unfit mother but it was cuz he went in 2 hospital wud neva off tried as wen i had my 2nd he was a happy child n neva went in 2 hospital so no trouble but wen i had my 3rd she went in 2 hospital n thats wen the shit started 4 a couple off months i had the kidz taken off me cuz off her only tellin u this so 4 u 2 b careful so watch out n dont trust any1

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