Problems with Marriage(a long and jumbled rant)

Victoria - posted on 06/16/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I am a 20 year old stay at home mom to a one year old little boy. My husband is a regional sales manager for ADT Security. Thankfully my husband has been blessed with a job that allows him to be at home with us for most of the week, given he takes numerous calls throughout the day to deal with work matters. I haven't had a job since high school and we got married shortly after I graduated, and was pregnant shortly after that which resulted in me not furthering my education. I know that in a marriage it takes work but I feel like I am the only one working on it. I wait hand and foot on my son and husband and if I ever ask anything of the hubby, he gives the smallest possible amount of effort. If I ask him to put our son down for a nap he will lay next to him in bed then let the baby get up and out of bed and will only give me the excuse that the baby wants me therefore leaving me to drop what I'm doing to put our kid down as my husband lays in bed fiddling with his phone. When stuff like this happens I get so mad that I just want to go ballistic but I hold my tongue and do what needs to be done because after all it is my job. My job is to keep our home clean, our child taken care of, and food prepared and served to us all. What bothers me about this is that I am always criticized for what I DONT do. If I take a day off from housekeeping and just lay in bed all day with my boy, the only conversation I get out of dh is "so I see you haven't done anything today." Or if the house is a mess when he does leave for work he never forgets to say "make sure you pick up the house a bit okay?" Even when our house is completely clean he will walk around and tell me what a mess out home is (it is small so everything always feels cluttered). I feel like I am not a wife to him, but a servant. A servant, and a mother. When we decided to get a dog we had agreed that it would be my responsibility to clean up his poop and it would be dh's responsibility to take him on walks and exercise him, seeing as he is a huge dog and I can't control him. But he hasn't payed any attention to the poor dog in weeks. He never does what he says he is going to and I am always stuck picking up the slack. If I ask anything of him I will get a response like "yeah hold on" and it never happens OR I get a childish pouty face and tone saying "but I can't, I don't know how". It is so frustrating living like this. When is comes to sex the only problems we have is that I'm expected to give it up when he wants but anytime I want it when he doesn't I NEVER get any. I feel like my needs aren't important. I feel like I am not important. I don't matter and my feelings don't matter. I can never tell him how I feel because he makes me feel selfish and stupid for feeling that way. We have only had a true heart to heart about these issues and the conversation ended with if I'm not happy then I need to fix it on my own because he is happy just the way things are but he can't be expected to be with someone who isn't happy with him. I don't have a plan b if we were to separate and the only home I would be welcome in is his mothers, and how would I explain to her that I left her son because he is a horrible husband. Some days I want to pack up and leave and some days I am happy to be a housewife. Either way this vicious cycle repeats and repeats and I can't do a thing about it. Rant over...

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Victoria - posted on 07/09/2014

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Thank you so much for your encouraging post Eliza! It's so encouraging to know that I'm not the only woman that is/has been going through something like this.

Eliza - posted on 06/26/2014

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It's very admirable that you do not want to give up on your husband and your marriage.
Many young people nowadays give up at the slightest notion of trouble-or even before that. I'm 21 and my policy is that once I said 'for better or for worse', I'm in it for good.
If your husband is not physically abusive or showing any inclinations towards violence and such, I think that what you are doing is good. Starting out with small things, having lots of patience considering his upbringing and telling him what he does well.
Your advantage is that he's only 25. My husband's 45 and he still managed to change some of his habits and adapt to our marriage- despite saying he thought he couldn't ;)
My greatest strength, though, was that he was very open with all of his bad sides. I knew that I was supposed to deal with cooking, cleaning and all the 'woman stuff' waay before I married him. So, I entered the marriage with realistic expectations and in the end (though it's never really 'the end', it's just constant adapting to each other and constant, everyday learning) it turned out even better than I'd expected. :) It helped a lot that I didn't beat myself up much over his bad habits and however my efforts turned out, I was not disappointed.
So, if you knew what you were getting into(to put it so) and he isn't being abusive, the mature thing to do is definitely what you already are doing. :)
I am kind of used to to the woman being the one officially in charge of all the housework, too. That doesn't mean that the woman always really does all of it. What I'm trying to say is that, if you're, for example, washing the dishes and in a hurry to get to the store, ask him nicely; "Darling, could you please pick up the baby so I could get to the store in time to buy ingredients for your favorite dessert?" He'll get used to it eventually.
Oh-and about the intimacy. Old-fashioned/traditional men often seem to like traditional stuff such as candlelight, high heels and sexy underwear xD. You know your husband best, though. And I don't know if you can pull that off with your kid around. Our son is, so far, a good baby who goes to sleep at nine.
Another advice I have is trying to focus on family fun moments. He should enjoy the child as much as possible - he'll probably warm up to changing diapers then, too. If he's at home often, try suggesting taking a walk together, watching a movie(or a football game, if that's what he likes - trust me, after watching a few games without any interest I actually grew fond of the game xD and men really hate when women complain about sports) .
I also forgot to add that most couples go through a rough patch after the baby is born and the husband loses some of the wife's attention. If he doesn't throw a tantrum when you spend the whole day relaxing with the baby, I think he's doing good, though. :) Better than mine had, at certain points. ^^

Michelle - posted on 06/22/2014

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I would be telling him that if he wants to save the marriage he will make the effort to go to counselling.
On the other hand unless he's willing to change, you will be having this conflict all the time. If his only example of marriage is the woman staying home and having the house perfect then you probably won't change his ways.

Victoria - posted on 06/22/2014

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I would love to go to marriage counseling, but my husband thinks that it's stupid to pay someone money to listen to our problems when we should be able to work on our own. It's complicated, that's why I am talking to someone on my own.

Victoria - posted on 06/22/2014

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We are not on the same page at all. In his head, marriage is the "old fashioned" way where a woman's place is to do it all with no help. I know for a fact that this is how his mother and grandmother have both lived their lives and they are truly happy in their marriages. However my side of things is exactly what you are saying. That a marriage is a partnership and that his behavior is unacceptable. But how can I lay blame on his actions if he has never seen a marriage function this way? I am really trying to stand up for myself and figure out how to let him know in a way that he will understand. In the past few days I have made him handle a couple things on his own like emergency bath time because the baby pulled his diaper off and was playing in his own pee and putting BOTH of our dishes away after dinner and rinsing them. Having a sour attitude about him isn't going to fix him and leaving him will only put the next woman he marries in a bad spot. I've been doing my research and have reached out to a professional since writing this post and instead of being pissed when he acts childish I tell him why I'm mad and what he did to hurt me and it always tell him that I appreciate the things he does no matter how small and sure enough he has been doing the same. I know I'm going against possibly everyone who would be reading this but I have hope that I can get to a better place in my marriage even if it is hard to do.

Michelle - posted on 06/20/2014

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I'm with Jodi.
I was married to a man that thought a woman's place was to do all the housework and have his meals ready and have sex when HE wanted. Note I said WAS, I was stupid enough to put up with the crap for 7 years though and then I finally came to my senses.
I am now married to a wonderful man who doesn't expect me to "serve" him at all. He does his share of running around with the kids, he does his own and the children's laundry while I work on a Saturday and even feeds them when I work late.
He knows how to use a vacuum and isn't afraid to use it either!
You don't have a husband, you have a Master and he is treating you like his slave. You are also now agreeing that you should be treated like a slave.
A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, it means BOTH parties are equal. Not 1 person has more say over the other.
You honestly can't say that you have a healthy marriage, not with the 1st post you wrote.

Jodi - posted on 06/20/2014

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Really? You think that is okay, that he told you your job is to "serve him"?

Three words: fuck that shit. If that's an improvement, I'm trying to understand why you even married him in the first place. He wants you to be a doormat. I don't care about the good, that's just unacceptable and as long as you make excuses for it, then you are allowing him to treat you like this. But hey, your life, your choice. If you think you can change him, then kudos to you. The statistics say you probably won't.

Victoria - posted on 06/19/2014

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He won't go to marriage counseling. And he is 25 and been on his own since 17 so he has had to take care of himself he just thinks that since he makes the money it's my job to serve him. He literally said these exact words to me yesterday.

It's so hard to tell the good along with the bad when your ranting like I was. He is a great man, just a not so great husband. Our 2nd anniversary was last week so we are still fairly new at this. When I think of how he was in our first year I truly admire his improvement. I just needed an outlet to release all my anger.

Michelle - posted on 06/18/2014

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It sounds like you need to go to marriage counselling. If he's young as well and moved from home in with your then he probably hasn't had to do anything as him Mum was probably doing it all.

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