problems with the ex need some help

Kirsty - posted on 07/13/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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my daughter visits her father but sumtimes she cums back in a state ie: clothes way too small, she's has extremly bad nappy rash and she ends up really naughty and has sleepin problems but if i ask wots goin on i just get told shes been fine and hes done everythin i asked. i really dont no wot to do. im now being told hes takin drugs i just dont no wot 2 do as my daughter has a bond with him and seems 2 enjoy goin 2 see him. does any1 have any good advice?

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Tana - posted on 07/13/2009

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You can always have their visitations monitored. If you feel he's been taking drugs and your child is coming back to you in a worse condition than when you dropped her off, then you have a reason to ask the courts if they would consider restricting his visitations to monitored visits. This way, someone who is in neutral territory (the monitor) and is only wanting what's best for the child can see what exactly is going on and make sure that your child remains safe and out of harms way.

If you can't do that, then ask someone in either social services or a counselor what you should do. If you suspect ANY drug use from your ex, especially while he has your child, then you should act on your gut feelings immediately. Even though their father-daughter bond maybe strong, you have to look out what's in the best interest of your daughter.

If you're packing a bag for her to take with her, just make sure to pack extra clothes to make sure she comes back with clothes that fit. If she's lashing out and acting naughty, it could be that there is no discipline at her Father's house and she feels she can do the same to you. The rash could be caused for many things, including lack of cleanliness of herself or her Father's house (the bed she sleeps in, the sheets they use, etc). Get her father's house inspected if you can, by yourself, or by the courts. If it's not up to code or standards, then restrict his visitations.

I hope this helps. Sorry if it doesn't.

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Hope - posted on 08/10/2009

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I personally don't think you should have to send anything to his house, especially if he doesnt help financially to begin with. I had a similar situation with my ex. I found out he was doing drugs. He had to have monitored visitation, but he was allowed to visit anytime. He didn't visit much at all the first 6 months, but the cleaner he got the more he visited and now he is able to take her to his house. At first he would ask for her diapers and stuff in her bag. Then I decided it was his responsibility to care for her for 2 weekends a month since I provide the rest of the time. I put a list of things she needed in her bag. if she was sick and needed med, i wrote down what kind. He gradually grew up and figured out how to care for her correctly. sometimes you have to play role as the father's mother and tell them how to do things and it MUST be done or they will never be responsible. Hopefully that helped.

Kirsty - posted on 07/13/2009

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hes actually living with his mam and ive spoken to her bout the way she comes back and i have recently gave him a bag of clothes that fit her but personally why should i give him stuff to provide for my daughter wen i dont receive a penny off him which was our agreement if he provided for her while she was there i wudnt want any money off him but i do appeciate every1's advice and veiws :)

Sara - posted on 07/13/2009

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Because you have to deal with this guy for a long time, I would be very cautious at my approach. Especially because your daughter seems happy and like she wants to go there. So, I would try to talk to him and provide more supplies, like clean clothes for the whole visit and food, if you think he is not cooking enough and more instruction as to caring for rashes, etc. If he does not start doing better, you might call his parents and ask their help, or his friends. If that does not work, I would probably call and talk to social services. They can help you determine if the situation is worth escalating. Above all, if you think your daughter is in danger, do not let her go with him and call social services. This is especially important if she comes back to you in a mistraeted state. Take pictures, write down a story of how she came back to you and immediately call social services!



Good luck, I would just be weary of hurting your relationship with him, if your daughter is just comming back dirty and not neglected. Good luck and super warm wishes!

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