Really Need Some Advice

[deleted account] ( 12 moms have responded )

My boyfriend and I just found out that his ex wife is pregnant. We have been discussing potential options for her scheduled visitation with their twin 5 year old girls (we have full custody of them). The girls' mother gets to see them twice a week for 4.5 hours each day. Currently the visitations are supervised by my boyfriend's parents at their home. Due to previous situations with her (threatening to bring guys to the house, threatening to take the girls, multiple arrests, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, etc.) we are concerned that the girls' mental and emotional states will be compromised. The girls are at a so-called "rough" age. They are 5 and just started kindergarten. They are developing into their own person. We are afraid how having a new baby around twice a week for a few hours will affect them. We have tossed ideas around about the girls speaking to a counselor but we still run the issue of what to do about the location of visitation and if we should allow the girls to see the baby.

We're wanting to do what is best for the girls. Any advice would be helpful.

Please, please help.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Szilvia - posted on 12/03/2013

23

0

7

I understand what you mean and thankfully the girls have you two who care and take everything into consideration for them. Unfortunately you can't control what she does and how she acts towards them. Even though she may not be perfect and passive she still is their mother and at least she is making an effort to see them. I would try to not worry because it is out of your control and I would maybe try spending more time with the girls yourself and do the things you think they are missing out on with their mother. One day they will be old enough to realize things for themselves but for now its not your place to judge her. Oh and I think counselling is always a good thing especially if you are worried.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

12 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

Yes. We came to an agreement with her last night. And since we are the custodial parents we have the right to choose what is in the best interest of the girls, which in this case, it is the following:

The mother must provide a drug test consecutively for the duration of her pregnancy, to a clinic of our choosing. If she misses a drug test or there is one with a negative result then visitation is cancelled until she provides proper contracted supervision through the state. If she does all her drug tests then visitation can continue at the current location; however the baby is not allowed in my in-laws' home (that was their choice). If their mother wants them to see the baby she must pay for visitation herself through a contracted supervisor. WE choose how visitation goes according to the parenting plan that was set out during their divorce and if we cannot agree then the court decides. It is notarized on court documents! And if she does not want to follow it then she can take us to court.

And I don't know what state you're in but the one I'm from does not allow for the courts to order someone to not have children. So no. It is not in the documents stating that she cannot have children or that all children do not get to see each other, but it does state:

Sole decision-making shall be ordered to the petitioner for the following reasons:

A limitation on the other parent's decision-making authority is mandated by RCW 26.09.19.

That limitation is this:
(a) Willful abandonment that continues for an extended period of time or substantial refusal to perform parenting functions

Point being...

We decide.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2013

3,562

36

3907

Oh, you mean you already came to an agreement with her since you posted your post 4 days ago? That's fine then. I was just saying, however, that if it isn't a legally notarised or court ordered document, she doesn't have to follow it.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2013

3,562

36

3907

Ok, well, if it isn't in any court orders, you don't have a right to dictate that she can't have another child and still have her visitation. You also can't control if she has the baby with her.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2013

3,562

36

3907

You know what? You need to provide that sort of information in your post if you want relevant answers.

However, you have still not indicated that the court orders say that her having another child is against those orders.

[deleted account]

Let me fill you in a little:

The visitation is not up to the courts, it states in the paperwork that we make the schedule, choose the location, and determine who is to supervise. We are able to limit visitations due to the fact that she has not complied with what the court stated when it came to her providing documentation that she did a drug test each month. In the last 3 years she has turned in 5 drug tests, 4 of them were forged. She recently moved to our town, which in the last 4 months she has lived in 5 different homes and has had 3 different boyfriends. Since she moved to our town she has had 6 different jobs and has missed 7 visitation days. The other home you are referring to is not hers, it is her ex-in-laws (they supervise the visitations), and they have opened up their home to allow her to make an attempt to keep a relationship with her daughters; however, the no longer wish to have her in their home after she told the girls that we no longer loved them or wanted them. We try to keep the image of their mother as good as we can, but she often provides them the information herself. She tells them each time she moves, gets a new job, a new boyfriend, etc. She has repeatedly told them lies about me and their father. She has physically attacked her ex husband in front of the girls, and yet we have still allowed her to be there. We have never said anything to the girls that has damaged their view of her. We make sure that any discussions are done after they have gone to bed or over text messages.

If she acted even slightly different we probably wouldn't have any issue; but she is so inconsistent that we have to check things out for ourselves, her social networking sites, jail rosters, the courts for court dates. She told us she was having surgery when she was actually going to jail for 20 days.

Now please tell me why is is perfectly okay for my girls to go through this from their own mother.

Jodi - posted on 12/05/2013

3,562

36

3907

How is this even your decision? The courts are the ones who decide this, not you. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with them having a younger sibling in the other home. Sure, it may disrupt their lives a little, but it would disrupt their lives if you had a baby too. They just have to get over it!! But you don't get to dictate whether they can visit or not, or whether they get to see the baby.

I am actually not quite understanding why they are at a "rough age" or how having a new baby around will affect the relationship. My stepson was 5 when I had our daughter and the relationship between us all was not an issue. No-one needed "counselling" over it. 9 years later, they are all perfectly ok!!!

I also have a son who knows not to "expect much" from his father. Again, perfectly ok.

You need to get rid of the cotton wool.

[deleted account]

We really do want what's best for them, but sometimes as a parent you're not sure what's best and can only hope that everything turns out for the best. We know that they will eventually need counseling, I just hope that this will be easy for them. We are lucky that our girls, even though they are only 5, they have an understanding of things and how they are. They don't know all the details as to why things are the way they are, but they know their situation is different and they do not expect much from their mother (at least they haven't in the last two years). It's really a sad situation that no one, especially children, should have to be in.

[deleted account]

The girls already have a hard time connecting with their mother, to the point where they often now refer to her using her first name. A big concern is that with a new baby around that the connection they still have with their mother will become even more disconnected. We do wish that they are able to spend time with their sibling, but we want to make sure that the time with their mother is focused on them. You see, their mother has issues with understanding what the girls need when it comes to relationships with certain people and how to handle them. She hasn't the slightest idea as to how each girl needs a different parenting style and that they no longer likes the things they did last year. In a way, their mother still believes the girls are still the babies that she was around before her limited visitations. Their mother is often on her phone and relying on movies and other electronics to keep the girls entertained rather than establishing a connection/relationship with them and really getting to know each of them. We know that a baby needs undivided attention, which we fear would take away from the little amount of attention the girls receive from their mother now.

Szilvia - posted on 12/03/2013

23

0

7

I think they should be allowed to see their sibling. I don't understand why bringing the baby around the girls be harmful to them, it could actually be a wonderful bonding experience for the girls and the baby. The children never did anything wrong to keep them apart. Not sure about the location issue but if the visits are working at his parents place I would keep them there if everyone agrees.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms