Should I feel bad that I won't let my boyfriend's mother watch our son?

Marri S. - posted on 12/17/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I sometimes feel guilty for not letting my boyfriend's mother watch our 4 month old son. For one, she is on heavy medication and I don't approve of that. I know how the medication makes you feel as I was taking some for my c-section. (I was a wreck) Another thing is that she sometime watches her other grandchildren, and she's always home alone, but if her husband is there he is usually sleep. He works 3 jobs and has a sleeping disorder, and that would be too much of a load for her alone. Anyways, she doesn't work, and I have no one in my family that stay's home 24/7, nor is my own mother around to help, so the only person left is her. She constantly nags that we're keeping her grandson away from her, but we've told her on numerous occasions that she's welcomed to come to our home to see him...but she doesn't. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm constantly hearing her tell me that she wants to watch him, but from observation, I've heard her complain about watching her other grand-kids because she's so tired or that she's in pain, so what makes her think I will leave a 4 month old baby with her?

She tries to test me all the time saying, "I'm gonna take him home with me," or "Pack his clothes so he can stay the night with me," and it pisses me off because she thinks my boyfriend is going to let her have her way as usual because he will do anything for her. Him and I have gotten into heated discussions about this because he feels that I just don't want his mother watching our baby, but I've explained to him my reasons, and he still doesn't feel that I'm being fair. We've talked about me going back to work, and every time it comes up that she will have to watch him while I work so we won't have to send him to daycare. Sorry to ramble on, but I've been torn to pieces about this, and I'm hoping he will understand.I used to love his mother from the beginning when we first got together, but now since the baby has been born, all she does is meddle and I've come to see how she really is. I sometimes say to myself that it will take for something to happen (hopefully not to my son) for my boyfriend to see what I'm talking about, but he always defends his mother. She so badly wants to be the grandparent that has more privileges in my sons life, and I really don't like that. So, should I still feel guilty?

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User - posted on 12/18/2012

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If she is on heavy medications and its something you worry about, that something could happen because of it, then go with your gut.
I would not do it myself. I have a different relationship with my MIL. I get along with her but there are things I do to avoid her watching our son too and I just think that after having a child, (it has to happen to everyone expecially me) that your relationship changes with your MIL. For me she acts like she wants to be his mom and does things against our parenting and for me being a new mother, my motherly instints hop in and Im all of a sudden really defensive. And BTW I think every man will defend his mom (for the most part), even when he agrees with you.

I think you are acting totally normal, you shouldnt feel guilty, you just need to find a routine that fits your family and something that will also benefit his relationship with her. You should get this off your chest now, or it will just keep building up an dget alot worse than it should. Just tell her the truth, lay it on thin because you dont want to get in an arguement, but she needs to know that this is how you feel, and you are going to do what you feel as comfortable. She or your hubby doesnt need to force it. You also need to talk to your hubby more and you two need ot find a level ground, he needs to accept this is how you feel and needs to be okay with that.And you two can work on it and find something that will make everyone happy.

She probably wants the best for him and will do anything for him, but it is a risk for anyone on meds.. People think nothing will happen but it can (God forbid). And sometimes people need to realize that and need to take the steps to avoid those things. Your babys safety is number one and you are acting like any other mom would do, protecting him. It seems like you do want her to see him but just not alone. Perhaps you and your baby can visit every week for a few hrs or she can come over and visit as well.
that way you dont have to worry, and she still gets the time with him they need together. Hope this gets better, dont worry you are not alone, this is very common

Amanda - posted on 12/18/2012

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I think it's fine. My MIL lived with us for about a year, she was nearly 60, slept all day and stayed up at night. She could barely make it up the stairs, couldn't pick up my kids, and she was also on a lot of medications. The only time I felt comfortable leaving my children with her was when they were already asleep for the night because all she had to do was listen for them. One time she planned to stay up the whole night with her visiting granddaughter, after she had already planned to watch my children in the morning, and I told her I didn't wan t her watching my kids if she wasn't going to get any sleep at all.
I don't think you should feel guilty about not letting her watch him, especially as he grows and becomes more adventurous. It may help her to feel more accepted if you visit her more often with the baby. She obviously wants to be involved (be grateful, my MIL is a complete waste) it may help your boyfriend feel like you're trying to make his mother more involved as well if you visit often.

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