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Should i let him see her or even tell her about him

[deleted account] ( 106 moms have responded )

Ok i need some advice and well ive talked to my family but thought id see what others have to say. My daughter is 9 1/2 years old I had her when I was young but her dad I got married summer of 2001 before she was a year that didnt even last a year by January of 2002 he was sending me divorce papers since he was over seas in the army. In the divorce agreement he put that he was in no way her father and I was to have full custody of her. I was fine with that although i knew it would be hard. I met my now husband that same year and hes been there for her ever since. Her biological dad tried once or twice to get in touch.Well now he says after so long that he has right to see her and around the 20th he will be here and wants to see her she knows nothing of him yet she was to young to remember him and the way he treated her thank god. Should i even tell her she loves my husand and has called him daddy since a few months after we met. And even if i tell her it will confuse her and still another question does he have any right to see her she has my maiden name and hes not even on her birth certificate. Im scared of what he may do when hes down as i dont know what he looks like anymore or what the new wife looks like either. Some one told my husband he should call him and tell him hey you had your chance you lost it shes happy now and well taken care of so please dont interfear with us. Is that even a good ideal i dont want to do anything that could mean him trying anything stupid. Please any opinion or ideals are welcome

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Rachelle - posted on 06/13/2010

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First of all, this is just my opinion but I would NOT let him see her. Sperm does not make a man a father. She has a father, Your now husband. Second he has no rights. He signed them over a long time ago. He would have to go to court to even see her and that would take a long time and still, chances are they would not allow it, as his choices were made a long time before. Your daughter is too young to be made so unconfortable with a man she doesnt know. I would not even speak with him about it or have your husband speak with him. He is just a stranger to your family at this point. When your daughter is 18, let her make that decision but as for now, you have your family and he is not part of it. If he does get a hold of you, I would just say now you can not see her or speak with her and if you dont except that then get a lawyer. . Hope this helps

Nina - posted on 06/16/2010

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I was in this same situation as you were just last summer, my boyfriend of 7 years has been there since my daughter was 6 months old and she calls him daddy. my ex my daughter's dad called and said if we don't do it the easy way that he would drag us thought court. So I did tell my daughter about her dad and things are ok. tell your ex that you want to talk to him about what he want's before you talk to your daughter. and how I told my daughter is I told her that my boyfriend chris is her dad but they dont have the same blood and that rob is her dad to and they have the same blood. and after I told her all that I asked her if she wanted to see him and if she didn't that was ok. and I know your situation is different, and wish you luck and hope all is well!

[deleted account]

yes i still have the divorce papers and all the mean letters he sent saying he would never be her father and what not i kept them for this reason. ANd yes i know she needs to know i already planned on telling her some time this summer

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2010

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I would tell her.I wouldnt keep a secret because she will find out eventually and it will hurt her.I kno someone who is 25 and just found out her dad isnt really her dad.She was devastated. I would tell her the truth and ask her if she wqants to see him. Or maybe you should start with a phone conversation. He is her biological father whether he is on the birth certificate or not so I think that he would have a right if he took u to court just saying. You dont want it to get ugly especially since you dont know him anymore.And if your daughter really doesnt want to see him then you should tell him that right now she is dealing with the news that her dad isnt her biological dad and she doesnt want to see him and needs her space. If he doesnt understand that he doesnt have her best interests at heart. Well just a suggestion

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[deleted account]

hi, i am 21 years old. i was the child in this experience. i've always known that my biological father was never around for my mum during her pregnancy with me, and even denied that i was his child. i was born in 1988, his name was not put on my birth certificate and my mum and i were happy. she married my step-dad when i was 2, and they had a child and later divorced when i was 8. my mum then remarried when i was 10 and took on my older step-sister as her own. we emigrated from england to australia i late 2000 when i was 12. in june 2004, at age 15, we found out my biological father was looking for me. as we had many times before, we sat down and talked about it. even though it hurt to know that he never wanted to know me, and he didnt love me, i was still curious. i wanted to meet him. maybe it was to see what i had been missing out on. i travelled to england in march 2005 and stayed with family and met him. he finally put his name on my birth certificate. i was 16. i found out i have 2 brothers, and he was expecting a boy with his new girlfriend, my mums ex best friend whom he later married. i saw him a handful of times and then he stopped returning my calls and messages. his curiousity was satisfied. it hurts to know after all this time he STILL doesnt want to know me, and he STILL doesnt love me or care about me. but i'm glad i met him and had the oppurtunity to be burned so badly. everytime i think about him, i feel the pain. i makes me not want contact. it makes me happy to not know him. and if he ever makes contact again, i will tell him to f*ck out out of my life because i don't want to know. he got his second chance and he blew it. the first time it wasnt about me, it was about him and my mum. the second time it was abot me. and i wasnt what he wanted. i had a brain and questions and opinions he had to answer to and he didnt like it.

so that is my story. the reason i shared this with you is because as much as it will hurt, she has a right to know. your husband loves her and she loves him, but if she finds out that she has "another" dad and that he tried to contact her and you didnt tell her she will only hold it against you. she will go looking for him against your wishes when she's older, and you wont have any way to help protect her. at least now you can be there if/wen he screws up.
she will see her birth certificate some day and ask why her dads name isnt on it. how will you answer that? is it going to be an outright lie?
wat about if she has a medical emergency and she needs a donor organ or blood and you and your husband arent a match? i recently found out i have a different blood type to my mum, so i must have my fathers blood type. so noone in my family can donate an organ or blood to me as im the only one thats different.
what if a family member says something?

i would tell her about the situation and let her at least have a say in the decision that is made. this isnt about you and your husband or your feelings. it is about your daughters feelings and her future

i hope this helps, and good luck with whatever happens

Noel - posted on 06/19/2010

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Protect your baby...I always say mama knows best. He obviously didn't want to have anything to do with her, she is still too young to be approached with such an adult situation. And thank god she has a loving father in her life. If he is trying to get in contact with her now it is only to pacify his guilty conscience, he is not thinking about her best interest which makes sense because he wasn't thinking about her best interest when she was a baby. Maybe when she is an adult if she wants to have anything to do with him she can make that decision for herself. For now, why not just let her be a kid, enjoy he childhood with her loving mother and father(you and your husband). This is just my opinion,though...remember, mama knows best. God Bless you and your family.

Jaime - posted on 06/19/2010

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Well, coming from the same situation I can tell you it's a very difficult thing for a child to know that her father didn't want her. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad (step-father). He's been there since before I can remember. But it still really hurt knowing there was a man out there who didn't want me, didn't want to love me. Didn't even care to try. News like that will change your daughters life forever. And you would have to tell her that in order to explain who the man is and why he was never around. She's 9 so she knows what questions to ask. It's your job to protect her and this situation is going to be hard! But for her sake I would deny your ex any visit with your and your husbands daughter. He has no rights. By law, your husband is her father in the courts eyes. He's been there since the beginning, payed the money to raise her, invested his heart and soul into her, and most importantly to the courts, he's the only father she's ever known. Not to mention he signed any and all of his rights away. A judge is not just going to allow him to waltz right into her life. His only priority is your daughters safety, and not just physical but emotional and mental as well.

[deleted account]

Ok thank you all for all the opinions so far i have not told her i just dont know what to say and what details to give her or leave out. The closer it is to him being intown the harder it seems to get i cant even sleep lately i keep having dreams due to the fear of him trying to take her while he is in. I know i need to tell her soon because it will all be worse if he does show up out of the blue and tells her himself. The thing is how and what info do i give i mean do i tell her that he denied her when i was pregnant came back before she was a year saw she was his we married and within 6 months he was gone again due to being over sees and i wasnt about to get on a plane was right after 9-11-2001 so he said he had met another girl and she was preg with his baby and that my daughter was never his to begin with. What parts to i tell her i dont want to leave something out and her get mad later that i didnt tell her. Im so confused on this i knew it was coming but all so fast. 1 day till he is in town and here i am the one with all the worry the one who has worried about her for 9 and 1/2 years along side of my husband who in my eyes is her daddy. He the one that when she has been sick hes rushed her to the er with me and set there knowing he had to be in at work with in a few hrs. Ok im starting to rant not how i intened this reply to go im just frustrated confused and pissed off all at once and sleep deprived and kids are asleep so now is when the anger comes out.

As i said at the beging thank you all for your opinons and input from your own experiances. I really do appreciate it all

Jessica - posted on 06/18/2010

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It is definitely a topic you need to discuss with your daughter but let her decide if she wants to see him on a supervised visit. Maybe meet up at a nearby park or another casual place. I would suggest having your husband talk with him to clear any anger or mixed emotions... men do that easier than women!! He can clarify the fact that this is ONLY for your daughter's sake and yes, she is happy now, but we also want her to know the truth and give her the opprotunity to make an informed decision. Since everyone in the picture has matured and is an adult, except for your daughter, this should be kept low-key and in the best interest of you daughter. Trust me, if you don't tell her and she finds out when she is older, it could be really bad and cause major issues!! Best of luck...it should be fine. Just be happy that he has finally grown up and wants to be a part of your precious daughters life. We only live once!!

Louise - posted on 06/18/2010

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He is her biological father even though your husband is her daddy! Think about if it was you. How would you feel if you found out that your dad wasn't your dad and your mother never told you.

Maybe the biological father could be an 'uncle' for a bit or something.

Kristel - posted on 06/18/2010

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In terms of legal rights if he renounced his paternal rights then no, and if you have FULL custody you have the right to say no. People overseas have a hard time in general, what they don't realize is they hurt others too when they are hurting. I personally think it is not a good idea for your daughter til she is old enough to understand. If he has not provided for her he is not a good father, and if he hasn't seen her, he's definately not worth seeing almost a decade later.

Lauren - posted on 06/18/2010

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This must be very difficult for you huni and the way he treat you was discusting, it is also totally out of order than he abandoned your daughter. That said, you must think about your daughter here (which im sure you are) and not about him. I personally thik your daughter is old enough to kind of understand.

Sit her down one day and explain to her that things didnt work out with you and her other Daddy and he has been away for a long time but now would like to meet up with her. Dont go into massive detail and dont demonise him (im not saying you would but after what he put you through it will be hard not to). Tell her it dosent change that Daddy (your husband) is still her daddy. If she dosent want to met her biological father then there isyour answer, tell him you have discussed with your daughter but she isnt ready for it but if he gives you his contact details you will give them to her if she ever changes her mind when she is older. If she does want to meet him then I think it should be supervised by yourself or a more neutral trusted person and there will be rules for him such as no bad mouthing u cos u didnt to him, dont push your daughter to call him daddy or dont expect too much as it is a lot for her to take in and he is just to keep it casual.

You could always ask the school guidance counselor to keep an eye on your daughter or for advice.

I dont think your partner should call him and tell him to stay away because all he will do is puff up his chest and battle to see her for his male pride.

I know it would be easy to tell him to get lost and after the way he has treat you he totally deserves it and id prob want to do the same but your daughter is old enough to understand and i feel deserves the truth.

Whatever you decide im sure it will be the right thing for your family because the fact you are even so worried about it proves your a loving mother.

ps just remember if you dont tell her about this and her father fights for her through court there may be less chance to explain to your daughter and it will me a lot more stressful for her that way.


good luck darling xxx

Venetia - posted on 06/18/2010

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My "donor" did the same thing to my mother, only he left her for another women. Personally i dont think its a good idea to let him see her. When i was 10 my dad decided he wanted to meet me, i got to meet him and his wife, it was the worst experience i had in my life. your daughter may be old enough to understand alot, but to throw a man, who remind you said shes not his daughter, into her life is a bad idea. shes happy with your husband, he is her father. Its up to you to tell him he has no right, he gave that right up when he sent you the divorce papers. I would give anything to have not met the man that hurt my mom so bad. He did do the same thing, only he had a DNA test done when i was 4, i still remember that day...and now i feel he had no right to ask for that much less ask to see me, after 10 years of not having anything to do with me!

[deleted account]

If he gave up his parental rights in the divorce, he has no right to see your daughter. when she gets older i would tell her about her dad but she is too young now to understand so i wouldnt put her through the pain and confusion. take a vacation or something when he is going to be in town.

Patricia - posted on 06/18/2010

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I am not in that situation but maybe you should tell her about him and see if she wants to meet him. if she says yes then make rules like he can't see her without you until you are comfortable with it.

JENNIFER - posted on 06/18/2010

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i would have to say have your husband adopt her. so even if your ex decides to come back into light then everyone knows who your daughters' father is. your ex may have donated his sperm but he was not man enough to handle the fact he was a father, like it or not. giving birth & having a child is the hardest thing we do as women & if the guy you are with at the time isn't man enough to step up & help you and your child out then i say screw him. have your husband adopt you daughter, make it legal so god forbid if he is a shady man he can't do anything. then i would say meet your ex see what conditions he is in before you let your daughter walk into it. i would say you meet his new wife as well, if anything happens she'll be around your child which means you need to approve. then if you want to let your daughter know whats''s what & let her decide, she may not even want anything to do with him, but she may want to meet him. i think she has the right to know but then again i personally would be worried of what effects it'll have on her. this man comes out of no where saying he's her father, then if things go well, she needs to worry that her "real father" is going overseas. it's hard, good luck. but def have your husband adopt your daughter.

Melissa - posted on 06/18/2010

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Hey! In my opinion I would tell her, she will really be hurt one day that she was never told the truth of her "father". I don't think your husband should call him. I would let the ex know that right now is not a good time in ya'lls life for him to see your daughter. I would let him know that he doesn't deserve to see her being that he denied her all of these years. He isn't her daddy, anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a daddy!! I wish you the best of luck, remember to be very honest with your daughter, She will soon be old enough to make the choice of talking to her father or not. I can almost promise you that she will not want much to do with him!

Danoaxtell - posted on 06/18/2010

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He's not on her birth certificate, so he has NO rights. Your daughter is happy now and still at a young age where all this will confuse her. It's not healthy to let him in, and then once again he will most likely walk right back out of her life. He did have his chance!!! He chose not to be a part of her life!

Sarah - posted on 06/18/2010

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He chose to not be a part of your daughters life when he wanted a divorce. He shouldnt be allowed in her life.
But... If your daughter wants a relationship with him then you should respect her decision.
If i were you, i'd assess my daughter to see if she was emotional stable for this sort of news and change. I'd also seek legal advice to see where i stood. If your daughter is emotionally stable (every child is different so although some people are saying she's old enough to take it board, she may not be because not every child develops the same) Sit her down with your husband and explain. Don't call your ex any names at all, just tell her that your ex is her real dad but he worked away and felt he didn't want to be a part of our lives anymore but now he's older and had alot of time to think, he wants to see you, what do you want to do?
Be very supportive of her and be there to comfort her. Your husband needs to reassure her as well that this news doesn't change anything, especially how much he loves and cares for her. And if your daughter does want to see her biological dad, you do it on YOUR terms. He wants her to meet his new wife and children and take her to another state for 2 week !? Yeah right !! Like your going to agree to that !
I'd make it home visits first, on his OWN ! No wife and no kids. He needs to build a relationship with his daughter first, he doesn't need to involve the rest of his new family. After a few home visits, and only when your daughter is feeling comfortable around him, then he could take her out to the cinema or bowling for a couple of hours then bring her back. It needs to be gradual and slowly. Once they have built a relationship, that's the time to introduce his new wife and children. Too much too soon could damage your daughter.
You need to make the rules and if he breaks them, then he shouldnt be allowed anything to do with her ever again. He needs to abide by your rules because he has no right waltzing into your daughters life after 9 years and demanding this, this and this.
Please don't let him push you and pressure you to do something you or your daughter don't feel comfortable with doing.
If your daughter doesn't want to know him, then tell him that she doesn't and also tell him not to contact you again. You'll contact him when your daughter is ready to see him.
Most importantly, you do whatever you feel is right. Your daughter will always love you, she may be angry with you for 'lying', she may be perfectly fine with you about it and resent your ex. With things like this, you never know how your children will react. I hope things work out fine :)

Jenni - posted on 06/18/2010

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I agree with the posts that say all males have the necessary anatomy to create a child, but a man becomes a father. Whether or not the child is biologically your husband's he IS her father. I don't think it's reasonable to tell her about the man that created her.

Legally he gave up rights to her, if he wants a daughter then he and his wife better get to work on that. Your daughter is just that, YOURS...

You be strong and regardless of how he contacts you ignore all contact. If he chooses to show up at your house, you choose to call the police and get him removed for trespassing.

He made his choice years ago, now you need to make sure he sticks by his choice.

Cheri - posted on 06/18/2010

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my little boy is 7 and has never seen his dad as we split when i was 8 months pregnant. my husband has been in my boys life since he was 13months old. i live in a very small town and felt i had to tell him something. so when i was pregnant wiv my 2nd child who is 9 months i told him that his daddy didnt put him in my tummy another man did because mummy wanted him so much, then i explained that the man who put him in my tummy went away because he had another baby with another lady so his daddy came to look after him. it was as simple an explanation that i could give him and hopefully when he's older he will understand.
as for your ex you have in writing that he refuted the child as his and wanted nothing to do with her. and as he is not named on birth certificate he would have to prove she is his. and you have to give permission for D.N.A unless it's a court order and i don't see a judge passing a ruling for a man who has been disinterested for 9 years! xxx

Taryn - posted on 06/18/2010

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If he said she wasn't his child then it's a done deal. He doesn't need to see her and he's nothing but a deadbeat anyway. I bet you anything it's his wife telling him "you should see your kid cause you have that right blah blah blah" cause bitches are devious like that lol I don't even know why this guy has a new wife. She must be a skeezer just like him to marry someone who doesn't give a fuck about their kid. I would never get with a man who was a deadbeat to their children. Screw that. My sons bio father is also a piece of work and his wife is a total asshole. They have a baby together, but they dont acknowledge my son at all. We are in the process of my current husband adopting my son. Bio father has no problems with it cause obviously he's a douche. My son was diagnosed with autism before his 2nd bday and now he's 4 1/2. Do you think his sperm donor gives a shit? Hell no. Him and his new family can die in a fire for all I care :)

Monica - posted on 06/18/2010

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Hi Jennifer, I am a child of a Father who left us @ a very young age. and I have a step father who I love dearly.My father later in life tried to come back into my life and mother did not approve. But my other Father told let them decided there is 3 of us and I am the oldest out of the 3 and I choose to have a relationship with him and bother and sister don't. but they had that choice and now I have to 2 great fathers, and they both accept that I call my step father Daddy and my biological father is just dad because in my heart my true father is the one that raised me and gave me the support I needed. my bio-father is just I relationship that we are aware of each other and I know of him and know his regrets also. but I got to know him as a person and know that I am here because of him. My thought is if her real father comes into her life at least she knows who he is and if a relationship is there and he really wnats to be part of her life let him try and she would know what kind of person he is for herself. p.s my bio father never provided for us just was part of my life, and he has twins now and does for them what he did not do for us. is how I see things. my moral is she should know. my sister was probably ur daughters age when he left and around the same when he wanted to come back and she see him as a sperm donor. but she made the choice.

Rhonda - posted on 06/17/2010

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I so agree with Rachelle Price...why tell your 9 year old daughter that the FATHER that's raising her isn't her father but this dead beat that left us when you was just a baby is. What will you say when she asks you that dreaded question "Mommy why didn't he want me, what did I do?" I think 9 is way to young to expose her to that and you know who her FATHER is I highly encourage you to make it legal by letting him adopt her. And as far as her sperm donor is concerned he abandoned his child and stated in writing that he was NOT her father so that's the answer to your question right there. But hey follow your heart it won't lead you astray:-) Hope this was helpful!!!

JENNIFER - posted on 06/17/2010

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IM IN A SIMILAR SITUATION. I GOT PREGNANT AT 18 LEFT HIM AND HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND SINCE I WAS 4 MONTHS PREGNANT. SHE WILL BE 5 IN SEPTEMBER. MAY OF 2009 HER DNA DONOR WANTED A DNA TEST AND MY HUSBAND( WHO IS ON MY DAUGHTERS BIRTH CERTIFICATE) AGREED TO IT TO SHOW HE WAS A MAN. WELL WE GOT THE RESULTS. NOW MY EX WANTS TO BE IN HER LIFE. IF YOUR EX SIGNED AWAY HIS RIGHTS, TAKE THOSE PAPERS, YOU, YOUR HUSBAND NOW, AND THE BABYS BIRTH CERTIFICATE TO THE COURT HOUSE AND HAVE YOUR HUSBAND IMMEDIATELY ADOPT HER. THEN THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO. IVE SPOKE TO LAWYERS AND THIS IS WHAT THEY HAVE TOLD ME TO DO. HAVE HIM SIGN AWAY HIS RIGHTS AND HAVE MY HUSBAND ADOPT MY DAUGHTER. I HOPE THIS HELPS. AND I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT.

Krys - posted on 06/17/2010

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I realize that there is other post way b4 mine but here is my opinion. I would tell her, and explain to her and if she wanted to see him id let her but i would advise him he has no rights to her hence he gave them up...best of luck to you:)

Dana - posted on 06/17/2010

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First off I'm so sorry how he treated you.He really DONT have rights because he basically signed his rights away. I cannot stand a man who cannot take care of their kids. My father was like that. She does deserve to know. because if she doesnt and find out later..she may end up resenting you for it. however, I would let her make the choice rather she wants to see him or not. And let him come to your house where you can watch them. If he wants to take her out..go with him. Good Luck!

Anna - posted on 06/17/2010

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That's a hard thing to ask or even go through, I'm sorry that you are having to go through that. Here is my two cents though...

I recently went through the same thing my ex-husband and I were married for almost six years before we divorced but he was in the navy and all my daughter knew/knows is my current fiancee. She still sees my ex-husband has her father, she actually sees them as both of her daddies, but my ex-husband has pretty much moved to Ut got with another woman and hasn't had contacted with my daughter since March. If your daughter is 9 1/2 then you could possibly try to sit down and talk to her about it with your husband. But if you don't think she will handle it good then it might be a best case solution is to allow a therpist to talk to her, and go by what they say.

If your ex hasn't been in her life for however long and was saying he isn't the father and now is trying to be in her life...

I would question his motives because a person who truly loves a child who is his, wouldn't give them up no matter what.

Heather - posted on 06/17/2010

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if he put in the divorce doc. that he is in no way responsible for her then yeah he has lost his chancees, with her. i would totally ignor his calls or messages he sends. i know it dont mean much comming from a young mom but trust me i have been through this in a way. do what is best for the little girl. not what your family or friends feel is right but what you feel is right

Vixi - posted on 06/17/2010

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OMG what a nasty piece of work your ex is!!

He has no right to come and go like this and has a nerve to try and come swanning back into your daughter's life now all the hard work is done!! He lost any right to call himself her dad the minute he walked away and didn't look back!!!

If he isnt on the birth certificate then I dont personally think he has any rights to her and even if he was, no judge in the world would grant him access to her after all these years. He's a virtual stranger to her!!

Fight this hun for your daughter's sake, even seeking legal advise. Well done to your current husband, for being the daddy your daughter deserves!! xx

Tiffany - posted on 06/17/2010

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I strongly agree with Rachelle Price. i have the same kinda story. my mother explained to me that a father isn't some one that created you. a father is some one that has raised and loved you. this man abandon you and your child for nine years and then all of a sudden has realized what a horrible mistake that was. i wouldn't let him back in to my child's life. if he abandoned you guys once more then likely he will do it again. and to a little girl that could really hurt her and confuse her.

Jessica - posted on 06/17/2010

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Hi I don't know where your from but you should speak to an attorney. I know that N.M. a court can find that an absent parent has no protected liberty interest if they have not been an active part of their child's life which means being financially and emotionally supportive. If possible do so soon and because he is not on the birth cert. you can refuse to allow him to see her. Just be aware that he can take you to court so if you have a way of proving that he has not been supportive I would suggest taking that to the lawyer to.

Alina - posted on 06/17/2010

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The laws are different in every state. If he mentioned her in the divorce decree than he does have proof enough to have a paternity test required by the courts. If he does this, he most likely will owe you 9 years back child support. Bottom line is that regardless of how you, your current husband or ex husband feel, there are laws that will supersede any "feelings" you guys may have. Protecting your daughter is one thing. She has rights too. You need to think for yourself what you would want if you were her. What will happen if you do manage to keep this from her? My best advice is to go talk to a lawyer. Don’t ask your family, or anyone on this site for advice unless they are a lawyer. A name on the birth certificate or lack thereof means very little these days. Go get advice from a professional in this area BEFORE you make any decisions. You want to make sure you are making choices based on true and actual facts, not hearsay on an internet forum.

Danielle - posted on 06/17/2010

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I think I would tell my daughter and let her make that choice but I certainly wouldn't leave the decision up to your ex husband and say "yeah, okay you can come see her." He made his bed and he should lay in it. If his biological daughter wants to see him she can decide that for herself. If she wants to continue on with her life as it is now, than that's fine too. How does your current husband feel about the situation?

Christina - posted on 06/17/2010

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If it's in the divorce papers, he will have to get them amended before he has any right to claim her as his child. He's the one who put that part in there, so he made his choice several years ago.
If he wants to change his mind now, tell him he needs to have the papers ammended and start paying child support if he wants anything to do with her.
If you don't want her to have anything to do with him, take your copy of the papers to the courts and get a restraining order on him. Give his full name, and any other information you have, and let the law enforcement officials know that he might be coming to try to see your daughter. Since he signed away his rights, voluntarily even, there should be several measures everyone can take to ensure that he never sees her.
If you do talk to him, tell him YOUR daughter is happy, she has her dad, and he never wanted anything to do with her before so he's not going to have anything to do with her now.
If he wants kids he can see and spend time with, why not have them with his new wifey? He does need to leave you and your family alone, tho.
I wish you the best of luck with this matter. Let me know how it goes.

Ashlee - posted on 06/17/2010

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My daughter's father took off when I told him I was pregnant. I didn't hear from him until she was a month old. I know it isn't nearly as long as he took. But I decided to let him in to her life. I know he choose drugs over her, but I am also a recovery addict, and I know how hard it is. But when he got clean and he became the best father I could ask for. My daughter is Daddy's little girl now.

Kendra - posted on 06/17/2010

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If she really wants to meet him now - I think home visits ONLY! With your husband present, and no chance of STUPID STUFF. And she should call him by his first name, he lost his chance for "Dad" that honor goes to your husband. And maybe that wouldn't confuse her as much.

Kendra - posted on 06/17/2010

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My opinion is to tell your daughter the whole truth maybe with the help of a counclor from her school. That way she can not blame you later when she is older for lying, because you never know what could happen, you may need him for medical reasons if something was to happen to her or her children, better to get it over with now. I personally would not let him see her, he had his chance as far as I'm concerned. But maybe when she turns 16-18 yrs. give her the option to contact him. Good Luck - best wishes!

Kara - posted on 06/17/2010

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okay, not to alarm you, but he can ppay for a court ordered DNA test and prove that she is his daughter and file for visitation. You can fight it and they may very well rule in your favor if you still kept those divorce papers stating that he wanted nothing to do with her, but it is still a gamble because he could play the card that he was over seas and thoght it was best for her. You never know how the judge will rule, but either way she is probably going to find out one way or the other about him and if I were you I would go ahead and tlel her so she will be hearing it from someone she trusts, her mommy. If someone else tells her then it will be like you tried to keep it hidden from her and she may be a lil upset about it. I would be honest and sit her down and explain things to her and let her be a part of the decision, after all it is her life and he is her father. She is 9 1/2 years old. She will understand more than you think she will. Good luck and God Bless.

[deleted account]

Maybe talk to your daughter about it and see how she feels. Explain to her that he didn't want to be her daddy, but your current husband did. Let her know that he is sorry that he turned his back on her and that he wants to be a part of her life...and take him to court for child support if he does want to take responsibility for her. That would probably require a blood test, but if he really wants to be a part of her life now, he needs to completely step up to bat and it needs to be her decision. She's old enough to make up her mind about it.

Andrea - posted on 06/17/2010

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I am always for what is in the best interest of the child. If she is happy and secure with the way things are, then why complicate her life? She is only 9. Let her live her happy life as a nine year old. If you were in her shoes would it make you happy to meet some stranger that (surprise!) was your sperm donor and shares your facial features? I think not. I think it would only cause frustration, insecurity, more questions, mixed feelings, and make her grow up way sooner than she needs to. If she wants to seek out her bio father when she is older, she is free to do so and it would probably be for curiosity's sake more than anything else. If her dad now, doesn't share her same blood, it is irrelevant. That is her dad. Her bio-father is a sperm donor- that is it. And yes, that was his choice. Don't worry about offending him or anything like that. What is in the best interest of your child?

[deleted account]

Ask your daughter! He has no right just to jump back in her life after rejecting her so long ago. She needs to be the one to make the decision since its her life he will be affecting. Good luck darling and I know somewhat how you feel :)

Cynthia - posted on 06/17/2010

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i think you should tell your child the truth but i bint think you should let him see her unless your child wants to see him

Avelina - posted on 06/17/2010

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Well I was you daughter once. I grew up w/o my bio father & only knew my step dad...unfortunately he wasn't the greatest of all dads. The thing is that I knew at a very young age that I had a "real" father out there. I think you should talk to your daughter about it. Tell her the truth. But let her know that although your exhusband helped in making her, it's your husband now that is the true father. Tell her & let her make the decision.

Brenda - posted on 06/17/2010

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I Can totally relate I have a 7 year old daughter and her biological Father does not know she exists. I was 23 when I got pregnant and we had just broken up. Didn't find out I was pregnant till I was 4 months. She has my last name on the Birth Certificate w/no Father on it. She knows my Husband now to be her Father (he's been in her life since she was 2). We brought this question up to my Pastor and He said unless she asks don't tell her. Your not lieing if you choose not to tell her. If she asks then tell her if not why confuse her. You have legal custody right? He has no right to her as far as the court is concerned. If he tries anything you call the cops and tell them you have legal custody. Hopefully he won't take it that far.

Jocelyn - posted on 06/17/2010

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I think you should tell her but in the words a 9yr old would understand don't go into detail as of why just tell her he wasn't ready to be a dad and you met a wonderful guy who wanted to be in both your lives. let her decide if she wants to meet him and if she does than at fist make it at home or at a park with you and her "dad" their so she feels more comfortable don't jump into visitation regardless of what he wants she needs time to get to know him (if she want's) and if he cant understand that than that gives you more ground to stand on... even tho he hasn't been evolved in her life maybe now after having other kids he is realizing what he missed out on and regrets it best of luck to you and your daughter on this one.. i know that I'm going to have to go through the same thing with my 4yr old son in a few years

Valarie - posted on 06/17/2010

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well, you are in a tought situatin. i was in the space your daughter is in. i never knew my dad. i was told nothing about my stephdad not being my dad, so when i got older, i put one and one together after my real dad came looking for me. it tore my world apart. my hole life was a lie, and he made my mother admit he wanted to get intouch, and she refused. i hated her. for 19 years i was a lie, my life was a lie, my existance was a lie.
my advice to you, and its only advice. let him see her.no matter how hard it is. tell the truth about him. she doesn't have to know right away who he is or how he fits in the picture, let him see what bond she has with your now husband, and if he is man enought, he'll realise that there is no place for him as it has been replaced with the father she knows. if he doesn't realize this. you sit her down and explain.
just remember, dont make him bad in her eyes, when she's all grown up,she WILL say that you always spoke good and never belittled him towards her.

remember. a child is very intelligent. she,you and your husband are a tight family, nothing can take that away.

hope all turns out good.

Tabatha - posted on 06/17/2010

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If you wish to be a bit vindictive and you do decide to let her see him then I would take him to court and require that he pay child support including what he did not pay before. That maybe a way to find out if he truly does want to be in her life

Tabatha - posted on 06/17/2010

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in responce to Kelebogile:

Exactly it is in your divorce that is why i suggested the lawyer

Tabatha - posted on 06/17/2010

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I would not allow him to take her out of state until i was positive that she was comfortable with him and his wife! But I would also get ALL the info. you could from him. just in case he is not planing to return her to you!

Kelly - posted on 06/17/2010

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i believe with the person hu says he should get lost he had his chance and played with it now he must understand that you have moved on with ur life and he must also do the same thing and bythe way also remind him that u have it in writing that he doesn wnt to be involved into that child's life why al of a sudden

Tabatha - posted on 06/17/2010

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. First off I'd find a lawyer!!! If he is not on the birth cert. then he has no legal right to her as long as there is no paternity test done. Second, I would not allow my ex anywhere near my daughter. He was very abusive. You kind of alluded to that if he was then; there is a great chance he will be again. You are right if your daughter thinks that your present husband is her Daddy then it will confuse her very bad. I might even consult her doctor and see if they believe that this would be too large of a shock to your little girl. This is just my opinion and as the saying goes…. “Opinions are like butt hole everyone has one and they normally stink” I hope all goes well! Let us know how everything goes!
You all will be in my prayers and thoughts
Tab

Randi - posted on 06/17/2010

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I would probably let her know about him. She is 9 1/2, if she is able to understand and comprehend situations then she is old enough to decide if she wants to see him. You can let her know that he made decisions when she was younger that allowed her to have a daddy that was able to be there for her. Help her to understand that her "daddy" loves her and will always be her "daddy" no matter what a blood test shows. After that discussion and time for her to take it all in, I would suggests having a DNA test done for proof. Since he has already denied her once. Then I would have something drawn up through the courts. If he wants to be in her life he has to understand some ground rules. But don't keep her out of the loop. Let her know that you love her and that you believe that she is big enough to be involved in decisions like this. You are the only one out of this group to know your daughters maturity level, so you are the only one to know if she is capable of understanding what is going on. Let your husband be involved with all of it. And make your ex understand that this is his last shot until she is 18. If he runs off and leaves her again you aren't helping him. Sorry you are having to make this kind of decision but ultimately it is yours. If you fear that he or his wife would be some type of danger to her then use your motherly instinct to keep her safe. It is a bad situation but I believe she has a right to know. My oldest sister was adopted from my mom when she was really young. She knows who her bio-mom is and her grandparents. She used to go out and visit her grandparents when we were growing up and my mom wasn't going to try to keep her from them. She was raised by our mother after my parents divorce so it goes to show, just cause you know about your bio-parents doesn't mean the living situation and the love for you adoptive parent is going to change. I hope it all works out for you. And who knows, maybe getting to know her bio-dad and his family could be a good thing. Just pray about it and let God lead your decision making.

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