Should I let my child go with his father?

Courtney - posted on 02/21/2010 ( 42 moms have responded )

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I'm the mother of 4 kids, 3 of them from my recent ex. I left their father after 8yrs because he was physically & mentally abusive and controlling. In the almost 5months that we have been gone he has made an attempt to see my kids 3 times. He recently asked me if he could take my son whom is the youngest(3yrs) for 2 wks. This would be the first time he has EVER had any of my children for any amount of time without me. He made no mention of taking our other 2 daughters, and his reasoning was that they were in school. I told him he needed to start with taking them all for the weekend and his response was that would be too hard. I feel like there is something "funny" about his request, because he refuses to take the older ones who can speak up. I don't want to keep my kids from having a relationship with their father, but it just doesn't sound right. I feel bad, but I think he made his choice when he decided not to take them all. What do you think?

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Chelle - posted on 12/06/2012

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No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Period!!!!!!!!!!! That intuition is the God in you speaking to you, girl. Listen to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sarah - posted on 05/30/2010

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If he is violent i would not allow him to see the kids unsupervised! its odd to me that he wants to take the youngest... usually the youngest takes the most work and if he's saying he can't handle all 3 kids then its odd that he would want to take the youngest where as the oldest one he probably wouldn't have to worry as much about! i don't know your situation or your ex but its all fishy to me! i would be worried that he would take the child and leave and you wouldn't be able to get him back! as long as theres nothing saying he can't have the kids then there is nothing legally wrong with him taking his own kid and not coming back! or if he was violent with you he might be violent with your child as well as a revenge of sorts against you! who knows what his motives are... but if he really wanted to see his child that bad he should have tried more than 3 times in 5 months! my husband's cousin has a child and he only sees her when its convienent for him! he has no interest in being a parent he just takes her when he gets a new gf... shows her how much he cares for his kid and such but after a few weeks he doesn't want anything to do with the kid! that poor lil girl has no idea whats going on and it just makes things bad for her and her mother! go with your instinct you know your ex and what he will/won't do! but i would go to court and start things going there just so you have the law on your side! good luck and hang in there!

Michelle - posted on 05/30/2010

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i think this is the most selfish comment i ve ever read...women choose whom they have children with. and the court system is not all aBout men these days i know plenty of men whom lost their children, when the mother was a horrible mom. u cannot base one court case on another, children are not property, not every custody case goes this way....obviously the children were not the main priority.....they do have a right to have both parents and he created them with you!!! what a man does to his spouse does not mean he will do this to his children, ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO DO WHATS IN THE BEST INTEREST FOR THE CHILDREN, what he does with his children on his time as long as no harm is being done, IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. i lost my daughter for a year, then 7 years later had another child with the same man....i won my custody case in pro per...we share 50-50 joint legal-physical custody...could i have faught and won all physical custody? sure could have....but why fight with a man who just wants the same as you. the kids!!! going to trial and dragging on a crappy situation should be the last of this women's worries as a single mom!

Michelle - posted on 05/14/2010

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file a motion have parenting time an order and 2wks of non interrupted vacation time spent with all of the children. go to web of what county u live in under friend of the court all u will need is their.i went through a very messy custody case and if all u want is stability for your children stayystrong and fight...its ok to give a little.....but stand up for the future of your children....stay strong..i know exactly what your going through and what you will through the courts but in will work out in the end

User - posted on 05/14/2010

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I agree and respect what everyone has posted below, however, having a very similar situation just happen with my 18 month old, I'll tell you what the court does and how they view the law...

Unfortunately, the law sees violence and abusive relationships and child visitation as mutually exclusive. If the father wants to "step up to the plate" the the court will not only force you to give up one or all three children, they'll tell you that you don't have a right to know where they are with ohm or what he's doing with them...ugh! And this is the best part...the judge will say, because when their wih you, he doesn't ask you, and his lawyer will argue that "he trusts you enough not to ask a lot of questions, you should do the the same". WOW! Right? Believe it, it's true, because today it's all about a fathers rights and it doesn't matter if he never stood up to the plate before now, because he is willing to now, he can exert his rights.

I had the same guttural instincts that you're having/had, and withOut any evidence to support my case (. Meaning you have to prove he put your child/ren in some kind of harm/danger) you will lose. Today, the legal system believes tHat it is in the best of interest of the child to have BOTH parents present in the Childs life.

Crazy, right? You've raised these children by yourself and gave birth to them...sat up at night with them, cried with them, taught them x, y, & z, how can that be fair? Yeah, tell me about it, I went through 2 lawyers AND had the judge tell me that I should provide my ex with all the knowledge and support he needs to be a "good" father, and support their relationship. So the real kicker here? He abused me, and now i have to get along with him....help him even? It's so wrong. Good luck, I'm sending you lots of prayers and support...

Desiree - posted on 02/27/2010

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I have a 2yr girl and her "sperm-donor" as I call him is the same way. I would have his cousin who lives above him watch my daughter and he didn't even have the balls to go up a flight of stairs to see her. He said that he shouldn't have a baby sitter to visit with his daughter. I feel as though that is a true statement, but he doesn't call or visit her so in my eyes he's a stranger and I wouldn't drop my daughter off to some random person for the night. I don't know him anymore and what I did know of him wasn't good. He's an alcoholic with a drug problem who thinks it's fun to beat up girls. Although I have given him chance after chance to see his daughter I have come to the conclusion that my daughter is better off without her in her life. She knows where he is and has started acting out b/c she is mad that her dad doesn't see her or call her. She tells me and when I say acting out I have to clean up the poop she spread all over a room and herself and she was completely potty trained and now has to wear a pull up @ night time cause she's peeing her bed. Just remember you are the one who has to deal with the consequences for when he's not around. It's not worth it to put your kids around an unfit role model (I'm sure you don't want them treating girls like that) just for them to be let down. Good Luck

Shana - posted on 02/27/2010

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i think that it doesn't sound right. If he wants to see his kids he should take all of them just like you suggested to him. But by him refusing, it does make it odd. The older kids would be able to help, not be a problem.

Paige - posted on 02/26/2010

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I just recently left my husband of less than 3 years because he took my 20 month old son for a joy ride while drinking and taking pills without my knowledge so I completely agree with you on this. You are the mother and if the situation doesnt feel right why put your child in harms way if you dont have to. If he wants to see the kids I would make him see them under strict supervision until you felt comfortable enough to let him take them but it would have to be all his kids not just the one. I agree with you, it does sound funny.

Erica - posted on 02/25/2010

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IF you dont have a court order saying you have to , and you dont feel comfortable then dont do it. However you are going to have to have solid evidence that he was abusive if you want the courts to intervene

Tanica - posted on 02/25/2010

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I am in a similar situation my childs dad has never had my daughter in his life in fact he only seen her 20 mins of her life when she was 4 mos old....he hounds me becuase i wont let her go to alaska to live with him... he has never helped take care of her nor has he supported her financially....i say to you if you cant ake all the kids you cant take half...its not fair to see some of the kids go but not all it can make them feel rejected and they will resent him even more later on

Jennifer - posted on 02/24/2010

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sometimes fathers find it difficult to deal with older children because they re able to remind them of what they did wrong to the child or to you. mabie it is best he take the children one by one just so that he cant get used to them again and lern who they are today. children change so quickly he may be scared to have them all at the same time because he may be afraid of not being able to handle them all at the same time. However i would def pus for him to take all the kids together ever if it is for a few hours at a time. this will allow him to slowley get used to them and know his limits. Above all else if you feel the children are safe with their father id never keep them from daddy. i also agree with him not having them all night on school nights due to the fact that you know there structure and work that is expected of them in school. Plus removing them and puting them in there fathers home during school may cause the children not to focus in school because of the enviroment change.

Ashley - posted on 02/24/2010

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i think that he should be able to see them with super vise vistation and only that and not for two weeks at a time and not the lil boy who wont be able to tell u any thing also if he cant take all 3 of them then he dont get one tell him to take you to cort if he wants to see his kids but be carefull

Kerin - posted on 02/24/2010

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I honestly don't think you should. Even without the history of abuse it wouldn't be right to leave out the girls. He also shouldn't be involved unless he is planning on being an active parent and planning on seeing ALL of the children regularly otherwise it would be more damaging to have him involved as opposed to not.

Audra - posted on 02/24/2010

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You need to go to Court, if you haven't already and set up visitation and child support, if you haven't already. If you don't feel comfortable giving him unsupervised visits, I would ask the Judge to do a stair-step visitation, which would probably consist of every other weekend with 1-5 visits on saturdays and work up to overnights. If the Court finds good cause to give him supervised visits, they would appoint a licensed social worker to supervise his visitations. If you can't afford a good family law attorney, go through the Attorney General's office. I'm not a huge fan of that office, but they will help to get some visitation and child support set up.

Sunny - posted on 02/24/2010

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I think that sounds "funny" why would he take the younger one who is 3, 3yr olds are still a lot of work so if he can cope with a 3 yr old & the fits and tantrums then why can't he cope/ handle the older ones? I would trust your gut & get the courts involved, do supervised visition, a few hours at your house at a time, what ever you feel comfortable with. Stick to your guns, dont let a "I feel bad" feeling get in the way of your childerns safety. 2 weeks is a long time to be without your baby. and a long time for something to be in the works. I personally wouldn't let my childern go for 2 weeks. Even more so when you think there is something funny in the works!

Tiffany - posted on 02/24/2010

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I would have to agree with a lot of the other ladies and only let him have them for a certain period of time 1 day of the weekend and it needs to be with all of them. He needs to make a better attempt at seeing the kids first in order to let him take the kids for a longer period of time. 3 times in 5 months isn't enough it should be at least every weekend if he wants more rights to seeing them and taking them anywhere. I also think that he needs to go to some classes to show you that he is getting help before you can fully trust him with the kids. I have an abusive ex that even with out kids it was hard to get out of. I commend you for getting out of that type of relationship.

Misty - posted on 02/24/2010

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I agree, he should take them all for at least a night or two & see how that goes, 2 weeks is a long time for the first time. U already know the answer trust ur stomach on this one girl.

Cherayl - posted on 02/24/2010

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Just curious if there is documentation of the abuse? Like hospital visits, or photos, or even witnesses who would be willing to testify? If there is (well actually even if there isnt') I would take it to court and let the system be the "meanie" that way you can feel a little more secure about saying no, and also knowing that there is legal action you can take if he doesn't follow court order and just takes your son.

I am a firm believer in not only a mothers intuition, but a female's intuition. If the situation feels "funny" there is a reason! Follow your gut and be firm about it, if he persists then go to court and make his visitations court supervised, not just you supervised, so someone can be a witness to his interactions with you and your children. Your safety as well as the safety of your children is your first responsibility as a mom, and if he abused you chances are he will abuse your children as well. Good luck and stay safe!

Elisha-Kay - posted on 02/24/2010

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I believe every father has a right to see their children...if it is safe and in the best interest of the children. If he has a history of mental and physical abuse he should take steps to recover from this and make big changes in his life to show that he is safe to be around his children. I believe going through the court system is your best bet, so that you have an agreement. If his history is questionable this will let the court know and they often times will have the father go to meetings/counselor to deal with it before allowing the children to be with him. If he really wants a relationship with his children he will go through the proper steps to have that with them, and not single one child out. The request seems a bit fishy to me as well...better to be safe than sorry. Good Luck!

Fallon - posted on 02/24/2010

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I agree with you. Not to be negative, but it's easier to abuse (verbally, physically) someone who can't really tell what's going on. When you all were together, did he favor your son and how was his relationship with all of his children before you all seperated?Consider these elements and I suggest all of you meet in a public place so he can spend time with the children; see how that works out. Do not allow him to take any of your babies w/o your supervision. Just a thought: I just finished a term paper on filicide (parent(s) kill their child(ren)) and I learned that sometimes the motive for this is revenge. I don't know your full story so I may be way in left field but like I said, just a thought.

Amy - posted on 02/24/2010

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NO!!! Do NOT let him take him. If he wants to see him, then set up supervised visits with a social worker, but if he was abusive to you, he cannot be trusted... It's not worth the risk, follow your gut feeling!

Michele - posted on 02/23/2010

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I would go with your maternal instinct. It is mature of you to think of your kids in regards to having a relationship with their father. . .but it is far more mature and responsible of you to always keep their best interest in mind. Sometimes not allowing children around their father is in the best interest and safety of the child. In your situation I can understand why you have an uneasy feeling. It is our jobs as mothers to protect and love our children. I have always said the relationship they have with their fathers is in the hands of their fathers, kids eventually figure out where their parents rank in their lives. You just do what you gotta do for your kids, and they will love and respect you for it!!

Courtney - posted on 02/23/2010

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Thank you all for all the advice. Everyone pretty much voiced the same things I am thinking. I just needed to hear from others whether I was being unfair or not. Like one mother said...I would usually criticize a parent for trying to keep the children from their father, so I didn't want to be one of those mothers. I realize now that I'm not being unreasonable...thank you all so much

Jessie - posted on 02/23/2010

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I think your right and you need to stick with your gut instinct. If he really wants to see his kid, or kids, then he needs to do it with all of them. Two weeks is a long time to have a child from his normal living situation and I would just say no. I would get a custody agreement going and since he has been abusive I don't think he would get much from that. Also 3 times in 5 months isn't a lot so I wonder why he wants to see just that one now, but I bet that is also your question. I wouldn't do it!

Samantha - posted on 02/23/2010

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if he won't take all of them i wouldn't let him have any of them! and i would ask the courts for supervised visits because he is mentally and physically abusive and you just don't know if you can trust him around the kids yet.

Carolee - posted on 02/23/2010

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If he was abusive, then ALL visitations need to be supervised... no matter what!

Moriah - posted on 02/23/2010

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I think you should probably do things through the court system. If he was abusive to you, there is no telling whether he would do that to your kids or not. They can decide to give him supervised visits if they don't feel he is fit to be alone with them.

It is kind of odd to me that he would just want the 3yr old son and not anyone else...and for 2 weeks. Has he ever taken care of any of them alone for a period of time? Id go with your mom gut. If you feel something is wrong, don't do it.

Haley - posted on 02/23/2010

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I think it is always important to go with your gut!! My ex was also abusive, it has been two years since he has seen our son, but he never has tried. But you also have to think about your son, it is his dad so he has a right to see him, however, you are his primary care giver and to take him away from his familiar situation for two whole weeks may be really hard on him, I don't think I would let him go.... Maybe for a day visit, but for two whole weeks?

Tiffany - posted on 02/23/2010

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First of all 3 times in 5 months isn't enough. He could be their all the time or not at all. In and out of a childs life is mentally challenging for a child. It is hard enough to comprehend why your parents aren't together anymore, but not seeing a parent regularly is stressful.
Then you are dealing with the fact he wants to show favoritism. He shouldn't be allowed do that.You have to keep up with the kids by yourself he should be capable of the same thing.
I would go before a judge with all of the evidence you have of him being violent, and his only wanting to take one child. Ask the judge that he have suppervised visitation on set days at first. If he succeeds with this, at every visitation,go back before the judge motion for an every other weekend from 6pm on friday until 6p.m. on sunday. If he succeeds with this then he could possibly begin getting them some over the summer.
Heres a little help, my father was the same way, my mother made the decission to not let me see him..I hated her for about 3 years, but he was even violent towards me at times. Now that I am grown I tried to forma a relationship with my dad, only to find out for myself that he was truely the person my mom said he was.It was less of a let down, and I thank my mom for making a stand for me as a child when my dession making wasn't the best in my interest. As a child you really want to trust and believe all people are good, espeacially family. It also help me vow to never be a part of an abusive relationship, and I wont stand for anyone around me to be abused either. It is a cycle, it has to be broken, don't allow your "x" to put your son or daughters in that cycle. hope this helps.

Camilla - posted on 02/23/2010

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I would criticise anyone not letting their ex see their kids, but he was abusive. Why would he want to see one and not the others, be very careful, don't want to scare you, but you hear these awful things happening with the Father taking the lives of themselves and a child, to punish the partner, not saying this would happen, I do not know the man, but you never know and if are suspicious then you have to protect your children. Even if genuine if he abusive can you be sure he can cope with a young child for that length of time, he may get wound up and lash out.

Angela - posted on 02/22/2010

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Sounds weird to me and if it bother you DON'T DO IT! That's all I can say. If he can't make an effort to see ALL his kids with you there or otherwise then nope. Def not if he's choosing one over the others. Sounds fishy and I wouldn't chance it. Not with the abuse. I'd be terrified!

Lori - posted on 02/22/2010

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If you think something is odd about his request, then don't let him do it. A court order doesn't always keep things from happening but it does put the law on your side if, God forbid, something does happen. I wish you the best of luck.

Ashley - posted on 02/22/2010

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you should DEFINATELY not allow this until you take him to court and get custody that way if he fails to bring him back then he will go to jail for violating the court order and you could prob get to where he has to start out with supervised visitations. that is what my attorney told me to do with my three year old. DONT CHANCE IT! protect your babies at all costs....

Anna - posted on 02/22/2010

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Thats a tough one but if he is as bad as you say he is, I would say no. That is a very ligit reason for leaving him and I dont thin kI would be able to trust him not to hurt your kids. I mean, maybe he wouldnt intintionally hurt them but it is in his nature....personally i would say no, not for that much time right at first. id give him a day and to have him back at a cretain time. if that happened sucuessfully then maybe for 2 days...im with you, sounds fishy.

Marabeth - posted on 02/22/2010

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i agree with the other mothers, you shouldn't ignore a funny feeling or gut instinct.

Kristen - posted on 02/22/2010

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In my experience Mommy Instincts are normally spot on. Make sure you listen to what they are telling you. If needed get the courts involved. Your kids need to stay safe regardless of what the Dad wants.

Heidi - posted on 02/22/2010

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I don't think you should even think about letting him see your son for two weeks until he includes all the children. I know you are worried about him not treating your children right. If all three go with him on an outings for a period of time then your son will have someone to protect them. Also, is there any way you can use the court system to get supervised visits to make you and your children more comfortable. Good luck....

Tiffany - posted on 02/22/2010

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Honestly, I would not send my son. A mother's instincts may not always be correct, but our "sixth sense" kicks in for a reason. Your ex needs to step up to the responsibilities. You are only doing what a mother does; protecting your children and only wanting the best for them. I think you are being a wonderful mother and an independent woman! Good luck with your ex...I know from experience (and still going through it) that it can be extremely hard.

Gemma - posted on 02/22/2010

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I'm all for fathers rights and their right to see their children, but when a man is physically and mentally abusive, to me he loses that right. trust your instinct, if it was me i wouldnt let him have any time alone with any of them to begin with, it would have to be some sort of supervised visit, especially as he is claiming he wouldnt be able to cope with all of them at the same time. your children's safety has to be priority.



Also, 3 attempts in 5 months is not enough to me, i know that me and my current partner split up, he would be here every day to see the kids. He needs to build trust with you and the kids and needs to build up some sort of relationship before the kids are allowed to see him on their own, otherwise it wouldnt be fair to them.



hope this helps and doesnt sound too preachy, ive been a victim of domestic abuse and know how hard it is to get out of that situation and how much you guilt you feel depsite the fact that you have done nothing wrong,



Stay safe and strong!



Love Gemma x

Andria - posted on 02/22/2010

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Considering your pass with him I would trust your gut. If you think something is "funny" than go with that feeling dont push it aside because you dont want to be mean. Your job is to keep your children safe, even if that means keeping them from thier father. I would do supervized visits with all of the kids. I also wouldnt let him have just the one for two weeks. That too me also seems "funny" that he cant take them all. Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 02/22/2010

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i think you should do some sort of mediation with your ex...

Sort out some sort of "parenting plan" that can be enforced by the courts...

I personally wouldnt let him have your son for 2 weeks. i would start with him having all of them for a few hrs on a weekend.



its wrong and mean to basically pick one child over the others..

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