should i let my ex husband see my daughter?

Bethany - posted on 05/31/2011 ( 40 moms have responded )

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my ex husband hasnt seen my 5 1/2 year old daughter in over a year. we moved out when she was 1. hes never called her on her birthday, xmas, or fathers day. he missed her baptisum all her soccer and tball games and missed her learning how to ride a bike. hes also missed all of her surgeries. she doesnt even call him dad. she calls my new husband daddy. i have full custody and am trying to have my husband adopt ariana. but my ex wont sign his rights over. hes doing it to act like a good dad for his girlfriend. he in and out of jail all the time for drugs and theft and whatnot. hes been begging me to let him see her now and im reluctant to since she doesnt know him. i feel he doesnt deserve her time. what should i do?

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Vicki - posted on 06/01/2011

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You have been awarded full custody for a reason hun and he made that happen by choosing Drugs over his child!!

He can't pick and chose when he wants to be in her life!!

Good luck x

Ashley - posted on 05/31/2011

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DO NOT let him see her if you do he may get some custody also right down every time he calls why and keep notes call your lawyer, I did the opposite and am regretting it so much my ex not a bio father has now decided to fight for access/ custody and because i allowed it its a lot harder of a fight do not make the same mistake as me because in the end its are pore kids who suffer.

Mommy - posted on 06/01/2011

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So I'll be the bad guy here I guess, and say that if he is trying, then let him see her. I'm not saying to send her for the weekend just yet, but if he wants to be involved, then let him. Your daughter will grow to resent you if she finds out he tried to have a relationship and you didn't let him. I know this from experience. I'm the wife of a man with a child from a previous marriage, I am the child of divorce, and also a therapist. By all means, be cautious, but your daughter is getting old enough to talk to her more about these things. On her level, of course. And he may not deserve her, but she deserves to know her bio dad.

ALICIA - posted on 05/31/2011

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This is a touchy situation. I'm a firm believer that if you feel your child is being put in a dangerous position, you keep them out. No matter what. However, I also believe that children have the right to know their parents. I think keeping your child from her dad is wrong, BUT he has to earn it also. You can't trust him with her if there are drugs involved. And, she needs time to get to know him, since he's never really been around. Her suddenly spending time with him will probably confuse her, and it might scare her. Bottom line (after my rambling), if you are this worried about it, you have reason. I would contact a lawyer, and tell him flat out that until you think it's safe for her, she's not spending time with him.

Sarah - posted on 05/31/2011

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Stick to your decision! If he wants to see her that bad make him get a court order. You said he doesn't know her and he is a habitual drug user make him get a court order especially if you are concerned for her safety.

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Jamie - posted on 06/09/2011

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my daughters sperm donor hasnt seen her in a year. he has a daughter older then my lil girl and a younger one. he is married to the youngest ones mother and sees the oldest when her mom pesters him enough or the lil girl wants to call him. it has been his descion to stay away. I recently lost my fiance and he wanted so badly to adopt my lil girl. numerous times he would tell me that she was his and not the sperm donors. as you said she doesnt know the sperm donor and that may only confuse her if he pops up now and isnt consistently a part of her life. Go with your gut, if you dont think he will be there or its just a show, then dont allow him to be around her. In my situation im worried her sperm donor might pop back up, but my fiance is the one who was her for her, helped me potty train her, and loved her unconditionally.

SARAH - posted on 06/09/2011

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I haven't taken the time to read everyone else's comments, but you commented on my post that you are in kinda the same situation I was in with the loser ex & wonderful new husband. I don't know how the courts work in your state but I am in NE & this is what happened with us:
Once I was married to my current husband we had to wait 1 year before we could even try to file for him to adopt my daughter. After that time period we asked the bio to sign papers & he refused so we went to the courts without it. He had not seen her in almost 5 years & only paid support when the courts found him & garnished his wages. He lost all types of licenses which helped our case. We had to go to one judge & request his right be terminated & he had a chance to fight that off, but with no attempt @ seeing her & no payments (our lawyer got a child support laywer into court to testify about payment history)the judge easily took his rights away! & then it was easy going!
Make him take you to court to see her. It will only screw with her head when she has to get used to him & then he takes off again (at least that was what my worry was).
I really hope it works out for your husband to adopt her!!!

Lauren - posted on 06/07/2011

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It doesnt sound like her deserves her time at all! In my opinion if your new husband is a good father to her it doesn't matter if its legal or not. If you have full custody and he's in and out of jail he basically has no rights to her. He will have to take you to court. Do you think he will? I doubt it....

I just read some of the older posts, he sounds like he is not a good person to have around your daughter!!..I realized that a long time ago about my sons dad and havent had ANY contact with him since he was 1...it's tougher for you because she's seen him before but the quicker you get that kind of behavior out of her life the better!

Glaedis - posted on 06/06/2011

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You of ol pple know what is best for ur daughter,she may not recognize him yet since he was invisible but now here he is pleading for a chance to make up for the past time,from my own experience blood is thick than water!!!it will take only a couple of meetings and they will automatically have a click.She need to know him to understand what u may tell her in future again if u r afraid of him accompany your husband or pal with u to make sure she feels safe with pple she knows.All the best as u make a wise decision.

Bernadette - posted on 06/05/2011

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wow, I just read your other post about how he's "forget" to feed her or leave her alone to go to the neighbour's place! Definately don't let him be a part of your life, at least not unsupervised anyway. If he tries to take you to court for visitation rights, then I think that is pretty good grounds to deny him access.

Bernadette - posted on 06/05/2011

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in and out of jail for drugs and theft? I think you are within your rights to deny access to someone who would have such a bad influence on your child. It's not really the kind of example a parent should be setting, so it if your husband is playing dad to her, and she calls him dad, then maybe he should just BE dad. Plus, if your ex is unreliable with maintaining contact too, then he may just be setting your daughter up to be hurt when she gets to know and love him, and he loses interest again. I am usually all for the rights of fathers, as they usually get the raw end of the deal when it comes to things like custody but if they don't deserve it, then they don't deserve it.

Savona - posted on 06/05/2011

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I think you have the right to protect your offspring. Physically and Emotionally, so I think you would be doing the correct thing in not letting him see her.

Keyna - posted on 06/04/2011

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I would stick to your guns hun my daughters father has taken me to court over custody of her yet he has missed multiple visitation sessions never calls missed christmas, her birthday he didn't even call and now he's nowhere to be found. You have a new guy in your life who obviously adores your daughter. Read up on the law in your state and see what you can do to get his rights revoked. Do what's best for your daughter k good luck! And best wishes

LETICIA - posted on 06/04/2011

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To each is own, however you must be the #1 advocate for your child. If there was something that prevented him from seeing her beyond his control, then Yes you should allow him the opportunity to reconnect & rekindle. On the other hand if he choose to just live his life & neglect his parental duties then No he should not see her. Consistency is Key to a Healthy & Happy child.

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2011

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He sounds like a real creep. Your blessed to have a new man in your life that loves your child as his own. I would keep him out the deadbeat out the picture becuase he only sounds like more harm than good. As for having the new husband adopt, I don't think that's all that necessary right away. Good luck and hopefully you guys will be able to move on smoothly. Blessings!

Bethany - posted on 06/04/2011

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ive never had a problem with him seeing her but in a supervised setting. hes the one who doesnt think its good enough. ive always made plans for him to come see her and even come pick her up for dinner or the beach in the past and hed never show up. ive even tagged him on facebook on her pictures and he removes the tag. i think deep down he just acts like her wants to be involved to look good for his friends and gf. im also best friends with his sister so she is very involved in my daughters life. she tells me of all the lies he tells her. its even more hard for me to trust him since when i was married to him and i had to work i found out that he was leaving her home alone to go to the neighbors or hed "forget" to feed her. my mom would randomly check on them because she knew how he was.

Misty - posted on 06/04/2011

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I think he should still be able to see her but only under your supervision, I dont know if he is paying child support or not, but if he isnt then you can tell him to sign his rights over or you will be getting childsupport from him.

Mickie - posted on 06/04/2011

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In addition I wouldn't let him take her for a night or day. Its confusing for her and I'd she doesn't know him she doesn't trust him. It needs to be supervised for the sake of your daughter. Being the biological father doesn't mean she trusts him by default. Like I said, most courts, for safety reasons, usually order supervised visits so that the child gets acclimated.

Mickie - posted on 06/04/2011

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Your daughter may resent you later in life if you decide to keep him from her. But you also need to think of her safety. Maybe you should consider a supervised environment like 'bienvenidos'. It's used by courts for parents that are trying to begin spending time with their kids. As for the adoption thing you need to really consider the fact that her father is still alive and may want time with her. A court may never give you that request since he is alive and not agreeing to it.

Bethany - posted on 06/04/2011

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ive told him that i want him to meet somewhere and get to know her again and he isnt having it. he blows up at me and calls me names because i wont let him take "his" daughter for the day or the night. to add....a few years ago we had an incident that he and his ex-girlfriend asked to see her so we met in a public place and he grabbed her and ran and told me i was never going to see my daughter again so i had to call the cops on him. i have no trust in him taking her. and he thinks im a horrible person for asking him to visit her.

Charlotte-Marcelino - posted on 06/03/2011

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hi. i have never been in your shoes but i do know a lot of women who have your problem. i can't tell you what to do and i don't really think anyone else can either but i can say that children need to know who their family is. he may not have been the best dad in the past or even the dad we all expect a guy to be but at the same time he is her father. you have to take your feelings toward him out of the way and think about what's best for her. i'm not saying that you should just let her go and stay with him over night or go out for the day right away but you can do things slowly that way your husband, you and her can make this decision together. yes i do believe that your husband and daughter should have a say in this. you all can maybe start by meeting at the park, chuck-e-cheese or places of the sort and get a chance to get to know each other again. you may even want to have a talk with him before to speak about his relationship with his new friend to ask him things you may want to know about her (not on a personal, ex-wife level but on a level of if he is sure he wants her around his daughter). that meeting can also be a time to speak of what you both expect from each other (here is where you have to be open minded, humble and a good listener as well). the whole process can be a long one but at the end of the road prayerfully there lies an intersection of a great life for your daughter.

Mommy - posted on 06/03/2011

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Jessica and Kristen, I was beginning to think I was crazy! Lol. I am so glad someone else shares my sentiments.

Kristen - posted on 06/03/2011

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You know, its easy for a mother to say they have no rights but if the shoes were in reverse would one be so willing to say the mother has no rights to the child? I would first and foremost check into the laws and if you dont have anything in court papers stating he has no rights to the child, then see about supervised visits if you dont feel comfortable having him alone with her. Good luck, I wish you the best!

Kristen - posted on 06/03/2011

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As a child who's parents were divorced before I turned one, and all they did was hate one another and speak awful things about eachother, I grew up to resent my Mom for not allowing me to see my father more. Now that being said, 25 years later I learned what was what and I do KNOW my father and my mother and see what caused all of it. Im still thankful to know my father and have a choice to be in his life or not. For step parents, I never really felt like I was a FULL child of theirs.....idk, maybe you wont know what i mean by that.

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2011

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She may have a 'real' dad now, but you can never take the 'biological' dad away from her.. When she is older and can make decisions for herself she will find a way to mend the relationship.. You are letting her grow up hating him.. Nobody should grow up with hate and disappointment.. You should talk to him and say meet at the park without telling her he will be there. Go to the park with her and if he shows awesome if he doesn't she will not know.. Maybe he will change..

Melanie - posted on 06/03/2011

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Personally I would talk to a lawyer and let them know your situation what the ex wants to do etc. Could make a case out of it being as he's been in and out of jail and you have full custody. He hasn't been around for her so he doesn't deserve any luxury. My son's sperm donor isn't allowed to see my son and for good reason too. Stick to your guns all will be well Bethany.

Jennifer - posted on 06/03/2011

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My friend's son is 8 now and my oldest daughter and her son share the same father (no, we were not friends at the time either one of us mothered our children lol) and he remembers him. He was 4 when he dug out on them and returned to the mainland (mine was somewhat over 1 or so) and he HATES him. He doesn't even want his last name.
As for my daughter, she doesn't even know he ever existed. Never met him a day in her life and I'm glad. She doesn't have the hatred (or pain possibly) that her brother has.
She's going through something similar right now, though. She's planning on possibly marrying her best friend and when she asked him if he would want the guy to be his dad he said, "YES YES YES!!!!" He recently contacted her via email asking her how his son is and she replied that he won't be his son for long. She explained that the guy she was going to marry wants to adopt him. He said that he'd be happy to sign over the rights (of course he would that would make him financially unresponsible) and then asked her for my number! She told him no and that if he really wanted it he could ask me himself lol thankfully I only made a FB account earlier this year and he doesn't seem to know about it. Then he told her that he wouldn't sign over his rights then and she told him she didn't need his permission that she could just go to the courts and have his rights revoked because he's considered an absent parent. I'm not sure if it applies, but it's something you could look into. Although, I did hear about a story similar re: newspaper thing that ended up making it so the father had no rights to the child because he didn't respond. It's kind of like being publicly served lol.

Petrina - posted on 06/03/2011

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I can fully understand how you feel, I left the father to my two children nearly three years ago he was a voilent and controling. He has not seen the kids in nearly three years or has had no contact with them for there birthdays or christmas. If he ever come back one day wanting to see them i would feel like you do i would not want him to see the kids. I belive they either be in there life or not, not in and out. If he is just gonna be in and out of her life and not change i would just stay strong and protect her from getting her hopes up and getting hurt by daddy all the time. my x is in and out of jail all the time and sometimes the kids are better of with out them. If your husband a great dad to her i would be telling him stright no your not gonna mess with her head like a yoyo. any man can be a father but it takes a reall man to be a dad and your husband sounds like he making a great job of that not your x. stay strong i know its hard what to do i would do whats best for your daughter.

Falicia - posted on 06/02/2011

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Do what you think is best for her! Personally if that was my situation I would not let him see her because he sounds like a complete dead beat and would use you and her in the future! He basically is just one of those.. what do you call it.. oh right SPERM DONORS. So be strong stay happy and healthy, and keep her with her real daddy. (New husband). Mr.Donor doesnt deserve a second of your beautiful daughters time or life. Good Luck!

April - posted on 06/02/2011

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I'd say ur gonna screww with ur childs head. she knows right now that her dad is ur husband right now and thats all she knows. I'd say give it a few more years and then sit down to talk to her and explain ur situation that, her biological dad was not ready for her and thats why she doesnt know him until then then give her the choice whether she would or wouldnt want to see him. and if she does make it so its a supervised visit and not an alone one only for a an hour or so.

Jessica - posted on 06/02/2011

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No, he has no right and this will just confuse her. He doesn't sound like a good person for her to be around and could hurt her in the long run. You know that all you have to do is run a add in any newspaper for two weeks saying you are looking for her father and if he doesn't respond than your husband can adopt her without him signing over his rights. My friend did that.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/01/2011

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NOPE, don't do it. You have full custody, she's happy, he's drama. What could she possibly gain from all of it? With all the drama, she's better off not knowing him, reguardless of wether you have a new daddy figure or not I would not let him. So stick to your decision! She doesn't need it

ALICIA - posted on 06/01/2011

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If he's blown her off for all this time, then as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't deserve her!! Keep her safe, and happy, and when she's an adult, if she wants to have a relationship with him, then it's up to her. There's no way I would let anyone continue to break my child's heart. Part of being a good mom is knowing what is best for your daughter, and doing it. Sounds to me like you have that down pat!

Sandra - posted on 05/31/2011

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Absolutely NOT!! I had a dead beat ex too. I had it written in my divorce that Visiting rights would be upon discression. By that it meant I was not refusing him his children BUT that if I felt he was not behaving like a responsible person etc then I would refuse him to see the kids. Even if he would have tried he would of had to prove to me he had change and not just for few months.Turns out that day never came so I never had to worry about it. As for your new husband adopting her, well it is only on paper. I have heard of some courts who will allow a parent to change a childs last name if thy can prove the other parent has not been involved and for safety issues and fear. Good luck!

Bethany - posted on 05/31/2011

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ive given him many chances over the last few years to be there. ive invited him to everything and informed him of everything and he always blew her off and broke her heart. ive never kept her away from him. until now because i know how much he can hurt her and now that she has a real dad (my new husband) i dont see the point of having my ex back in her life.

Jessica - posted on 05/31/2011

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To me, it seems like he is just pushing now to impress his new girlfriend, not keep his daughter's best interests in mind. Stick by your decision! If it is possible, get a judge to force him to sign his rights over. Show that judge that your ex is in no way fit to be around your daughter, at all.

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