should i send my 2yr old to her father's house?

Erika - posted on 06/19/2009 ( 62 moms have responded )

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I guess my biggest problem now is that my daughter, Amya, will be 3 in December and me and her father are not together anymore,we live about 3 hours apart and he wants to take her for 2 weeks. He has a new girlfriend that doesn't have custody of her 2 daughters for whatever reason and i don't feel comfortable sending her to live with someone who doesn't even have her own 2 children. Am i right for not sending her?

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User - posted on 06/19/2009

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I understand your concern. And do agree that he is the father and has the right. I also do understand your apprehension towards the gf. Yeah you don't know her situation but u do have the right to question it based on your wanting to ensure your childs safety. I say you set up a sit down with them. Go over to the father's house. Meet the GF. if possible stay for a little until your daughter gets comfortable. Since it's so far away, the first time, stay close by in a hotel or something. Tell the father how u feel about the situation without being judgemental. After all, you are a mother and its in our bones to ensure our child is in the right hands. Maybe u should ease her in the situation,...she's two and has never been over there...2 weeks is too long at first. try a weekend first. Then longer if it turns out ok. but honestly, do whatever is best for your daughter. hope this helps

Tanith - posted on 06/22/2009

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My son's dad and I split up whilst I was pregnant - his choice. But he still wanted to see his son. In the 2 years since our boy was born his dad has seen him 3/4 times a week. Looked after him for me while I was at work. He has supervised visits with him when he is dating someone new, but that is because I don't trust the women that he gets involved with and I don't want our boy to become attached to someone who will vanish again in a couple of months.
If your girl's dad is expressing an interest in seeing her, he does have a right to. And she has a right to get to know her dad. But. As other people have said, if he hasn't spent much time with her recently and you don't trust him, then have supervised visits, with him coming to visit you guys, not the other way round. If he is in a serious, long-term relationship then it is worth getting to know his new girlfriend. She may be an important part of your daughter's life. I have no idea of the laws where you are, but in the UK the law 99% always sides with the mother. If possible, don't go down the court route, it makes life nasty and unpleasant for everyone and your daughter will pick up on it. The important thing is to try and maintain open communications with your daughter's father - and his partner if they're serious - and to work together to give your daughter as much of a family as possible.
I would never leave my son with someone who I didn't trust. If you don't trust her dad, then he needs to prove to you that he wants to spend time with her for the right reasons.
Hope you get things sorted x

Becky - posted on 06/22/2009

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If he's taken off with her before, you have every right not to send her. However, make sure you consult an attorney first. Do you have a court order stating that he can have her for the time he's demanding? If not, then you absolutely shouldn't let her go. If so, then talk with your attorney about the concerns you have so that you can choose to deny visitation without violating an existing order. NEVER, NEVER place your child in any danger of being kidnapped, though. Just check with your attorney first to see if an exception to an existing order needs to be filed with the court. If there's no order, and you choose not to send her, make sure you let your attorney know so that you can take the appropriate steps to keep him from filing for custody based on not being able to see his child.

I think, if I were worried about the things you've stated, I wouldn't let her go, either. Let him come to you and stay there if he wants to see her so badly.

Whitney - posted on 06/21/2009

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I say no and I say yes. I think it all depends on your relationship with the father...Is he trust worthy? If so just try it for the 1st time and see how things go... its just 3hrs away if she ready to come home go get her or have him bring her back....You want never know until u try

[deleted account]

My daughter started staying at her dads when she was 2 but only for a max of 2 days. Then as she got older I extended it for longer. We tried a week when she was two but she was home in 3 days cuz she missed me too much. . I use to make her dad come see her and had him stay in a hotel for a weekend. If you do that then maybe you can meet the girlfriend and maybe voice your concerns unless you and your ex dont get along, but I think its our right as the mothers to sorta get to know the new gf so you know what kind of person she is.

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Gina - posted on 06/23/2009

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You have to consider other things as well. How long has it been since he's seen his kid? Does he contribute and support her, as well as support you for raising her? Does he make an effort to do these things? I have a boy turning three in two months, his dad left over a year ago...He lives 4 hours away, and we are going on one whole year of him not seeing his son. He does not pay child support, has never boughten one thing for his son. He claims he misses him, loves him, blah blah blah. In my eyes, if you do not support your son, you dont get him. Also, when I did let him go to his house 4 hours away...He did not bring him back, when i was the one that dropped him off. He was trying to keep him. Not good. So are you able to trust the dad as well? His dad also has another girl friend, like a lot since we broke up, and it is ridiculous. He also claims that my fiance shouldnt be around his son...?! But yet, he doesnt drive, and thinks it's okay for some stranger/girl of his to pick my son up...Nope! Good Luck, hope my situation will make yours seem a little easier!

Pililani - posted on 06/23/2009

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Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.


Erika never states that she does not like the girlfriend.  She is unsure about the girlfriend because she does not have custody of her own two children.  She has every right to be skeptical! If I was in her shoes I would not send my child with her father, especially if his new girlfriend did not have custody of her own kids.  A judge would have to decide that!

Erika - posted on 06/23/2009

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Thx every1 for ur input. its been helpful and i just want to let every1 know me and my ex have agreed we we'll share her every 2 weeks and everyother major holiday and when shcool starts he'll hav her everyother holiday and the summer. i found out why his new girlfriend doesn't have custody and even though im still weary about her im more confident in sending her knowing she wasn't abusing her kids more like abusing herself. thx again everyone for caring and being so helpful.

Glorianna - posted on 06/23/2009

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I agree that is a hard decision to make. I know I wouldn't be able to trust him again if he already kidnapped her once. Did anything ever happen with him kidnapping her? Spend time in jail? I would def say go with your gut. I have three little girls myself and if I don't feel comfortable with sending them somewhere without me then they don't go. It is our jobs as mothers to protect our children. Especially in your situation with your ex's gf not having her kids. Sounds alittle shady to me. I would most def go to court and have the judge make the decision with what happens. GOOD LUCK!

Erica - posted on 06/23/2009

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Wow...that is a hard one. The child and father should definitely be able to spend time with one another. My ex-husband and I divorced when my oldest child was one....he is 3 now. My ex is actually about to take my son for the whole month of July. He also has a girlfriend. When I found out that my Ex had a new girlfriend in his life, I took the opportunity to get to know her. We are now friends which I think is great for my son. I know that your situation is a little different since you don't know the situation with this girl and her own children. have you tried asking your ex-husband. I think that as the mother, it is your right to know what is going on, but don't withhold your daughter from the dad. I was once in this position too, but I just had to realize and trust that my ex loves our son just as much as I do and I need to trust his judgment also :) good luck sweetie.

Rima - posted on 06/23/2009

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i think u should try by sending her 3 days then a week & by time increse the duration gradually, cause she might be shocked & for you also to make sure that she's been treated in a good way.

Karen - posted on 06/22/2009

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i have the same problem with my 8 year old autistic son. he goes to his dads every 2nd weekend and a few days in the holidays that sound fair enough or you can also do 1 week night

Amanda - posted on 06/22/2009

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I understand ur situation a lot because I was in it at one point too. I have a four year old daughter and her father and I are not together any longer but I do allow her to go over there to be with him because I feel that he does have that right. In your situation I would have some sort of meeting with the father of your daughter and his new gf and voice your concerns and try to find some answers to why she doesn't have her two kids. I tried the 2 week thing when my daughter was young and it wasn't a good thing at all. I think you should allow her to go over there when you feel comfortable and after you get ur questions cleared out of the way. Also, I think it is better for her maybe to try one or two nights and progress from there on. I hope this helped.

Denae - posted on 06/22/2009

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as a mother you have complete control over who your child gets to be with and see. you dont know her or her situation, and if you deciede to send your child there you have every right to know why and what her situation is. being 3 hours away is another problem if something were to happen, you could just arrive there right away to get your child. i would be worried also. i am expecting and me and my ex are no longer together. he lives an hour and a half away. his gf has 2 kids but every time i have spoke with him i can here her kids screaming in the background, and i am struggling with the same deciesion.

Erika - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Stacey:

you have every right not to send her to her dads as his new girlfriend has nothing to do with your child but your ex's has a right to see his daughter with out his new girlfriend. if you are not comfortable sending her to her dads then dont arrange for him to come and see her on his own or take her out for the day and keep it like that untill you feal comfortable letting his new girlfriend be involed in your daughters life.



the problem with taking her for the day is we live 3 hours apart so its practically out of the question and his new girlfriend is so jealous she won't let him come here to visit.

Erika - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Valerie:

The thing that scared me the most in your OP is that you live 3 hours apart. If he lives with a girl that already got her kids taken away.... and he has already disappeared to Florida with her. Then please get rid of the guilt. He can come see her whenever he wants but he needs to be supervised. Someone that would run off with their own kid in an episode of anger is NOT someone that needs to have a child with them for 3 weeks!

I've only read a few of the other posts... but kids DO NOT get taken away from their MOTHERS for no reason!!!!!!!!!!! Your instinct is correct. And i understand how you feel. My ex's ex is crazy and I genuinely think that if she ever got a hand on one of my kids that she would steal them. So when we first seperated and I found out that she had come to town my kids were with me 24/7 and daycare knew that only me and my mother could pick them up that week. Dad did NOT get to see his kids because of some crazy girl.... sad I know. (and for those that will flame me for not letting him pick the kids up.... crazy ex threatened my life to the extent of the police involved while I was pregnant, and faked her own attempted suicide)

Please don't let your daughter go if you really don't feel comfortable. If something were to happen you would NEVER forgive yourself. you can't be too safe now-a-days. its sad, but so true!


and his new girlfriend is definently a little crazy,he lives with his dad and stepmom and they called me to pick her up once because his new girl was threatening to blow up his car with them in it. im still really close to all his family so they keep me pretty filled in but his mother gave him money to get out of pa when he took her so i know if he wanted to take her his mom would most likely help him again. thx 4 ur input it was helpful.

Erika - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Tiffany:

Hi, I am just curious as to whether your daughter even wants to go..my daughter was in the same situation with her father, he lived two hours away from us after we split up. My daughter got to the point where she did not want to go with him. She would cry and scream. The way feel about it is she was old enough to know whether she wanted to go or not..so I never made her go. Then he stopped getting her all together so now she definitely wouldn't want to go with him. He wanted to take her for 2 weeks once, but I wouldn't let him. That may have been wrong of me, but I don't care. I feel like I was doing what I had to to protect my child. You hear all the time about these little kids going missing..if you feel you shouldn't let her go then i would stick to your motherly instinct and not let her. Hope I have helped you :)


she does ask about him but when its time for her nap or bedtime she is ready to be home with me.

Valerie - posted on 06/22/2009

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The thing that scared me the most in your OP is that you live 3 hours apart. If he lives with a girl that already got her kids taken away.... and he has already disappeared to Florida with her. Then please get rid of the guilt. He can come see her whenever he wants but he needs to be supervised. Someone that would run off with their own kid in an episode of anger is NOT someone that needs to have a child with them for 3 weeks!



I've only read a few of the other posts... but kids DO NOT get taken away from their MOTHERS for no reason!!!!!!!!!!! Your instinct is correct. And i understand how you feel. My ex's ex is crazy and I genuinely think that if she ever got a hand on one of my kids that she would steal them. So when we first seperated and I found out that she had come to town my kids were with me 24/7 and daycare knew that only me and my mother could pick them up that week. Dad did NOT get to see his kids because of some crazy girl.... sad I know. (and for those that will flame me for not letting him pick the kids up.... crazy ex threatened my life to the extent of the police involved while I was pregnant, and faked her own attempted suicide)



Please don't let your daughter go if you really don't feel comfortable. If something were to happen you would NEVER forgive yourself. you can't be too safe now-a-days. its sad, but so true!

Stacey - posted on 06/22/2009

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you have every right not to send her to her dads as his new girlfriend has nothing to do with your child but your ex's has a right to see his daughter with out his new girlfriend. if you are not comfortable sending her to her dads then dont arrange for him to come and see her on his own or take her out for the day and keep it like that untill you feal comfortable letting his new girlfriend be involed in your daughters life.

Tiffany - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Becky:Thank you Becky. That is true no one knows what its like to fear for their childs life or fear they will never see their child again, unless they have been through it themselves.



Quoting Jamie:




Quoting Tiffany:

Hi, I am just curious as to whether your daughter even wants to go..my daughter was in the same situation with her father, he lived two hours away from us after we split up. My daughter got to the point where she did not want to go with him. She would cry and scream. The way feel about it is she was old enough to know whether she wanted to go or not..so I never made her go. Then he stopped getting her all together so now she definitely wouldn't want to go with him. He wanted to take her for 2 weeks once, but I wouldn't let him. That may have been wrong of me, but I don't care. I feel like I was doing what I had to to protect my child. You hear all the time about these little kids going missing..if you feel you shouldn't let her go then i would stick to your motherly instinct and not let her. Hope I have helped you :)








So when your child screams and cries because she doesnt want to go to school, your not going to make her go? Which one of you is the parent? At a young age most kids do have some problems with transition, but one they are with the other parent they do have fun. And you cant say she doesnt because you arent there. So Im sorry but I think just cause she screams and cries is not a good reason.  I think is sad you let your child control you and you give in. Step up and be a parent.









Jamie, don't insult a mom for trying to protect her child.  Many times, when we're talking about custody and visitation, there is a very real possibility of kidnapping - especially when visitation has been erratic at best, and Dad hates Mom and Mom feels like she has to protect the child from Dad for various reasons.  She's not "giving in" or letting her child control her.  She IS being a good parent, and you may have no idea what it's like to desperately fear for your child's safety while being scared to death that if you deny visits in order to protect her, the court might give him custody if you don't follow the correct "process."  I've been there - I KNOW!  It's terrible and scary and gut-wrenching, and you have no right to insult Tiffany for what she needed to do to protect her daughter.





 

Becky - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



Quoting Tiffany:

Hi, I am just curious as to whether your daughter even wants to go..my daughter was in the same situation with her father, he lived two hours away from us after we split up. My daughter got to the point where she did not want to go with him. She would cry and scream. The way feel about it is she was old enough to know whether she wanted to go or not..so I never made her go. Then he stopped getting her all together so now she definitely wouldn't want to go with him. He wanted to take her for 2 weeks once, but I wouldn't let him. That may have been wrong of me, but I don't care. I feel like I was doing what I had to to protect my child. You hear all the time about these little kids going missing..if you feel you shouldn't let her go then i would stick to your motherly instinct and not let her. Hope I have helped you :)






So when your child screams and cries because she doesnt want to go to school, your not going to make her go? Which one of you is the parent? At a young age most kids do have some problems with transition, but one they are with the other parent they do have fun. And you cant say she doesnt because you arent there. So Im sorry but I think just cause she screams and cries is not a good reason.  I think is sad you let your child control you and you give in. Step up and be a parent.





Jamie, don't insult a mom for trying to protect her child.  Many times, when we're talking about custody and visitation, there is a very real possibility of kidnapping - especially when visitation has been erratic at best, and Dad hates Mom and Mom feels like she has to protect the child from Dad for various reasons.  She's not "giving in" or letting her child control her.  She IS being a good parent, and you may have no idea what it's like to desperately fear for your child's safety while being scared to death that if you deny visits in order to protect her, the court might give him custody if you don't follow the correct "process."  I've been there - I KNOW!  It's terrible and scary and gut-wrenching, and you have no right to insult Tiffany for what she needed to do to protect her daughter.

Tiffany - posted on 06/22/2009

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To Jamie: Thanks for you input though I never asked for anyone's opinion. Your not my kids mother so you need to mind your own business. You can raise your kids..if you have any of your own the way you want to but do not try to tell other people how to raise theirs. You don't know the situation with my daughters dad so you need to back off.

Tiffany - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



Quoting Tiffany:

Hi, I am just curious as to whether your daughter even wants to go..my daughter was in the same situation with her father, he lived two hours away from us after we split up. My daughter got to the point where she did not want to go with him. She would cry and scream. The way feel about it is she was old enough to know whether she wanted to go or not..so I never made her go. Then he stopped getting her all together so now she definitely wouldn't want to go with him. He wanted to take her for 2 weeks once, but I wouldn't let him. That may have been wrong of me, but I don't care. I feel like I was doing what I had to to protect my child. You hear all the time about these little kids going missing..if you feel you shouldn't let her go then i would stick to your motherly instinct and not let her. Hope I have helped you :)






So when your child screams and cries because she doesnt want to go to school, your not going to make her go? Which one of you is the parent? At a young age most kids do have some problems with transition, but one they are with the other parent they do have fun. And you cant say she doesnt because you arent there. So Im sorry but I think just cause she screams and cries is not a good reason.  I think is sad you let your child control you and you give in. Step up and be a parent.





 

Jamie - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Tiffany:

Hi, I am just curious as to whether your daughter even wants to go..my daughter was in the same situation with her father, he lived two hours away from us after we split up. My daughter got to the point where she did not want to go with him. She would cry and scream. The way feel about it is she was old enough to know whether she wanted to go or not..so I never made her go. Then he stopped getting her all together so now she definitely wouldn't want to go with him. He wanted to take her for 2 weeks once, but I wouldn't let him. That may have been wrong of me, but I don't care. I feel like I was doing what I had to to protect my child. You hear all the time about these little kids going missing..if you feel you shouldn't let her go then i would stick to your motherly instinct and not let her. Hope I have helped you :)



So when your child screams and cries because she doesnt want to go to school, your not going to make her go? Which one of you is the parent? At a young age most kids do have some problems with transition, but one they are with the other parent they do have fun. And you cant say she doesnt because you arent there. So Im sorry but I think just cause she screams and cries is not a good reason.  I think is sad you let your child control you and you give in. Step up and be a parent.

Melissa - posted on 06/21/2009

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i fully support ur decision i would not be sending my child either yes his her father but if he had full custody of her and u had a new partner that never seen his children im sure her dad would not just pass ur daughter to u either thats a worry u dont know what could happen while this new lady is around different if she was going to be just with her dad, u do what ur heart says is right dont listen to strangers on this thing listen to ur feelings.

Kathryn - posted on 06/21/2009

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My daughter had to go to her dads and he lives 4hrs away from me. Mine is court ordered though. I don't feel conftable sending mine either because how he treats my daughter but i got to do what i have to just to keep him off of my back

Leora - posted on 06/21/2009

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If he is a good father, then there should be no qualms about him taking her for a couple of weeks. You & he need to open up the lines of communication so that you can express to him your concerns with this issue. The most important thing is the well-being of your daughter. He made need to inquire into why this new girlfriend doesn't have custody of her own children, & then ask himself is this the type of female he wants influencing his young impressionable daughter. You & he DEFINITELY need to talk.

Karlita - posted on 06/21/2009

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I think your right, but my son is the same age. He is court order to go every other weekend. I hate that he go's over there, because they don't care what he does. So if you been to court you have to, but not for 2 weeks. my son goes 6pm on fridays and i get him back 6pm sunday night, but it's not every weekend. so hopefully you figure it out. P.S. watch out if he takes you to court, get right to fight back.

Erika - posted on 06/21/2009

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to be honest i think he sees our baby as a money ticket. he nor his gf work,their only income is his ssi check,she doesn't have any income at all. when i lived in philadelphia he had her 4 days a week and overnight 1 night a week and complained that was 2 much 4 him,he baisically watched her while i worked. i don't know why he all the sudden has a change of heart besides the fact that the gov't has threatened to take his ssi check.

Erika - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Nichole:

And you said you are from Pennsylvania, so I am...I used to live in Delaware county!!!! And good luck!



im in lycoming county and he's in philadelphia so its a good 3 hour trip....thx a lot!

Nichole - posted on 06/21/2009

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And you said you are from Pennsylvania, so I am...I used to live in Delaware county!!!! And good luck!

Nichole - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Lisamarie:



Quoting Erika:




Quoting Jamie:





Quoting Tamika:






Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.












No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.
















She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.










 










If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.













i agree he should see her but i told him if he wants to see her he should come here instead of her going there. i was daddy's little girl and i would never take that from my daughter i just don't trust him. he's filed for primary shared physical custody and to be honest i don't even know what that means,i just need to know if not sending her is goin to hurt me in the long run.










Him going for primary shared physical custody, means he would have her like 75% of the time, and she would live with him. Not sure about the shared part, but I know that primary means that she would be living with him. The best way to settle a custody battle ( for the child) not the parents, is that you both agree upon something in court, without all the fighting and back and forth. It will only cost more money and more heart ache on the child. You do not want that. When you do do this, make your worries known, don't let him bring you down with bad remarks. Courts usually rule in the mothers favor unless it is made known that it would be best that the child is with the father. Again. Good luck!





It's not necessarily 75% of the time cause in my mothers case she has my sisters one day less a year than my dad just cause that's how the order was written and my mom still pays support. She has my sisters every wednesday and then every other weekend she has them from wednesday till monday that is half the month but she still pays over 500$ a month in support. The system sucks, I know.

Nichole - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Lisamarie:



Quoting Erika:




Quoting Jamie:





Quoting Tamika:






Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.












No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.
















She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.










 










If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.













i agree he should see her but i told him if he wants to see her he should come here instead of her going there. i was daddy's little girl and i would never take that from my daughter i just don't trust him. he's filed for primary shared physical custody and to be honest i don't even know what that means,i just need to know if not sending her is goin to hurt me in the long run.










Him going for primary shared physical custody, means he would have her like 75% of the time, and she would live with him. Not sure about the shared part, but I know that primary means that she would be living with him. The best way to settle a custody battle ( for the child) not the parents, is that you both agree upon something in court, without all the fighting and back and forth. It will only cost more money and more heart ache on the child. You do not want that. When you do do this, make your worries known, don't let him bring you down with bad remarks. Courts usually rule in the mothers favor unless it is made known that it would be best that the child is with the father. Again. Good luck!





It's not necessarily 75% of the time cause in my mothers case she has my sisters one day less a year than my dad just cause that's how the order was written and my mom still pays support. She has my sisters every wednesday and then every other weekend she has them from wednesday till monday that is half the month but she still pays over 500$ a month in support. The system sucks, I know.

Nichole - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Lisamarie:



Quoting Erika:




Quoting Jamie:





Quoting Tamika:






Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.












No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.
















She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.










 










If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.













i agree he should see her but i told him if he wants to see her he should come here instead of her going there. i was daddy's little girl and i would never take that from my daughter i just don't trust him. he's filed for primary shared physical custody and to be honest i don't even know what that means,i just need to know if not sending her is goin to hurt me in the long run.










Him going for primary shared physical custody, means he would have her like 75% of the time, and she would live with him. Not sure about the shared part, but I know that primary means that she would be living with him. The best way to settle a custody battle ( for the child) not the parents, is that you both agree upon something in court, without all the fighting and back and forth. It will only cost more money and more heart ache on the child. You do not want that. When you do do this, make your worries known, don't let him bring you down with bad remarks. Courts usually rule in the mothers favor unless it is made known that it would be best that the child is with the father. Again. Good luck!





It's not necessarily 75% of the time cause in my mothers case she has my sisters one day less a year than my dad just cause that's how the order was written and my mom still pays support. She has my sisters every wednesday and then every other weekend she has them from wednesday till monday that is half the month but she still pays over 500$ a month in support. The system sucks, I know.

Nichole - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Erika:



Quoting Jamie:




Quoting Tamika:





Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.










No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.













She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.








 








If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.










i agree he should see her but i told him if he wants to see her he should come here instead of her going there. i was daddy's little girl and i would never take that from my daughter i just don't trust him. he's filed for primary shared physical custody and to be honest i don't even know what that means,i just need to know if not sending her is goin to hurt me in the long run.





Primary shared physical custody??? That would mean your daughters address would be his and she would reside with him only visiting you. My mother has that with my sisters, meaning you would then in turn be paying him support. I suggest you make an appointment with an attorney and find out what is going to happen here. Most of the time they allow the child to stay with the mother but if yo go into court and don't know how to act they may change things around on you. I know my mother goes into court and acts like a crazy person all the time and needs to be escorted out cause my father lies and nothing ever goes in my mothers favor. Good luck, this is such a crappy situation..:(

Nichole - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Erika:



Quoting Jamie:




Quoting Tamika:





Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.










No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.













She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.








 








If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.










i agree he should see her but i told him if he wants to see her he should come here instead of her going there. i was daddy's little girl and i would never take that from my daughter i just don't trust him. he's filed for primary shared physical custody and to be honest i don't even know what that means,i just need to know if not sending her is goin to hurt me in the long run.





Primary shared physical custody??? That would mean your daughters address would be his and she would reside with him only visiting you. My mother has that with my sisters, meaning you would then in turn be paying him support. I suggest you make an appointment with an attorney and find out what is going to happen here. Most of the time they allow the child to stay with the mother but if yo go into court and don't know how to act they may change things around on you. I know my mother goes into court and acts like a crazy person all the time and needs to be escorted out cause my father lies and nothing ever goes in my mothers favor. Good luck, this is such a crappy situation..:(

JENNIFER - posted on 06/21/2009

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USE YOU GUT..IF YOUR NOT COMFORTABLE STICK WITH IT.. I AGREEWITH YOU IF SHE DOSENT EVEN HAVE HER CHILDREN I WOOULD ALSO NOT FEEL SAFE SENDING HER

Lisamarie - posted on 06/20/2009

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Quoting Erika:



Quoting Jamie:




Quoting Tamika:





Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.










No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.













She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.








 








If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.










i agree he should see her but i told him if he wants to see her he should come here instead of her going there. i was daddy's little girl and i would never take that from my daughter i just don't trust him. he's filed for primary shared physical custody and to be honest i don't even know what that means,i just need to know if not sending her is goin to hurt me in the long run.






Him going for primary shared physical custody, means he would have her like 75% of the time, and she would live with him. Not sure about the shared part, but I know that primary means that she would be living with him. The best way to settle a custody battle ( for the child) not the parents, is that you both agree upon something in court, without all the fighting and back and forth. It will only cost more money and more heart ache on the child. You do not want that. When you do do this, make your worries known, don't let him bring you down with bad remarks. Courts usually rule in the mothers favor unless it is made known that it would be best that the child is with the father. Again. Good luck!

Lisamarie - posted on 06/20/2009

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All I can say is follow your heart, and your original instinct about the situation. I let my son's father take him for a week when he was about 6 months old.. and not even 5 hours pass by, I went to take some extra clothes, and when I called to tell him I was on my way, his room mate told me he left him and without even telling anyone that he was leaving.. And he left with his girlfriend at the time. If he has taken her from you before, then he will do it again, and with girl not having her kids,.. that scares me. She might take her as well.. Maybe that my own assumtions of the woman, but shit, you have to protect your child.





If you do not have legal custody of your child, then I would recomend not letting him take her over night until that happens. I also agree if he wants to see her so bad you guys can make arrangments to meet in public, until YOU feel its safe enough for him to take her on his own. Meet his girlfriend as well. Always be aware of what kind of people are around your children. I hope we have all helped you in some way. Be safe and God Bless!!

Tra - posted on 06/20/2009

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i really understand u erika but to tell u the truth im in both situation i have two girls that dont see their father (his choice) and hes only 30 min away i beg him to come see them and he doesnt.. i hear u on how ur ex is but in a way be thankful that he thinks enough of his daughter to want to see her. my baby was with her for over 5 yrs and when he left he didnt look back i had to listen to her ask for him for a min now she gotten over it. and i kinda feel bad for him..

and to SHAREE yes 4 yrs old is to young to travel so long by thier self but its not his fathers lost its your son lost because your not allowing him to see his child as he want to be there for his son there is no law that state a parent ccant be a parent in another state and in all fairness that not fair to him or the child. then your son is going to grow up thinkin his father didnt want to see him or be there for him when in reality it was you holding them apart. hopefully you can work that out to.. as to when your son gets a lil older he can see his son. because my hubby deals with it everyday i see the pain in his eyes yes we do travel the 13 hr to see his kids but when he doesnt come the mother thinks he doesnt love his kids but that not the case bc she wants her money as she calls it but doesnt understand he cant just take off his job to come see them and that they could come visit as well . unless hes a bad father dont keep his son from going to see him . put youseleves in these men shoes sometime think of how you all would feel if someone told you that you couldnt see your beautiful kids. peace and hugs

[deleted account]

I know how you feel my ex wants to seperate our 4 year old from each for 6 months at a time every year. i don't like it but i'm hoping once school starts too he realizes she needs to stay with me during school time and him during breaks. I don't feel comfortable with him taking her with his history either.He lives 200 miles away.

Wendy - posted on 06/20/2009

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That's up to you. It all depends on the circumstances as to why she doesn't have her own kids with her. But if you are not comfortable sending your daughter 3 HRS AWAY, then don't. Other arrangements can be made for him to come see her.

Erika - posted on 06/20/2009

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Quoting sharees:

If you feel un easy about sending her hun, then dont, if he wants to see her so badly the he can come to you stay in a hotel and see her that way, i have a 4yr old, his father lives 14hrs plane trip away, hasnt seen his child for nearly 3yrs, his issue not mine.I say if he was that desperate to see her he would make a plan.



thats how i feel too. if he wants to see her he is more than welcome to but im not sending her there for 2 weeks.

Erika - posted on 06/20/2009

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Quoting sharees:

If you feel un easy about sending her hun, then dont, if he wants to see her so badly the he can come to you stay in a hotel and see her that way, i have a 4yr old, his father lives 14hrs plane trip away, hasnt seen his child for nearly 3yrs, his issue not mine.I say if he was that desperate to see her he would make a plan.



thats how i feel too. if he wants to see her he is more than welcome to but im not sending her there for 2 weeks.

[deleted account]

If you feel un easy about sending her hun, then dont, if he wants to see her so badly the he can come to you stay in a hotel and see her that way, i have a 4yr old, his father lives 14hrs plane trip away, hasnt seen his child for nearly 3yrs, his issue not mine.I say if he was that desperate to see her he would make a plan.

Cecilia - posted on 06/19/2009

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You are her Mama. It's your job to listen to your self and do whats best for her. 2 weeks is a long time for her to be away from you at one time. Try starting with a few days and then ask your little girl how she feels

Erika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



Quoting Tamika:




Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.








No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.










She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.






 






If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.






i agree he should see her but i told him if he wants to see her he should come here instead of her going there. i was daddy's little girl and i would never take that from my daughter i just don't trust him. he's filed for primary shared physical custody and to be honest i don't even know what that means,i just need to know if not sending her is goin to hurt me in the long run.

Jamie - posted on 06/19/2009

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41

234

Quoting Tamika:



Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.






No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.






She stated the kidnapping after my post, not in her original post. based on the information I was correct in my assumptions. That being said.



 



If he filed for custody, meaning visitation, the chances of him taking off with her are slim to none. At this point that would run any chance of unsupervised visits. And I still stand by letting him see her. You could be putting yourself in a bad way going into to court if you dont allow him to see her, he can and will use this against you. You have to be able to prove you can co-parent effectively with him. Thats really what its about, residental custody isnt going to change, the amount of time he gets can and will. since she is only 3 and you live 3 hours apart you are looking at possibly getting 50/50 time. Meaning she be there for a week then with you for a week. Best thing to do at this point is start out slow, allow a few hours at a time and increase it with every visit say by an hour. Start with 3 or 4 hours. and work up to a friday to sunday visit. If you can establish that before court you may be able to keep that. At least that way you can keep his time to a minimum. I work in family law and see the mistakes most mothers make, and thats withholding the child, It can not only get you into trouble but can hit you in the wallet if yomuch time has past and the judge deems an intervention necessary. At 3, this probably isnt the case. Anyways that just my 2 cents, take it as you please.

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.



No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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I fell you, and would go to court and let the judge make the decision. The fact that he kidnapped her before should help your case. He may still get visitation but it will most likely be supervised. Good Luck!!!!

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Jamie:

No I think you are wrong. He is her dad. he has every right to see her. Just cause you dont like the GF doesnt mean your child shouldnt see her father. And no you dont know the GFs situation. Maybe she had some issues but is ok now and its hard to get custody back once you lose it for whatever reason. Dont withhold your daughter from her father because of your issues. You have said nothing to indicate that he is a bad dad.



No you are wrong, if your read all the posts you would know that she stated that the father kidnapped the little girl before, that alone is enough to withhold the child.

Regina - posted on 06/19/2009

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I wouldn't be ok with the period of time...as far as the girlfriend issue....You cannot cotrol Who or Where the father takes the child when he has the child....you can just limit the options he has by limiting the length of time.....Like you have to see the child every couple days means he can't go too far before he has to turn back around.... So don't even argue the GF issue....just the distance and time away

Erika - posted on 06/19/2009

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thx everone for your input. i feel like the right thing to do is not to send her but she is almost 3 and she does ask about her daddy so i guess that's why i needed a second opinion,for my guilt. it breaks my heart when she asks about him and i know he loves her i just don't want to lose her again. thx again everyone!

Francesca - posted on 06/19/2009

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well now your saying that no i wouldn't send her. go to court and get everything in writting. goodluck and do whats best

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