Should I stay in my relationship?

Becky - posted on 08/11/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )




Sometimes I fell like my boys and I would be better off on our own.

I found out I was pregnant shortly after my fiance and I started dating. So we sat down and had a really long discussion about how to handle everything. We decided to keep our baby and stay together to see if we worked together. This was almost 3 years ago. Our oldest son is now 2 and we also have a 5 month old boy. For awhile we did really great. However now I feel like I do everything myself. I do all the housework and cooking, bathe, dress, feed, diaper and play with the kids. I never get time to myself. Some days I don't even shower if I don't wake up early enough. He on the other hand does almost nothing unless I ask him, then it is usually a fight before he bothers to do it. He plays video games all day, sleeps til 11:30 or 12 every day and stays up super late (sometimes I am getting up when he comes to bed). He yells at our older son for waking him up if he plays loudly in the mornings. Gets mad at me if things aren't clean enough. He does have a job but it is a project to project basis and when they aren't busy he gets no work, but refuses to look for anything different. He does't want to take a shitty job that he doesn't like. I am on maternity leave still but I sometimes cover shifts for people at my job for a little extra cash and he counts that as my alone time he also counts play dates with friends and their kids as alone time. When he does stay at home with the boys I worry that they are not being fed on time or close to their usual times or that he isn't playing with them and he calls me freaking out if the baby cries and he doesn't know what is wrong. Like he expects me to come home right away.

I don't want to sound like I don't love him because I do. But it almost feels like I am a single mom with 2 babies and a teenager on my hands instead of having a partner to help raise our kids. I am just tired of the fighting...


Michelle - posted on 08/11/2013




If you can't sit down and talk together then it may be better to get some couples counseling. That way you can each have your say with a 3rd party around and it would be easier to come up with a solution. It may also help him realize all the things you do and that he needs to help out more.


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Yenelva - posted on 08/19/2013




I think most men are like that if you allow them to be. We ( I'm guilty of it too) feel that we want things done a certain way and since they don't put the effort naturally and it is more work to fight over it, I rather do it myself. But once I realized this I had a chat with my husband and the bottom line is I told him either you help me or you leave and the I know I have to do it all by myself. He changed his ways and he's helping a lot more. I agree with michelle on getting a counselor, usually men need a traslator to understand their wives lol good luck and hope you get the best outcome for your children

Lauren - posted on 08/19/2013




Raquel - I certainly hope most men aren't like this. My husband definitely does more than many men, but there is no way I'd be okay with what Becky is going through.

Becky, I agree with what Rachel said, but I also think Michelle's suggestion of couples counseling would be helpful. It may be time to have a "heart to heart" tell it like it is talk with him. My husband had some maturing to do based on his life growing up, but at some point, you can't keep making excuses--you need to figure it out when you're a parent because it's not just about you anymore.

I would recommend sitting down and asking that he simply listen--or if that isn't likely to work, write a letter. Explain how you feel, outline what you're looking for from him (as clearly as possible) and ask that he work with you to set mini goals and steps to achieve them. Some of this could be done in couples counseling. I am never an advocate for leaving if you can work it out, but he seems to have some growing up to do. And, ultimately, if he doesn't show any desire to be an active part of the family, you may have to consider what's best for your family long-term.

Rachael - posted on 08/18/2013




Sounds to me like maybe he is lacking the confidence to be the kind of involved dad you want him to be. I personally don't think that only "the good men" help raise their babies, ones that feel capable do. Part of that comes from their home life: did they have a dad who was involved, did they have younger siblings that they helped with, stuff like that. But part of it comes from us taking a deep breath and holding our tongues when our children's father does something different than the way we would do it. God designed the family unit with a mother and a father because kids need what each of you have to offer. We each teach our kids something they can't learn in the exact same way from anyone else. Maybe you need to let him know that you desire for him to be more involved, not just for you, but for the things he is missing from his son's lives and for what he can contribute. And let him know you are confident in his parenting abilities and will help if he isn't sure what to do. Then, just let him do it his way, lots of kids have lived through an unexperienced father!

Raquel - posted on 08/15/2013




He honestly sounds like most men to. They are usually all that way in some form except for the really good ones and they're all taken. Seriously I don't think you should leave just yet

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