Should my mom be allowed to see my son??

Shan - posted on 01/30/2013 ( 18 moms have responded )

8

0

0

I'm a single mom, 21, student & still live at home with my mom but I feel she is on the verge of putting me & my son out. Every time there's a disagreement she says "you & your child can get out". Now I have places I can go but it's really nowhere I want to take my child. I'm looking hard for a job so i can move. It's not like I'm not trying. So my question is should she be able to see my son if she puts us out? I'm leaning towards h*ll no but I might just be speaking out of anger. What do you think?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

J M - posted on 02/02/2013

122

0

15

Transition from 18 teenager to 21 can be a big one specially with a a baby but thats your choice, looking at both sides as these always is to any relationships, your Mum sounds fed up about something and does not mean she is wrong to say what she feels, you now say you have family 6 hrs away, that can give you work, thats not at all far away, and if things are as bad as you say at home , you will go or just keep complaining, the move will surely enlarge your scope on life.
Aa change of place can be good to get you out of your "rut" you are in buy going around and around with the same issues, maybe, give your self afresh start and go, what have you to lose?

Its tough in the world, but lest you have a option as you say now. Nothing is the same when you are now the Parent with your own baby/child, that still not really be independent , rather you are still in ways a dependent as you are still with your own mother and understandably that can cause friction, but if she asked you to stay she may only mean the best, really you have no choice but to put up, or move by the sound of it any way.

You cannot allow others to make your own mind, up and cannot allow then to stop you moving if thats needed, also you cannot expect others to be on call when you need them just because its convenient for you, she's you Mum and best have a relationship thats friendly than at each others throat.


Allowing your Mother space can be a good thing, then she can be a GrandMother , but not on a full time basis all the time, you have no real reason to keep her away from you baby/child ( her Grandchild) she may feel you are leaning on her far to much.

Hope all works out.

Melissa - posted on 02/02/2013

13

5

0

Look, I know exactly what you are going through. Right now my family and I are staying in my home until we can get back on our fee. We've been living here for the last 7 months and finally next month we are moving out, but the last 7 months haven't been easy. My mother is a difficult person to live with so we butt heads a lot. My mother has even said, " If you don't like it you can go to a shelter." I know she doesn't mean it, she has just said that out of anger. Its difficult having other people in your space and it can have a toll on you. Think about what she is doing for you instead of the things she says out of anger.
1. She is letting you stay in her home rent free.
2. I'm assuming since you don't have job she is providing food for you and your son.
3.I'm also assuming she takes care of your son while you are at school, free of charge.

I'm sure there are other things she does as well. Your mom is probably just frustrated and if she does ask you to leave its a product of that frustration. I suggest having a talk with your mother and calmly explain to her that you understand her side of the whole thing and you greatly appreciate everything she has done for you and your son. Then tell her all things you have been doing to move out, so she realizes how hard you are trying. Assure her in a respectful way, that you are trying everything and as soon as you can you will move out. Take it from a person who is going through the same thing, if you stop your mom from seeing her grandson, you will be hurting more than just her. You will strain your relationship with her even more, and you can effectively destroy your son's relationship with his grandmother. If she didn't care about you two, you guys would have been on the streets a long time ago.

J M - posted on 02/01/2013

122

0

15

Agree with the rest of comments here.... but goodness would not like go as far as to make it a Legal tug of war with a baby in the middle.

So Yes you Must not be kept from seeing the baby if she even asked you to leave, what will that achieve if you do? Adult issues should not be a tiny babies issues,that like using them as a pawn , not nice, then you will only be forced by Law yourself to allow her her own legal rights, but simply no need to get that far.

With out knowing you Mums side of the issue this really one sided, and more like a teenager thing, you are well grown up.

If you have extended family like Sisters Aunts etc, and get support from them. You Mum if grumpy sounds tired, and simply needs a break for a while.:) all Mums get tired.

Ask the QS "would you put your own child out by the time they are all grown up at 21yrs old, and have their own baby? then you have your answer. What was " her" agreement with you, as what ever it was even if you did not like her boundaries , you still must respect or find a place.

But thats between you and her, its her house, and you don't explain what disagreements are about, like paying your way etc, or leaning on her to much as a baby sitter may be while you go out ?

You Mum can do that of corse, really you are not a child any more, and you Mum does not owe you anything. It would be nicer for your Mum to see her grandchild yes, as no never use children as a weapon to get back or manipulate.

if you are expecting her not to see her grandchild but you have your way all the time, seems a bit one sided.

You may of planned or not planned to have your own baby, however does not mean that was your Mums plan to be a grand mum so soon:)

Yes if you area also speaking out of anger, then only you know. I would not take it as been a negative thing may be your mum simply needs a big break, as others have said here to be abel to breath, and be a better parent to you by been apart.:)

Natasha - posted on 02/01/2013

44

9

0

I lived with my mum when I has my son was hard we don't get on well living together,but one thing I made sure I never did was use my son as a weapon when we would argue ! Remember your in your mums home her home her rules she maybe hard to live with maybe you both are to alike and that's why you clash? Whatever the reason don't use your son that's his grandmother your son does not need to be involved

Mie - posted on 01/30/2013

6

19

1

I think that it may be hard for both "your mom and you" and that both of you need your own space. When we are upset sometimes we say and do alot of things that we don't mean. Your mom is always gonna be your mom and love you. But I do feel as though you will appreciate the help that she can offer you . I hope that she doesn't put your son and you out and that the both of you can make different arrangements.:-) So besides her hurting words and threats is there any other reason not to have the grandma help with the grandson? If not I would say let her see him. and I hope that everything gets better. But just remember YOUR only ONE person. take it a day at a Time. :)

18 Comments

View replies by

J M - posted on 02/10/2013

122

0

15

Really people should grow up and stop using any child as a pawn. Cannot stand emotional blackmail, that may only have an effect on a child. Any relationship that may of broken down should only be between those X2 so called Adults.

You cannot control others behavior, you just have to make sure you are the better example we guess. Don't drag young children in to adult problems.

These young daughters may not understand when they use a child against their own relatives, they are using them in a power thing to get back at them, thats simply wrong.

You must settle differences, and lest be/act civil, for your child's well being. As how long would you expect to treat your own child's Grandparents like this?

You are your child best or worse example how to " solve problems" would be very careful, children and not stupid, when they grow up they will choose for themselves, and the 21 yr old may then miss out.


You will lose out if you try to ban Grandparents, and you will only be" indirectly punishing your own young baby/ child. when oder they can make make their own minds up and choose.

Denise - posted on 02/09/2013

29

0

1

Family support is so important for the stability of a child. I had the best family. It really does take a village to raise a child and regardless of your opinion, look at what is best for your son. If you have concerns or complaints that involve your son's well being, that is different. I have been the grandmother in the situation and my daughter has lived home on and off since my grandson. I am very close to him and each time her and I argue (and it is often), I am banned from seeing my grandson and he and I both get physically ill from the separation. He is almost 8 and I look forward to the day he is old enough to drive and see me. I have been nothing but nurturing and loving to my grandson, and there is not one valid reason to ban me.

Stifler's - posted on 02/07/2013

15,141

154

604

However you are a mum now you probably need to get your own place or even a share house with another single mum and raise your child and do as you wish and not have to answer to her.

Stifler's - posted on 02/07/2013

15,141

154

604

I think that if she puts you out why would you want to see her? You're a young single mum with nowhere decent to go as it sounds.

J M - posted on 02/07/2013

122

0

15

Reply to Jesse Roberts....:) good that you lest tried and worked something out, but not sure if this person "wants to actually act and get out ? or just complain, and try to dangle the child as a bargaining chip, something others here say not to do is correct.

Main thing is if the 21 yr old daughter feels her own Mum is acting so unfair, then wiser that she does not act the same:)

Not sure how long also its been since she had her baby, as she says child, so she may of been getting a very fair deal, and her own Mother/ now grandmother to her child age unknown?, just may of had enough of carrying her and another.... after 18 yrs of age one would hope that teenagers have learnt a bit, and even if she made a mistake to have a baby, or if specially planned to have one she is now 21, thus older and and wiser no?

Simple Grandmothers should not be fell to owe anything, after carrying for 21 yrs for their grown adult, so does the 21 yr old have a issues here? how can any one pick a side, when only one side, really it snot about picking any sides here, rather she should make her decision to go leave, or what else is there, no one can help her but her self.

??So just when should young parents that decide to get pregnant are suppose leave home that also have babies and expect most the responsibility to lay at grandmums house? that would be a good Qs to ask to.. seem to be a generation of GranMothers that are expect to put up with been a Grandmother before their time to become one.

Tick for tac never makes solutions only adds to existing problems a person may feel they have.

Cannot see her Mum either is Mentally ill, really its a inter personality thing, just between a daughter and a tired grandMother needing a break.

As this person says she has other options to get a job and help from relatives, really if was soo bad, she would of gone by now.

But either way hopes she finds Peace whatever she does, simply live is far to short, to play tug or war with a baby/ child in the middle.

Go leave give you Mum a break for couple yrs then come back and see how you have grown up by then, its hard to cut the umbilical cord but you can do it, and if you think it tough at home, why not prove what you can do for your own child now , instead complaining.

Jesse - posted on 02/05/2013

4

0

1

Hello 24 yr old mother of 2 here.
My opinion and please no one take it the wrong way. I come from a home where my mother was very mentally ill including munchhausen she verbally and physically abused me it only got better after I moved away not to say you are going through the same situation but I think moving out would help your relationship, women are so quick to take the grandmothers side I got so much heat from people when I chose to keep my eldest daughter away from her for a little bit. I was protecting my child from someone who had caused me mental anguish, something beautiful happened after that, she changed. She started to understand a little bit more very slowly that I was not trying to hurt her and now 8 something years later my mom watches my kids every weekend and adored them if she starts to show any signs of her disorder I begin to pull away again not using my kids to get the behavior I want but insuring there mental safety. I went through alot of rough years and therapy many times feeling inadequate in my daughter roll in life (only child at that). You seem like a very strong young mother, get out out of her house before your relationship with her is beyond repair. I hope everything works out love.

Lacey - posted on 02/03/2013

1

14

0

I wouldn't ever be able to keep a child away from their grandparent...... :/

Alisha - posted on 02/03/2013

28

34

2

i think you should still let her see him if she is a hood grandmother n feel safe letting her see your son then yeah he should know her my sister is in the same position she depends on my mum n help out with her son and cause its like have two mums in the one house hold its easy to clash n she isnt sayibg it because she doesnt care but your 21 with uour own child you should be standing on your own two feet and some ppl just need that push when the person helping them the most doesnt feel as though they are appreciated.
I think he needs his grandma in his life too regardless of ur relationship with her same as when the parents split as long as the child is treated right and safe with the other parent your personal differences shouldnt be pushed on the your child and strain relationships its not fair on the child.
Hope you make the right decisiin just remember you only have one mum and life is too short.

Shan - posted on 02/02/2013

8

0

0

Well while i am unemployed i still try to do my part around the house. I give her money from my child support checks, i get food stamps so the fridge is full every month & my classes are all online so im home with my son all the time. I dnt have friends so i dnt go out ever. I do everything for myself & my son. I had a place to move but my family convinced me to stay at my moms saying "why pay a stranger when your mom needs help to make her bills every month?" now im pretty much kicking myself for not leaving. I have family in south carolina which is about 6 hours away. They own a business & could give me a job until i get on my own but its jus so far.

As far as the disagreement goes she got mad because im filing myself & my son on my taxes so she cnt but i worked my butt off last year so why shouldnt i?!

Jodi - posted on 02/01/2013

3,562

36

3907

I think an important question here is what are you disagreeing about? I am assuming it is her house, and you are living under her rules in some way, and while I understand you are an adult, it IS still her house.

I also think that if she does end up asking her to leave, and you decide to "pay her back" by not allowing her to see your child, it isn't only your mother you will be punishing, it is also your child. What you would be doing is depriving your child of a relationship with her grandmother, and this could potentially be an important relationship in her life. You may not be able to live together (heck I couldn't live with my mother), but that doesn't mean she would be a bad grandmother. You are an adult, there are consequences to actions. I'm sure she isn't threatening you with kicking you out for no reason. So what are the issues? You are either going to have to resolve those or consider moving.

Amber - posted on 02/01/2013

11

13

0

Before you say she can't see him check your local laws. In many U.S. states grandparents have gone to court suing for visitation rights and won

Mie - posted on 01/30/2013

6

19

1

Well I hope that things get better for you and your son. Is there somewhere or someone you can talk to in your community that can give you the help and resources you need to get on your feet?

Shan - posted on 01/30/2013

8

0

0

I understand that but if she's threatening to put us out that tells me that she doesn't care about me or him. For the record she & i never had the best relationship. Growing up i would have things goin on that a girl would want to talk about with her mom but i didnt because i knew she was just gonna throw it back in my face sooner or later. I just feel trapped & the fact that she has this constant nasty attitude all day everyday doesnt help. It messing with my mind everyday just thinking she's gonna put us out b4 i can really get on my feet.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms