should my three yr old see his father?

Danni - posted on 06/20/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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i have a three an half yr old son who has not seen his father in a year!!! currently i have anew partner and we are expecting our first child together, my son calls my partner daddy!! however my son still remebers his dad and of course i will always make sure he knows about his real father!! however my ex an i split because of domestic violence towards myself during and after our relationship, my son was around this all the time and was always victimised!! my son was also told at two years old to come home to myself and my partner after a visit with his dad and call us f*****g losers, and was told to call me a bitch!! due to escelating violence and frequent accounts of the swearing and behaviour from my then TWO year old i stopped his father from having visits, as i beleieved it to be in the best interest of my son, Now a year of not seeing him, his father has decided to go to court for vivtitaion i just wionder what other peoples thoughts are on this if they were in the same situation as myself, or has anyone been in this situation. I would hate for my son to be used as tool, to hurt me like he has been used so many times before!!

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User - posted on 11/12/2012

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well there is always somewhere he could go to have visits here in ohio we call it patch works house call childsupport they can help you..

Leigh - posted on 11/07/2012

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I had the luckiest, most wonderful childhood as a wee girl because no men were around. I never saw violence and am not violent today. My mother got a man when I was 13 and he used violence. Not used to it, I ran away. Later I met my Dad. He bet me up. Then I got boyfriends who were all violent when they didn't get their own way. Then I had 2 children and saw how police and the system put me under men. When I was a child, I never heard about racism, or discrimination, or bad behaviours, like yelling. Or 'the secret' about positivity and punishment by principles of it will happen if you think negative(scary). As a woman, I get stalked and with violence, and people in the system sit on their bums and wait for death. As of what men feel, who cares. They only care about themselves.

Christy - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



Quoting Megan:

I agree with Christina.

And when the father takes off again with the child high and drugged in a vehicle, wrecks it because he was high and drunk and kills the child or seriously injures the child, then what? That all could have been prevented if mom kept her child with her. Anybody can have sex, not everyone can be a parent. I'd rather take my chances with the mom. That dad isn't getting any awards or any kudos this father's day or any other.






Please tell me how this is possible with supervised visits? A supervisor can stop a visit if she 1) thinks the child is unsafe 2) thinks the parent is high or intoxicated. So no he wouldnt be able to take off with the child.



 



iT IS POSSIBLE....iF U WATCH THE NEWS THERE WAS A MAN LIVING IN  NEW YORK WHO KIDNAPPED HIS DAUGHTER DURING A SUPERVISED VISITATION. HE WAS CAUGHT OF COURSE WEEKS LATER BUT IT IS STILL POSSIBLE. 





 

Danni - posted on 06/22/2009

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thaks for the info jamie! as for proof of him getting high, i have it written in messages to me from his mother as thats who he was living with at the time, also have had many witnesses and people that known he gets high and have seen him high!! that really is the only way i can prove it!!! im very glad to know that the anger management classes i can bring up, as this would take a load off my mind and as for the dv i have no issues proving that as i have had several reports with police as well as him being charged for aggrevated assault towards myself, many of these police reports say that my son was ther and witnessed all of this, as i have also had police tell me they had to report it to child services, although i never heard any more on this!! our divorce stipulates nothing about a parenting plan! i live in austarlia im not sure if you live here to, but when divorce was filed in court a judge asked me why my son didnt see his father i stated it due to dv and the fact he had not seen him in a year due to his fathers choice, this was fine with the judge and she put through our divorce without a problem or any more questions about it as she said she was satisfied with my sons living arrangements!! i am currently in the proccess of getting legal aid as i wish to be prepared before i have to go to court, again assuming that he follows through with it, thankyou for the help and answering a few of my questions!! like i said earlier i understand that my sons father to has rights, i just dont want my son hurt as he is the type of person that floats in an out of his life when itis convieneitn for him, again i say i will never lie to my son or keep secrets about his father from hmas i beleiev he will end up resenting me for that and i would never forgive myself, i really just want my son to be safe!!! also can i ask what is it that will make a judge give supervised visitation ie(what sort of things, drugs abuse, past records) and how often is he entitled to supervised visits a year ago it was two hours a fortnight, but can i ask for more or less visit?say once every 3 weeks or a month for example, though im sure this is not practical as it i suppose does not allow him to form a frequent bond, but still i wonder?

Jamie - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Christina:

why does he need to see him?



Um, because thats his father. he didnt get to pick who he was born to. But he should be able to form his own opinions about both parents. In a supervised visit a child can build a relationship with the other parent. 

Jamie - posted on 06/22/2009

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Quoting Megan:

I agree with Christina.

And when the father takes off again with the child high and drugged in a vehicle, wrecks it because he was high and drunk and kills the child or seriously injures the child, then what? That all could have been prevented if mom kept her child with her. Anybody can have sex, not everyone can be a parent. I'd rather take my chances with the mom. That dad isn't getting any awards or any kudos this father's day or any other.



Please tell me how this is possible with supervised visits? A supervisor can stop a visit if she 1) thinks the child is unsafe 2) thinks the parent is high or intoxicated. So no he wouldnt be able to take off with the child.

Jamie - posted on 06/22/2009

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1. you can ask the judge for anything you want. this needs to be in writing filed to the court and a copy to the other side.



2. Drug testing: you can ask for it, but unless you have actual proof hes getting high or has in the past this is unlikely. You just cant say hes getting high, otherwise he can jsut say your getting high.



3. Anger management: if he was court ordered to do so and hasnt yes you can bring this back up.



4. supervised visits: as long as you can show proof of DV and that the child was present then this shouldnt be a problem. If he has an attorney forward all your DV paper work to his attorney, if hes not going to tell the truth you need to get it before his lawyer before you get into court.



My question is does your divorce decree stipulte a parenting plan? if so you need to be careful. He can have it put in place at anytime. And if you wont release the child for his time for any reason he can call the police on you.



Your post was long and Ive tried to answer I think everything. Feel free to PM me any time. Most women dont know how or what to do in these court things and cant afford an attorney. I have no problem answering any questions.

Danni - posted on 06/21/2009

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JAMIE can i ask a few questions seeing how you work in family law?????? firstly i would just like to state that the situation as it stands now is that he has seen a lawyer and not told them the entire truth because this lawyer is telling him he will get normal visitation at his house once or twice a week full days, withouth any supervision, so in this instance he is not being truthfull as i have spoken to lawyers myself and have been told that supervised visit is where this is heading due to the violence and effect it had on my son. secondly i was then informed if i dont agree to that staright away i would have to attend mediation, which i am exempt from due to the violence so again has he told his lawyer the truth?? third step is obvious it goes to court!! what i would like to ask if you know is when it goes through the courts can i stipulate certain things before he sees my son, for example can i ask that he do anger management? the reason being is he was meant to do this last year but never completed it, this was court ordered also!!! also can i stipulate things like he is not to punish my son, due to the violence and the lack of self control? can i ask he be drug tested before seeing my son? cos on many occasions he had visitation with my son and would sit in a closed room with him smoking marijuana, which i dont beleieve he should have done an told him numerous times not to do it!! lastly can i ask that he is not to say anything nasty about myself, my partner and our new child, i ask because like i said when he was seeing my son and i have been told by several people he lived with including his ex partners that he woyuld not spend quality time with my son until half an hour before i would pickk him up, then this quality time involved him telling him to come home and call me a fucking bitch, a fucking loser, and my partner also coped the same! i would hate to go through that again as it was not right that i had to tell my child of because his father was telling him to do these things? so im just wondering is can these things be stipulated before he sees his son, none of them are unfair on my sons father!!! as you work for family law what are your thought son this and can it be done? there are other underlying reasons i have concerns for my son that will all come up in court and underlying reasons he has not seen his dad also, we recently went through a divorce as i was married to my sons father which i admit was very silly to do at such a young age, but my ex never attended the court hearing when he should have because he had not been seeing his son, i believe he should have been there to organise something to get the ball rolling to see his son if he really cared that much about his son, i believe if he cared that much about his son he would have started it last year when i offered him the oppurtunity!!! i dont understand why he has left it this long!!! but because of things on his criminal record he has blown any chance of getting more then supervised visitation. after we split up i did the right thing by his father i took our son to his house for sleep overs twice a week i took all his clothes and food that he would need, however as time went on things got worse and his fathers attitude got worse so visits were cut shorter an shorter which cause many problems for me including, him threatening to kill me, and kidnap my son!!! this so called father also tried several times to commit suicide infornt of his son, as well as whilst driving at high speeds with my son an his father in the car he would pull at my steering wheel vering my car of the road at 100kmph pottentially causing an accident, and when doing this he would say if i cant have him why should you? so i ask again is this a responsible trustworthy parent, no!!! at that particular stage in life i believed to be doing the best thing by my son, as did my sons fathers mother( the lady abused) and his own father and brother!! my son still has ontact with the grandparents and uncle, as im trying to the right thing by my son, and again like i said i gave my sons father the oppurtunity to see his son his mother organised legal appointments for him but he never followed through, this i could not help, as i told him he would have to go through the courts cos i would no longer put my son in that enviroment until he went to court and he never did!!!

Jessica - posted on 06/21/2009

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I know that it is hard but I have been there.Your son will go through a lot more than he already has. Just let him know you will always be there and it is not his fault. You and his step-dad still love him no matter what happens. If this man has changed than it would be good for your son if not than he will never know what he is missing out on with the bundle of joy you have and that is his fault. It has been 3 1/2 years and my kids still have nightmares but they still know who their real father is even though the real father CHOSE not to see them. Danni do what you feel is right. Everyone has there opinions and not always right, but they are entitled to them. To Jamie, I have a friend that was raped and ended up having a son. He is now 7 and the father just got out of jail and wants to be part of their live. She chose to keep him even through the emotional states and all he could do was laugh. She had no choose to sleep with the guy he just took it.Do you think that he has the right to see that child? If it was up to me he would never have kids again. I would become the next Laurena Bobbit.

Keyana - posted on 06/21/2009

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I think that you know the anwser to this question. You just need validation. Yes!!! he needs to see his dad!

Megan - posted on 06/21/2009

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I agree with Christina.



And when the father takes off again with the child high and drugged in a vehicle, wrecks it because he was high and drunk and kills the child or seriously injures the child, then what? That all could have been prevented if mom kept her child with her. Anybody can have sex, not everyone can be a parent. I'd rather take my chances with the mom. That dad isn't getting any awards or any kudos this father's day or any other.

Jamie - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting christy:



Quoting Jamie:

Are you guys serious, sorry you DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT TO KEEP A FATHER FROM HIS CHILD. Ask a judge he will so much as to tell you this. You think its the best interest of the child because you have personal issues with the father. Again, YOU SLEPT WITH HIM, that makes him attached with you forever. If you didnt want a child with him you should have never had sex with him. You have an agenda, Father has an agenda, and the court has the laws. Please someone show me in a law where it says a mother can keep a child from his/her father? Please just one. Wait you cant because it doesnt exist. I work in family law, I see every day where mothers keep thier child from their father because "its was in his/her best interest" and 9 times out of 10 it bites them in the ass. A child is born to 2 parents and should be raised and supported by 2 parents. If one parent has issues there are things that can be done, supervised visits, counseling, therapeutic interventions. There are proper ways to do things and keep a child is not the proper way.






R U SERIOUS!?   If U choose to place UR child in a situation where they could be physically harmed than that is on YOU!!!! She is being a good parent and taking her child's welfare into consideration. No one should ever deny a parent the right to see their child but when abuse is involved I think that might be the exception. I dont know what court system U work for but Im sure any judge would agree that an abusive father should not have visitaion with their child. This kind of hostility and Judgmental attitude UR sending is really not needed in this conversation. She is being a GOOD parent!!!





Im sorry hate to tell you. But a judge usually orders SUPERVISED VISITS in DV cases. And usually therapy for all involved. I never said oh yes just send the kid to his dad house unsupervised and hope for the best. There are proper ways to do things and other options then keeping a child from the other parent. Apparently MOST MOTHER'S would rather keep the child away, then in fact do what is IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. . Thats what SUPERVISED VISITS ARE FOR.  Plus, she said the child was never harmed in the DV just her and the Grandmother. So there is only a slight concern of him abusing the child and in a SUPERVISED setting the chance is almost impossible.  Now if he refuses to agree to supervised visits or chooses not to go to court, thats on him. But by at least giving the option you show a judge, should you end up in court, that you are willing to co-parent as long as the child is in a safe enviornment.  Not that mom or dad is comfortable but thats safe for the child.

Christy - posted on 06/21/2009

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Quoting Jamie:

Are you guys serious, sorry you DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT TO KEEP A FATHER FROM HIS CHILD. Ask a judge he will so much as to tell you this. You think its the best interest of the child because you have personal issues with the father. Again, YOU SLEPT WITH HIM, that makes him attached with you forever. If you didnt want a child with him you should have never had sex with him. You have an agenda, Father has an agenda, and the court has the laws. Please someone show me in a law where it says a mother can keep a child from his/her father? Please just one. Wait you cant because it doesnt exist. I work in family law, I see every day where mothers keep thier child from their father because "its was in his/her best interest" and 9 times out of 10 it bites them in the ass. A child is born to 2 parents and should be raised and supported by 2 parents. If one parent has issues there are things that can be done, supervised visits, counseling, therapeutic interventions. There are proper ways to do things and keep a child is not the proper way.



R U SERIOUS!?   If U choose to place UR child in a situation where they could be physically harmed than that is on YOU!!!! She is being a good parent and taking her child's welfare into consideration. No one should ever deny a parent the right to see their child but when abuse is involved I think that might be the exception. I dont know what court system U work for but Im sure any judge would agree that an abusive father should not have visitaion with their child. This kind of hostility and Judgmental attitude UR sending is really not needed in this conversation. She is being a GOOD parent!!!

Danni - posted on 06/21/2009

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i like many of you agree that a father has every right in seeing their children, and i would also like to speculate that i only temporaraly stopped visitation and offered my sons father the oppurtunity to go to the courts for visitation however the oppurtunity was never taken up, he also had his mother help him organise legal appointments so he could see his son, but again never followed through!i never said he could never see his son again and like i said i gave him many oppurtunity to go through with court proccedings!!! i just think it is wrong for him to want to walk back into his life when it is convienient enough for him, and worry about my child getting dissapointed in the long run!!! im well aware my son will form his own opinions of his father in which of course i will allow him to do, ideally i would have liked my sons father to go through court so he could maintain that bond with him, however things did not work out that way, this not being my fault as he was offered choices and never followed through!!! i too agree with you jamie that a child is born with 2 parents and every parent has a right to be involved in their chiilds life which again i state i have many times given him the option!!! however again to those of you saying it shouldnt matter about dv, i was not the only one effected by this my son was also effected to he witnessed many accounts of violence not onkly to myself but to his grandmother and other family memebers, many of these reasons due to the fact that his father does drugs!! on occasions his father has taken off with him in a stolen car on his learners whilst being high and drunk potentially endangering my sons life, so i ask is this a responsible parent????? i have no issues with the fact that my sons father should and will get supervised visitation with my son and i beleieve this to be the best course of action as it will protect my son, again i would never stop my son from knowing his father as that is my sons right!!! i am not keeping my son away due to personal reasons with my sons father in fact if my sons father had done the right thing by his son in the first place visits would have never ceased!!! this matter will be going through the courts, and when it does i will be glad to have it all over and i will hope and pray that my sons father will do the right thing by our child and stick it out, as normally he is not the typew to do so!! i thankyou for all your opinions and was just wondering if anyone has been through this and general thoughts on it!! THANKS:)

Toriel - posted on 06/20/2009

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i agree with jamie that a father does have a right to see his child. however there are some cercumstances that its safer for the child not to have contact with the father. i have a five year old who has not seen his father and i have not intention of letting him, due to the extrem safty issues. ihave been to court over this and i have orders in place,as it is to dangerous for my son to be any where near his father. and as for the coment you chose to have this child, some times thats just not the case, as my situatuation was so bad i was druged constantly, high dv and i was forced to have the child. so yes a father should see his child but there are some situations that its just not a safe option.

Ez - posted on 06/20/2009

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To be fair, domestic violence is more than just having 'personal issues' with the father. While I agree that in normal circumstances nobody has the right to keep a father from his child, I see domestic violence as an exception to that rule.

Ez - posted on 06/20/2009

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To be fair, domestic violence is more than just having 'personal issues' with the father. While I agree that in normal circumstances nobody has the right to keep a father from his child, I see domestic violence as an exception to that rule.

Jamie - posted on 06/20/2009

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Are you guys serious, sorry you DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT TO KEEP A FATHER FROM HIS CHILD. Ask a judge he will so much as to tell you this. You think its the best interest of the child because you have personal issues with the father. Again, YOU SLEPT WITH HIM, that makes him attached with you forever. If you didnt want a child with him you should have never had sex with him. You have an agenda, Father has an agenda, and the court has the laws. Please someone show me in a law where it says a mother can keep a child from his/her father? Please just one. Wait you cant because it doesnt exist. I work in family law, I see every day where mothers keep thier child from their father because "its was in his/her best interest" and 9 times out of 10 it bites them in the ass. A child is born to 2 parents and should be raised and supported by 2 parents. If one parent has issues there are things that can be done, supervised visits, counseling, therapeutic interventions. There are proper ways to do things and keep a child is not the proper way.

Megan - posted on 06/20/2009

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I disagree. Its my opinion that the "father" had his chance. He screwed up and made horrible decisions. It sounds like a ploy to not only manipulate you but also your child. I'd keep my child away from someone like that too. Forever. Takes more than sperm to be a father. My son calls my husband daddy and only calls his birth father "daddy" when prompted by his birth father. My son made his choice of who daddy is. And I'm ok with that. The birth father had his chance, he can go screw up someone else's life, not my sons.

User - posted on 06/20/2009

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Your sons father has every right to see him, as long as they are safe and productive visits. ABSOLUTELY get supervised visits. Make sure the courts know the past without you getting too emotional, they will think you are trying to keepp him away out of spite. Also, the visits should be supervised by someone other than yourself to avoid any confilict and avoid any further trauma to your son, he doesn't need to see you two fighting. Request that after 6 months or a year the visitaion be reevaluated to determine whether or not the child is benefitting or suffering from them. Also, maybe consider therapy for your son as an outlet, just someone to talk to because if his father is not treating him well a trained professional would have a better chance of drawing that out of you son than you are. Plus if you have to go back to court, you will have a non biased third party opinion which will hold up better than your word in court. Stay strong and remember that no matter what happened in the past and how much you may hate your ex, he is your sons father. Your son will come to his own conclusions when he's old enough and he will thank you for giving him the oppurtunity to have his father, whether it works out or not.

Laurie - posted on 06/20/2009

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I completely agree with Christy...I was going to write everything she said. As for what Jamie said, You have every right to keep him from his father. I would have too. Its whats best for your son, not what the father wants. Its obvious he only wants to see your son to get back at you by giving your son messages to tell you (call you names). So I say fight it and get supervised.

Christy - posted on 06/20/2009

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I would keep my child from any person, parent or not, who abused my child either emotionally or physically. As for Jamie's coment....Im sure Danni kept her son from his father for that reason. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. Your childs best interest is all that matters. Just because you had a child with this man doesn't mean that he has any right to see his son. If he were a murderer or child abuser or child molester would it still appropriate for him to see his son? Danni you are just doing what you feel is right for your child. Its our job as parents to keep our children safe even if that means from a parent!!! Do U want U feel is right for your child. I do think that a supervised visit is the best way to go if U choose to allow him to see UR son. I hope the courts agree with you and all work out for the best. Good Luck!!!

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2009

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You are not alone on this. I have (am) in the same spot. I would ask for supervised visits. Most violent parents would say no if they are using the child as a tool. My ex tried the same thing. My kids know who he is and where he lives, but they have not seen or heard from him in 3 1/2 years. Now he is trying to come back into their lives. I am now married and have another child from my husband. If the father has changed and wants to be there than he will go with the visitation on your terms. The court in the state were I live saw the violent past and granted my rights. The father did not like it and had 3 visits and than left. Let the courts know that you want him to be part of your sons life but you want to know that he is being treated as you would. Be strong and things will work out.

Jamie - posted on 06/20/2009

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First off, he hasnt seen him in a year because YOU kept him from him, not that he didnt want to. #2 Yes you should allow him to see his son, but it should be in a public supervised place. If you arent comfortable doing the supervision find a neutrel 3rd party to do or. Or I know in my state there is a place that does supervised visits and you just pay by the hour. You can call your court and find out if there is one in your area. Im sorry that you went through DV there is no excuse for it. But that is still his father, you choose to havea baby with him, thats not something you can change. I think you need to look into supervised visits now because you are going back into court and it will look bad on you for keeping the child away from his father. Offer the father supervised visits a couple hours week. If he turns it down then thats on him. You are showing that you are willing to co-parent but at this time think supervised visits are best due to 1) length of time since he saw the child and 2) his violent past and foul mouth.

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