So im pregnant and the topic of Marriage has come up, does anyone know what im talking about?

Tala - posted on 07/02/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Ok so here we are me and my boyfriend dating after 2 and a half years and we were friends for at least a year before we dated. I love him a lot and he loves me alot, we always have so much fun together and he is almost like a dad to my 8 year old. I am 6 months pregnant and since i got pregnant which wasnt planned, marriage has come up so many times. He says because he is christian it is a serious topic, i never really looked at it as a right now kind of decision, but he seems to feel pressured. He says he feels like he is obliged to marry me, not that i make him feel that way but he says the whole situation makes him feel that way. He says he thinks he wants to be with me like that but he is not sure yet. I am not sure yet either.and IM SCARED. what should I do??? HELP!!!

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Jenn - posted on 07/03/2009

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NEVER make a decision because of pressure from society or how it will "look". It's not the church, or the people in it, who have to live your life, it's you. I think it's wonderful that you both love one another and are committed to your relationship. You lucked out so far,on having a man who didn't just run the other way the moment he found out you were pregnant. While I respect the religious views of others, this is the real world, a world where divorce and the mess it creates is more common than not....and I know from experience that deep religious faith can be more powerful than even those feelings of being in love. He's feeling pressured because of those beliefs and the community....you may just want to marry him out of pure love and the desire to be with him, but for him, it's not that simple obvsiously. Living for other people and their opinions is a disaster begging to happen. When and if the choice is made walk down that aisle, please be 100 % sure that is is soley for YOUR lives that it's being made.

Jennifer - posted on 07/02/2009

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First of all marriage is supposed to be forever. You take vows in front of God and your family. VERY SERIOUS! We live in the 21st century and it is more common to have a child out of wedlock now than it ever was then. There will be plenty of pressure from within and from outside influences. Lots of confusion to you due to your hormones and so much more. The best advice I can give is to listen to your heart. Would you rather make a decision out of haste and pressure or out of patience and sound mind? Plus the way I looked at it when i was faced with similar situation, would I rather get married now cause it's the 'right' thing to do and end up divorced later, affecting more than just me, or wait out all the lil storms that come during and after pregnancy. Take your time. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to be it will be. You will have a peace about everything when the future is clear....until then don't sweat it. Enjoy what is going on with your life and live everyday as a gift not a right. God does not give us a spirit of fear but a spirit of peace and of sound mind.

Trina - posted on 07/02/2009

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My advice is to not do it because you have a baby on the way but because you both want to and feel ready to start that chapter in your life. So many people get married because of the stigma of having a child out of wedlock, and in the end, the relationship ends in divorce. Marriage is a sacred bond between husband and wife and requires a lot more work than having a child together. You've already been listening to your woman's intuition and your heart. I think you've made your decision but feel guilty because religion and his obligation to marrying you plays a huge impact. You two should talk about it more. If U decide to do it, be sure its because you're ready to take that step. Until then, stay commited to eachother and becoming the best parents possible when your lil bundle of joy arrives.

When you are ready, you know it. I personally was in the same situation about 1 1/2 years ago. We did marry while I was pregnant. We decided that because we were already engaged, planning the wedding, and knew that's what we wanted b4 the pregnancy.

Listen to your heart and do what's best for all of you and the relationship (8yr and unborn included). Good luck with the decisions you 2 make.

Kate CP - posted on 07/02/2009

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Getting pregnant is no reason to get married. If he's such a "serious Christian" he wouldn't have slept with you before you were married. Enjoy your time together, enjoy the baby, but let things go at their own speed. Forcing a marriage because of a pregnancy rarely works.

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Keira - posted on 07/04/2009

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A happy parent is a good parent, so as long as you guys are happy, then whatever decision you make will be good for your family. If that means living together, then that is great - that way the baby can grow into toddlerhood with both of you right there. If you decide to marry down the road, then that is a decision that you can make then. My husband and I lived together for a year before engagement, and two more before we were married (no kids until now though). We learned so much about each other in that time, and we just grew to love each other more when we had to share living space. Learning the compromises that come with a cohabitating relationship is much like a marriage, and in my opinion is good practice.

If he is still feeling pressure from his religious beliefs, have him talk to someone at the church. The church is fairly accepting of people who don't subscribe to every little guideline (i.e. no sex before marriage), and can be a great resource for him to talk through his feelings of confusion. They may also have the two of you go in together to discuss the situation, your feelings, and where to go from here.

Best of luck to you all!!

Amanda - posted on 07/04/2009

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Take it easy. Focus on you and your pregnancy right now. There will be people telling you that marriage is a must just because of baby but it doesn't have to be. Its more important that you have a healthy stable situation to bring baby home too. If you're unsure about marriage don't rush it. There are too many divorces and unhappily married people who felt obligated to do the "right thing". Take your time and focus on your health and your little one. Marriage can always come later.

Tala - posted on 07/03/2009

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aww wow thanks for replying its so nice to hear that someone else is in the same situation, yah yesterday when we were having dinner at a restaurant he asked " do YOU want to marry me? What do YOU want? why is it always on me and what i want, what about you... and then i froze.... i didnt know what to say, i was thinking is he propsoing or is he askin me out of pure curiousity? I was so shocked.... i just sat there in silence. I told him i want to marry him but im scared he isnt ready because he keeps saying stuff about how he feels a little pushed into it because im pregnant.... our decision to wait until 3 months from now when i have the baby is final... i think i duno shit i just want to be with him, i just want my family to be together,..... why does marriage have to be such a huge christian mandatory thing? I want to marry him, just not right now, were not ready and its stupid to think and keep focusing on what the church thinks, thier influence seems so cultish it pisses me off! do u know what i mean>?

Rose - posted on 07/03/2009

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Wow... I'm sort of in the same situation. Except the pressure was coming from my side of the family and church. My boyfriend and father of my child says he's ready to marry me and we talk about plans, but when it comes down to it, he always has a reason why to postpone things. I know he's just not ready. And I'm really not ready if he's not. We love eachother and I know I want to spend my life with him, but the whole idea of marriage is so HUGE! I'm scared because my mother was married 3 times and is still alone. I dont ever want to marry someone and then realize they were the wrong person for me. Its just scary. And I'm sure he has his own reasons. My family is very religious and my mom is always reminding me of my wedding dress hanging in my room and asking when I'm ever going to wear it. We lived together before I got pregnant but hes been deployed a very long time and I'm just now moving back in with him. As much as my family is religous and thinks what I'm doing is wrong, I know that they are at least happy that we are together. Its frustrating to hear the comments and questions but I try my best to ignore them because we've made our own family and that is what truely matters.

Tala - posted on 07/03/2009

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thank you all for your thoughts it means the world to me to be able to have other womens opinion about this whole issue, i love this circle of moms business because not everyone on my facebook especially my boyfriend have to see it. We talked yesterday and he said, he feels like what im saying is that " Im scared to get married, but then again i pressure him because he wont make a decision about this commitment" I understand where hes coming from because yes im scared i should be, this is not a simple light subject. Then again The whole thing about me being pressure is because we live together and i feel like were already married.... he keeps saying he might move out if we decide not to get married towards the end of my pregnancy so i told him well i need to know if were going to take a step towards the future because i dont think its fair to the both of us to take a step backward.... does that make sense? Does it seem like im being too pressuring? I dont know im confused i think its because i just recently became christian and i grew up as a traditional native woman where marriage was sacred and living together wasnt a SIN..... make sense?

Nichole - posted on 07/03/2009

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I was raised very catholic but both of my parents always told me never to get married just because you have a child with someone. I am very against marriage and it is for this reason because people get married for the wrong reasons. People get married because there is a child involved or because they want to be on someone's insurance or their bills will be cheaper. The percentage of people that married because they are in love is very low. Marriage is a bond between people who want to spend the rest of their lives together and too many people over see that. I think that is why the divorce rate is so high. I feel its just a piece of paper. I have been with my man for quiet some time and I call him my hubby but neither one of us plans on ever saying "I do".
If you going to get married just make sure it's for the right reasons and not just because you guys are having a child..Just my thoughts..

Tala - posted on 07/03/2009

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aww thank you all for everything that you have said, i just want to point out that I FOR ONE AM NOT GOING TO MARRY HIM BECAUSE I AM PREGNANT. I wasn't asking for advice about that, thats a decision already made lol sorry if i came off with that in question my bad. What i really wanted to ask was, do u think its fair that we just live together int he same house, maybe even get a new place together, were going to university this fall both of us right when the baby is born but i cant wait any longer ive waited for 3 years to go back to school so now im determined to go. My mom did it pregnant with my 3 years junior sister and with me when i was 3 she graduated from the same school cool huh :) But yah im stressing out because he keeps telling me how he hates the way the church looks at him, how he feels like he cant share this new message of Grace which he just found from pastor Joseph Prince which was never preached in our home church. He feels like they wont listen to him because im pregnant and were living together. We both dont drink and are doing out best to live the best healthy lives we can and love eachother and do our best to do Gods will but for some reason he keeps reminding me of how the church has standards and all this crap. I hate it, i just recently became a christian and i dont think God has standards, JESUS is the Churchs Standard according to hsi finished work at the cross from what i learned. I just wish i knew how to handle this situation better. I mean i said should we break up then ? Would everyone be happier? I said to him maybe we should not live together? but then i need his financial help and he says thats what hes tryna do, yet the whole havn a baby out of wedlock and livin together is like cheating ourselves out of what we should be doin during marriage... or is it>? Hmm im confused

Kelli - posted on 07/02/2009

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Never get married b/c your pregnant... that's a surefire path to divorce. Tell him to relax, and then have the baby... get married because you 2 want to spend your whole lives together, not because you're pregnant.... thats a really bad idea.

Kelly - posted on 07/02/2009

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Don't get married just because you are having his baby.......you can still have a loving relationship and be a family without being married, and expecially if you both are not sure and are scared...you should just discuss it and than when it happens it happens, i know that most people think marriage, buy a house, and then have babies.....well now days it just doesn't happen like that......just make sure that you are ready, if you are going to get married, don't do it just because you are having a baby.....thats not the right reason.....wait till after you have the baby and see how things are going then, and then you both can make the decision......good luck and i would think long and hard about this decision....it will effect you for the rest of your life.......

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