Someone PLEASE help I need advice!

Christina - posted on 07/06/2010 ( 89 moms have responded )

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Ok so where do I start....I posted a couple of months ago about how I was unhappy in my relationship. I finally got the courage to leave him. Now he is calling asking for his son, telling me I'll never see him again and that I am "done". I am trying to controll my emotions and not think about how he is feeling and what he is going through because he never thought about how I was feeling. I have my son with me and I wont let him see him for the time being until we go to court because he will try to take my son from me and I will have no control because as of right now we both still have equal rights to him. I hate that is happend like this I just wanted to be that perfect family but I guess not. He is calling and harrasing me at my job, my cell phone, and also my moms phone. At least he doesn't know where my brother lives so he cant come by there. I have been with him for 5 years and the verbal abuse is too much. I love him sooo much and its hard not to think about what he is going through. Some one please tell me what I did was right. HE curses at me in front of my son and I cant have it any longer. Any kind of advise or thoughts would be so helpful.. Thank you

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Meghan - posted on 07/06/2010

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Your son is what is important now. Not some guy on an aggressive trip. Do what you think is best for him. Has the dad treated you this way the whole 5 years? Have you had problems before? Maybe he is feeling tied down? Guys get weird about stuff like that. Fighting parents is NOT a good environment for kids. What his dad does to you in front of him, he will remember, if only subconsciously. To him it will seem that that kind of behavior is ok. And it isn't. Women are meant to be treasured and loved. And if we are not, that's when we get vindictive. Best of luck honey. Do what you think is right for your boy.

Jenna - posted on 07/06/2010

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I would apply for an emergency order of protection and see if the court can push up your custody date.

Candice - posted on 07/06/2010

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You did the right thing in getting out of that situation!! It only gets worse NOT better. It always start with verbal then goes to physical. I think you should have a family member or a good friend there but let him visit with your child ONLY with you there because it is probably taking a toll on your son. Then after the court date set up a public place for u to meet. As for him harassing you i would keep a log of the times he called, where he called from, what all was said and then give it to your lawyer every little bit helps!!!

User - posted on 07/06/2010

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How old is your son? Is your ex's name on the birth certificate as the father? Like you said yourself, you both have equal rights to your son at this moment, like it or not. He is the father and as of right now has every right to his child as much as you do. If you are afraid that he might take off with your son and you will never see him again, maybe have a family member or friend that is a neutral person "supervise" a visit between your son and his father. You can drop off your son before hand at this person's home and leave before your ex gets there for his visit. This way you don't have to see him and risk getting into a fight in front of your son again. Get documentation on his verbal abuse and harassment. This way when you do go to court you have proof of this. If he leaves a voice mail that is threatening, keep it so the courts can listen to it. Maybe get a restraining order put against him. Then you will have more leverage at court instead of it looking like you are just refusing to let the father see his son because of some personal vendetta or spite. Keep track of "gifts", money, or things he gives to/for the child...this will also come in helpful in court. Good luck with everything!

Karmi - posted on 07/11/2010

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I went through the same thing with my son's father and to be honest with I pressed charges for harrasment. Keep a log of all the times he shows up or calls. Also when you go to court for your son present the evidence to the court to back up why you have kept your son away from him for so long. You are doing the right thing, if you don't feel safe around him then don't let your son go. I know I sure as hell wouldn't put my son in the arms of someone I don't trust. If you absolutely have to then change your number and avoid weird phone numbers you don't know. If he is showing up at your work and threatening you have a restraining order filed to he can't come near your work. I have so much love for my son's father but with strength I have started to overcome those feelings and move on. Keep your head up girl, it will get better over time.

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Melissa - posted on 03/26/2011

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first of all, not allowing him to see the baby till you have court orders is a great idea. So many people do not realize that and they end up without there kids because there is not court order stopping either parent from having the child. So with him having a history of being abusive, it would not shock me to see him take the baby just to get back at you, and not because of love or the right thing. He would just be doing it for his own selfish reasons and the baby is the one who ends up losing in this situation. So i give you props for knowing the rights of your child. most don't. Also i do not think any mother who hass been in a relationship like you would have any thing other to say aside from you are doing the right thing, for your child. You do not want a child to grow up int hat environment, and when you are in it they are the ones who suffer far more then the abused or abuser. So you are doing more then the right thing, you are doing what you know is right to keep ur child safe from harm and there is no way to disagree with that

Michelle - posted on 07/13/2010

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Well sounds like getting away was the right thing. If he wants to see the child and you don't know what else to do, have it in a controlled setting with other people around. If you need to call your local police and tell them the situation so they are aware if anything goes wrong. they will not allow him to take the child if there is a history of any kind of abuse. If you can hold off till court that is really your best bet. Let them decide how compentant he really is. Mean while....PFA!!!!! For you and your child against him. Take all routes to keep you and the child safe. People really do get crazy in situations like this and if he's already stalking you and threatening you, JUST DO IT! Good luck and stay strong. Your baby needs you!

Cassandra - posted on 07/13/2010

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its never ok to have your son in an environment that unhealthy, especially when its Daddy. Not having a father figure around in the mean time is much better to having an abusive one. It does seem like your son's father is harassing you... do your best to be strong and do what is right for you and your child not for your ex.

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I can't tell you what you did was right because I'm not you but I can tell you what I would have done if I were in your situation:I would have done the same thing. You are right by not letting him see your son until court. Especially since he is threatening and harassing you. I understand that you still love him and you probably always will, but think of your son and yourself. You have to be strong in order for your son to be okay. Everything happens for a reason, just stay strong and if you believe in prayers, pray. I hope that everything works out okay. Just do what you feel is right for you and your son. I'm proud of you for leaving, that is the first step towards a better life!!!!

Sarah - posted on 07/12/2010

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Im in the same boat! You did the right thing, this is not healthy for you or your child. My children are much happier since he is gone. Youll be fine!

Belinda - posted on 07/12/2010

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you did the right thing babe... he sounded like a complete ass hole... the thing is u still love him and i understand it would be so hard to not think bout how hes feeling but youre doing what is right for u and ur baby. he's obviously acting out because hes angry but that just shows how immature he is and that he has anger issues that need to be resolved... if he truly loved you he wouldnt be putting you or your son through any of this!!!!!! and he definitely wouldnt be harrassing you and your family.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/12/2010

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you did the right thing, i had trouble like this form my x. it was a d.v relationship when i ended it he got worst. hes kicked the door in and tried to take our oldest son, i had to change my number and stop all contact with the children its been to court i got full custody of the 3children, and he was offered contact at a contact centre but refused he only wanted them to go to his new gf's for t.
I kept in contact with his family, grandparents but have recently told them no contact as they have left it 6months, they are now texting trying to get to see the children, but im now refusing as its not the 1st time they have left it 6months with out contact, if there any way you ccan change your cell number, and if you eed to call him, withhold your new number, if he is still giving you hell, take it to court and get an emergancy injection, where hes not allowed to contact you, hope your ok xx

Shahaliegh - posted on 07/12/2010

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You did nothing wrong and you did what was right for the both of you, as far as you not letting him see your son that was a super smart move. I went threw that as well when my son was two, his dad got him and took off out of the state and It took me four years to track him down and get him back. My son now eight is now scared for life from all the things that his dad did when he lived with his dad (drugs, alcohol,) Keep your son with you and keep him safe make sure he is in an environment that will make him feel safe and if that means he is with you then so be it. You did the right thing to leave a man that did not want to treat you right, and your son does not need to be around a person who puts you down. Keep up what you are doing you are a good mom, stay safe

Savanna - posted on 07/12/2010

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look I went thru the same thing except along with the verbal abuse there was physical. The best thing I ever did was got away from him. It was the best thing for my daughters and the best thing for me. It is in the best interest for you and your son. Dont talk to the father unless it is during court. He will say things that will help him gain his control back. YOu have to be strong. Your doing great by leaveing him. I promise everything will calm down just give it time. Oh and get a restraining order. That way he cant call you, come by your moms or your work.

Melissa - posted on 07/12/2010

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Document everything!! Have a recorder and record all the verbal abuse so the courts know how he is and hopefully only grant him supervised visits until he gets his anger under control.

Eva - posted on 07/12/2010

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if he actually wants to see him then you should let him think of later in life your child could resent you for it i do with my mother but you can ask the police department to come for a visit so you feel more comfertable but i think it would be wrong of you to keep him from his son IF (considering there are men out there like tahat) he really does want to see him... i think hes only do all those bad things because he wants to feel equal and see his son as well... but thats my advise....

Azlene - posted on 07/12/2010

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it is good you got out. i will keep record of every call have coworker write notarized statements. i know exactly what you are going through do not let him see him until the court date and be sure to share your fear of him running off with him with the judge. request supervised visits to make sure he do not try and leave. whatever you do do not beat yourself up with guilt and end up going back b/c of him not being able to see y'all son because you had to do what was right for you and your son u do not want your son growing up thinking it is okay to speak to u or other females in that manner stay prayerful od will see you through

Linda - posted on 07/11/2010

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You go girl! I am a single mom and have been one for almost 3 years and my daughters dad just wants to come back in her life and i wont let him.. so do the right thing and dont let him see your son till you go to court!

Soleil - posted on 07/11/2010

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first of all you need to keep a record of how often he calls you and your work and family. Any witnesses need to ready to testify, because court will get ugly, and the courts will not take away someones parental rights with out reason... and the reason has to be a big one. I left my first husband and our situation was the same. Don't stay alone, don't let him know where you are, and file for custody before he gets a chance to.

Christie - posted on 07/11/2010

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yes what you did is right!!! its not good to be in that kind of relationship,especially when your child sees and hears that!! and i wouldn't let him have his son by himself....until the child is a certain age the other parent is not allowed to have unsupervised visitation. as far as the harrassment thing, kindly let him know that you would like for him to please stop harassing you , and if it gets worse i would tell him you are going to contact the authorities and let them know he is harassing you. i know how hard it is to love someone and wonder what they are doing and going through but you need to think about what is best for your son. my brother always told me guys come and go and that there are a million other fish in the sea. just think about your little boy. HE will always be there for you!!! thats all you need.good luck and i hope the best for you and your son!!!!

Whitney - posted on 07/11/2010

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You did the right thing. I know from experience court can be hard. My husband's sister tried to take custody of my daughter and is saying that I shouldn't be allowed to have another child. It was obviously thrown out, and she got no rights or visitation. We made the mistake of trying to work things out, in which she tried again, but was once again refused. When this is done and over with, if you do right and prove to the judge that your ex was abusive, he probably will not get even visitation, if he gets nothing, give him nothing, because sh!t will start... again. Your son is what is important right now, nothing else. If your ex's name is on the birth certificate, he will be responsible for child support whether or not he gets anything in court. Keep it up and stay strong!

Amy - posted on 07/11/2010

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You have done the right thing. You have to think about your son and your safety. Stay strong, and pray for god to help.

Jennifer - posted on 07/11/2010

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You totally did the right thing for you and your son! Your son does not need to see how his father is treating you. He'll get the wrong impression about how he is supposed to be treating women. Stay stong for you and your son. Stand your ground. Don't let anyone change the path you have decided to take. It's the best one for you and your son.

Latanie - posted on 07/11/2010

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You did the right thing and no matter what u just have be a strong mother for your son...tell the judge about the father and how he treated you so bad! you don't want ur son to be that way like his father abusing women and mostly you! You should find another man who can teach your son to respect women and other people...think about your son future and good luck with the court hearing!

Da'Lyncia - posted on 07/11/2010

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I am happy that you leave him because you dont need someone like that to disrespect you in front of your son, wait until you go to court, I know that you really love him but you will end up finding someone who is better than, who will love you and your son and they will treat you with the respect and love that you both need. just keep your head up and stay strong for you and your son just remember you have to live to see your son grow strong like his mom. I will keep you in my prayers and there is always a way out

Kathy - posted on 07/11/2010

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What is stoppig you from getting a harrassment order against him? I think that should be your first step. I also think it will help you win custody when you go to court. Good luck.

Kathryn - posted on 07/10/2010

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when a girl falls in love with a man, its like her heart is bound to him, and no matter what he does to her, its so hard to break those emotional ties! If you were strong enough to do the right thing and leave him, you can be strong enough to make it through this! I know it'll be so hard, but nobody deserves to be treated like that. be brave, you can do it!

JoAnna - posted on 07/10/2010

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Personally i would make sure that if he is harassing you, to record the calls, because if he is going to try and get full custody, then you will need to provide them with evidence of why he is unfit to provide full care. But other than that, keep doing what you are doing. Stay strong, because you do not have to deal with verbal or any type of abuse, and your child should not to objectified to it!!!

Michelle - posted on 07/10/2010

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Keep record of everything he is saying/doing to you now. And things he has done, with approx dates, in the past. Use ALL that info in court! And anything else you can think of too... start piling evidence!

Shanon - posted on 07/10/2010

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I went throw something like what ur r. It going to take time ]. Just tell urself everyday that u did the right thing. Whatever u do dont belive anything he tell u . Keep ur head up and think about what is best for ur son.

Jennie - posted on 07/10/2010

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First i want to comment that you are a very strong and protecting mother which your son is very lucky to have. I have recently gone through a similar situation with my ex....he was abusive to me and started to be in front of our daughter when she was still very young because he had to see her under my terms and build trust after many bad and hurtful things were said and done...we tried alot of times to be civil but in the end i get called mean names and told nasty lies....i had enough once so i saw a family law information centre or even speak with a family lawyer....we just recently finished 4 court date and in previous ones his attitude and rudeness shined right through , he didnt show up to the 4th after screaming and swearing at a judge bc he knew he had lost....she gave me full custody they go after him for his help to support the child...this is what i needed at this point in time because things went waaay out of hand.....i tried for a very long time to work things out with this man myself and got farther and farther dug into a whole.....you have to use alot of strenth and protection when you decide to take the other parent to court...and if you feel that is the only way you will be ok and feel safe...then do it. they may make him take an anger management course.....they may ask for him to have supervised visits only whatever it is he needs to understand that he is not going to see his son on his terms if he acts like a crazy man. sorry this was so long but i have alot of feelings about stuff like this....and didnt have very many mom friends to give me advice. good luck with everything!

Elimar - posted on 07/10/2010

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First off, you need to get in contact with the police, calling you and harrasing you, is a complete no, no. I would try to get a restraining order on him, so for one, you are safe, and two, and most importantly your child is safe. Please, I ask you now. I could understand how much you love the man, but this kind of abuse he is causing onto you is not right. So please when you do talk to the cops tell them the whole entire truth and nothing but the truth, don't do like some individuals, like give out sly lies. Remember this, you have a child and if this continues on for too long it will emotionally and spiritually hurt him. You are better off without that man.

Amber - posted on 07/10/2010

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well my name is amber and girl you are doing the right thing by not letting him see your son until the court day becuase you don't want your son to pick the abuse cycle... amber

Laura - posted on 07/10/2010

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I'm going thru something very similar right now. We have mediation on the 15th of this month. I guarantee you that you did the right thing. Your son needs to see you happy for him to be happy. You did nothing wrong. If he wants to see your son then he needs to be willing to do things your way. my ex gets supervised visits with our girls every saturday when he bothers to show up... and he is the one who took me to court. If you file for custody then legally he cannot take your son if he is/was in your care when the papers are filed.

Angela - posted on 07/10/2010

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you totally did the right thing. i know its hard in the face of such harrassment but don't give in to it. i left my fella after alomst 5yrs of a very unhealthy relationship when i found out i was pregnant so i have some idea of how difficult this must have been for you. my 1st suggestion is to kep a record of everything, phoine calls, comments, emails, visits etc. if you feel you need it then get a restriaing order to protect you and your son. unfourtunatly he does still have rights (at the mo) to see his son, until a court says otherwise. if there is a freind or family member who can 'supervise' these visits then that may be the way to go for the time being. that way he gets to se him and you don't have to worry about him taking him away. if not it may be possib;e to get social services to help to arrange visits at a contact centre where they supervise visits. havin not had to go that route myself i don't know how easy it is to arrange but i do know people who have done that so it is possible. you need to set some ground rules, for your and your sons sake. i tried to do this with my ex and it always ended up in a massive argument so in the end we got a mutual friend to act as a mediator you can get proffessional ones too) and we went through him till we were able to be civil with each other. we never going to be the best of friiends again but we have now manged to get to a point where we not ripping each others head off and are able to make contact arrangements with no outside help. i spend my days hoping that one day my son will say he not interested in seeing him anymore coz his dads a dick but that has to be his choice, i want to be able to say i did everythin i could rather than have him turn round and say its all my fault e never saw him. i really hope things work out for you. i know that its hard at first but i promise you it will get easier, just never as quickly as you want it to. if you need someone to talk to/off load on you are welome to message me anytime. will be thinkin gof you. good luck.

Shelly - posted on 07/10/2010

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By dcf rules and police rules just recently went through similar. If you have him he can call the police and dcf and unless he can prove you are a danger they will not take him out of your custody. But you absolutely cant let him go visit, because by law if u let him visit he can lie and say that you gave him custody and until you go to court he doesn't have to give the child back to you. And it is because you are still married to him we tried writing a paper and having him sign and he did saying things suchas he will return him by this time etc and it means absolutely nothing unless it is signed by a judge. You as a mother are doing what is right to protect your baby. You need to have phone records voiceml and any other thing he is doing have a resraining order put on him and let them know you fear he will snatch your your child or whatever if you think he is capable of doing so. Also all of the info needs to be used in court to use as a character type thing to help with custody. Good luck

Kelly - posted on 07/10/2010

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It's so hard to break away from an abusive relationship. Verbal abuse is REAL and the effects are detrimental to everyone involved. You have to be a VERY strong woman to put an end to it. I have no doubt you made the right decision. Your son will not grow up thinking that this is the way men are supposed to treat women. I am very proud of you. Keep your head up, honey!

Nova - posted on 07/09/2010

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Well hopefully losing you and his child will make him pull his head out of his butt! On the other hand, when it comes to court the systen sucks. Its he said she said and you need proof to back up everything. My ex got over night visits with my 10 month old after seeing him about 4 times since his birth and being a convicted felon and drug addict behind my back. Just document everthing and try to record his harassing phone calls. It will help in court:) good luck, it does get easier I promise

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you've done the right thing,
you should get some sort of protection against him, it doesn't just stay at verbal abuse it gets worse -in most cases not all

TAKELA - posted on 07/09/2010

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well its illeaga for you to hold his son away from him you might need to go ahead and seek legal papers until court because he is threatening to take the child away

Elizabeth - posted on 07/09/2010

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I would call the Police and make a harrasment charge... Tell him you're scared what he'll do to you or to your son...

Stephanie - posted on 07/09/2010

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you did exactly the right thing, my first husband that's how he started out then when i got pregnant then it got physical, it took me 6 months to finally say i can't take this anymore, that was 6 months after i had my daughter, my ex tried everything to get his punching bag back but i didn't go, now i'm happily married and we have a beautiful baby boy, plus my other three that he loves just as much.

Christi - posted on 07/09/2010

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you deserve a mother of a lifetime award. so many women are too scared to not have a perfect family and end up staying in an abusive relationship only to have their children grow up and do the same things. you are a strong woman, remember that. i would go to wal-mart and buy a cheap voice recorded and record him calling you at work and on your cell and keep a log of the times. record all of it for about a week then take it to the police and tell them how long it has been going on and you want a restraining order. you are smart to keep your son from him if he is threatening to leave with him. think smart, don't say anything to set him off, just record everything he says and tell the police that you are scared. go in person and give them the logs and tapes. i know it'll be a pain, but it will keep you and your son safe and keep him from messing with you until you have your court date. hang in there mama, we are women for a reason. we are strong and so are you.

Sherrie - posted on 07/09/2010

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Get a temporary restraining order before court. It will keep him from calling you, stopping by or anything. And if he takes your son he will be put in jail because he isn't suppose to be around you. Then when you go to custody court. Drop the restraining order so you guys can make contact about visitations and such

Brigette - posted on 07/09/2010

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You did do the right thing just try to stay strong at least for your son. If he keeps harassing you, go to the police station and file a restraining order. Also i would file for temporary custody ASAP! If the father does this first you will lose your son until the hearings are over. Good luck and best wishes. Brigette

Jennifer - posted on 07/09/2010

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You have to be proud of yourself for getting out of the relationship first off. Second, you need to document everything. You need to let him leave messages that you can save and allow your attorney to listen to the messages. Do not answer for him anymore because the more information you have the better your chances are in court. If they hear the verbal abuse and his threats from his mouth that will be huge instead of you claiming it. If he is calling you at work have the people you work with document the time he is calling and do not take his calls. I know this has to be so hard for you. I just watched my friend go through a custody battle and the father did everything he could to "dodge" the system and I was at court with her for every hearing and it was so hard to watch. You have to keep strong and remember you are protecting your son.
Good luck to you.

Latisha - posted on 07/09/2010

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I think you did the right thing. You should just wait til the court date, if hes been threating to take your son, these no way that you should take that chance. I would change my cell number so that you can at least stop those calls. Cops can probably help with the work calls. If you record all the phone calls it will help you better in court. I know someone that was going through the same thing. I hope this help you alittle. just know that you are doing the right thing for you and your son. he should never see his father treat his mother that way, it only teach him the wrong way to treat women. good luck!

Crystal - posted on 07/09/2010

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I can understand your fear about him taking off with your son so maybe have a mutal friend who can kinda supervise the visit. If the Daddy is good to your child you can't take his rights away to see his child just because you to don't get along anymore.

Leigh - posted on 07/09/2010

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It takes a lot of courage to leave, especially if you still have feelings for them. You should maybe see about counselling to help you deal. Also, you have to remind yourself that you are not responsible for the things he does. You can only be the best mother you can to your son. Go through all the legal processes and maybe even tell them that he has threatened to take your child. No matter what, take the high road. As for him, I don't know him, but he could be acting out because he is also scared of losing his son. I hope things work out for you guys and your son can have a happy relationship with you both.

Cassandra - posted on 07/09/2010

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It is a brave and smart thing you did. I think if you're scared of him you should get a restraining order on him. I would wait until your court date if youre scared of him taking off with your son. you can always call wise and they can get you help. hang in there

DeAsia - posted on 07/09/2010

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Well for one make sure everything that he doing is in writing, black and white. You're going to need this for court. Two, by law he cannot take your child from you without your consent because you are the other parent. No matter if it is your own child, its still considered kidnapp. Always put you and yourself 1st and do whats best for the both of you. Abuse is abuse, and you dont need to subject you or your child to that. Pray about this and think about whats important. Protect yourself and move around. take care and i hope everything works out

Heather - posted on 07/09/2010

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Verbal abuse is just as bad, if not worse than physical. My mom was in a relationship like that with my father for years. The affects its had on me as an adult is something I have to live with daily. You made the right choice, and I applaud you for that. It hard to have someone harassing you. But stay strong, no matter how many times he will tall you hes changed.. Believe me he never will.

Linda - posted on 07/09/2010

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u know what you did right and dont let any one tell u different. you and your son need peace of mind and u dont wont him to grow up like him and treat his girlfriend like that. i am still with my two and one on the way father and i seen it all and went through it all and can tell u stuff that would blow your mind hun, so be proud of your self and go be happy with out him, because u could end up like me hun unhappy and he wont leave me alone so i just put up with it and what dont brack you will makwe u stronger ........ i am proud of u and stay strong and hold in there it dose get better he will get the hunt soon or later....

Rachel - posted on 07/09/2010

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Have you looked into getting a restraining order? (In MO it's called an Ex Parte) In some states this will give you temp custody until you go to court. And it could also stop the harrasment. He could get into trouble with having any contact w/ you.

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