Spanking??

Kelsey - posted on 04/21/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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How can you tell your child hands are not for hitting and then turn around and spank a child for an undesired behaviour?i dont get it. i think it sends mixed signals. "well my parents spanked me and i turned out ok" thats the lamest excuse ever......

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Jamie - posted on 04/21/2009

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Myth: Studies prove that spanking harms children's emotional and psychological well-being.

Reality: Some researchers have reported correlations between receiving corporal punishment and behavioral and emotional problems later in life. However, these studies have several flaws. First, most are correlational. Correlational studies can tell us only that two things are related, but such studies do not tell us how the two things are related. Suppose we see there is a correlation between spanking and delinquency. A correlation only means that spanking and delinquency are related--it does not tell us how they are related. Correlational studies can not tell us what we really want to know: what causes what. It might be that children are delinquent because they were spanked. But it might also be that they were spanked because they were delinquent? A correlational study can not tell us which of these two possibilities is true. Therefore, such studies do not prove that spanking causes delinquency, anti-social behavior, depression or anything else because correlation studies can not prove what causes what.



Myth: Spanking is abusive.

Reality: Spanking is not abusive. First, abusive parents often don't love their children. They abuse their children because they regret having them, the children remind them of someone else, and so on. But for most parents, spanking is done out of love and care for the child. Second, abusive parents lash out at their children in anger, not caring if they injure the child or not. But parents that spank do not want to injure their children. Spankings are given to correct the child's behavior. Yes, spankings hurt, but they are done so as to cause no lasting damage. That is why spankings are given on the bottom, for the posterior does not contain any vital organs. Do some parents spank too hard and cause welts and bruises? Yes, and they have gone too far. They have crossed the line between punishment and abuse. But this merely shows that some parents misuse spanking, not that spanking is abusive. Properly done, spanking causes no lasting physical damage.



Myth: Spanking teaches children to be aggressive.

Reality: Some argue that if parents spank their child, the child will learn that hitting is OK, so the child will go out and hit other children. But this is absurd. I've never heard a child justify hitting another child by saying that it's OK because mom and dad hit me. What spanking teaches is that parents may swat their child on the bottom when the child misbehaves. It does not teach a child hitting another child is OK. Nor does it teach that hitting for a reason other than punishment is OK. Most children will see this. A child who is old enough to be spanked understand there are differences between him and mom and dad. Mom and dad can drive a car but he can't. Mom and Dad go to work but he goes to school. So he understands that mom and dad can do things liking spanking that he can't do. Moreover, parents can explicitly tell the child that their spanking him is different form his hitting another child.



Myth: Spanking has no instructional value.

Reality: Some claim that spanking does not teach children how to behave. This is false. Suppose you spank your child for running into the street. Spanking is a punishment, and punishments stop behaviors. By spanking your child, you stop him from running into the street. So you have taught your child how to behave: you have taught him not to run into the street. But what if you spank your child for talking back. The critics would say, you teach your child not to talk back, but you have not taught her how she is supposed to talk to you. But you teach her how she is supposed to talk to you when you scold her before the spanking. Before spanking, you make sure your child understands what she did wrong and how you expect her to behave in the future. In this way, spanking does have instructional value. The critics might then ask why not just tell your child how she is to talk to you and skip the spanking. Unfortunately, telling children what to do is not always enough. Children often do not change their behavior unless the behavior has negative consequences--and spanking is a powerful negative consequence.

Michelle - posted on 03/22/2011

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There is a difference between 'hitting' and 'consequences'. In our home our kids were never allowed to 'hit'. We never 'hit' our kids. We did raise them with consequences. "If you behave badly you will be punished justly" A slap to the hand is only a consequence to disobedience.

Abigail - posted on 04/21/2009

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Quoting Jamie:

Myth: Studies prove that spanking harms children's emotional and psychological well-being.
Reality: Some researchers have reported correlations between receiving corporal punishment and behavioral and emotional problems later in life. However, these studies have several flaws. First, most are correlational. Correlational studies can tell us only that two things are related, but such studies do not tell us how the two things are related. Suppose we see there is a correlation between spanking and delinquency. A correlation only means that spanking and delinquency are related--it does not tell us how they are related. Correlational studies can not tell us what we really want to know: what causes what. It might be that children are delinquent because they were spanked. But it might also be that they were spanked because they were delinquent? A correlational study can not tell us which of these two possibilities is true. Therefore, such studies do not prove that spanking causes delinquency, anti-social behavior, depression or anything else because correlation studies can not prove what causes what.

Myth: Spanking is abusive.
Reality: Spanking is not abusive. First, abusive parents often don't love their children. They abuse their children because they regret having them, the children remind them of someone else, and so on. But for most parents, spanking is done out of love and care for the child. Second, abusive parents lash out at their children in anger, not caring if they injure the child or not. But parents that spank do not want to injure their children. Spankings are given to correct the child's behavior. Yes, spankings hurt, but they are done so as to cause no lasting damage. That is why spankings are given on the bottom, for the posterior does not contain any vital organs. Do some parents spank too hard and cause welts and bruises? Yes, and they have gone too far. They have crossed the line between punishment and abuse. But this merely shows that some parents misuse spanking, not that spanking is abusive. Properly done, spanking causes no lasting physical damage.

Myth: Spanking teaches children to be aggressive.
Reality: Some argue that if parents spank their child, the child will learn that hitting is OK, so the child will go out and hit other children. But this is absurd. I've never heard a child justify hitting another child by saying that it's OK because mom and dad hit me. What spanking teaches is that parents may swat their child on the bottom when the child misbehaves. It does not teach a child hitting another child is OK. Nor does it teach that hitting for a reason other than punishment is OK. Most children will see this. A child who is old enough to be spanked understand there are differences between him and mom and dad. Mom and dad can drive a car but he can't. Mom and Dad go to work but he goes to school. So he understands that mom and dad can do things liking spanking that he can't do. Moreover, parents can explicitly tell the child that their spanking him is different form his hitting another child.

Myth: Spanking has no instructional value.
Reality: Some claim that spanking does not teach children how to behave. This is false. Suppose you spank your child for running into the street. Spanking is a punishment, and punishments stop behaviors. By spanking your child, you stop him from running into the street. So you have taught your child how to behave: you have taught him not to run into the street. But what if you spank your child for talking back. The critics would say, you teach your child not to talk back, but you have not taught her how she is supposed to talk to you. But you teach her how she is supposed to talk to you when you scold her before the spanking. Before spanking, you make sure your child understands what she did wrong and how you expect her to behave in the future. In this way, spanking does have instructional value. The critics might then ask why not just tell your child how she is to talk to you and skip the spanking. Unfortunately, telling children what to do is not always enough. Children often do not change their behavior unless the behavior has negative consequences--and spanking is a powerful negative consequence.


that is the best definition of spanking i have ever heard thank you

[deleted account]

I spank my four year old and i dont think im sending mix messages. He doesnt hit he knows better kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for. I do believe how ever that the only person who should be spanking my child is me. Its not the place of a grandparent.

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Sammie - posted on 03/22/2011

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I don't recall claiming my child was naughty or anything else you listed. Also, I'm pretty well aware of what my parental responsibility is, and I meet those on a daily basis in a damn fine manner, whether I smack her or not. So thank you, I don't need you telling me what I should be doing as a mother.

I'm not saying her opinion is ridiculous, you are entitled to yours as I am mine. I simply said the THREAD is ridiculous because it gets people worked up and it usually ends nastily, not to mention mothers are accused of raising their child/ren wrong because their methods differ to someone else.

The point on Circle of Mums is to support each other, irrespective of parenting technique.

Sammie - posted on 03/21/2011

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You really started an entire thread so you can admonish other parents for their discipline techniques? If you don't agree with it that's fine and that's your choice. I probably don't agree with shit you do, but hell I'm not gonna start an entire thread about it so I can tell you you are parenting "wrong". I have a 22 month old, and guess what? I smack her. And I can guarantee you, when she is doing something that is going to endanger her or worse, I'd rather her sook about having a sore arse than a broken bone. And this crap of mixed messages? My daughter has never smacked/pushed/hurt another child. She sure as shit doesn't get smacked and then go and hit her Daddy. Yeah, I use time out, but you tell me what 22 month old understands "sit here until I come get you", cause Madelyn certainly doesn't.

Until you are a perfect parent who makes parenting choices that please EVERYBODY, stop making ridiculous threads.

[deleted account]

I only have one child, he is only 1yr old. So spanking is no where in the forseeable future. But I agree with the last point Jamie made in her long post.



If my Son continues to put himself into lifethreatening situations, ie running in the street, I'm not going to continue to put him in time out until he gets run over and is permanently in "time out". I whould be watching him closer, but kids get away. Lliving in a condo compex and constantly braking for kids with parents in hot pursuit across the parking lot. Plus I wouldn't want him trying it with his Grandmother who might not be able to keep up to catch him.



I don't believe I could ever spank him if he did something minor, ie wrote on the wall with crayon, he would just be losing his crayons for awhile and it's partially my fault for not keeping a closer eye on him. He isn't in any danger and if it takes more than once for him to learn so be it. There is a reason I'm not in a big hurry to paint for a few more years ;)

Stephenie - posted on 04/21/2009

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Jamie, that was the most comprehensive explanation of spanking I've ever read. I think it was great. I have tried spanking my boys with one it is marginally effective temporarily and with the other like Jocelyn I could beat the kid and it still wouldn't have any effect. I have switched to self-determined time out that has so far been very effective. I send which ever one of them to their room when their behavior gets out of hand and tell them they are welcome to come back down whenever they have adjusted their attitude and are ready to become a part of the family again. Sometimes they spend 30seconds in their room and sometimes they spend 30 minutes, but when they come back downstairs they are ready to participate in the current activity again.

Jocelyn - posted on 04/21/2009

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jamie i really liked your post! i know spanking is not for everyone, i tried it with my son, and i could beat him until the cows come home and it wouldn't make any difference in his behavior lol, he's just stubborn i guess (or will grow up to become a masochist lmao) but i know with my niece, all it took was one spank from her mom to learn _____ (whatever it was) i do agree that spanking is one of those subjects that will be debated and never solved. so don't judge moms on whether they spank or not

Jessica - posted on 04/21/2009

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People need to put that bible down and use some common sense. As long as the kid isnt being beaten, big deal! Parents discipline their children differently, that's the way it is and always will be. To all these mothers saying that spanking is wrong, you know what, let your kids grow and see if you've made the right decision. Until then, don't try to juge people.

Jamie - posted on 04/21/2009

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Yea thats why I made the executive decision to announce myself the winner for the most words in an original post, lol. Someone calling me a name isnt going to keep me from spanking my child, just like me calling them a name isnt going to make them spank their child. I just want people to have the proper information about what spanking really is. So spank if you want dont spank if you dont want.

[deleted account]

Quoting Jamie:

Myth: Studies prove that spanking harms children's emotional and psychological well-being.
Reality: Some researchers have reported correlations between receiving corporal punishment and behavioral and emotional problems later in life. However, these studies have several flaws. First, most are correlational. Correlational studies can tell us only that two things are related, but such studies do not tell us how the two things are related. Suppose we see there is a correlation between spanking and delinquency. A correlation only means that spanking and delinquency are related--it does not tell us how they are related. Correlational studies can not tell us what we really want to know: what causes what. It might be that children are delinquent because they were spanked. But it might also be that they were spanked because they were delinquent? A correlational study can not tell us which of these two possibilities is true. Therefore, such studies do not prove that spanking causes delinquency, anti-social behavior, depression or anything else because correlation studies can not prove what causes what.

Myth: Spanking is abusive.
Reality: Spanking is not abusive. First, abusive parents often don't love their children. They abuse their children because they regret having them, the children remind them of someone else, and so on. But for most parents, spanking is done out of love and care for the child. Second, abusive parents lash out at their children in anger, not caring if they injure the child or not. But parents that spank do not want to injure their children. Spankings are given to correct the child's behavior. Yes, spankings hurt, but they are done so as to cause no lasting damage. That is why spankings are given on the bottom, for the posterior does not contain any vital organs. Do some parents spank too hard and cause welts and bruises? Yes, and they have gone too far. They have crossed the line between punishment and abuse. But this merely shows that some parents misuse spanking, not that spanking is abusive. Properly done, spanking causes no lasting physical damage.

Myth: Spanking teaches children to be aggressive.
Reality: Some argue that if parents spank their child, the child will learn that hitting is OK, so the child will go out and hit other children. But this is absurd. I've never heard a child justify hitting another child by saying that it's OK because mom and dad hit me. What spanking teaches is that parents may swat their child on the bottom when the child misbehaves. It does not teach a child hitting another child is OK. Nor does it teach that hitting for a reason other than punishment is OK. Most children will see this. A child who is old enough to be spanked understand there are differences between him and mom and dad. Mom and dad can drive a car but he can't. Mom and Dad go to work but he goes to school. So he understands that mom and dad can do things liking spanking that he can't do. Moreover, parents can explicitly tell the child that their spanking him is different form his hitting another child.

Myth: Spanking has no instructional value.
Reality: Some claim that spanking does not teach children how to behave. This is false. Suppose you spank your child for running into the street. Spanking is a punishment, and punishments stop behaviors. By spanking your child, you stop him from running into the street. So you have taught your child how to behave: you have taught him not to run into the street. But what if you spank your child for talking back. The critics would say, you teach your child not to talk back, but you have not taught her how she is supposed to talk to you. But you teach her how she is supposed to talk to you when you scold her before the spanking. Before spanking, you make sure your child understands what she did wrong and how you expect her to behave in the future. In this way, spanking does have instructional value. The critics might then ask why not just tell your child how she is to talk to you and skip the spanking. Unfortunately, telling children what to do is not always enough. Children often do not change their behavior unless the behavior has negative consequences--and spanking is a powerful negative consequence.


I agree with you 100% Jamie.



It says somewhere too in the Bible (and I am not religious) that smacking your child is ok.



 



The reason why I said no one wins is because on previous threads like this one (they seem to be popping up everywhere, the same ones) is because name calling starts and people tell you how you are raising and disapline your child is wrong and they give your their opinion on how you should be doing it (the breastfeeding/bottle feeding debate) and then heated arguments start.



 

Jamie - posted on 04/21/2009

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See told you I was the winner, lol, jk. people need to lighten up when it comes to this topic, either you spank or you dont for what ever reason. your not going to change someones mind about it, i just wanted to give a good response to common myths about spanking.

[deleted account]

Quoting Kelsey:



Quoting Jean:

I don't think any parent should be questioned for the way they disapline their child unless of course their childs life is in danger.






hitting is violence and violence and emotional trama are putting a child indanger...






This is a never ending argument on COM. No one wins.

[deleted account]

my child knows the differance between right and wrong me spanking him doesnt take away his ablity to know what right or wrong.

Kelsey - posted on 04/21/2009

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well i wont say anything bad because these are obviously just my points of view and i just would like to post my thoughts to give people a broader spectrum of thinking...but i know i do not like feeling the emotion of sadness by some one I love. and i do not want to be the cause of my child feeling that emotion. i want them to have the understanding of why what ever behavior is being repremanded is. the pros and cons to the behavior and why i would not like them to continue that behavior...so everyone who spanks i am not against you but i am sure as hell not with you

[deleted account]

spanking a child on his bottom is completely different than beating a child i do not feel my child life is in danger because he get a swat on his but

Kelsey - posted on 04/21/2009

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Quoting Jean:

I don't think any parent should be questioned for the way they disapline their child unless of course their childs life is in danger.



hitting is violence and violence and emotional trama are putting a child indanger...

Kelsey - posted on 04/21/2009

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Quoting Elizabeth:

I spank my four year old and i dont think im sending mix messages. He doesnt hit he knows better kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for. I do believe how ever that the only person who should be spanking my child is me. Its not the place of a grandparent.



your saying in ilfe some violence is ok?? "when its nessasary?" how do u determine whats "nessasary?" so if i find it nessasary in my mind to slap some lady in line because i dont like whats being talked about, as long as i find it nessasary its ok? no no....its a mixed message to children well if you can hit me when your mad or i made an undesireable chioce in YOUR eyes i can hit someone when they do something i find undesirable or i am angry.....i believe having your children talk and express what they are feeling and why they believe they feel that emotion helps. also chioces and consequences..take something away from them they enjoy for a period of time

Jen - posted on 04/21/2009

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We do both in our household. I know about the mixed signals, but we deal with it as it comes along. My daughter is only 16 months so we're still new to discipline. When I was younger I was spanked and sent to my room so I guess that's why we choose to do both. My husband wasn't really punished much, but his brother was spanked. We only use spankig for immediate consequences. I never spank her if she's hit me I just tell her that's not nice and if you do it again you go to timeout. Every child has their own way of what works with them and what doesn't. We just figured out how to stop our daughter's fits after about 4 months of throwing them.

Lindsay - posted on 04/21/2009

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i completely agree with you. anytime my daughter is being bad my family's solution is always "slap her butt!!" but what does that solve? we used to live with my mom and my mom would slap her butt when she was bad and then yell at her and put her in time out if she hit. i told her, "mom the ONLY reason she hits, is because you do it! you're teaching her that when you get frusterated, hit! and that's wrong!!" so now... laci doesn't get spankings, she gets time outs. spanking solves nothing. the only thing spanking does is teach our children that when you're mad, it's okay to hit. and it's definitely not!

Maria - posted on 04/21/2009

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Spanking is wrong as it teaches children that violence is okay and that sometimes people deserve violence. No one ever does.

Caroline - posted on 04/21/2009

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no. i dont not agree with spanking ur child! they learn from you. you spank them they will think it is ok to spank anyone????? time out always works

[deleted account]

I don't think any parent should be questioned for the way they disapline their child unless of course their childs life is in danger.

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