Step Daughter Problems

Kaye - posted on 10/01/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Ok i have a step daughter than i been raising for 4 years now her mom has not been in her life since. And she has a real big problem with me asking her to do something she gets mad when i ask her to clean her room and when her dad ask she says ok. I will just give it to you SHe grins her teeth at me shoves her little dora table at the and when i tell her she is in time out to go lay down in her bed she will go sit up and start kicking. I have done everything i could with her and her dad does not help someone please help me.

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Allie - posted on 10/01/2009

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I believe this is one of the times that she needs to know who is the boss. Take her to her room and don't let her leave until it is at least cleaned a little bit. She is testing you, they do it from the time they are born. Instead of her bed for timeout, make it a chair where she can't do ANYTHING, and if she gets up, pick her up and sit her back down. She will eventually learn that you are in charge, not her. It takes time, patience, and effort, but if you stick to it, probability is good. Also, sit down with her and her dad and have a conversation. Can't hurt to try.

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it sounds like she has some deep rooted anger. you might just have to sit her down and ask her what or who and why she is mad at because you feel like she's mad at you. once you know if she's mad at you, then it'll be easier to deal with. tell her it's okay to be mad and that you understand and that you will be there to listen even if it's towards you. it sounds like she needs an outlet for her feelings.

[deleted account]

i would spend time with her outside of the home and get her to have fun with you. if she doesn't get that you love her as your own, she will not obey. and a chore chart with goals like a treat or small reward and exaggerate praise when she obeys, esp in front of dad.

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Kate - posted on 10/05/2009

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I had a similar problem with my seven year old step son. He went through a big stage of "I'm not asking you, I'm asking daddy", or "Daddy will say yes, I don't need to ask you". It was so stressful, I basically gave up and it put a massive strain on my fiance and I. It all blew up one day and my fiance and I atually sat down and talked about it, and I basically laid down the law and said that if our relationship was going to survive, he needed to sit his son down and explain to him that if I'd said no about something, then daddy was going to say no also and that if he wanted me to be nice to him then he had to be nice back. It sounds quite juvenile when I type it like that, but it's been a couple of months now and things are much better. Unfortuantely, if your partner is not helping then I really think you need to sit him down and explain to him the pressure it's putting you under and tha the really needs to back you up!

Candice - posted on 10/01/2009

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Sounds to me like Dad isn't helping at all. He has to stand by you and your authority as a guardian over his daughter. He can't question your motives if you are in the right with disciplining her - especially in front of her. If he has to discuss anything regarding your treatment of her he should pull you aside in your guys room.
Depending on her age I reckon you should just get down to it and have a D&M conversation...maybe even right as your experiencing hurt from her actions. She needs to see how it is affecting you. Have a girl to girl talk, so to speak, and let her see your human with feelings too! That if you guys can work together then you can both be happy with each other. Once you've established a genuine rapport with her I'd say keep it up with having regular dinner or lunch together and talk about how you guys are going, your feelings, your current goals or aspirations just to enable that freedom with each other.
I really hope for the best for you 2!

Kaye - posted on 10/01/2009

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That just might work with the chore chart and the big problem is that she doesnt do any of this in front of her dad. When we are in front of him she is just fine but when he leaves omg i better look out cause here she comes.

Kaye - posted on 10/01/2009

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I was also a step child and me and my husband did talk about it and thinks that it does have to do with her mom and we just dont know what to do about it .

Kaye - posted on 10/01/2009

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I will just say kenzie can you go pick up your room it wont take but a sec. and boy she starts to get real mad and starts to slam things and and stomping and in the mornings omg i will get her up to get in the tub and she starts to do the same thing and starts to wake up the baby and the dad says just dont mess with her what did you do. I think she hates me. But i let her help out alot with the baby and she loves him so much now when i was pregnant she would kiss my belly every morning and say bye dean i love you and when wwe had the baby we put her in cheerleading so she wouldnt be left out and i do that with her i try to take her everywhere and buy her what ever but it seems when we buy her things that day she would be worse than she normally is .

Brandy - posted on 10/01/2009

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Well i think what would help is for you to talk to your husband and explain to him how it makes you feel and that if he doesn't step up and explain to his daughter how its making you feel and how she needs to listen then things will not change....if he doesn't show that he supports you she will keep doing the same things.. you can also sit and talk to her while your doing something she really likes to do and explain how it makes you feel to her. i was a step child and still know how i felt as a child she may just be at the stage where she wants her real mother and is taking it out on you!

Rachael - posted on 10/01/2009

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i have had so many times where i thought my SD hated me. Esp. when she was in the 7-8 age. how do you ask her to do things? could she be feeling out of place since you've had the new baby? Mine loved her 1st sister but she did have a few problems understanding where her place was when daddy and I had our baby. She lives with us as well. Good luck!!!

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