Trusting my husband again!

Lauren - posted on 10/16/2012 ( 12 moms have responded )

106

61

3

Hi everyone! My husband and I where having some issues a while back you might have seen my post. things are good between us like we argue but not like before but he has cheated about a year ago not sex but talking to another girl flirting,telling her he is going to have sex with her and much more but anyways he no longer talks to this girl anymore but when he talks to other girls I get really jealous and I start acusing him of cheating on me and that he likes that girl I don't know how to get over the fact that there will be girls he talks to and I just gotta deal with it he does alot with the volunteer fire co. and about 3 or 4 girls run and I will be a part of that before long so I don't wanna have hate agaisnt these girls just cause I am worried about what might happen again! He has known these girls long before we met which we met 5 years ago and married for 4 so hes known these girls about 13 years since hes been about 18 and hes not 30 (I'm not sure the exact times) but hes known these girls longer than me and I don't wanna be jealous over him talking to them casue of what happend I go with him to the fire company alot and talk to these women there all married have kids some don't I just can't give up on our marriage casue of one screw up he did and now I hold it agaisn't him forever I don't wanna do that I wanna work on this marriage and be the best wife I can not some crazy jealous wife and I'm not saying that I can't forget that but I can forgive him but I need to stop thinking he is cheating on me when right in front of me he is talking to this girl!!! Its so annoying I feel like its going to make our marriage bad and were going to end up getting a divorce if I keep thinking this! Please help I really need some advice! I know its not easy to forget but I need to get over this and learn to move on people make mistakes and I really know he loves me now cause of all the stuff he does for me and he really actually shows love for me!!! Thanks everyone! :/

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tracie - posted on 10/18/2012

317

9

1

Punctuation is your friend. ;-)



A marriage cannot survive without trust. You need to decide if you trust your husband or not. If you do, then do it completely. If you don't, then end the marriage or go to counseling. All your suspicions and second-guessing are going to make you both crazy.



I am heartened to see that you feel what he did a year ago was cheating even though he never had sex with her. You are spot on! Have you both explored the reasons behind his transgression? Because if those haven't been addressed, it is likely to happen again.



Best of luck to you!

Melissa - posted on 10/19/2012

87

12

14

I would recommend marriage counseling. It will help you work through past issues so you can move forward in your marriage and be able to trust each other again. A good marriage counselor will help you gain the tools you need to rebuild the trust and strengthen your marriage. It will take time and patience, and effort from both sides. Communication definitely is key! You need to be completely honest with each other on how your feeling and how each others actions are affecting your and your marriage. But you can get past this and move forward to a great and rewarding marriage. Maybe if for whatever reasons you can't go to a marriage counselor maybe try reading a book together that can help with the issues you are facing. There are lots of really good marriage books at there, the one I can think of off the top of my head is His Needs, Her Needs, it's a really good. If you read a book, I really really recommend reading it together and using it as an opportunity to communicate and discuss the topics brought up in the book.

Amanda A - posted on 10/16/2012

2

0

1

I hope it works out for u... I dnt blame u for tellin him if he does it again the marriage will be over. At least u r tryin it one more time. I am like u it is hard to keep stuff off ur mind like tht. I am glad I helped u alil bit at least

Amanda A - posted on 10/16/2012

2

0

1

i think u should try to work on ur marriage again i believe it is worth it... If u rlly love him an he loves u then u should... I knw it is hard to forgive someone for wht they have done.... but if it is wht u rlly want then try it again... i hope i helped u a lil...

12 Comments

View replies by

Tinamarie - posted on 12/07/2012

31

13

3

i know were your coming from .my husband cheated on my twice just alil over a year ago.he was also a really bad alcholholic. and he says thats what caused the cheating so now i truly hate any kind of alcohol.i get nervous when hes around it and he hasnt gone out with friends in 7 months to gain my trust back but tonight he went out with his friends and told me to trust him.i feel very overwhelmed but know i get threw this.god has a plan for all of us.just remember as long as your being faithful and a loving wife no harm can be brought on you.god is a justice god and always protects the faithful ones.so continue to stand strong and just think the faithful ones gets the happiness and rewarded in the end

Lauren - posted on 10/23/2012

106

61

3

Thank you everyone! He is not one to talk about his feelings and he tells me over and over again he only wants me so I'm trying to listen to him and put the past aside and work on "us" the girl he actually was talking to and cheated on me with was at a fire company event 2 weeks ago and he didn't say one word to her didn't even look at her and then later on that night he told me he thinks she is gross which who knows he could have just said that but he seemed pretty serious so I don't know I am trying to learn to trust him again but its very hard! I am truly wanting to put effort into this and work this out! He actually has been pretty nice to me and is doing things for me! He seems like a whole different person from what he used to be when he cheated on me he was mean and rude and calling me names but now he actually tells me he loves me,we are intimate like kissing sex things like that and trust (not to be weird) our sex life is good isnt better than it has ever been! ;) I'm am really trying here and I honestly think nothing is going but like I said if I find out something is going on I will end thigns casue I can't keep going through this! thank you everyone!!!

Amanda - posted on 10/22/2012

223

19

2

I was unfortunatly in your situation at one point. Its very hard to trust someone after finding out they cheated on you. My first bf cheated on me, and when I got with (my now soon to be ex husband) he knew how badly it hurt me to be cheated on and swore he would never do that to me. Well.....I learned to trust him and trusted that he would never cheat......and he proved me wrong. Like you, I believe in marriage and I dont give up easily. So, we talked, together about us,our relationship and areas we both needed to work on. He switched lunch hours (so he wasn't around that girl anymore) and we would text each other throughout lunch everyday. Our relationship grew stronger and so did my trust. I had to take it one day at a time, but over a few years of his behavior staying normal and what I felt as our relationship growing, I trusted him once again. It took work though. But.....you also have to follow your gut feeling sometimes. (im not trying to freak you out with this, but sometimes you need to listen to your gut feeling and not push it aside). Years later when his behavior started to model what it had when he cheated on me, my trust issue arose and I tried to push it away, tried to keep trusting him. And though he claims he never cheated on me, he might not have physically, but def did emotionally. Which in the end lead to our soon to be divorce. I dont mean to scare you with thinking you can never trust him again. Work on your relationship with him, but both of you have to work on it to make it survive. And if it arises again, dont just push away your feelings because you feel you NEED to trust him. Sometimes it may just be right. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for the best for both of you!!!

Ashley - posted on 10/19/2012

218

35

62

OK. I went through this myself. Unfortunately my ex continued cheating for years and my fears were well founded. I truly hope things work out for the best for you. I was like you, I needed to let it go but somehow couldn't. The problem in my relationship (not just that he was still cheating) was that there was no communication. It sounds like your husband is trying to earn back your trust by reassuring you to come by anytime and you will see nothing is going on. I am remarried now and have a great relationship with my new husband. My husband and I have this great app on our android phones called Latitude. Its awesome. We have it turned on all the time and can see where each other are. We have it set up for automatic updates. It works through google maps and is actually a part of it. This app really helped me. My husband knew how insecure I was after what my ex did to me and actually suggested it. I don't even check it anymore because I know he is where he says he is.

As far as the girls, since he has known them for many years, sit down and talk with them. If they haven't had a relationship (sexually) in the past it isn't likely to happen now. If they are really his friends (and respect his relationship with you), they will usually be upfront with you, especially if they know you have concerns. There is a great article on here that is called 4 rules for a husbands friendships with other women. If he is following them, then you don't have anything to worry about.

Working things out requires a lot of communication. He has to be just as willing to listen to and help you deal with your concerns as you are. If communication doesn't work on your own, try marriage counseling. It can help a lot. Also, make sure to make time for just the two of you at least once a month. Have a date night and just enjoy each other. Hope all this helps. Good luck...

Ashley - posted on 10/18/2012

43

53

1

Communication is the key. Make sure he knows that you are still feeling a little insecure out the situation, maybe there are still a little unresolved issues. I know you want things to work out, but when you decided to stay did you both sit down and really have a talk. Do you know the reasons he was doing the things he was? You have to try and work on getting past this, even if that means therapy, marriage counseling. Do things together, have a date night so you both know that you are so important to each other and no matter what you are in this for good and bad. But I will warn you, if u keep going off the deep end every time he talks to another girl.. he will get sick of it, and your marriage might then be over. So, please do what u have to to put your mind at ease. Make sure you do whatever it takes to keep your man happy.. in the house and most def. In the bed so you know and can say "No other woman can put it on my man like I can and do the things for him that I do." Meaning both in and out of the bedroom. Good luck.

Lauren - posted on 10/16/2012

106

61

3

Thank you so much! I think you are the first person who really said something nice and helpful to actually help me get through this it is so hard but I beleive marriage is forever unless its abusive (and its not that) and I beleive I got married to be with my husband forever but I told him already if he does it again are marriage will be over! I just have a tough time keeping it off my mind everytime he leaves the house or goes to the fire comapny! But like he told me I can stop at his work or fire comapny or wherever he goes and see that nothing is going on so I am hopeful that I can make this work!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms