Unwed with kids

Krista - posted on 09/21/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

1

17

0

Im 23 and have a 6 week old son. Me and my bf dont feel the need to rush into marriage right away but it seams that is the question on every ones mind. "So when are you guys getting married?" thats all i ever hear now. What is the big deal? Our son still took his fathers last name i dont see why its so frowned upon to be married just because we have a child.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kylie - posted on 09/21/2009

143

36

15

hello ,, i have four kids 3 boys 1 girl. All with the same dad and yes we are still together lol .These are the question i get asked when i'm out or if i meet someone(like another mum at the school) you see im also 28 and my eldest is 10 yrs old ..for other people this can sometimes be a problem they have their own smart alec ways of replying but usually i just ignore it..I have been with my partner for 12yrs and we finally decided to get married next year it wasn't anyone elses choice .We wanted to do it when we had enough money to do it the right way and for our reasons not because others thought we should .Being married does not make life any easier it does not make being a parent any better it does not mean that your relationship with your kids dad will def. work out . I,m happy i waited because now my daughter is old enough to be my bridesmaid and my boys the ring bearers.. We can all enjoy this and that makes it more important to me..

This conversation has been closed to further comments

14 Comments

View replies by

Jenna - posted on 08/13/2010

435

17

53

It's up to you. If you wanna get married - do it. If you don't - forget about it! lol.

I've been happily married for almost 3 years and we have a wonderful son together, 20 months, and expecting our second son any day now. The kicker?? I never took my husband's last name. So i still get the "are you married?" questions and I get even nastier comments about my last name. People will find a reason to nitpick - don't let it bother you.

Charlotte - posted on 08/13/2010

5

20

0

I am also 23 and my son is getting ready to turn 1 in about a week ...His father and I also decided not to rush into marriage. We are happy the way our family is right now ...and maybe at some point down the road we may get married but it is not a pressing issue. We also get the "When are you getting married?" questions but we just simply say it is not our time.
It sounds ridicilious that two people that have a child together wouldnt want to make the comittment to each other ...but for us ...we truly do not feel we are ready for marriage. And for us it works ...i do not expect everybody to understand it ...but as long as we are happy and our son is well taken care of and loved thats all that matters!
Dont feel bad ...if it is meant to be, you and your boyfriend will do it. Dont let everyone tell you it's "what is right" because right and wrong is a matter of opnion ...only you and him know what is right for you!!

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2010

13

30

1

I realize that it doesn’t sound very romantic putting the institution of marriage in the view of a business perspective, however it is nonetheless. Marriage is recognized by the law as a union of two people who represent one. Marriage is a partnership even far outside of sentimental ideals the legalities of this partnership in every way affect how you are viewed under the law and your finances, etc. In fact, put that way, marriage is a responsibility that most people don't fully appreciate either. The decision to become married is just as likely to adversely affect the family for numerous reasons. It is not a decision to be made lightly, especially when children are involved. Sheri, you are indeed correct in saying that having a baby is a bigger responsibility than marriage, and perhaps the most important responsibility any person can have. Any decision you make, should be made accordingly. We are humans and bad decisions happen. If a woman becomes pregnant by someone she barely know or are with a person who they are not with than they can only make the best decision they can given the circumstances. Marriage is not owning up to this responsibility and is certainly no fix-it all.



The only thing that may be agreed upon conclusively is that ideally, true marriage between two people does not exist solely within the confines of any piece of paper or legal status, but in the oath of true commitment in the minds and hearts of two people.



Unfortunately we probably all know personally, married couples who make a mockery of marriage ideals and in fact reinforce the idea that many people get married because they believe it will magically solidify their commitment to each other or salvage any issues that may have threatened their relationship. All in all, there is no rule of thumb here.



Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship straight from college for 4 years before I became pregnant. I am not married but my baby has both me and her dad living at home and happily. We share responsibilities and love each other. Please do not misinterpret an individual's desire to be unmarried that same as not being willing to commit to their significant other or children. It is not only unconscionable but completely untrue.



I personally know people who have known each other for years and became married and ended in a swift divorce. Conversely I know couple who became married just months or even weeks of being acquainted and remain happily married today. Nonetheless I am sure we both will agree that in or out of wedlock, both parents still share a responsibility to create the best situation for their child/children and that child and their happiness has to be the utmost priority. However the fact remains marriage is no prerequisite to sharing a household and being a family and most importantly marriage is not necessary to provide a healthy and happy home.

Sherri - posted on 08/13/2010

48

0

4

Melissa I agree people should not marry out of pressure, however, People want to jump into bed with people they hardly know and then when a child is the result of that union. They asked surprised that people assume they might want to marry the person they choose to have a baby with. If you are not ready for marriage don't marry. If your not ready for a baby don't get pregnant. Having a baby is a Bigger responsibility than marriage. Marriage is not a business agreement. We share everything, good and bad. I know I can count on my husband and so can my kids. Kids need both parents and its ideal for the kids to have both parents in the same house teaching and loving them. I have a daycare, believe me the kids are the ones who hurt when things are not good.Is marriage hard? sometimes but you stick it out. (There are reasons for divorce, abuse cheating so on) Just because you don't like him/ her isn't a reason. Don't be afraid to commit your life to one person by getting married but also take your time to get to know that person. If you have kids with a guy you don't like your still attached to him through the kids. Be picky who you choose to give your heart and your body to.

Catie - posted on 08/13/2010

14

16

0

dont do it just because u have a baby. my husband and i decided to get married when i was five months pregnant with our first. however that was right for us. it may not be for you. get married when and if you feel it is right for you.

Stephanie - posted on 08/13/2010

280

15

14

She never said that her bf isn't good enough to marry, she just said they're in no rush to get married right now. Marriage doesn't mean as much anymore, it's not a guarantee that it will last forever. I really like Melissa's post, well said.

Melissa - posted on 08/13/2010

13

30

1

This particular issue annoys me for a number of reasons... the most obvious one being that people equate having kids with being marriage, even in 2010. It is certainly not biologically necessary to be married to have kids, and not even economically necessary for the most part since both men and women can work, there are no dowries to be collected...in short, the practicality of marriage is well, no longer practical. Amazingly enough, people still get married in the name of tradition, social pressures, religious convictions and for good ole romance. Although it has been proven over and over that an overwhelming majority of marriages end in divorce due to financial reasons. There is no question that marriage is a business partnership; you are joining, assets, resources and possesions. You are combining to be a more viable and thriving force. But if you get married solely due to pressures and, romantic reasons or what have you without first establishing how you both will realistically be able to contribute to the relationship as life partners, then you are bound to be a statistic. On a personal note, I had a child with my boyfriend and we are happy and even more in love than before. I had no intentions of being married before I became pregnant and having a child didnt change that. If we become married it is because we two as a couple choose too. We are not doing our child any favors but rushing into marriage without first knowing that it is what we want. The one things that irks me most personally is that people assume because I am a woman, I must want to be married! To make matters worse, it appears that if a woman is not married, it is because the man doesn't want to marry, not the other way around. This is so ignorant and narrow-minded. I say if your situation works than keep it. Getting married is no guarantee that the family will hold as an indefinite unit; it is the couple that makes it work, not a piece of paper. If you choose to celebrate your decision to spend your life togther by throwing a 30K+ wedding, than it is your right and blessing to do so. But it is certianly no indicator what makes a family happy and whole.

Sherri - posted on 08/13/2010

48

0

4

I'd like to ask you a question. If you felt like your bf was good enough to have sex with, have a child with, why is he not good enough to marry, to make a life long commitment with? I've been married for almost 20 yrs. I love being married . There is a peaceful security that this will last forever. I wish that for you. Good luck.

Amber - posted on 09/22/2009

72

25

9

I agree with several posters on this, my bf and I have been together for 12 years and have two kids together, we were going to get married last year but it put a lot of pressure on our relationship and it wasnt the right time for us, so I called it off. Now he wants to get married and I want to be 100% sure, after being together for so long I dont want a piece of paper and a ceremony to change everything. I also want a nice wedding, regardless of what some people say, you've been together forever you dont need a big wedding. Just because we've been together for so long doesnt mean we dont deserve just as nice of a wedding than anybody else!!

Ashley - posted on 09/21/2009

858

17

40

i have 2 children with my bf. we dont plan on getting married anytime soon. we arent even engaged yet! noone asks us anymore because they know we will do it when we are ready. if we had the money we'd probably do it tomorrow but we dont. i dont want a wedding down at city hall. if i'm going to get married i want it all. one day when we have the money we will do it but for now we are happy being common law. my children dont notice the difference. a peice of paper and a ring on my finger isnt going to change the way we are now. the boys took their fathers last name and if i really want to i can go pay the 25.00 to have my last name changed to his. my boys are only 16 months and 2 months so they dont know mommy has a different last name than daddy. like i say to each their own. some people dont ever want to get married and thats their own business. i cant stand when people will say oh just because you are married then one cant just walk out on the other. thats crap. whether you are married or not if you arent happy you are going to leave. being common law is the same as being married just no paper!

Annie - posted on 09/21/2009

9

30

0

I am only 30 but I think I am a little old fashioned when it comes to relationships. I believe there is a difference in OUR minds between Husband & Wife and Father & Mother but to a child there is only Mother and Father. They do not understand the relationship you had (or still have) before he was there. Your current and future relationship is what he will forever use as an example and foundation for his own relationships whether it is good or bad.

Esmeralda - posted on 09/21/2009

198

30

64

its becoming more accepted now to have children and not be married,or get married later. So,there is hope lol



but i really just think that people tie the 2 things together.marriage and children.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms