we lost our baby 23 weeks into pregnancy how do i cope?

Rebecca - posted on 09/29/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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A fortnight ago we lost our baby boy Corey and since i have been so up and down in my emotions i dont know how to cope anymore. We have two older boys and when they are here it is easier to stay strong coz they are always wanting to stay busy but how do i cope when they arent here or in bed. i feel like im losing control of my life i'm insercure when it comes to my partner i hate my children been out of my sight all because i know know everything could happen in life goodor bad and i dont ever want to feel this hurt again as once is enough. i miss my baby so much and spend sleepless nights crying for him and when i do sleep i dream about him so i feel like im never getting any sleep at all and now i dont know what to do. i need some advice.

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Deanne - posted on 09/29/2009

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I'm so sorry for your loss Rebecca.

Buy a diary & write to Corey. It may help you feel connected to him.

Talking to your doctor might be a good idea also. You may need some extra help in this sad time. *hugs*

18 Comments

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Ange - posted on 10/15/2009

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A diary is such a beautiful idea.
A loss this great is not going to go away overnight, or ever probably. I lost someone very close to me about 3-4 years ago now and it's still as real as the day it happened... BUT it's not as raw, it's not as harsh & those waves don't come as often. I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you. It also happened to a family member of mine so I'm so touched by your tale. Try to think of ways that you can embrace your sadness rather than let it take a hold of you. I know it sounds odd, but you could plant some beautiful trees or flowers in his honour and then you'll have something beautiful to look at while you're feeling sad & your older boys can use too. Or plan a holiday in his honour. Make the sadness count for something & you'll be on your way to feeling less defeated by it. He's not in any pain. He'll be up there watching over you & looking forward to when you're feeling happier and more at peace.

Melanie - posted on 10/14/2009

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I busrt into tears as I read all these stories. All those little angles taken to soon. Ladies you are all truley remarcable women to go though this and still be standing. My mother lost her beautiful little boy when he was 6wks and 5 days old due to SIDS. It has made me a very parenoid mum. I was so scared through my whole pregnancy and still (with my bub going on 6mths) set an alarm to check on her throughout the night. I know my mum use to write to Brendan all the time and it helped her alot.



To beautiful baby Corey - May you sleep soundly cradled in gods arms xx

Kristin - posted on 10/14/2009

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I lost a baby at 21 weeks. It isn't easy we had already told her big sister she was gonna have a little sister and had clothes and names and everything set. There is no easy way or quick way to get over it. You are being strong by caring for your other sons. Heres what helped me. First I talke dto my daughter about it. Believe it or not she had questions and needed answers. Where her sister went? Why it happened? Was it her fault? You need to talk to your other sons and let them know its ok to cry also. You are trying to hide emotion from them so they may be trying to hide it from you. Second I found that planting a rose bush in memory helped. I didn't get to bond with her but I feel like this plant is her. I smile when I see it bloom I remember her. Think of the joyous feeling you had hearing his heartbeat, feeling him move. Those are the things to remember. That whats you wnat to hold to. The good feelings. Don't push aside the bad they will start to go away in time. But instead when you feel like everything is going wrong think of a happy time you had pregnant with Corey. Did you buy and outfit or something? Think of how you felt that day you bought it.

Don't be afraid to morn for him. Also you might try to find a group online of other mothers that lost a baby. Our daughter died of a cystic hygroma and fetal hydrops. I looked and found support groups online and emailed some parents to talk. You need to reach out to someone and if your significant other isn't there to talk find someone else. Dont bottle it up. ANd third CRY. Let it all out.

Malissa - posted on 10/12/2009

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Rebecca I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate, I lost my twins Bastian and Delilah at 23 weeks on October 3rd, 2007. It isn't easy, you will never ever forget him but it does get easier in time. In the beginning I was on antidepressants (but I found they made things harder to deal with) because I wasn't sleeping either. The nights always were the worst...I decided to stop taking them though and started seeing a counselor. She really helped me out. I'd advise you find someone to talk to about it as well. Talking really helps. Surround yourself with the people/things you love and care about and try to stay positive. It's good to grieve but don't forget about all the wonderful things there are in your world. I know we don't know each other, but if you need a sympathetic 'ear' feel free to pm me. Good luck, I hope you find the joy in life soon. hugs

Elizabeth - posted on 10/12/2009

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I agree, Its going to be tough on you for a while. But buying a journal/diary and writing to your son will help you feel more connected to him. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that as each day passes it may get just a little easier for you! Look to the ones who love you to help keep your mind off of the pain and to help you cope just a little more.

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honey you just need to give yourself time. it's hard to lose someone you love, but it's the hardest when you lose a child. find ways to keep yourself busy when your kids aren't there. a craft, a project, anything to keep you occupied, if keeping yourself busy is what helps. but you do need to grieve also. don't completely avoid it. but give yourself time. you'll never forget, and the hurt won't go away, you'll always miss and love your little one, but it gets easier to handle in time. and here's a big hug for you, because you surely need it!

Jessica - posted on 10/09/2009

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turn to God. Truly seek him out in your life. He will give you a peace and comfort comparable to nothing on earth. He will turn your tears of sadness n pain into tears of joy and love. Diligently read his word, surround yourself with believers- if they are truly believers of Christ, they will love you and support you always. You dont have to be perfect or sinless, etc to accept Christ into your life and you heart. He loves you no matter what and your sin is forgiven if you just let Him. God uses the broken and the sinners of the world to change the world and do his work. One of the greatest men in Bible, Paul ( at the time named Saul) was going around killing believers when God called Him to do His work. He became one of the most influential me n of the Bible and one of the greatest men of faith. King David was an adulterer, he had a man killed so he could woo his wife into his bed. But yet God himself said David was a man after his own heart. He still loved Paul and David and used them to do his work and saved many thru their ministries.--- I cant imagine how it would feel to lose a child as i never have, but i am sure it is horrible. Just remember that God willingly sacrificed his only son to save us from our sin and the firey pit of Hell. Your baby boy is spending eternity in Heaven, if you want to spend eternity with him, the only way to Heaven is thru Jesus Christ. I will be praying for you and for you to have peace and comfort. May God become the hugest force in your life.

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i am soo sorry about your losss, i can't imagine it.. try to believe that hes an angel in heaven looking over you all.. grieve, ur allowed, try to live through your children, you will get through it

Annie - posted on 10/08/2009

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You need to grieve... Take the time that you need now to do that or you will never begin to heal. Your pain will never go completely away and you will always love Corey, but you will begin to move on with your life if you will allow yourself to miss him, and cry for him, instead of putting on a strong face and shutting it out. I'm so sorry for your loss, you can get through this, remember God will not give us anything that we cannot handle-- though I know that's hard to think in this moment.

Veronica - posted on 10/08/2009

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I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost a child, she was around 6 months into term. I have pictures of her similar to yours. It is very hard. I don't think you ever get over it you just learn to live with it. As I write this thinking about her I tear up.
When I lost my baby I was so angry that I got the birth control shot (since they wouldn't tie my tubes) I didn't want any more kids. I had 1 live and then the one I lost. Then a year later I had a change of heart and started trying for another baby. I didn't want it to be a "replacement" We keep Madison Rose (the baby we lost) urn and pictures and little bunny they gave her in the hospital on a shelf displayed in the house. She will always be remembered and hopefully one day I will meet her in heaven.
I wish you well.

Katrina - posted on 10/08/2009

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Hello rebecca i am so sorry for your loss, I to have suffered a loss my daughter was 22 months when she passed away, And i so no what u mean about having the kids makes u have 2 stay strong, i would have fallen apart if i didnt have my girls, I like the idea of a diary, I have a memorial site on gone 2 soon for my daughter which i leave messages for her when i need 2 , We also go and visit her grave at least 2 times a week now and that is still so painful after 18 months ,No one will ever understand how u are feeling and how much u hurt, its easy for me 2 say i no how u feel but ur the one going through the heart ache and ive now learnt everyone takes things differently, id say talk talk and talk thats helped me, here if u need me xx

Rebecca - posted on 10/08/2009

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thank you all for your kind words since writing this i have started writing a journal type thing its more poems about how i'm feeling and the occassional little letter to corey telling him everything that is goin on and how mommy is feeling i think it is heping but it is all still early days as we have only just gone past 3 weeks after losing him but it is all a step in the right direction i think

Misty - posted on 09/29/2009

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I too have had a hard time back in 2000 I gave birth to a little girl, she only lived 12 days, the left side of her heart didn't form, since then I've had 3 more pregnancies, 2 were miscarriages, and then other one is now 7. I know its hard but it does get easier just kepp all of your loved ones close, keep a daily journal of your feelings. If it helps write to him in your journal.Let your partner help you through this, trust me you need your partner.
again I'm so sorry

Jackie - posted on 09/29/2009

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You have to take it one day at a time. Time will help heal. I know how you feel. I lost mine at 23 weeks too. Just be thankful that you have two wonderful boys. You will always remember him but you need to make it into a positive. You don't see it now but it will make you a stronger person. Tell your husband what you need from him. Just remember that it is nobodys falt, as easy as it is to place blame. Talk out your feelings with your husband. My best wishes go out to you.

Michelle - posted on 09/29/2009

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I agree with Deanne, and I think the journal/diary idea is wonderful. As hard as this seems right now, things will get better for you and your family. Your in my thoughts.

Delia - posted on 09/29/2009

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There are no words that anyone can say to take this sadness away. I know as a mom of two that I would probably dismiss everyone. When I was a little my sister passed away. I remember seeing my mother fall apart in front of me. As a mother now I understand. Grieve...it's okay to cry and be sad.. Just remember to breathe in and out everyday. You will never forget him... I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. And Corey beautiful baby I have you in my thoughts and in my heart.



Delia

Gemma - posted on 09/29/2009

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i too lost a baby at 36 weeks and for the the 1st year it was tuff i wont lie but it does get easier just keep ur chin up and keep smiling regardless

time is a great healer as they say and its true

if there is any more advice u need pls ask

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