What is the difference between a "Step Mother" and a "Adopted Mother"

Ola - posted on 10/12/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I feel like a lot of step parents are underminded, I know its sad but the stereo type of a step parent can be bad, but what about the percentage of the step parents who take their jobs seriously, and care for the child/children as if they were their own child. for me I Love my Step daughter I don't even reffer to her as a step daughter she is my everything but it seems in todays society the step parents have o rights, what do you think?

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Alicia - posted on 12/03/2012

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I agree completely with you... I have a 7 year old step daughter but I claim her if asked how many kids I have,, I say 2 instead of just the 1 I birthed... I have been in her life since before she was 2 years old and I love her just as much as my biological... now I do agree that the mother needs to be informed of any changes or things happening I mean she is the mother but my little ones mom just killed herself and she is now very attached (not that she wasn't before) but she tells me openly that she loves me and has been starting to ask what she should call me... I never pressure and I still tell her I love her every night,, but I believe mom comes 1st,, step mom comes 2nd

Ola - posted on 10/12/2010

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Thank you soo much hun!! And agree I always tell the bio mom im not trying to take her place in fact my daughter calls me by my name and only calls me mama when she wants something, with that said as I told her I wont love this child less because you are still in her life, she deseves the world, and as long as i am living i plan to give her that.

User - posted on 10/12/2010

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I think as a step mother it really depends on when they came into the child's life, how involved the bio mother is and "resistant" to the step mother, and the father's determination to make sure their children respect the step mom just as they would their "real" mom. You can have some kids that are really bitter to the fact that their parents divorced in the first place and now someone else comes in and "takes over" as their mother.

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Tracy - posted on 01/08/2013

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I agree with what Renee said - that it really depends on many factors including how old the kids are when the stepparent arrives on scene, involvement of bio parent, willingness of all parties to accept each other, etc... Between my husband and I, we have various roles as stepparent to each of the "his" and "hers" of the kids. "His" kids were older (youngest being 9) when I met them. They all lived with their mothers (two mothers, both ex-wives, four kids) except the oldest who was 15 and really rather insisted on running away and living with "friends" all the time before I ever hit the scene. "My" kid was 3 when we met my husband and his father was a piece of crap and barely around other than to make situations difficult and to try to control things. My stepkids had a mother, for good or bad, so I would never try to take her place. It was my role to be there for the kids just as a mother would, but know that I would never fill that role for them. I would always be Tracy and never Mom. Even when, at times, the youngest would live for us for full summers. However, my son, within months of marriage, was calling my husband Dad of HIS own choice. By the time my son was 7, he asked to be adopted and my husband, honored because it was my son's request, agreed to adopt him. He is Dad. Bio dad disappeared altogether about a year after we were married (son was 4 at the time) because he realized he didn't upset me anymore and he saw my son embracing someone else. My stepkids are now nearly 29 down to a newly 22. Our relationships vary greatly from not talking at all except when in a family group to knowing we can contact each other any time we want to (my door is open for any of them anytime, but some don't see me as anything but an extension of their dad). But my son, who turns 16 TOMORROW, hasn't used the word stepdad in over a decade. They argue sometimes as any parent/child combo does, but they both know that at the end of the day, it's still dad and son.

As for an adopted mother versus stepmother? I would have adopted any of the children my husband has if they wanted me to without a second thought. They are my family, even my stepson who can be a supreme jerk and a$$ to his father at the weirdest of things - like PMS. They are mine. But to THEM, I am dad's wife. THAT is the difference between a stepmom and adopted mom.

Michelle - posted on 10/16/2010

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i have a 20 month old son, and a 22 month old step son...same father,,i broke up my now husband and he was depressed and slept with his ex. then i took him back bout a month later..well he didnt tell me he slept with her and she didnt tell him the she was pregnant..we got back together i got pregnant, we got married..living the happy life...then when their son was around 19 months she finally told us about their son..so i became a step mother..i really cant stand the mother but i try to be nice for the sake of the child...i watch my step son a couple times a week while both his parents work..since im a stay at home mom..i try not to treat either child better then the other.

Brittanie - posted on 10/14/2010

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That is unfortunate, as alot of times step mothers can be more influencial. I had an "adopted" father, and everyone took him more seriously because he adopted me and I had his last name. However, My step Mother was a much better influence in my life than my own mother. I think it's just a society thing, and slowly but surely it will change. Ultimately, it's what your daughter thinks and screw society.

Betty - posted on 10/12/2010

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I don't always refer to my 5 year old as my step daughter but I'm proud to be a step mom. When she is with me she is all mine. She calls me by my first name but when asked by people I am her mom. I love seeing my personality and generosity rub off on her. She's my baby girl because the two of us made it so not because I married her dad. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing her smile. It's the best feeling ever being her step mom!

Juliette - posted on 10/12/2010

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I love my step children from the day I met them. Like that my bf did the same with my children. Yes the biological mother thinks I am no good for them and the father shouldn't be with me and that she doesn't want her girls visiting us becuase I am here. I try to tell her I am just an adult figure to her children and not trying to take her mommy image away. I accepted the fact one of my sons father has a new girlfriend and she is now his step-mom. She tells me she loves him and I don't think otherwise. I think being a step-parent is a big step and needs just as much love as being a parent to my own. I think your doing great!

Ola - posted on 10/12/2010

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thanks for the Feedback, well a brief history of my situation is, I have been in my childs life since she was 1 1/2 she will be turning 5 next year, my husband has physical custody so she lives with us and her bio mom gets vistation, the bio mom and me get along shes even spent nights at my house, the only issue I have is that surround parties undermine me as a step parent, and my thing is, its one thing if i am abusing the child or mistreating the child in any situation but i am not, and i am not limiting access or even trying to prevent the bio mom access at all I just feel like what matters is the best interest of the child, this child rcognizes all three of us (my husband myself, and her bio mom) as her parents, and it should remain that way.

Jessica - posted on 10/12/2010

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Well I think that it can go either way! The problem is that some step parents over step their rights and boundaries. I don't believe that there should be rights and boundaries but I don't think that a step parent should change the way the parent was raising their child(ren) before! I am in a really hard spot answering this question b/c my fiance and I are both in the step parent boat to young children. I think as long as parents both agree then things are fine. I think there are times that the step parent is a lot more involved and cares for the child(ren) more then the other parent. I feel that in my situation that my fiance is a way better father figure to my son then his "father" is and I respect his parenting WAY before I would ever my son's "father"...idk

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