What should I do?

Carolanne - posted on 10/03/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My baby girl is 4 1/2 months. We live in Alabama and my fiance's family lives in Missouri. He says he is taking her to Missouri on Thanksgiving and Christmas with or without me b/c it's not fair his family never gets to see her. I am having major issues with this. I know his family never gets to see her but I can't travel that far both holidays (work issues). I am NOT ok with her going without me.... I do not want to be that far away from her with her being so young and I want to see MY babies first Christmas and Thanksgiving. I'm confused on what to do and what's fair. I don't want his family to be upset with me or think i'm keeping her from them. Also my family is upset about it. Help??!!







by the way just to let everyone know........i'm the one who works and supports the family which adds a little to me being upset at the thought of me missing those holidays with her because I HAVE to work to take care of the family. I hardly see her as it is, and it kills me. I don't think it's very fair. I'm not working on the actual holiday just can't be gone for a week on both. And i'm not worried about the travel part of it. That's not the issue.

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Amy - posted on 10/03/2009

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I hope so too. And I agree with you completely that it's not okay for you to have to miss a major holiday, especially her first. See if maybe you can talk to his family directly and explain the situation and how you feel about it. Hopefully if they hear things directly from you they may be more willing to work with you on finding a compromise.

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Amber - posted on 10/06/2009

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Well most of you are so much nicer than I am aparently. I understand missing your baby cuz you have to work and would never agree to anyone even his father taking my son out of town without me. My son is 8 months and I have never been away from him other than to work. If anyone wants to see my son they are more than welcome to come and visit him or if we are all able to go somewhere we will go visit. I would personally tell him there is no way the baby is going to leave anywhere without me. I can't imagine someone being so selfish that they would want your child to spend the holidays without you. I would just tell him that you can go (whenever you are able to) but that the rest of the time the baby is going to be home because you have to work and aren't able to go away so neither will the baby. If he has a problem with it tell him to get a job and support the family.

Jessica - posted on 10/05/2009

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why dont the family go to your place for the holidays? atleast for her first.

I dont think you are being unfair at all.

or you could travel the day before if they end up going.

Brandi - posted on 10/04/2009

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any chance your in-laws could come see you, as you made the last trip. Maybe you could help with some of their travel expenses or something then you can just stay home for christmas. My family all lives close, so I'm not totally sure what we would do in your situation, but I do know that I was determined that we were staying home for our daughter's first christmas and made everyone know they were welcome to come to our house for christmas. It was the perfect solution for our family, but like i said we all live close by.

Jessica - posted on 10/04/2009

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With how young she is travel will be pretty easy with her, she'll sleep most of the way. My hubby & I took our son to IL from MT (total: 23hrs of driving we took 2 days to complete it) He was 9 months when we went, it was more challenging at that age than it would have been when he was younger b/c he's more active and wanting to explore. All in all he did really well, toward the end of it he was getting tired of being in a car.

Is there any possibility of compromise with just doing one of the holidays in MO, so you don't have to miss out on one? OR will his family be willing to come to your place for one of them...that's a lot of driving if you do both! (Try playing it from that angle) I'm sorry you're stuck with this, but try to calmly explain that you want to be present for both holidays & see what alternatives can be worked out. If all else fails, let them go & just have him video tape it, so you can at least see her reaction...you could even do your own celebration w/ her before or after they get back.
Good luck!!

Sara - posted on 10/04/2009

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My husband's family is incredably over bearing and at first my husband just gave in all the time. It really helped when he and I sat down and talked about our boundaries. It was the source of quite a few fights, but once he realized that it was going to effect our staying together, he started being more understanding and would stand up to their demands.



I agree with you that there is no way you should miss your daughter's first, or any, christmas. Work is more important than going to see his family right on christmas. I liked your idea of setting a trip a little while before, but personally the holidays are always really hectic for me and I would plan one for a month after. It sounds like your husband needs to be reminded that his family is you, your daughter and him now, and his parents and siblings are his extended family. Like I said, it took my husband and I about two years to work through the kinks after we had kids, but we both decided that we could not allow our marriage to break up over his family or mine, so we redefined our family and stick to that!



Good luck, I thought this was the hardest issue to work out and I would be interested to hear what you ended up doing differently and if it worked?



Warmest wishes,

Sara

Mel - posted on 10/04/2009

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make them come to you. i personally would not allow that. she is your child so whether she goes is your choice

Sky - posted on 10/03/2009

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Tell him he can only take her once.. or if you're that scared not at all. You have a right more then they do, to see her on holidays... Why cant they come to where you are?

Carolanne - posted on 10/03/2009

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I'm not scared to travel with her I traveled to see his family with her when she was only 5 wks. It's his family he wants to go see... and i'm fine with that but I don't really care if she opens presents or not i'm not missing my 5 month olds first Christmas. Maybe we can go a week before or something cuz I just don't see how me not being in the picture when i'm the mommy is ok. Either way I don't feel it is. Hopefully he will compromise.

Amy - posted on 10/03/2009

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See if he is willing to compromise. If you can get the time off from work agree to visiting his side of the family for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. This will also be my daughter's first holiday season so of course everyone wants to see her and have us visit. What we have worked out is going to see my husband's family for Thanksgiving and then going to see my family for Christmas. We started that sort of routine even before we were married just so that both families were used to us splitting up the holidays. Hopefully the two of you can come to a mutual understanding on this because the holidays should be a happy time for all of you and especially for your little girl. Good luck!

Heather - posted on 10/03/2009

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My husband just deployed in July and I have a 5 month old who was only 3 months when my husband left. My family lives in Mississippi and we live in Florida which is 6 1/2 hour drive. I was very scared to take the trip but I did it all by myself. It was really easy. He slept most of the way. If you can't take time off to be with your family then let them go without you. I'm sure the baby will be fine. Family is the most important thing and when a new baby comes along thats all they want to do is see the baby. I know what you mean about the whole first thanksgiving, first christmas thing but your daughter is too young to open presents or even know what it means. My husband won't be home for Thanksgiving and we will be stay in Florida for Christmas. Why can't you reason with him and go a week before Christmas?..Just be glad you arn't military!

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