What should I do about an overbearing grandmother(paternal)?

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Telina - posted on 08/04/2014

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Hello ladies!
It's been four years since I made this post and I will say things have gotten a little better. We are still living next door but have finally been able to set some boundaries. She is still overbearing in many ways but I have prayed hard about this situation over the years and I have learned how to be the better person in the situation. I have also gotten her son back in church and we are married now so that earned me some points in her book and our relationship has improved greatly. Thanks for the advice ladies!

Linda - posted on 03/15/2010

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That's gotta be rough living right next door. I hope she doesn't just let herself in! I'm sure your husband feels a little stuck in the middle, but you have to make sure he's going to be with you on this if you are making some sort of stand. Please don't let your MIL drive you away from the man you love and the father of your son. It's sad that mom's can't let their babies grow up. Don't let her keep the cycle going by taking away your time with your son. I don't envy your position of having her right next door all the time.

I tend to prefer a more passive aggressive approach: using humor or intense sarcasm. At one point while living with my MIL I said to my step son, "You can have more noodles when you finish what's on your plate." The words barely escaped my lips when she says, "Oh here JJ, let me get you more noodles." ( I honestly don't know whether it's intentional or not!!) I didn't skip a beat but said, "WOW! (looking around at everyone at the table) I could have SWORN I just said he needed to finish his plate FIRST. Thanks, MumMum, for backing me up on that." With a huge vapid smile on my face. It was one of the few times she was actually speechless. So was everyone else at the table considering no one ever stands up against her. Anyway, I guess my point is if she's impossible to talk to and actually be heard, it might help make your point to get really sarcastic ( I know it sounds juvenile and it probably is.) Using humor might be less snotty. Maybe if you can write I letter to her you can get out on paper all the stuff that's bugging you and she will have a harder time ignoring that. Let her know that you appreciate her help, but not the undermining that is going on. Set up some guidelines - post them on the fridge if you have to. Hey, if you piss her off, she's likely to leave you alone for a few days! I'm here if you want to rant! :) I can totally understand how you feel.

Telina - posted on 03/14/2010

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ok...she is definitely allowed to be involved...we have a home right next door...she is overbearing in that she always has to be right going so far as calling my son's pediatrician to prove me wrong...she will come into the room to tell me my son needs feeding when i am in the middle of feeding him or that he's sleepy when i'm rocking him to sleep...she believes that she has the right to go against everything i tell her not to do with my son unless her son(my son's father) tells her not to...and also...if someone is over visiting and sees my son reaching for me and getting fussy because he wants me they will comment oh he wants his mama and she always says things like oh no he's just sleepy or oh he just wants to be held...she never wants to admit my child loves me and knows im his mother...that's just to name a few things...i don't want to leave her son but she is pushing me to that point

Kelly - posted on 03/14/2010

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Sometimes I think it is just that the grandparent doesn't know how to let go of the fact that there days of being the one in charge is over. I think your best bet would be to try to involve her as much as you can on your own terms. Keep your distance but every now and then call her for a simple task like asking her opinion on something regarding the children. You don't have to do what she says but just making her feel wanted might stop her from being so pushy. However if you have tried everything and feel like she's just gone to far you need to be up front with her. You never know she may not realize that she is crossing a line. And definitely confront her with your man a united front is better for all involved. Good Luck!

Tracey - posted on 03/14/2010

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that always seems to be a touchy subject. right now i live with my in-laws and my relationship with my FIL is great but my MIL is something totally different. I do believe me and her are from 2 completely different planets and she has always been in charge in her house. she has even tried to step in on mine and my husbands parenting. as has already been said she had her time at being a mother to a small child which is my husband. we want to raise her to be responsible and to be the best that she can be and to be good at whatever it is that she does. i mean i am so worried about when my son is born that she is going to try and step in and i'm sorry she is grandma not mom. its mine and my husbands responsibility to take care of his needs and i want for my daughter to help and do the little things that a big sister can do. like i told my daughter if i am cooking and he looses his pacifier or kicks off his sock to help take care of that. its something so simple. i was jealous and hated my sister when she was born and i don't want that to happen here. but i won't know how things will happen until he is born. just remember you are the parent and you have the right to put your foot down.

Linda - posted on 03/14/2010

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Oh ,honey, I can relate! My mother-in-law is the queen bee of overbearing. She did a great deal of damage to my family during the 8 months we had to live with her; I was ready to check myself into the loony bin. If it wasn't for my son, I probably would have lived in my car..... I honestly haven't managed to completely figure out the best way to handle things with her so mostly I avoid her on the rare occasions she pops up now. But I know what I should be doing: standing my ground to raise my children the best that I can. My husband and I are 99% on the same page for parenting, we love our kids and want them to grow up to be good people, and that's all that matters. If she doesn't like it, she needs to get over herself and realize that these aren't her kids and she's already had her chance with her own.



Everyone's situation is going to be different, so I don't know if this has helped or not. What's she doing to be overbearing? In her defense, maybe she just wants to be involved more.

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