What should I do if my husband isn't putting or trying to better our relationship?

Brianne - posted on 05/03/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I have been talking to my husband about him and I getting away and everytime I bring it up he say " If we can not take the kids somewhere then we don't deserve to do anything." We have been together for 9 years and married for a year and a half. We have taken the kids on vacations before and sincewe have been together we have never been somewhere by ourselves. And I have told him it doesn't have to be for a whole week, but I just want for me and him to get away because we are always with the kids. Please tell me do you think he is right or am I being selfish?

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Tiffany - posted on 05/04/2010

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I really dont think you're being selfish. He needs to remember that before you had kids it was just the two of you. Someone told me that recently and it REALLY helped me realize it. Alone time is so important to keep relationships strong. Trust me, I recently discovered that time without our son really helps us connect. Even if its just an hour. We love our son more than anything, but we also know that we need our time too. good luck

Brianna - posted on 05/04/2010

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its not selfish just go out for a night stay at a hotel, go for supper, get for a drink or something. one night is a good start

Charlene - posted on 05/04/2010

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You're not being selfish, your husband is wrong. My husband and I have two kids, we've been together for 4 years and married for 2 1/2. Try to set up a date night once a month for the two of you, just dinner and a movie. You and your husband actually need "you time" for your relationship to stay healthy. Being around your kids all the time and taking them everywhere can eventually wear and tear on a relationship. You can also have a friend or grandparent take the kids for a night, that way the two of you have the house to yourselves.

Heidi - posted on 05/04/2010

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u r so not selfish... maybe he has separation anxiety or something? i use to be like that but now im like i so0o need some alone time even if me and the mr. just go grocery shopping alone.

Valerie - posted on 05/04/2010

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I think that he is wrong but it won't be helpful to tell him that. Here's what I would do. I would get curious when you ask him again to go away...if he says we dont deserve to, I would say, we dont deserve to do anything? and then just look at him and wait for a response...and keep repeating or asking what questions to get to core...be respectful and patient and don't ask why as it gets defenses going...perhaps if he hears his own answers he will learn something...and perhaps if he isn't open to going with you , you could let him kow that you deserve a vacation and will go alone if he really isn't interested although that would not be your choice...could it be a money thing? or an intimacy thing? the bottom line is get curious, not furious...and be patient for answers...you have every right to want a vacation and to take one...and deserving couple time or alone time is on the mark! all the best

Kimberly - posted on 05/04/2010

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There are 2 books that may help.. and you guys can red it together and then talk about them over coffees at each chapter or somthing.. its helps kinda understand the inner lives of men and woman.. they are called For men only and For women only .. they are written by Shaunti Feldhan(i believe thats spelled right) AMAZING books. youve been given alot of great advice.. and I agree.. defaintely communicating how you feel about it,and asking him what he really means by what he says is HUGE. and very important. He needs to know that you don't understand it the way he sees it..(chances are he doesn't know that you dont know what he means or that you dont see things the way he does) Men and women are wired sooooo differently.

Teann - posted on 05/04/2010

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OH BOY!!!!! Hey i know that feeling and it drives a wedge between you and your spouse. The ohter guys gave you some good comments and it would not hurt if you tried to take him to a spot in the house where you both can speak to each other without being disturbed. Even if it means that you guys have to wait until the kids are asleep. Do it in such a way that he does not feel that you are going to interrogate him, i realize our men hate that and seem to shut down when we approve them from that angel. get him relaxed, some ice-cream maybe. Then tell him that you really know that you deserve an explanation as to his reasons for not wanting to go out with you alone. Remind him just how much he and your relationship mean to you and how much you want to grow closer. Try this and see if how it goes.

Brianne - posted on 05/03/2010

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Hey Teann. Thank you for the advice. This has just been bothering me for some time now and everytime I bring it up he starts saying the same thing over and over again. And i wonder if he really wants me in his life as his wife or as the nanny.

Teann - posted on 05/03/2010

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Hey Brianne, i do not think that you are being selfish at all. Your husband needs to understand that you guys need some "alone time". To bond with each other outside of the kids. We moms know that our children take up all our time and especially so if we work out. So be that as it may, there is usually little or no time for each of you to spend together. Try to convince him more or get a family friend, who he trusts to convince of what you have been trying to do. Good Luck!!!!

Brianne - posted on 05/03/2010

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Well let me ask you both this have you and your husbands ever went away together by yourselves? And if so was it before or after you had childern? Because its not like we haven't taken the kids places in the nine years we have been together. And right now I feel like my relationship is being put on hold because that's how he wants it. I have a step daughter who will be 13 in June, step son that is 12, a daughter that is 9, and we have a son together that will be 6 in July. But I think that what bothers me the most is that he is asking the kids if it would be ok if we went on a little getaway together.

Brianne - posted on 05/03/2010

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Are money situation is tight, but we have a friend that has a cabin in cumberland and they said anytime we want to use it we could. And I never wanted something expensive as far as a trip goes. I just want something that we can get away and try to get to know each other again. Right now I feel that he doesn't try as hard in the relationship as I do. And maybe I am wrong for thinking that way but thats how I feel. I don't need a seven day beach getaway, all I need is something low key band doesn't cost a lot of money.

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I agree with Stina, I would definitely ask him why he doesn't feel you "deserve" to go somewhere alone. That does not seem fair.

On a more compromising note. My husband and I bring a nanny along for vacations so that we can enjoy the romantic aspects of our destination in the evening and spend the days with our little one. Could you plan your trip with another couple and take turns watching each other's kids in the evenings? Or bring a long a grandparent to stay in at night? This always works well for us.

Stina - posted on 05/03/2010

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Is it possible that he feels guilty about the financial splurge? It sounds like you are talking about a romantic childless getaway which is a super idea, but I know in my relationship, I'm the one who is wary about expensive getaways with my husband b/c finances are tight.

Ask him why he feels you guys don't "deserve" to go somewhere without the kids. Is it the money? Sure it's more expensive to include the kids, but a trip by yourselves would make it harder to splurge with the kids later.

If it is finances, you guys are coming up on a big 10 year's of being together. Maybe saving up specifically for a weekend or a night away would be feasable. Or, depending on how old your kids are, save up for something that has activities for the kids that enable you and your husband to have some alone time. Good luck. I don't think you are being selfish at all.

Brianne - posted on 05/03/2010

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We have been doing a date night once a month and a couple of time we have not had the kids all night, but the majority of the time we pick them up after four hours of being out. My thing is I am going to school right now and I come home take care of all the house stuff and the kids when they come home from school and one who isn't in school yet.I use to work and run all over the place for everyone and I am still doing that, but my husband works so he gets some time away and I go to school for three hours maybe. It's just that we have done date night and we have been together for 9 years and I really don't think I am asking a whole lot from him.

Sheri - posted on 05/03/2010

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maybe baby steps, try for short periods and slowly work up to a weekend or something, like dinner, movie, like little dates and talk about how it will bennifit all involved

Brianne - posted on 05/03/2010

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You know I have brought this up many times before and everytime I do it's the same answer. And I am starting to believe that he just not that into us anymore and I have this sad feeling inside. It just makes me wonder if he is with me for the kids or just trailing me along.

Brittany - posted on 05/03/2010

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I don't think it's selfish of you to want to take time for yourself!
I think it's perfectly healthy to want to have time for just you and your husband.
In the long rung I think it'll help keep you relationship strong!
Keep trying to show him it's a good idea. Good parents deserve to have a mini "vacation" every so often. Even if you just go to a hotel together for a weekend without the kids. You'll feel great afterwards!

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